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RE: can you have date nights - 1/23/2014 6:53:03 PM

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Conscious Communication

...here is a simple process that will help you become a master of conscious communication.

1. Identify the event that triggered your emotional upset. Describe what happened, being as objective as possible. Just outline the facts as if you were an outside observer. For example, saying, “My husband is never on time,” is less useful than saying “He agreed to meet at the movie theater at 7pm and didn’t show up until 7:30.”

2. Take responsibility for your feelings. When describing your feelings, choose words that express the sensations you are experiencing, such as "I feel sad, lonely, frustrated, or jealous." Avoid words that reinforce a sense of victimization: “I feel neglected, betrayed, or rejected.” When you take responsibility for your emotions, you are informing rather than blaming the people in your life.

3. Identify what you need that you are not receiving. As infants, we had caregivers trying to figure out what we needed because we could not identify our needs and communicate them ourselves. As adults, we subconsciously expect our loved ones to know what we need and spontaneously provide it. This rarely happens. You are much more likely to get your needs met if you can identify them yourself and communicate them clearly.

4. Ask for what you want. What specific behaviors or actions would fulfill your needs? For example, if you want more attention from your partner, do not ask him or her to just spend more time with you; ask to take a walk after dinner, or go to a movie on Saturday night. Express your need in the form of a request rather than a demand. We all have an inherent impulse to resist demands, whereas our self-esteem is raised when we are able to fulfill requests.

Although using this process doesn’t guarantee that you always get your needs met, it will substantially increase the likelihood that you will spend more time feeling comfortable and at ease and less time in emotional distress.

Read more: http://www.chopra.com/community/online-library/tips/conscious-communication

(in reply to bamabbwsub)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/23/2014 7:01:57 PM

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Wait, I just realized that since September was Christmas and New Years, not to mention Halloween and Thanksgiving. You didn't go out for any of those times? Is he married?

(in reply to highhopes4us)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/23/2014 7:08:26 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: highhopes4us

I did speak with Master about this and he said " When I have time we will have date night" and he didn't want to talk about it again

He can take time out of his super busy schedule to get his rocks off with you regularly, but he hasn't got any time to enjoy a meal or a movie with you? And you are being put off on discussing it?

My question is did you sign on just to be a fuck buddy...or were you looking for something different than what you have? Because I don't honestly see this changing. So if this is no longer working for you, then you have to be honest first and foremost on this. Because the way it sounds, this is as good as it's going to get for you. Are you okay with that?

(in reply to highhopes4us)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/23/2014 7:10:57 PM

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If you have not had a date since September...perhaps he is busy with someone else?

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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."-Marianne Williamson

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/23/2014 7:14:52 PM

Rawni

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Time to face the hard cold truths.

Just because a man acts all masterly, sets the stage and tells you to shut up... one way or another, by refusing to talk about it, doesn't mean, you have to be needy enough to accept that.

When women allow this, they victimize themselves. Because a guy is a dickhead, doesn't mean you have to suffer the fool.

Teenagers are getting this message, why aren't grown women? Have some self respect. Having none is not submission. If you don't know the game... stop playing it if you are diminished and you are and you know it. Talk it out? Oh hell no. Walk it out baby.

Walk fast and don't look back. Or, keep doing it and we will see you in a couple more months.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/23/2014 7:25:21 PM

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Where did the OP go?

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(in reply to Rawni)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/23/2014 7:26:00 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: highhopes4us

Hello to all.... I was just reading one of the threads about "Is love a big part of D/s" It got me thinking I agree that you have to have love for your Master or slave or sub....Love meaning caring and respect. My question is can you also mix vanilla date night into a D/s partnership?

we don't separate our lives into categories. We are who we are and we have date nights quite often. My child is an adult and it's just the two of us now so we go out to nice dinners, walks in the park, hiking, a day of antiquing or flea markets, book stores, etc.....He is always dominant. I am always submissive.There is no separation. We're a couple like any other couple.

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(in reply to highhopes4us)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/23/2014 7:38:14 PM

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To answer the original question, yes, plenty of folks who have a D/s or M/s dynamic have date nights. I was actually pretty touched recently when tk asked Me out on a regular "date". For a lot of years, I was the person who posted on these boards that I don't "date". I engage in BDSM and My prior dynamic didn't include that element.

Knowing My current situation, I highly doubt play will be skipped afterward. We also get very little opportunity to get in person time. I tend to take advantage of it when we do.

Still, though, I kind of wonder how good things are really going when people bring questions here that make them sound like they aren't thrilled with their relationship, rather than discuss them with the other person in that relationship. It's not really a good sign. I'm going to wish you luck. I think you're going to need it.

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to Rawni)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/23/2014 8:12:50 PM

tiggerspoohbear

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I just don't get it. I mean it, it's beyond my ken. Even with all the lousy choices I made in men, and take my word, they're were plenty, we still went out for at least dinner a couple of times a month.

It's not easy right now with MM in the hospital, coming home on Fridays and having to drive him back on Sundays. We're both tired and stressed, we have errands to run, usually all on Saturdays. But we went out for a special supper for my birthday. He's the only one who's ever bought me roses "just because". We spent a late Christmas with my side of the family.

So, you either accept a man who refuses to communicate and has no regard for your feelings, or *you* communicate by showing him your backside as you walk away. Don't give in either, he'll change for awhile but revert rather quickly. Take it from someone who knows.

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RE: can you have date nights - 1/23/2014 8:30:46 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
I haven't read her other posts, but this thread makes me think something different: that she has accepted, maybe even desired, being an object, a piece on the side, for years, and is just now saying, "Hey, maybe I want more." It's not clear to me how any of that is the guy's fault.

Sounds like this is right on the money.... and yes I've read the whole thread.

To the OP:

All of this doesn't mean he's a bad guy. He just doesn't want anything from you except a little slap and tickle and fucking. Nothing wrong with that. If it's not what you want, and it appears it isn't, it is YOUR decision whether to accept it.

I've interacted with AMAZING, WONDERFUL men who simply didn't want a relationship with me beyond a little slap and tickle. In the past it was what I wanted too - a person to just have a bit of physical fun with. At that point in time, if any of my AMAZING, WONDERFUL men who just wanted some fun had been around, that's what we'd have done. And I would have been quite content with it. Today, I simply want something different. Today, I want the whole enchilada. I am unwilling to settle for less than that.

So... now you have to decide. Are you willing to settle for something you don't want or are you willing to leave and look for - and create - a relationship that meets your personal criteria?

good luck,
sunshine

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(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/23/2014 9:16:02 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: highhopes4us

My Master doesn't have a lot of time. He works full time and volunteers and there isn't much time left for date night. Our last date was Sept.

You used to go on vanilla dates but now he doesn't have the time.
Your last date was in September.

How often did you used to go on vanilla dates?

You have been together for over 4 years and currently his volunteering time is taking precedent over your relationship... ?
I wouldn't like that either.

Is it the element of vanilla fun you are missing or are in general has your time together dropped off?
And/or is it that date time has always ended in playtime and you are missing that?
Are you missing him?
Are you lonely?

For you to be able to communicate with him effectively you need to know what it is you are asking for.

The information on Conscious Communication is good.

I like the lists on the NVC site; here is the needs inventory list:

CONNECTION
acceptance
affection
appreciation
belonging
cooperation
communication
closeness
community
companionship
compassion
consideration
consistency
empathy
inclusion
intimacy
love
mutuality
nurturing
respect/self-respect
safety
security
stability
support
to know and be known
to see and be seen
to understand and
be understood
trust
warmth

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
air
food
movement/exercise
rest/sleep
sexual expression
safety
shelter
touch
water

HONESTY
authenticity
integrity
presence

PLAY
joy
humor

PEACE
beauty
communion
ease
equality
harmony
inspiration
order

AUTONOMY
choice
freedom
independence
space
spontaneity

MEANING
awareness
celebration of life
challenge
clarity
competence
consciousness
contribution
creativity
discovery
efficacy
effectiveness
growth
hope
learning
mourning
participation
purpose
self-expression
stimulation
to matter
understanding

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email: [email protected]
Phone: +1.505.244.4041

They have a feelings inventory as well:
https://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory

https://www.cnvc.org/Training/the-nvc-model

Maybe you can look at the needs inventory and figure out what it is that you are missing.
Once you know what it is you want you can then better determine whether or not your master is available to give it to you.
There are temporary things that can get in the way of time together: Work, illness and family come to mind.
But while I believe in the value of committment where one volunteers time, it would bother me if volunteering was more important than spending time with me.
That would make me feel as though I was less important and feeling less important or unimportant is not a good way to feel.

edit: clarity

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(in reply to highhopes4us)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/24/2014 5:16:35 AM

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I'm a Dom. If anyone told me that we're not allowed to have vanilla time together, I'd laugh at him/her. We're allowed to do what we want and what I consider good for us.

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"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/24/2014 5:26:22 AM

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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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As always Kalikshama, a great link. Thank you so much for just plain being you.

I believe the OP is kidding herself. If a sub has to ask for date night, then she/he is making the dom a priority while the dom is making the sub an option, unless said dom has some earth shattering things going on in their life.

If I were the OP, I'd be very curious about his 'volunteer' work. Just saying.

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(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/24/2014 6:01:02 AM

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Thanks for all the advice. Valid points and some eye opening ones too. I will put my best foot forward and keep on keeping on. I am upset that after 4 1/2 years I feel like this... I am a woman before anything else.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/24/2014 8:19:55 AM

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From: Montana
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I would suggest that you two work out your problems before adding that third and perhaps fourth person you are seeking. If he has no time for even a dinner in 4 months, how will he find time to add someone else to the mess you have now? Not only that, how will you feel if he finds time to play with the other and has no time to play with you?

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(in reply to highhopes4us)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/24/2014 9:06:16 AM

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We are 24/7 so when we have a "date night" and it *feels* vanilla to us, it's because it is a low protocol dinner, movie and sex. She even gets to pick every other movie. But the habitual leather protocols are still there, like calling me Sir and asking permission for stuff most vanilla don't. She has actually never spoken my name to me so that is a well established core pattern. The date feels vanilla to us because of our leather biased perspectives. But vanillas don't ask "Sir" for permission to pee and stuff like that.

We also have very romantic love and passion in much of our BDSM. I will beat her, push her limits and make her cry while telling her I love her for making that sacrifice for me. We are never really disrespectful to each other at any time under any pretense. I will treat her with love and respect while she eats out of a dog dish at my feet. On the other hand, sometimes I will say humiliating and debasing things at times but it is playful. She knows it is just a "play time" activity. I signal the end of it it by saying, "thanks for playing" so it further establishes the separation between the debasing acts and her self image. I treasure and respect her personal identity.

As others have said, yes you can have a vanilla date night. I know several couples that aren't 24/7 and they have vanilla dates with each other all the time.

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(in reply to highhopes4us)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/24/2014 9:06:50 AM

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I am not sure where you got that Master was adding another or two or three? I agree that working out the issue is huge and must be dealt with...

(in reply to peppermint)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/24/2014 9:13:03 AM

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Your profile says that you are looking for another woman or a couple.

(in reply to highhopes4us)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/24/2014 9:15:08 AM

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ahhh I forgot that it said that in our profile.. NO we haven't added anyone into our partnership......

(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: can you have date nights - 1/24/2014 9:17:06 AM

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Are you still actively seeking to do so?

(in reply to highhopes4us)

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