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Just not sure. - 1/25/2014 1:27:33 PM

stillnotvanilla

Posts: 3
Joined: 1/20/2014
Status: offline

So I've been on and off CM for about 4 years. I've met a few great people on here and some have turned into LT friends. Unfortunately, I never met the right partner on this site for a LTR. I instead went into the vanilla dating pool and found someone awesome. She is great, fun, etc...and I like her a lot. I do see some Domme tendencies but we have never discussed this. I just don't know what to do, do I introduce her to this and see where it goes or just leave it vanilla? I have recently re-opened my CM account and GD I miss a lot of what I have discovered here.

I'm sure this question has been asked 1000 times...it's just once you open that door you can't go back.

RE: Just not sure. - 1/25/2014 1:59:32 PM

kdsub

Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline

My advice.....Figure out what is important to you when it comes to relationships. If something in bdsm is important to the point of being essential then honesty is the only way to go. Lay your needs on the line and see what happens... If you hide them and become serious with this relationship then you will not be happy and it is not fair to your mate.

Butch

_____________________________

Mark Twain:

I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing

(in reply to stillnotvanilla)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/25/2014 2:07:35 PM

stillnotvanilla

Posts: 3
Joined: 1/20/2014
Status: offline

Great point. It's been such a big part of my life for the past few years. I would love to have her control and dominate me...I'm just not sure if it would change the dynamics of the relationship. I do want to be happy...I read a lot of profiles on CM and I love hearing about Domme women who know what they want and get it.

(in reply to kdsub)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/25/2014 2:26:59 PM

kdsub

Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline

I think what makes us what we are is hard wired...We can change on the outside but not the inside. If this girl does not have domination in her nature you will not be able to instill it in her for a lifetime anyway.

I would never advise anyone to only look on sites like ours because you just never know when and where compatible love will come from. But I would advise being honest at the beginning of any relationship rather wait until pain is the only result of incompatibility.

Butch

_____________________________

Mark Twain:

I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing

(in reply to stillnotvanilla)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/25/2014 2:45:25 PM

stillnotvanilla

Posts: 3
Joined: 1/20/2014
Status: offline

Yeah we are only 3 months in...I feel like I'm still in my grace period....maybe she won't be opposed to locking my in chastity and taking the key...

(in reply to kdsub)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/25/2014 3:27:37 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

Having been in a relationship-turned marriage for 20 years in which I discovered the missing element was D/s, I can speak for being honest. It was not her fault that what I discovered (rediscovered?) did not match up to the guy she married. She thought she was getting Alan Alda and for 15 years, she was right. But...people change and they grow and they try to find ways to quiet their discontent, even going so far as to seek therapy for answers as to "why". But, it is hard to go back to being "what worked" when it is no longer working for you. So I tried being honest about where my head was going to. (this was before any of the "play" was involved). She could not do it. As time went on, I realized that, despite her words of trying it, she never could...and more importantly, would...not do it. We wound up divorced. Do I regret being honest? No. As I have said over and over again, I would rather be honest and alone, but happy than be dishonest and with someone but miserable.

Know yourself before you are honest but if D/s or D/s with play (BDSM) is where you really are and what you really are, then you are going to have to live with the decision you make...for me, it had to be honesty.

(in reply to stillnotvanilla)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/25/2014 4:14:48 PM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stillnotvanilla

Yeah we are only 3 months in...I feel like I'm still in my grace period....maybe she won't be opposed to locking my in chastity and taking the key...

This is the key post for me.

Don't expect grace periods when you have failed to show your true self for three months.

If you are three months in to things... does that include sexually? If not, you can pass this paragraph if you choose to. If you are sexually involved with a woman that you think is wonderful and have held back something this vital to you, I personally believe you have lied to her, used her and have used the excuses to justify what you have done. I HATE sharing myself with a man that lies to me and misrepresents himself and I am not kind about such use or benefit. Just ask the guy that continues to beg to be in my life, in any capacity... to the point of maybe finding himself with a restraining order because he just needs it so badly, that he excused lying in hopes I would be forgiving. Ain't happenin.

Now this locking in chastity bit. Great fantasy... sometimes real life, but when a woman is sexually active and wants to be... is mono and doesn't care to share herself with more than one... locking you for your kicks, means she isn't getting them. What is the point of putting you in chastity only to let you out when she wants? It limits things and you always have to take that contraption off and leaves little for spontaneity.

You are jumping to your fantasy before you have even spoken with her and that is a projection and a set up and she just might see it that way. I would. I walk in to have some time with my guy. He surprises me with this wild concept that I have maybe never experienced and he already hopes and plans for.. my participation.

Fail... Next...

(in reply to stillnotvanilla)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/25/2014 6:25:28 PM

ThePrincessKali

Posts: 424
Joined: 9/19/2012
Status: offline

I don't know if opening with chastity is the best idea. Especially if she has never experienced any aspects of BDSM. Maybe start with something small and build up to that.

(in reply to Rawni)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/25/2014 6:46:29 PM

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

Having been in a relationship-turned marriage for 20 years in which I discovered the missing element was D/s, I can speak for being honest. It was not her fault that what I discovered (rediscovered?) did not match up to the guy she married. She thought she was getting Alan Alda and for 15 years, she was right. But...people change and they grow and they try to find ways to quiet their discontent, even going so far as to seek therapy for answers as to "why". But, it is hard to go back to being "what worked" when it is no longer working for you. So I tried being honest about where my head was going to. (this was before any of the "play" was involved). She could not do it. As time went on, I realized that, despite her words of trying it, she never could...and more importantly, would...not do it. We wound up divorced. Do I regret being honest? No. As I have said over and over again, I would rather be honest and alone, but happy than be dishonest and with someone but miserable.

Know yourself before you are honest but if D/s or D/s with play (BDSM) is where you really are and what you really are, then you are going to have to live with the decision you make...for me, it had to be honesty.

I have nothing to add... But just encase you missed this post... It's read well worth the time.... Especially this gem that I quoted

"I would rather be honest and alone, but happy than be dishonest and with someone but miserable."

Well said CD

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/25/2014 7:02:59 PM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I don't see that you want to submit to her at all. What I see is that you lied to her about what gets you off, and you figure that now that you suckered her into a relationship she ought to be amenable to fulfilling your laundry list of things.

"make me wear this chastity device I hate so much, I bought it months ago'. 'Make me suck your toes and cum on them" and so on.

Now I do understand sub frenzy and this may be what's happening but it's your responsibility as an adult to rein that in.

If you want to submit to her, then talk to her. Ask if she's interested in taking the lead in the relationship, that she decides whose turn it is to pick a movie to see and if you're eating in or going out, and if so then where. But don't whine if you wanted to go to a steak place and she picks a vegetarian restaurant.

Don't lead with you dick.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to KnightofMists)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/25/2014 9:08:06 PM

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Sunny
Quote of the Day
goes to
CreativeDominant

for
I would rather be honest and alone,
but happy
than be dishonest
and with someone
but miserable.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_4626131/tm.htm

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/26/2014 5:33:51 AM

Kana

Posts: 6674
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stillnotvanilla

So I've been on and off CM for about 4 years. I've met a few great people on here and some have turned into LT friends. Unfortunately, I never met the right partner on this site for a LTR. I instead went into the vanilla dating pool and found someone awesome. She is great, fun, etc...and I like her a lot. I do see some Domme tendencies but we have never discussed this. I just don't know what to do, do I introduce her to this and see where it goes or just leave it vanilla? I have recently re-opened my CM account and GD I miss a lot of what I have discovered here.

I'm sure this question has been asked 1000 times...it's just once you open that door you can't go back.

Be honest with who and what you are and what you like/want/expect from a relationship.
Life is short.
Why be in any interaction on any other terms?

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to stillnotvanilla)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/26/2014 8:18:03 AM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stillnotvanilla

Yeah we are only 3 months in...I feel like I'm still in my grace period....maybe she won't be opposed to locking my in chastity and taking the key...

I'd love to take a bet with you on that.

If she's a vanilla and you suggest that, she'll think of the effect on her. Namely, that she'll never have sex with you again unless she demands it and brings the key.

Now, you need to accept that you are not sub. You have a bunch of fetishes that you want to try with her. Nothing wrong with that, but let's get the terms straight.

First, give her a nice dinner. One that you make yourself. Have some nice sex (so no pressure that we'll do this like right now tonight). After, ask her if there are any things she'd like to try in bed. Or if she has any fantasies. Basically, instead of starting off telling her what you want, make this a discussion of what each of you want. And then how to fulfill them.

Good luck.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to stillnotvanilla)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/26/2014 12:39:16 PM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'd love to take a bet with you on that.

If she's a vanilla and you suggest that, she'll think of the effect on her. Namely, that she'll never have sex with you again unless she demands it and brings the key.

Now, you need to accept that you are not sub. You have a bunch of fetishes that you want to try with her. Nothing wrong with that, but let's get the terms straight.

First, give her a nice dinner. One that you make yourself. Have some nice sex (so no pressure that we'll do this like right now tonight). After, ask her if there are any things she'd like to try in bed. Or if she has any fantasies. Basically, instead of starting off telling her what you want, make this a discussion of what each of you want. And then how to fulfill them.

Good luck.

If she is vanilla?

Darling Steven... some of us domina's love our sex and don't want a caged cock. Nothing in my life better center around a cock, but when I want one, I want one and if I have to consider how it is going to mess him up on whatever chastity plan going... I am not interested. There may be a time and place for chastity and I can enjoy it sometimes, but that bs about wanting a submissive man... lock him up... isn't for me.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/26/2014 1:16:02 PM

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

talk to her and let the chips fall where they may. If she's all for it, then great. If she's not then you have to decide what's more important...your fetishes or her.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to stillnotvanilla)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/26/2014 1:18:56 PM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rawni

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'd love to take a bet with you on that.

If she's a vanilla and you suggest that, she'll think of the effect on her. Namely, that she'll never have sex with you again unless she demands it and brings the key.

Now, you need to accept that you are not sub. You have a bunch of fetishes that you want to try with her. Nothing wrong with that, but let's get the terms straight.

First, give her a nice dinner. One that you make yourself. Have some nice sex (so no pressure that we'll do this like right now tonight). After, ask her if there are any things she'd like to try in bed. Or if she has any fantasies. Basically, instead of starting off telling her what you want, make this a discussion of what each of you want. And then how to fulfill them.

Good luck.

If she is vanilla? Darling Steven... some of us domina's love our sex and don't want a caged cock. Nothing in my life better center around a cock, but when I want one, I want one and if I have to consider how it is going to mess him up on whatever chastity plan going... I am not interested. There may be a time and place for chastity and I can enjoy it sometimes, but that bs about wanting a submissive man... lock him up... isn't for me.

Woo hoo! She called me darling!

Rawni, sweetie, if she's vanilla, she'll react as I stated. If she's a Domme, she'll resent him directing her in how to please him. If she's a sub, she'll not want to top him nor to lock up his cock.

I didn't think it'd be possible to tick off all women, Domme, sub, or vanilla, but he found a way.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Rawni)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/26/2014 1:23:08 PM

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

oh yeah....tell her you want to be locked up and she's not going to be having sex? Yup, she's gonna go find it somewhere else! Doesn't matter if she's domme, sub or vanilla!

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/26/2014 2:03:30 PM

Posts: 515
Joined: 3/17/2013
Status: offline

You are right and I think that is something that a lot of men who want to be in chastity overlook. I enjoy keeping a submissive male in chastity, but I tend to get my sexual needs met somewhere else.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

oh yeah....tell her you want to be locked up and she's not going to be having sex? Yup, she's gonna go find it somewhere else! Doesn't matter if she's domme, sub or vanilla!

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/26/2014 11:40:31 PM

Posts: 25
Joined: 1/25/2014
Status: offline

Bite the bullet and be honest. You can't build a relationship on deceit. If she is curious or willing to look into it further, I do agree, start with the small stuff before jumping in with the heavy.

(in reply to MsMJAY)

RE: Just not sure. - 1/27/2014 9:01:05 AM

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

Ultimately, you have to decide what is most fair for the other person, and that's usually to be honest and truthful with them and let them make their own mind up. Anything else is deception.

(in reply to stillnotvanilla)

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