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Crying Jags - 7/7/2006 6:46:27 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well I wasn't going to post this at all because I do see a (grief) counsellor. And I am making (slow) progress. I am not sure this had as much to do with grief as it has to do with not feeling "good enough" for _________ (fill in the blank). I have these days where I truly feel like the lowliest of the low and like things will never get better. Just when I feel like I am making some emotional progress, I sink. Just when I feel I am starting to feel some connection - I run. Or - I do something slightly off-key, or that exposes peculiar bad judgment on my part - mostly sub-conciously, I think - that ends up slightly hurting someone. Especially if I like them - even as a (male) friend. 98% of the rest of the time, my intuition and judgment are pretty good. 

If I really like someone, lately it seems I will do that (the above) or avoid them altogether. I always thought that kind of behavior was juvenile and never in a million years thought I'd be engaging in it (really). I have never done that kind of thing before. Ocassionally, I find someone I can kid around with and keep it in a light vein and it's okay, fun even. But that is rare, it seems.

Maybe it's because I am so terrified. I am not sure of what. This whole idea of "transparency", I must admit, attractive as it is, has me stumped. I am convinced, deep down, that it's a lost cause. I am not "fishing for compliments" (that's not what this is about - it's about wondering if I can get close to someone)- I honestly find it difficult to believe why anyone would want me to lean on them (ever). I am so used to fending for myself and have some ideas to get rid of like: "Put a smile in your face no matter how you feel" (actually, not bad advice, for the most part. But there is a limit). 

I truly cannot imagine anyone wanting to (eventually, when I am ready) shoulder any burden transparency would impose. I really have to get a handle on that one. It's not because I am so baaad (though some days I think I really am, I do know I have some love to offer and am a "giver")- it's just that it seems like it would be one more extra burden for someone else (they may say they want it, but...). But the idea is so darned attractive.

Gosh, it sounds really nice. But -they just didn't do that on the planet I originated from. I am so so scared (I don't know exactly why) to think of myself in that situation on a one-on-one level day in and day out. In actuality, except for one brief interlude, it is completely foreign (to me). I may need some practice at that. Forgive me for being so open - I know it can be embarrassing to read - I suppose. I rarely do this kind of thing (very very rare), but I need to let it out. I feel like a dam ready to burst or something.. 

I need 2-3 months to get my head screwed on straight. I am very sorry if I have unintentionally hurt anyone (it would not be intentional, truly). I hope if I have, they can find it in their heart to forgive me. There are such dear people here, some in particular. I feel so hurt and so scared and there really just isn't anything I can do but let it out. I feel like it's not going to get any better. I just had to let that out. I am NOT a wimp. I am Not. I just am having an extra bad day and I didn't know where else to turn. Maybe I am just a psycho.

Thanks for listening. Please don't feel like you have to answer of course if you want to go ahead). I just needed to let this out. Yeah, I am (currently) a mess. No, I don't "have it all together". Fortunately on some days, I do have a decent sense of humor.I will probably regret writing this. It seems like such a raw exposure. Well, I certainly feel raw. This will pass.

- Susan  

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/7/2006 7:18:36 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Crying Jags - 7/7/2006 7:33:30 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Susan...hugs....I think that all of us can relate to feeling the way you do at some point or another...even if it was over different "stuff". It does suck but try to remember that just because it feels bad...doesn't necessarily make it bad. I have found that over the course of my life, I have experienced some of my most profound growth from the times that I have felt as you do.

Take pen in hand and write. Furiously if need be. Sometimes it is easier to sort through it when it's in black and white before our eyes than it is when it's random thoughts screaming through our heads.

Cry. Crying can be a wonderfully cathartic and cleansing experience. There have been times in my life when I was too angry or sad to cry and had to help the process along. I listen to songs, watch movies, read books...things that have proven to provoke those intial tears...and then I let it flow from there. Let it out, scream, smash something(pick something beforehand that will make lots of noise but you won't mind having gone), beat the hell out of a pillow....just let it out. Once that initial build up is allowed past the dam...you will find that things will start to flow more calmly.

Take some time and do nice things for you. Soak in bubbles...give yourself a manicure....take a walk on a beach....go shopping....rent chick flicks at the video store.

Sometimes the "whole" picture can be overwhelming and if we just break it down a little at a time it becomes much easier to deal with. I wish for you that you will soon be past the wild churning and floating along on a smooth current.

....and p.s. It's really okay to lean on someone sometimes until you can stand on your own....just because you do it doesn't mean that you will never be strong enough to "solo" again.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 7/7/2006 7:38:12 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Crying Jags - 7/7/2006 8:37:13 AM   
ArtimisBlack


Posts: 154
Joined: 6/13/2006
Status: offline 		*Hugs Susan*
It may seem like when you lean on someone they get nothing from supporting you but that isn't true. It feels good to be there for someone. It feels good that the person trusts you enough to lean on you.

_____________________________

I wanted to put in my 2 cents but I only have a dollar. Do you have change?

The pain is free. Do not pick the scab.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Crying Jags - 7/7/2006 8:40:39 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
...I need 2-3 months to get my head screwed on straight...Maybe I am just a psycho...This will pass.
- Susan  


sorry to butcher your post, susan, as it was all very relevant to this slave's response, but those fragments are what this slave could condense and relate very strongly to....
when our modern system of timekeeping turned over to the year 2000, this slave felt similar to the way you describe.  especially dealing with the part about dealing with grief as well, as this slave was grieving and helping mom to grieve.  getting older(read: coming up on 35) and feeling the affects of years of societal labeling(doormat, victim, pervert, potential psychotherapist's unmentionable college fund benefactor)this slave decided to take some time...and it ended up being three years...NOT to get involved in an intimate relationship with anyone UNTIL some things were put to rest FOR GOOD, some ongoing issues resolved to the best of this slave's ability and a CRAP-load of self-searching, personal enrichment activities, exploration of self, meditation and prayer.
most impotantly...it DID PASS!!!!!  and this slave has followed the path to a MUCH more fulfilling existence.  this slave hopes you take heart and hope from her words
.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 7/7/2006 8:42:32 AM >

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Crying Jags - 7/7/2006 10:00:27 AM   
shigglyboom


Posts: 110
Joined: 10/10/2005
Status: offline 		Susan,

You're not a bad person and not psycho. You're clearly a very talented and likeable person. Why are you judging yourself so meanly?

When a ship gets caught in a storm and tossed around, no one blames it on the ship. The current chaos in your life and the feelings anyone would have in that situation are a terrible storm. You can't control it. Try not to blame the ship.

Sometimes people get addicted to beating themselves up. I don't know if you're in that situation, but I bet you don't judge anyone else as harshly as you do yourself, and no one deserves that kind of self-abuse. Like any unhealthy pattern, you'll have to stop it if you want to find peace.

Some tactics:

When you find yourself thinking awful thoughts about yourself, "I'm mean, I'm psycho, I'm out of control" - consciously wrench your attention away. Assign yourself a code word and a standard default thought - a favorite memory or pet or something as easy as "I will think about the shape of the letter 'a'". Anytime you catch yourself putting yourself down, slap it down and concentrate really hard on your default topic. If you find a need to switch constantly, consider it an addiction that you're going to beat.

Find a photo of yourself at age 4 and put it where you see it often. You may not like yourself much on any given day, but you're still that little kid. Anytime you're beating yourself up, take a look at that photo and ask yourself why you're doing that to that little kid. (I read this in a book - forget where though.)

Stop asking why about the past and the present. Look ahead instead. Memorize the two mantras of peaceful people: "It is what it is" and "This too will pass".

Hey, you'll get through this and blossom. Meanwhile, lean on anyone who will let you. We all do that, sometimes. You'll get your chance to repay the favor in the future. Another old truism: What goes around comes around.

Shig

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Crying Jags - 7/7/2006 12:14:06 PM   
justheather


Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
I truly cannot imagine anyone wanting to (eventually, when I am ready) shoulder any burden transparency would impose. I really have to get a handle on that one. It's not because I am so baaad (though some days I think I really am, I do know I have some love to offer and am a "giver")- it's just that it seems like it would be one more extra burden for someone else (they may say they want it, but...). But the idea is so darned attractive.



This is something many submissives have in common. Ive never seen it brought up in a post before, so thank you.

I can think of a lot of reasons why, by our age, we have learned to not be transparent in relationships. Especially if one is a submissive trying to make vanilla work (again and again...) Many of us have spent our lives being the strong/responsible one in the relationship. It is so easy for one's drive to serve and support to turn into mothering and controlling and then resentment of the other person for "making us" be the strong one.

And then there is the dreaded "needy" word. As if we are supposed to come to a relationship without needs. As if healthy = lack of needs. I stumbled over this concept for a long time. I have needs. My partner has needs. Because we love one another, we do our best to make sure our needs are filled, individually and collectively. That is what people who love one another do.

I remember looking up at my dom with tears streaming down my face, for the first time realizing that every thing about me that made me just so bad at vanilla relationships was among the things about me he not only accepted but embraced. I couldnt even completely look at that idea for quite some time after we met. I had to be fed it over time, in very small bites. I kept holding on to the idea that if I really let go and exhaled, he would disappear into a puff of smoke.

It took some time for me to realize that someone so careful about his words (as he particularly is) and so forthcoming in all other areas really must mean it when he says he wants to inspire in me the freedom to be what you call transparent. And even THAT was not some magical realization-light-bulb-moment that instantly opened me up to transparency. That kind of freedom is something built on time and trust, like everything else that is good and worthwhile about a healthy relationship.

I am only telling you these things about my own experience because I want you to know that when you are whole and well and ready, when you have done what you need to do to heal your wounds, it will be possible for you to have this thing that is so attractive but scarey to you. A reason we have to be grateful for the dynamic we crave in common is that it provides a framework around which people can build relationships that not only allow for but demand the kind of transparency you desire.

It is apparent that you are a person who is introspective, honest with herself and capable of deep self-exploration. These traits lead me to believe that when you reach a place and time when you are ready to open up to the right dominant, you will be well-prepared for the work of that relationship.

And dont forget, you'll be holding your Daddy's hand and that makes everything less scarey.



_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Crying Jags - 7/7/2006 1:53:45 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you for listening - it really helps me. Encouraging and insightful. I am going to try to take a nap, be back later. Thanks.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to justheather)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Crying Jags - 7/7/2006 3:46:18 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shigglyboom

Susan,

You're not a bad person and not psycho. You're clearly a very talented and likeable person. Why are you judging yourself so meanly?

When a ship gets caught in a storm and tossed around, no one blames it on the ship. The current chaos in your life and the feelings anyone would have in that situation are a terrible storm. You can't control it. Try not to blame the ship.

Sometimes people get addicted to beating themselves up. I don't know if you're in that situation, but I bet you don't judge anyone else as harshly as you do yourself, and no one deserves that kind of self-abuse. Like any unhealthy pattern, you'll have to stop it if you want to find peace.

Some tactics:

When you find yourself thinking awful thoughts about yourself, "I'm mean, I'm psycho, I'm out of control" - consciously wrench your attention away. Assign yourself a code word and a standard default thought - a favorite memory or pet or something as easy as "I will think about the shape of the letter 'a'". Anytime you catch yourself putting yourself down, slap it down and concentrate really hard on your default topic. If you find a need to switch constantly, consider it an addiction that you're going to beat.

Find a photo of yourself at age 4 and put it where you see it often. You may not like yourself much on any given day, but you're still that little kid. Anytime you're beating yourself up, take a look at that photo and ask yourself why you're doing that to that little kid. (I read this in a book - forget where though.)

Stop asking why about the past and the present. Look ahead instead. Memorize the two mantras of peaceful people: "It is what it is" and "This too will pass".

Hey, you'll get through this and blossom. Meanwhile, lean on anyone who will let you. We all do that, sometimes. You'll get your chance to repay the favor in the future. Another old truism: What goes around comes around.

Shig


Wow. How lovely and how very empathetic.

Welcome back, Shig.

To Susan I will suggest that this process will take as long as it will take. Steeling yourself to confront the eon that three months looks like right now is brave enough. And that interval may be enough. If it turns out that more time is required I hope you'll submit to that reality with as much grace and strength (sometimes just barely enough is pretty monumental.)

Sometimes you have to hurt for a while. If you hurt with your eyes open you can learn things about yourself and about submission which can only enrich your subsequent life irrespective of who might be involved in it.

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Crying Jags - 7/7/2006 4:32:37 PM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		I read your post, Suzanne..and had to sit here a bit before I could respond back to you.  It seems you and I in a way, are going thru some similar things.  I know the circumstances are different, but the feelings coming from them are pretty equal.  I think it kind of startled me a bit.
 
You will have to just take your time and give yourself time to hurt.  I know that in this society we are told so much to just "let it go", "get over it" things like that.  When it comes to our mental and emotional health what we need is come very sweet time to just let it all heal.  There will be kind words..and shoulders offered, but until we are ready for those specific things, they will not do us any good no matter how much we long for them to. 
 
It's hard to let people in and believe that they are really wanting to help you, to take on you and everything you have going on.  Maybe more if you thought you had that, and you really didn't.  It's very hard to accept that this time it is all for real and they want the whole package, flaws and all. 
 
Sometimes we need to just hurt, we need to cry, we need to scream.. we have to get that all out.  Other times I have found that just a quiet place I can reflect or maybe a journal where I can write helps. 
 
You don't have to have everything figured out and perfect before you can be happy, sometimes the happiness can help you to figure those things out.  You and I are alike in that from what I have read in your posts as of late.. you are searching and learning more about yourself all of the time. 
 
The bad things have happened, but now is our chance..your chance to start your life over in a way... to keep yourself open to any possibility that exists to make you happy.. for you to continue to learn.  This is an exciting time..scary yes..but exciting all the same.  
 
Some days will be bad, you will sink back, but you know that the next could be wonderful and full of promise again.  It's all a natural part of being who we are.. women..human..sub..slaves..switches..we are a torrid ocean of different emotions.  While they can sometimes cripple us..they can also give us wonderful and beautiful wings that help us explore the world and find ourselves.
 
Time, sweet Suzanne... and allowing the hope to creep in..little by little.. it will open the world back up as a beautiful place to you. 
 
               Be well...and know my thoughts and prayers are with you...
 
                                       ~Andrea

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Crying Jags - 7/7/2006 5:57:49 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well you guys are so sweet. You really don't know how much it helps to feel heard and although I don't envy anyone going through this (though what choice is there and it will be worth it I suppose), it is nice to know smeone else has been there (or is there), too.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, really.

- Susan 

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Crying Jags - 7/9/2006 11:28:28 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Noah, that was a very kind thing you said, and I am really taking it to heart.
Thanks for listening; it's nice to feel understood.

- Susan 

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Crying Jags - 7/15/2006 10:54:05 AM   
MistrssM


Posts: 45
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		I think everyone goes through times in their life when although part of them craves human contact...the other part feels the need to cocoon... and shun that contact... its a push pull kinda thing....pull ya close just to push you away with the other arm.

I sometimes think people have this vessel inside where they hold all their deepest strongest feelings... hate, love, anger, sadness, grief... and when you allow someone close enough to release anything in there.. like love or care... you run the risk of feeling or releasing the other feelings as well.....and that can be too much sometimes..

Its like you can only let people get just so close... before you feel the need to pull back..or you might tap that keg.

I understand these feelings not just because I have had them myself ....but because due to my patient and nurturing nature I have been on the other side of them...more times then once...  

I think the good people who genuinely care for you know that you are not acting this way because you want to hurt anyone...you are acting that way because you ARE hurting ... and healing is a process.....and is never something done over night....

So take your time to do so....worry about you now...... and the people who matter will still be there for you when your "get your head screwed on staight" as you said.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Crying Jags - 7/15/2006 11:32:13 PM   
wantitnow569


Posts: 75
Joined: 4/22/2006
Status: offline 		Susan,
first off i want to say how much courage and strength You clearly posses to someone like me.... Secondly, i want to thank You for Your transparency (not sure if You meant to be or not...buy hey...)... it's so refreshing to see someone put it all out there, especially on a thread in here where it seems that some people are SO busy picking other people's lives apart... (sorry...getting back off of my soap box!!).
Anyway, i noticed that You said You are seeing a grief counselor... i wanted to recommend that You check out a website that has a bunch of free articles on it... They are on www.grief.net.  When i read them a couple of years ago, i felt like i had found myself for the very first time ever!! i no longer felt SO crazy or SO alone!! So, i hope that helps.. By the way, if i can ever be of any help in any way, please don't hesitate to email me.
Thanks,
want it

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Crying Jags - 7/17/2006 5:20:01 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks a lot - I will look at the website today. I appreciate the responses from everyone - it makes me feel less alone. I really am fearing my actions are going to be misunderstood by some(who haven't really read this post). But I will weather what I need to weather in order to take time to heal, it's in my best interest (and that of whoever I do end up with, eventually).

Thanks for listening. I have felt much better (mentally and emotionally) this past week. There are days I am not sure what I would do without these message boards, and all of the kind people here at CM.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/17/2006 6:10:37 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to wantitnow569)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Crying Jags - 7/22/2006 9:07:19 AM   
stanton


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		Good luck you sound like a very sweet girl who is no more messed up than many out there- just you know you need to get your head together. That to me is the best first step
that and learn to value yourself.

I'm new to this place, but it looks like you have a lot of friends who care.
Stan

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Crying Jags - 7/24/2006 6:24:04 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you, stanton. I appreciate your kind thoughts.
Am feeling better, lately.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to stanton)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Crying Jags - 7/30/2006 11:17:02 PM   
SirDarkside357


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		Leting it out can be good for you. So, ok, you don't have it "all together", few really do. I don't really know what to say to you, but for some reason I was compelled to respond...and that, well, it's not normal for me. I hope all works out well.... you're in my thoughts Susan.

Be Well,
Darkside

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Crying Jags - 7/31/2006 6:11:23 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you, Sir. That is very nice and I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to SirDarkside357)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Crying Jags - 7/31/2006 6:56:53 AM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		I think erin and shigglyboom have given you some great advice and you'd be wise to take it.
 I often suggest  that when friends start beating themselves up or feeling inadequate that they stop themselves and immediately recite  some traits/qualities or even things about their appearance that they love. Maybe in your case, think of the good things that you can and will bring to an eventual  relationship.(transparancy being a great trait in my opinion)
I would also suggest that you avoid pursuing more than friendship at this time.(easier said than done i know)

best regards...

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Crying Jags - 7/31/2006 7:05:22 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks for the thouhtful and kind reply, spankmepink. Nice of you to answer.
I am feeling much better, lately.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to spankmepink11)
Profile   Post #: 20
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