RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (Full Version)

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kalikshama -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/3/2014 2:05:57 PM)

I'm about your age. 10 years ago I uprooted myself for a guy who turned out to be very very different once we were living together than he was during our 6 month LDR. By the first weekend, I knew it was a mistake.

My parents are in their 70s and 80s, and my brother is mentally ill. Three years ago, I returned home and am glad I did.



smileforme50 -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/3/2014 2:10:22 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype

quote:

The problem with removing him from the equation is that I can't do this by myself. I NEED help from SOMEBODY. I actually have been wanting to get out of here and move to Florida for a couple of years now.....but I can't do it on my own.....financially or logistically. His offer.....even with the possible "obligations" it may carry with it, is the first serious possibilty I've had of making this happen.

As far as taking on a second job....that's very difficult to do around here without a car. It already takes me 1 1/2 to 2 hours to get straight home from work at night. One of reasons I live where I do (and not where I would like to live) is because there is bus service past my apartment after 6:00 at night. This is the whole reason I got this job with the State to begin with....so I could have a weekday schedule with no nights, weekends or holidays when the buses aren't running. I would be taking classes at the college that is right up the street from where I work, but I can't get home at night after class because the bus stops running before the class lets out.


Then I have no advice.
I can't wrap my head around doing something with the expectation of being reliant on someone else.
Nor can I wrap myself around the thought of someone doing this without some expectations in return.


"I can't wrap my head around doing something with the expectation of being reliant on someone else. "

You know what? As a general rule for most of my life, I couldn't either. But after I lost my driver's license that all changed. And I have hated every f-ing minute of it. I have tried my damnedest to NOT be dependent on other people and sometimes I have succeeded and sometimes I haven't. Even though I have my license back, it put me 4 steps and 18 years behind where I wish I was at this time of my llfe, so I'm trying to figure out how to make up for all that lost time, and it's very difficult to do all by yourself.



theshytype -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/3/2014 2:37:55 PM)

It sounds tempting because it's "easy".
Everything you want is practically being handed to you.
But, at what cost?
I understand that sometimes help is needed and there's nothing wrong with asking for it. You have to be careful what you ask for though. Sometimes the cost is too great.
Although its possible, I don't see it probable that the outcome from this situation will be a good one based on what you've mentioned, what you know, and what you believe you are, or are not, capable of.

I would talk it out with your sibling.




smileforme50 -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/3/2014 2:41:46 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype

quote:

The problem with removing him from the equation is that I can't do this by myself. I NEED help from SOMEBODY. I actually have been wanting to get out of here and move to Florida for a couple of years now.....but I can't do it on my own.....financially or logistically. His offer.....even with the possible "obligations" it may carry with it, is the first serious possibilty I've had of making this happen.

As far as taking on a second job....that's very difficult to do around here without a car. It already takes me 1 1/2 to 2 hours to get straight home from work at night. One of reasons I live where I do (and not where I would like to live) is because there is bus service past my apartment after 6:00 at night. This is the whole reason I got this job with the State to begin with....so I could have a weekday schedule with no nights, weekends or holidays when the buses aren't running. I would be taking classes at the college that is right up the street from where I work, but I can't get home at night after class because the bus stops running before the class lets out.


Then I have no advice.
I can't wrap my head around doing something with the expectation of being reliant on someone else.
Nor can I wrap myself around the thought of someone doing this without some expectations in return.


"I can't wrap my head around doing something with the expectation of being reliant on someone else."

You know what? Until I lost my driver's license 18 years ago, I never could wrap my mind around being reliant on someone either, but that's what it did to me...made me reliant on other people. I have very gradually pulled myself back in to *some* point of independence, but it's not much, and it isn't enough to make a difference. I HATE HATE HATE asking people for help, but I've realized that I'm not going to get any further than I am without anyone else's help. When I first graduated college 25 years ago, I had a job and was GONE 300 miles away from home within a week. I never asked anybody for anything. But it's not that easy anymore.



LafayetteLady -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/3/2014 2:50:45 PM)

so you have wanted to move to Florida for a couple of years and your sister is in Tampa Bay. Where is this guy?

If you take him up on the car offer, make sure he transfers title to you.

As for the 4 year degree...you know it isnly like you would be starting from scratch, right? Many of your two year courses will transfer as long as you got them from a regionally accredited school (nationally accredited, not so much). There are plenty of scholarships available for a wide range of things at www.fastweb.com. I understand tthat transportation is an issue, so have you considered on line studies? Many local schools may offer on line courses and you can look into the schools that are completely on line , like Kaplan.

It sounds as though you have some more research to do before making a decision, but I also think you are hoping for a way out of a dead end job. Nothing wrong with that, but as you can see above, there might be some options available that you hadn't considered.

I lived in Florida for two years, in the Tampa Bay Area. The job market sucks and I had a government job. Figure on your already meager salary being cut by at least a third, if not in half, while the housing is only about 25% cheaper. Still a short fall.



kiwisub12 -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/3/2014 3:16:11 PM)

Whats wrong with accepting this mans help, and for that matter, sleeping or subbing to him, even if you don't love him. Like is good. And if you are scratching his itch, and getting what you want, then, yay!

I've slept with men that I didn't love and haven't lost all my morals.

Talk to your sister, tell her the general gist of what you are planning and ask if you could stay with her if everything goes south. Have a back-up plan. And probably the first thing you need to do is go stay with him for a week or two so that the two of you can talk face-to-face. If it seems like something you would be good with, have him sign the car over to you so you can come home, and then drive back to Florida.
That way you have transport.

I moved in with a man I didn't love, but liked a lot and thought there was the potential for more - and there was! Sometimes you just have to go for what you want.
The worst case scenario is that you get left on the side of the road, in which case you call your sister, and she helps you find a job and somewhere to live. You lose your security, but take a chance.



smileforme50 -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/3/2014 3:26:48 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Winterapple

Kierkegaard said boredom is the root of all evil.
And no doubt all sorts of rash decisions and deeply regretted actions have been made to escape it.


OTOH, fulfillment in life often requires taking risks and leaps of faith.
I do believe we generally regret the things we didn't do or attempt.
But it's also wise to look before you leap.

My feeling is that you're core need is for fulfilling work. That seems
to be the change you most desire. You have met an attentive man who
seems to be offering you emotional and financial support to achieve
this thing you want so much. He seems more like a fairy godfather than
a master seeking a slave. A sugar daddy fairy godfather.


YES....I recognize that completely and that is why I am not just jumping on this blindly. That's exactly why I am laying out all the pros and cons and benefits and risks of all of this.
quote:


Have you any experience in being a slave? Has he any experience
in having a slave. In these 9 hour phone conversations have you
discussed what your lives would be like as a master and his slave?
Will you be allowed to work outside of your service to him?
Will he control your money? Does he want a slave or a kinky girlfriend?


As I mentioned, he would like me to be his slave, but he has told me that's not a requirement and he would still give me the appropriate level of help depending on what I wanted. I have told him that being his slave right away would be too much of a rush for me. He has said that he would either let me live in the vacant house he has, or he will help me find an apartment and under either of those situations he would not expect me to be his slave and would not force any control over me. As I mentioned, if I were living in his vacant house and he suddenly changed his mind about any obligations I have to him, I do have the safety net of running to my sister who lives near Tampa.

quote:


I would not make such a radical move without knowing this
man or the place I would be living better. Until he became
my master which would not happen overnight if at all I
would have a job, car and apartment before moving there.
I would not take money from him for my living expenses
or education.

But all these practical things aside I would be asking myself
about this man. Am I drawn to him? Do I feel a strong need
to serve him? Do I respect him? Am I prepared to make the
radical and life changing consequences of being his? Do I want
a fairy godfather who is courting me like a princess or a master
who will rule over me?


I feel I know him as a man and a friend, but I don't know him as a Master, and I know that at this time I'm not prepared for that type of relationship with him. Am I open to the possibility sometime in the future? I think so. Am I drawn to him? Yes. Do I feel a strong need to serve him? Not at this time....but as I mentioned before, because of the distance between us, I was never considering the possibillity of such a relationship until now. And right now....that's all an M/s relationship is....a possibility. He knows how I feel about him right now and he knows what my priorities and biggest fears are right now. He also knows that I'm not prepared to move in the direction that he wants until I have workable solutions to those biggest fears.
quote:


Your desire and need to change your life via going back to school
is obtainable where you are. I'm not saying it will be easy but you
can do it.
No....it's not....I've been investigating every possibility for the last 6 years.

quote:

I think the question you should ask yourself is if the
regret you will have down the road if you don't go forward with
this man is the loss of him. Not the loss of the sugarplums he's
dangling before you. Are you propelled by running away from
home or to something and someone?


Well....the only thing I can say about that is that if I don't go through with this, I'm not going to lose him. He's going to continue to be my friend regardless of what I decide to do. I would lose the possibility of having a deeper relationship with him, but he would still be the friend he is right now.






LadyConstanze -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/3/2014 3:38:36 PM)

Have a piece of paper and make a list, pros on one side, cons on the other, then make the same list 5 years down the line...

My gut feeling says you want to do it and you're going to regret it if you don't do it. I can't tell you that it will end well or it will end bad, nobody can.

Now what was your first reaction and your gut feeling? Apart from logistics and all that? Could you see yourself doing it? I'd say go with your instincts, they're right more often than wrong, but if you do, don't rush into it blindly, try a test run first. Doesn't seem like you are happy with the way you are now, but before you make the jump, spend some time down there with him. And I think if you do, you should go down as friends first and see how things develop, you can always build on the friendship, if you go down as his slave and things don't work out, it's much more difficult to go back to a friendship.



littlewonder -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/3/2014 6:33:59 PM)

My opinion:
Move and leave your job for you, not for him.

I'm also of the opinion that you will regret what you don't do. After my daughter moved out and on her own, I finally was child free and hated where I lived and my job and everything else about my life at the time. Before I ever even met Master, my plan was that once my daughter left home I was going to sell everything I owned and move somewhere else, with or without a job and without any real plans, because I could. I have no children anymore, I had some money set aside from selling my house and everything I owned. I wanted to finally have a life, a life I couldn't have before because I was a single mom since I was extremely young.

So even though I moved here to Maryland because Master lives here, had I not even met him, I still would have been moving because I wanted to get my life back and have all the things I wanted before. And I'm extremely glad I did it. I went back to school to finish my degree, found an absolutely wonderful job with a decent pay and even better pay soon and I'm doing all the things I ever wanted.

But also when I moved here, I didn't move in with Master. I have my own place. I wanted to get on my feet for me and have my own life for awhile. I would suggest being on your own for awhile until you two get to know each other better. Get your life in order, figure out where you want to be, and do all the things you want to happen in your life even if you didn't have a guy in it. Do it for you.



smileforme50 -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/3/2014 7:12:39 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

so you have wanted to move to Florida for a couple of years and your sister is in Tampa Bay. Where is this guy?

If you take him up on the car offer, make sure he transfers title to you.

As for the 4 year degree...you know it isnly like you would be starting from scratch, right? Many of your two year courses will transfer as long as you got them from a regionally accredited school (nationally accredited, not so much). There are plenty of scholarships available for a wide range of things at www.fastweb.com. I understand tthat transportation is an issue, so have you considered on line studies? Many local schools may offer on line courses and you can look into the schools that are completely on line , like Kaplan.

It sounds as though you have some more research to do before making a decision, but I also think you are hoping for a way out of a dead end job. Nothing wrong with that, but as you can see above, there might be some options available that you hadn't considered.

I lived in Florida for two years, in the Tampa Bay Area. The job market sucks and I had a government job. Figure on your already meager salary being cut by at least a third, if not in half, while the housing is only about 25% cheaper. Still a short fall.


Actually....since my degree is 25 years old....I have been told by no less than 14 colleges that they will not honor any of the classes anymore. It's really sad.....I got my degree at the State community college and even the University of Delaware (one of the State universities) won't give me credit for any of it because it so old.



littlewonder -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/3/2014 7:19:25 PM)

wow. really? Mine were about 20 years old and here in Baltimore, two colleges have accepted mine.



LafayetteLady -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/3/2014 8:29:34 PM)

Computer classes typically won't transfer, but english and math usually do.

Regardless, since transportation is an issue, what about online schools? You could take a larger course load because it meets you schedule and transportions issues. It seems you would be taking student loans anyway, so why not contact somewhere like Kaplan and find out what it would take.?



Winterapple -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/3/2014 9:19:43 PM)

None of your credits from your community college degree will transfer
to a four year program? I've never heard of that happening. Most two
year programs include basic courses like English Composition and
history survey courses. Is your two year degree in something like
secretarial science or administrative assistance? So, you would be
attempting to enter a four year program based on your high school
record? I've known cases of people going to college for the first time
twenty or more years after high school and being told they needed
to go to community college first to prepare themselves for a four year
program.

In any case, I think you should pursue the degree as I think
that's where your heart is. Quit your current job that you
hate and make school your focus. I understand the challenges
involved including the transportation issues. It won't be easy
whatever route you take. But I think you should try and do
it own your own.

This man might regardless of how things play out remain
your friend. Or he might not. Issues around money and sex
have tanked many a friendship. Living under his largesse
sounds frankly like a Judge Judy show waiting to happen.
I believe the general advice laid down in these situations
is get in writing. You will be especially vulnerable if you
are living in a house he owns, driving a car he owns and
are dependent on him for tuition. I don't know how anyone
could be in such a situation and not feel pressured to be
or feel obligated to be sexually available to their benefactor.


I have to believe there are limits to his generosity .
And that good sense will tell you not to rely on his
generosity. Doing it on your own may be a hard row
to hoe but sometimes the hard way is the best way.



kalikshama -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/4/2014 7:10:28 AM)

quote:

If I didn't want to live with him, he has a rental house that is empty right now.


I think you should make an informed decision. I have done extensive searching of Florida's public records for the job I had before this one. Go to his county's property appraiser's website, plug in his first and last name, and verify that he does indeed own these two properties.

I had a man tell me he owned a condo, but it turned out to be in his father's name.

I had another one tell me he owned a condo on the beach, but it turned out to be in his ex's name. His second car turned out to be his ex's as well (FL public records will not help with this.)

Also check him out in his county's Clerk of Courts database. Here, I found that two potentials both had two charges of Domestic Violence for two different women each.

All this information is free and I'm happy to help you with this via CMail.

Also, I recommend you pay for a background check. Intelius does them for $39. I plugged myself in it and see it correctly found four past addresses, my ex husband, and his parents. After you pay, you get marriage, criminal, bankruptcies, liens, judgments, and lawsuits.

Perhaps he hasn't told you about a wife...or he told you he's divorced but is not actually divorced. Wouldn't you want to know this before you uproot yourself or get any more emotionally invested?

(You should also be able to get marriage/divorce info for free from his county's database, but most people do not live out their life in one county.)



smileforme50 -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/4/2014 7:45:04 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Winterapple

None of your credits from your community college degree will transfer
to a four year program? I've never heard of that happening. Most two
year programs include basic courses like English Composition and
history survey courses. Is your two year degree in something like
secretarial science or administrative assistance? So, you would be
attempting to enter a four year program based on your high school
record? I've known cases of people going to college for the first time
twenty or more years after high school and being told they needed
to go to community college first to prepare themselves for a four year
program.


There IS one local college that WILL honor my associate's degree, and I got all excited about it because it would mean I would only need to take about 24 classes....just my junior and senior level stuff. But I still can't figure out how to get around the transportation issues I would have with it....plus, they don't really offer anything I'm interested in. I would be able to get a better-paying job....but I would have to settle for something that bored me to death. Although if it wasn't for the transportation issues, I may have "settled" for it anyway.

But you know what's even weirder and makes NO damned sense to me? I was thinking about going back to the community college I graduated from....because it would be cheaper and I *might* be able to work around the transportation issues. But I went in there to talk to someone once and they were the first college to tell me that they won't honor any of my classes from my first degree because it is too old. I would have to take all the basic math, english comp and sociology classes all over again. THAT completely shocked me.

quote:


In any case, I think you should pursue the degree as I think
that's where your heart is. Quit your current job that you
hate and make school your focus. I understand the challenges
involved including the transportation issues. It won't be easy
whatever route you take. But I think you should try and do
it own your own.

This man might regardless of how things play out remain
your friend. Or he might not. Issues around money and sex
have tanked many a friendship. Living under his largesse
sounds frankly like a Judge Judy show waiting to happen.
I believe the general advice laid down in these situations
is get in writing. You will be especially vulnerable if you
are living in a house he owns, driving a car he owns and
are dependent on him for tuition. I don't know how anyone
could be in such a situation and not feel pressured to be
or feel obligated to be sexually available to their benefactor.


"Judge Judy show waiting to happen".....LOL....that was funny. But I know what you're talking about and as I have said, I don't like the idea of putting myself "in debt" to anyone, so I know I want to keep his "gift" to me to a bare minimum. But wow....we have had that conversation over and over and over and over and he just doesn't back down or give up or change his mind. He told me last night (in another marathon phone conversation) that if I give him my sister's address, he will drive the car to her house and sign the title over and give her the keys and I could have it and could still change my mind about all of this and decide to never meet him. As usual, I told him he was crazy.

quote:


I have to believe there are limits to his generosity .
And that good sense will tell you not to rely on his
generosity. Doing it on your own may be a hard row
to hoe but sometimes the hard way is the best way.


True.....I don't see me doing this without *some* help from somebody, but I do know that I want to keep it to a bare minimum. I've been spinning my wheels for 4 years about this trying to figure out how to do it with NO help from anybody....and it's just not going to happen that way.



fucktoyprincess -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/4/2014 7:50:04 AM)

Okay. Your original post made it sound like you were considering moving to FL to be with this man. But as the thread continues it sounds like you have wanted to move to FL long before you met this man, and this man just provides you with the opportunity to do so (which, I believe is why you are considering this even when you are not head over heels for him). The real issue as I read this thread is that you want to move to FL. I guess as long as you are up front with this guy in terms of negotiating how much actual financial assistance you will receive from this man, maybe this is an opportunity to get to FL. I just wouldn't rely on his financial assistance being there forever. As long as you have a game plan for how you will get on your own two feet down there, then this seems prudent. Your initial post just never made it sound like you were looking to move to FL independently of him. A little hard to give advice when your actual motives aren't made clear. If moving to FL is what you want to do, then figure out a way to make it happen, with or without this man. Just don't count on him being there forever because you haven't even started a full-fledged relationship yet, and as we all know, things sometimes just don't work out. And if things don't work out, you need to have already put things in place down there to enable you to stay in FL without his financial assistance. Otherwise seems like a lot of disruption for nothing if you end up just moving back home after the relationship ends. Again, if you are moving to be in FL, then the focus should be on how to successfully do that long term. At best, this man is likely only a stepping stone in that journey. [sm=2cents.gif]




angelikaJ -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/4/2014 8:03:30 AM)

Many colleges have programs for middle-aged people that work to maximise not just previous college credits but to add in life and work exprience credits as well.

You have not said what field you want to get a career in that you think won't bore you to death.

There are very affordable options for on-line learning.
Western Governor's University is accredited and affordable.
Financial aid is also available.

http://www.wgu.edu/?gclid=CKmK2cSf-bwCFY1r7AodyD0APQ

Also, as far as getting to the local college that is willing to take your credits, many colleges have ride bulletin boards.
Chances are, there will be someone going to the school who lives in your area.



SweetAnise -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/4/2014 8:29:28 AM)

To the OP: It sounds like to me you have already made up your mind what you want to do and you're looking for someone to reassure you that your decision is correct. Or agree with you.

That said. I don't think you're making the right decision. I don't care how long you have known this man. No one gives you anything for free. No one. There is a motive behind everything.



smileforme50 -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/4/2014 8:55:35 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

If I didn't want to live with him, he has a rental house that is empty right now.


I think you should make an informed decision. I have done extensive searching of Florida's public records for the job I had before this one. Go to his county's property appraiser's website, plug in his first and last name, and verify that he does indeed own these two properties.

I had a man tell me he owned a condo, but it turned out to be in his father's name.

I had another one tell me he owned a condo on the beach, but it turned out to be in his ex's name. His second car turned out to be his ex's as well (FL public records will not help with this.)

Also check him out in his county's Clerk of Courts database. Here, I found that two potentials both had two charges of Domestic Violence for two different women each.

All this information is free and I'm happy to help you with this via CMail.

Also, I recommend you pay for a background check. Intelius does them for $39. I plugged myself in it and see it correctly found four past addresses, my ex husband, and his parents. After you pay, you get marriage, criminal, bankruptcies, liens, judgments, and lawsuits.

Perhaps he hasn't told you about a wife...or he told you he's divorced but is not actually divorced. Wouldn't you want to know this before you uproot yourself or get any more emotionally invested?

(You should also be able to get marriage/divorce info for free from his county's database, but most people do not live out their life in one county.)



You know....I've paid to have those background checks done on a couple of people and they basically didn't tell me shit. Or they gave me 3 possible candidates and none of them were anywhere near the same age as the guy I was trying to check out....it was really strange. But I even did one on myself and they have my name misspelled....And I know exactly where they got the misspelling from, which makes it kind of funny.

However....I hadn't thought about the county property records.....that is definitely something I'm going to check out. Thanks for the suggestion.



GoddessManko -> RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback.... (3/4/2014 9:16:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Well, for me before even considering it:

1) You've never visited him. So, you have no idea if you'll like living there.

2) I wouldn't move without having a job.


Honestly, sounds extremely fucking scary (Sorry for language here). ONCE in my life, I gave my responsibilities into the hands of someone else and it was the worst fucking mistake of my life. Never again. TRUST YOURSELF before you trust anyone else. ESPECIALLY if they seem "too good to be true."
You need certain assurances for YOURSELF no one else is gonna make for you.
I admire your willingness to take a plunge and believe in love, and he sounds like a Dreamboat, but PLEASE put your protection always at the forefront of your mind, especially if someone is this charming and alluring.
(Sorry for raining on your parade honestly!!!)
PS (Edited for a footnote): Men claim to own this or buy that for women all the time, like the likelihood of them actually following through are WAY slimmer, even if they are telling the truth.



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