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I need relationship advice... - 3/8/2014 4:10:19 PM   
needingadvice


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/8/2014
Status: offline 		So both my boyfriend and I are switches. When our relationship first started, he was the dom in the relationship, and I was the sub. But then he needed me to be the dom full time after 2 months of him being the dom. I agreed, and I have enjoyed it, even though it was something I needed to get used to, (it's change...and any change takes time to get used to).

But then the other day he confessed to me he likes cross dressing. Which, I'm fine with...as it humiliates him, and makes it so he feels he has no power over me. Because I'm not a seasoned domme...and our relationship is still young, I don't have as much power over him as I'd like to quite yet...so this would help.

Then right after he told me about him cross dressing, he said he is bicurious. Which makes me afraid that he's going to find out that he likes men more than he likes women...

He said he loves me, and that he's attracted to me. I was *just* there on the 6th, and he couldn't keep his hands off me...I just don't know if I'm enough for him...

The relationship has changed *so* much...it started out with him being the dom in the relationship and in the bedroom...then shifted to me being the dom in the relationship and the bedroom. Now throwing cross dressing into the mix, and the possibility of him being bi. It's a whole lot of change, and I don't know how to handle so much change in such a short amount of time, (the past 3 months).

Any advice?

I mean, cross dressing, and being bi isn't something to be ashamed of or feel bad about...I can accept him for those things..I just wasn't expecting it...it came as a surprise to me.
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/8/2014 4:38:08 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like he's a closet bi sub, and misrepresented himself to you. Three times - him being a Dom, him being a crossdresser, and him being bi. I'd say you've been pretty accommodating.

What kind of relationship do YOU want? He's been changing things - how about you tell him what YOU want, and change it accordingly?



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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(in reply to needingadvice)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/8/2014 4:44:26 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		That's the first thing I thought of too, what do YOU want? No one could tell me he didn't have these desires 3 months ago and they are just now emerging. Knowing he had these desires and did not disclose them to you in the beginning would be a deal breaker for me. It's only been a three month relationship and I would leave a little more wiser.

Nobody tells people to leave relationships lightly but this one is easy for me.

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(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/8/2014 5:07:17 PM   
needingadvice


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/8/2014
Status: offline 		He said that his perspective has changed. So that means he hasn't felt these things the entire time...so no reason for me to feel like he was hiding things from me...

I'm bi as well...so I can't be a hypocrite and say that being bi is a dealbreaker for me...he did say he's bicurious...only him trying things out with a guy would he know for sure if it's just a fantasy thing, or a real part of who he is.

(in reply to anniezz338)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/8/2014 9:48:06 PM   
needingadvice


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/8/2014
Status: offline 		He needs time to think. He also told me he'd consider a sex change in the future, and he doesn't know if he would still want to be with a woman after a sex change. Even though he's told me he's attracted to me as a woman...so I'm just finding it hard to wrap my head around how a sex change can impact who you're sexually attracted to...

I'm bisexual, so I wouldn't mind if he's a man or a woman...I fell in love with his personality, not his penis...

Just ugh, after his time to think, if he decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore...I'm going to just be with a dominant, preferably somebody around 30...somebody who knows who they are, and what they want. Because I found out who I am as a preteen, and I want somebody stable...

(in reply to needingadvice)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/8/2014 9:58:18 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Personally I'd be at least taking a breather from the relationship and telling him that he needs to decide who and what he is but until then this is not a relationship but just a cooling off period of just getting to know one another and nothing more.

If this was not possible then I'd be telling him he needs to find himself and when he has and if he still wants to be with me, then look me up and if we're both still wanting each other then we could start over from there.

Until then, I couldn't deal with all the uncertainties.


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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 1:53:00 AM   
bachus


Posts: 31
Joined: 1/27/2014
Status: offline 		It is very hard to build a relationship with a partner who does not know what he wants. Honestly maybe it is time for you to take a good look at the relationship and see if this is where you want to be.


(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 3:09:32 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		I'm with LittleWonder on this. It sounds like he needs to spend some time alone figuring out who he is and what he wants.

So in three months he's gone from straight dom, to submissive, bicurious and crossdressing. And then from there into transgender, considering a sex change, debating whether he wants to be with women at all.

If we take him at his word, that sounds like a total personality and outlook change in a very short space of time. He needs some time to get his head around that and you're just going to get dragged along for the ride, constantly having to change your expectations and never knowing what to expect. It's not healthy for either of you and it's a big recipe for drama.

I think it's more likely that he did know (or strongly suspect) these things about himself and decided not to tell you up front so that you didn't walk away. That's manipulative and unfair. Nothing wrong with being bi or trans or submissive, but it is wrong to lie to a potential partner and take away their ability to decide whether they want to be involved.

Add to that he's already telling you that you're not in his long term plans - he might not want to be with a woman at all in the future. So you're just around to scratch his itch and act as therapist+sex worker until he moves on. Now if you're happy with that role, great, but if you're looking for a stable D/s relationship, he's already told you that he's not going to provide that.

'only him trying things out with a guy would he know for sure if it's just a fantasy thing'
Are you ok with him sleeping with other people? Because being bisexual doesn't rule out monogamy. If the two of you started out in a monogamous relationship, you are not morally obligated to OK him sleeping with other people because he's curious. If you're not monogamous of course, ignore this last part.

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(in reply to needingadvice)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 8:40:02 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		I'm thinking that he knew these things about himself and didn't share them with you from the start, which some others expressed as well. Otherwise why would they just crop up all of a sudden and one right after the other within 3 months? Seems more than a little suspect. His possible manipulation in this area would make me drop him like he's hot. Deliberately misrepresenting oneself in order to get something by withholding information is unforgivable, sneaky, selfish, and disgusting.

For the record, you can be bi and not be attracted to that in a partner. If I liked girls, I would be perfectly comfortable with not having that translate to me having to like boys that like other boys.

He really seems focused on his wiener. You seem to make his wiener happy along with lots of other things that may or may not include you as time goes on. Are you ok with that? Is it fine with you to be a momentary thing that his wiener likes until the next thing comes along? If so then carry on, but from what you've said you want someone stable.

(in reply to needingadvice)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 9:06:48 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needingadvice

Any advice?

I mean, cross dressing, and being bi isn't something to be ashamed of or feel bad about...I can accept him for those things..I just wasn't expecting it...it came as a surprise to me.


What I bold I think it crux of the issue. How many more surprises does he have in him ? Is that what you are wondering? How much more has he hidden from you? Can you trust is words? Does it feel like he has been leading you to this point in your relationship? Slow manipulating to get his hidden desires in the open?

Do you feel you can trust him? Is he lying to you? I can appreciate that you are accepting him for where he is at and what he is enjoying. But are you happy with the way you got there? It might be necessary to look at building trust with him before you continue to serve his internal motivations. Because it seems that has been what has happening this far. Maybe you need to start thinking about what you want out of this relationship. Do you know what you want? Have you shared it? Is he willing to explore it? Are you two a team to support each other in this journey together? From what you shared... Seems like it's his journey and your along for the ride... Or maybe your just the ride to get him where he wants to go.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to needingadvice)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 9:13:41 AM   
shadowborn61


Posts: 143
Joined: 11/5/2013
Status: offline 		As a man who just recently admitted to myself that i am Bi i can tell you he most definitely knew for longer than the last three months he was curious. My take on this is first he started out as the Dom because that is what you wanted and it is mostly expected that men are Dominant. That is what happened with my wife and i until She switched one night and i found that i am more of a submissive, I can switch when the mood is right but i am just not a Dom i am more of a service Top i switch to help meet her needs.
As to the cross dressing i am into that as well it makes me vulnerable and makes me feel sexy at the same time and from my own experience it was only after his trust in you grew enough that he could admit it to you.
I think that if you truly want to be a Domme then you have the makings of a very devoted submissive but YOU need to set some boundaries and clarify to him what it is you expect from him and what he can expect from you.
Communication is essential to building any relationship. If after you talk things out you are still not happy with the situation then take a step back and decide for yourself just what it is you want and then go after that.
If you decide that you are a submissive then be true to yourself I have learned that you can only please someone else at your own expense for so long.


< Message edited by shadowborn61 -- 3/9/2014 9:16:56 AM >

(in reply to Killerangel)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 9:52:21 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Any advice?


Dump him and find someone who is not confused about his sexuality.

(in reply to needingadvice)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 9:58:29 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

Any advice?


Dump him and find someone who is not confused about his sexuality.


I don't think he's confused at all.

Every trans person I've talked to says that he or she knew they were in the wrong body at around three or four years old. I say the guy is misleading her.

Dump him, but for other reasons, namely dishonesty.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 10:37:25 AM   
shadowborn61


Posts: 143
Joined: 11/5/2013
Status: offline 		Wow just wow!
I cannot believe the "just dump him" responses and i wonder if those who post them understand just how much you have to trust someone to admit to them things that could very well end a relationship. True this guy was not totally honest in the beginning of this relationship but do you tell someone all of your darkest secrets before you trust them and know them well enough to think that maybe just maybe they will accept you for who you are?
Trust is earned just like respect and you cannot reasonably expect someone to bare their soul to you until that trust is earned.
I am older and the societal stigma attached to a man who is sexually attracted to other men or who enjoy dressing in womens clothes is something i grew up with and is the main reason it took me many many years to admit who i truly am.In many parts of the U.S. today a man cannot walk down the street dressed as a woman without attracting a lot of attention and not the kind they want either. There are still places where homophobia is not only acceptable but encouraged so is it any wonder a man who is outside what society calls "normal" would be reluctant to disclose his darkest secrets to someone until he trusts them to at least not run laughing away?

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 10:59:06 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

Any advice?


Dump him and find someone who is not confused about his sexuality.


I don't think he's confused at all.

Every trans person I've talked to says that he or she knew they were in the wrong body at around three or four years old. I say the guy is misleading her.

Dump him, but for other reasons, namely dishonesty.


Good point.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 11:01:33 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shadowborn61

Wow just wow!
I cannot believe the "just dump him" responses and i wonder if those who post them understand just how much you have to trust someone to admit to them things that could very well end a relationship. True this guy was not totally honest in the beginning of this relationship but do you tell someone all of your darkest secrets before you trust them and know them well enough to think that maybe just maybe they will accept you for who you are?
Trust is earned just like respect and you cannot reasonably expect someone to bare their soul to you until that trust is earned.
I am older and the societal stigma attached to a man who is sexually attracted to other men or who enjoy dressing in womens clothes is something i grew up with and is the main reason it took me many many years to admit who i truly am.In many parts of the U.S. today a man cannot walk down the street dressed as a woman without attracting a lot of attention and not the kind they want either. There are still places where homophobia is not only acceptable but encouraged so is it any wonder a man who is outside what society calls "normal" would be reluctant to disclose his darkest secrets to someone until he trusts them to at least not run laughing away?



There is a very big difference between simply withholding some information until an intimacy is established and a bait and switch.

I don't want to be insensitive, but when I was new to CM there were many self-identified "dominant men" who first confessed that they were switches, and then confessed that really they were submissive men who could possibly switch once and awhile.

How can trust be earned on both sides when once a relationship develops there is dishonesty.
And there was here.

I don't think the OP wants to end the relationship.
But since she was looking for a dominant partner, I think she and her beloved should be open to her finding one that suits her needs outside her current relationship.



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(in reply to shadowborn61)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 11:06:42 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I cannot believe the "just dump him" responses and i wonder if those who post them understand just how much you have to trust someone to admit to them things that could very well end a relationship. True this guy was not totally honest in the beginning of this relationship but do you tell someone all of your darkest secrets before you trust them and know them well enough to think that maybe just maybe they will accept you for who you are?


Would your response be different if he'd lied about being married? That's a relationship ender as well.

I was in a relationship with a man who was bi, "poly," and liked cross dressers. I'm glad he was honest about it up front.

It did take a little while to realize we defined poly differently - my definition is "poly amoury" but he meant "poly fuckery," and that was partially why the relationship ended.

(in reply to shadowborn61)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 11:16:20 AM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		Either its intentional.
Or he is still growing up and has no clue who or what he is.

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(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 11:25:04 AM   
shadowborn61


Posts: 143
Joined: 11/5/2013
Status: offline 		I tend to give people the benefit of doubt but thats just me. Maybe he intentionally mislead her in which case she would be justified in dumping him on the other hand he may as Kinkypupper said be still discovering who and what he is and as long as she can adjust to and embrace the new dynamic then they have a chance to have a beautiful relationship.
There will be bumps in the road but that is usually true in any relationship kink or vanilla.

(in reply to Kinkypupper)
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RE: I need relationship advice... - 3/9/2014 11:25:20 AM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		While we don't tell our deepest darkest secrets to people we've just met, we definitely must reveal facts about ourselves that are relevant to a new relationship, or to a potential one, if we've met in the context of looking for a relationship. So being upfront at the outset about our gender, sexual and bdsm orientation, marital status, and factors our common sense tells us could be game changers to the other, is in my opinion essential. The person who fails to do that is manipulative and deceptive, a game changer for me.

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Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
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(in reply to kalikshama)
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