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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> New to this, how do you know you're a sub?

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New to this, how do you know you're a sub? - 4/7/2014 2:53:06 PM

Gbeaton

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Joined: 4/7/2014
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I am new to this world of things and I am sure I have scratched the surface. But how do you know if you are truly a submissive? I thought. I liked controlling what went on in the bedroom but when it change I really liked it but feel like I am not getting what I need out of it and too scared to push my hubby. Am too scared to give up complete control. Scared it won't be done right and I am going to be disappointed. How sad is that.

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RE: New to this, how do you know you're a sub? - 4/7/2014 2:58:02 PM

kalikshama

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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D/s is not all or nothing. Many of us are happy on different parts of the spectrum. I've been happy on different parts of the spectrum with different people.

Do what works for the two of you and ease into it.

(in reply to Gbeaton)

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RE: New to this, how do you know you're a sub? - 4/7/2014 3:00:49 PM

Gbeaton

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Joined: 4/7/2014
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You make it sound so easy and I feel so confused.

(in reply to kalikshama)

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RE: New to this, how do you know you're a sub? - 4/7/2014 3:29:25 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Gbeaton

I liked controlling what went on in the bedroom but when it change I really liked it but feel like I am not getting what I need out of it and too scared to push my hubby.

Since you say you liked controlling what goes on in the bedroom but that you really like it when it changes, you are alternating modes. If you commit yourself to being a submissive, you give up control of being in charge. If you're not ready to relinquish control, then be a switchy sub, meaning you have some switch tendencies. You enjoy it when you are bottoming in a BDSM scene, but when you direct the scene or act in the capacity of a service Top to your husband, then you "switch" modes. You don't have to pick a side, just do what feels right to you.

I take it your hubby is on board so far, but he's not setting the pace, correct? Let him ease into it, stretch his comfort levels with dominating you, and when you're cuddling afterwards, have some pillow talk to get his feedback and to give him yours. Heap in lots of praise and encouragement for what you enjoyed the most.

Keep in mind, he may not want to be the bedroom Dominant full time, and then negotiate between yourselves so that both of your needs get fulfilled. I do have to ask, though, why you are seeking Dominant men when you're married to a receptive husband. Has he consented to this? Informed consent with BDSM activities is the cornerstone of WIITWD-What It Is That We Do. If not, then is it worth possibly jeopardizing your marriage over?

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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Gbeaton)

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RE: New to this, how do you know you're a sub? - 4/7/2014 3:51:01 PM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
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How someone knows if they are a sub, dom, switch or none of the above is different for everyone. I knew I wanted a D/s relationship and that I was a sub from the time I was in my teens, it's a part of who I am but I didn't explore that part of myself until I was in my mid 20s.

You used the word "scared" three times in your post. Scared to push your hubby, scared to give up control, scared it won't be done right and be disappointed. There is no right or wrong way, whatever works for you and your husband is the right way for the two of you.

Open communication is essential in all types of relationships. Talk to him, let him know what you want, let him know what your fears are and get his take on all of it, see if he wants the same things. If something isn't working for you or for him, let the other know it's not working. Unless a couple are on complete opposite ends of the scale with their desires, there's always room to compromise and find a middle ground that works well for both of you.

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I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to Gbeaton)

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RE: New to this, how do you know you're a sub? - 4/7/2014 4:54:00 PM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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What kind of interaction DO you want? Go for that, and don't worry about the label.

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"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to InHisHeart)

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RE: New to this, how do you know you're a sub? - 4/7/2014 6:35:16 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gbeaton

You make it sound so easy and I feel so confused.

When my (now ex) husband and I realized we were drawn to BDSM, getting into it was easy. I bought several of the non-fiction books from the booklist: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm
We joined a local group, started going to munches, met people, made friends, got invited to private parties, saw how the D and s's in experienced couples interacted, etc.

We started off with a soft purple suede flogger that wouldn't hurt a fly and kept going back until we found one that worked. (We saved the lighter ones for use on more delicate parts.)

(in reply to Gbeaton)

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Post #: 7