Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submissive or a slave?

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Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submissive... - 4/16/2014 3:36:46 AM

Otakusubmissive

Posts: 6
Joined: 4/7/2014
Status: offline

This question has been plaguing me for months now; I finally decided to just go ahead and ask.

I've identified as a submissive since my mid teens, if not longer. I have always considered myself submissive - in desire, often in demeanour and in sexual preferences. When asked in the past, I have been quite definite in my assertion that I am a submissive, with no inclinations towards the slavery or M/s side of dynamics.

I just really wanted to ask how other submissives or slaves have defined their own role, and how they have come the these conclusions?

I know some argue that it is a matter of semantics, and I know that of course the main difference is the ability to say no or safewords. I understand the differences in the two roles. It's how you figure out which of these best fit in with the individual that is puzzling me. Is it dependent on the dynamics between the individuals involved? Does it vary depending on if you feel that your partner is more of a playmate than an owner? How do you figure out if your own desires are edging more towards submitting, or serving? Do the lines blur completely for some? Or am I just placing too much emphasis on a title that doesn't really have a great deal of meaning?

It's just so hard to define such things, but it almost feels like they need to be given a name - a meaning, a reason - so I can best figure out the way to search a little more seriously for something. If I can't begin to define it, how can I begin to know what, or who, I am looking for?

Any insight for other submissives, slaves or switches opinions or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much for your time.

Post #: 1

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/16/2014 4:31:36 AM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

I don't define roles. I enter into a relationship and let it naturally evolve into what it's meant to be.
With some, I've been submissive.
With one, it slowly, naturally become m/s.
It wasn't because of who I was or who he was. It was because of how we were together.

_____________________________

(in reply to Otakusubmissive)

Post #: 2

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/16/2014 5:57:13 AM

thishereboi

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

From what I have observed over the years of doing this is a submissive is a person who considers himself a submissive and a slave is a person who considers himself a slave. There is no rulebook telling you which one plays what role and what the rules will be. Both have entered into a relationship with another adult and they have agreed on how much freedom one will have and how much control the other will have. BOTH can use safewords and either one can walk away at any point they don't want to be in that relationship any more.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to Otakusubmissive)

Post #: 3

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/16/2014 7:22:40 AM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

FR

I have a seemingly very domineering personality because I am very clear about exactly what I want, and I usually live my life to make things go my way, because it's either make it happen, or stop trying to make it happen.

But I also enjoy following when I meet someone I totally respect and look up to, I'm a very good follower and sidekick to have, who will watch his back and be the support he needs to achieve his goals.

Sexually, I realise it turns me off to take any kind of initiative or lead. My arousal drops. But when a man who knows what he wants and just take without asking, and just orders me around in bed, it excites me to high heaven. So it's a little weird that I always tell men I can always teach him how to pleasure me correctly but deep down, I detest the fact that I have to do that, it makes everything less spectacular.

And in the working world, I detest having to take any leadership role, although I end up being thrust into it, because I'm seen as someone who gets things done and not afraid to step on people's toes.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 4/16/2014 7:25:06 AM >

(in reply to thishereboi)

Post #: 4

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/16/2014 7:46:23 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

I consider myself a submissive. I dislike the connotations of the word slave. I know several people I would say are submissive but they call themselves slave. It's not for me to say they are wrong. They have the right to put on whatever labels they choose.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to Otakusubmissive)

Post #: 5

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/16/2014 9:25:46 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Otakusubmissive
I just really wanted to ask how other submissives or slaves have defined their own role, and how they have come the these conclusions?

Carol generally figures she is "my wife". But even that word, as reasonably well defined as it is, pretty much fails to convey much meaning regarding the actual details of our marriage. So given that both "sub" and "slave" are undefined isn't this going to come down to preference? You are going to define those words how you see fit. You will then measure yourself and see which pre-chosen category you fit in. Then presto, you will be that.

The question is whether any of that changes any sort of reality.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Otakusubmissive)

Post #: 6

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/16/2014 12:34:24 PM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Otakusubmissive

Any insight for other submissives, slaves or switches opinions or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.

If you can leave, you're not a slave.

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to Otakusubmissive)

Post #: 7

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/16/2014 12:37:43 PM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline

I consider myself a submissive, I'm his full time partner not just his playmate and I also serve him in anyway he wants (sexually and non-sexually) with him always respecting my hard limits. He has control over some parts of my life and some decisions but not every part of my life or every decision made for me.

quote:

If I can't begin to define it, how can I begin to know what, or who, I am looking for?

I don't feel it's important whether you call yourself a sub or a slave, what is important is to know what you want in a relationship and find someone who is on the same page as you.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to Otakusubmissive)

Post #: 8

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/16/2014 2:50:47 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

It's relationship specific. We began as power equals, me bottoming to him. It progressed to him taking control in certain areas. It has since progressed to him taking control of almost anything he wants. But I didn't start looking for a box to fit into. The relationship grew organically.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to InHisHeart)

Post #: 9

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/16/2014 2:51:02 PM

sandyTheSub

Posts: 24
Joined: 4/13/2014
Status: offline

I have read lots of definitions. Mostly you can ignore them.
I have read many BDSM books and mostly people tend to define all things differently. Of course there are similarities, like a slave is always further down the submission route than a sub, but what exactly it means differs from person to person.

I personally don't like labels because of that. Labels are just names and people interpret them differently. I like to call myself sub though most books would rank me as slave.

(in reply to InHisHeart)

Post #: 10

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/16/2014 3:36:08 PM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

For the first, say, 7 or 8 years that I was in D/s relationships, I very firmly defined myself as a submissive because I had plenty of limits and I liked those boundaries. It was always my choice if, when and how I submitted. For the last 5 years, I've been more more interested in slavery - I like the whole concept and feeling of not having my own limits, of them having complete control (if they wish to use it) and going on a journey with that power exchange. For me, I consider it submission when I maintain the right to say stop or I won't do that and I consider it slavery when I give up the right to say what I will or won't do.

(in reply to Otakusubmissive)

Post #: 11

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/17/2014 2:44:31 AM

Toysinbabeland

Posts: 1693
Joined: 3/4/2012
From: the other end of Cx's leash
Status: offline

Who can decide for you what one word means to you and what the other means?

Everyone's dynamic is different, resulting in a new twist.
You will never have the same relationship twice.
Only YOU will decide the type of submission that you are willing to give.

_____________________________

*Smitten fox* that's all you need.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)

Post #: 12

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/17/2014 4:04:07 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I have an issue with someone defining themself in a vacuum.

Someone who is slave to one person might be sub to another, or even a Dom/me.

A person does not define an orientation as much as a relationship does.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Toysinbabeland)

Post #: 13

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/17/2014 5:19:26 AM

Chwilfrydig

Posts: 156
Joined: 1/15/2014
Status: offline

So you would have an issue with me telling the mirror how gorgeous and desirable I am?

It's been said "What you think, you become." Yes, I believe in positive visualization <Go Me!>. After all, the first relationship is the one you have with yourself.

I understand the OPs struggle to frame a good description of herself...to herself. It is sometimes a first and necessary step, and can help her enter a relationship with another person more confidently.

Hopefully as she reads through all the replies her own definition will become clearer. IMO, the feedback in this forum (if you pick and choose what resonates with you) is a valuable tool in self-discovery. It's why I lurk here, and why the variety of responses and opinions attract me.

On this thread, JeffBC probably comes closest to how I personally view it. He wrote, "You are going to define those words how you see fit. You will then measure yourself and see which pre-chosen category you fit in. Then presto, you will be that."

_____________________________

My username is Welsh for "curious".

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 14

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/17/2014 3:18:58 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I am a submissive was borm that wasy.I manage my day to day life i don't need Master to make every decision for me, He would not want that either. All of the major decisions he maks the decison wth input from me when asked. It worls for us and we are happy that way

Matt's littleone

(in reply to Chwilfrydig)

Post #: 15

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/18/2014 5:13:25 AM

Nakhla

Posts: 104
Joined: 10/24/2012
Status: offline

I'm a )(}%@&^&^U$. It perfectly describes me as a human being, translates that accurately to potential partners, and is intuitively meaningful to all those outside of the relationships I inhabit.

In other words, I've completely given up on the sub/slave/xxxx definitions. I'm me, and those who get to know me will find out whether I'm a match or not. To most, I won't be. I've made peace with that.

_____________________________

Submediant In Search Of Dominant Resolution... Formerly WestBaySlave on these forums.

(in reply to Otakusubmissive)

Post #: 16

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/18/2014 5:39:49 AM

inkedv

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/29/2014
Status: offline

i am also submissive by nature. i can function in the day to day world making decisions, but when put would rather take an supportive role in work than be place in a position where i have to be the leader. With that being said i can do it, but is does not mean i like it or it is comfortable. The big decisions that Master and i discuss have my input, but are left of to him to decide what is best. He takes my opinion into consideration, but normally inspires me to think about things in a different light. What works for us currently may not work for everyone, because we are all different and have unique needs.

(in reply to Nakhla)

Post #: 17

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/19/2014 12:09:18 AM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Otakusubmissive

This question has been plaguing me for months now; I finally decided to just go ahead and ask.

I've identified as a submissive since my mid teens, if not longer. I have always considered myself submissive - in desire, often in demeanour and in sexual preferences. When asked in the past, I have been quite definite in my assertion that I am a submissive, with no inclinations towards the slavery or M/s side of dynamics.

I just really wanted to ask how other submissives or slaves have defined their own role, and how they have come the these conclusions?

I know some argue that it is a matter of semantics, and I know that of course the main difference is the ability to say no or safewords. I understand the differences in the two roles. It's how you figure out which of these best fit in with the individual that is puzzling me. Is it dependent on the dynamics between the individuals involved? Does it vary depending on if you feel that your partner is more of a playmate than an owner? How do you figure out if your own desires are edging more towards submitting, or serving? Do the lines blur completely for some? Or am I just placing too much emphasis on a title that doesn't really have a great deal of meaning?

It's just so hard to define such things, but it almost feels like they need to be given a name - a meaning, a reason - so I can best figure out the way to search a little more seriously for something. If I can't begin to define it, how can I begin to know what, or who, I am looking for?

Any insight for other submissives, slaves or switches opinions or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much for your time.

I don't care about labels, except as really general buckets to determine if you have basic compatibility with someone else. It all comes down to the specifics. Once you start talking as people, the titles are meaningless

(in reply to Otakusubmissive)

Post #: 18

RE: Blurred lines - how do you define if you are submis... - 4/19/2014 6:33:02 AM

Chwilfrydig

Posts: 156
Joined: 1/15/2014
Status: offline

Hi Nakhla,

Haha - this reminds me of "The artist formerly known as Prince."

You could have a lot of fun at clubs with a t-shirt that said, "My orientation is )(}%****&^&^U$."

Seriously, I liked your reply. Cheers!

_____________________________

My username is Welsh for "curious".

(in reply to Nakhla)

Post #: 19

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