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Advice - 4/20/2014 3:57:28 PM   
ToMyOwnDrmmer


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/20/2014
Status: offline 		Hi everyone -

I could use some advice from those of you who are experienced in real life female dominant relationships and are of a mind to read my post and consider what I'm saying. I was with the same woman for 32 years, nearly 30 of them married. It wasn't a perfect marriage (and I don't know of any of those), but it was a rewarding one, and I recently lost her to cancer. She was beautiful, smart, hilarious, and had my back every step of the way as I built a career as a freelancer in the entertainment industry. Our relationship didn't lack for much, but it was a vanilla relationship. I did, from time to time, open up to her about my submissiveness, but that was just not something she could relate to other than occasionally trying out the dominant role (out of love) for me in the bedroom. It was sort of sweet, but it wasn't her, and that was that. When we met in the early 1980's, there was not nearly the opportunity to reach out and find like-minded people like there is today, and besides, I fell for her like a ton of bricks. It just didn't seem to matter so much that we didn't share this one thing. Later on, it DID matter more, but we stuck together, raised a couple of great kids, and had a lot of great times. It's only been a few months and I'm still trying to figure out how I would move on in my life. I'm only 57, so I know there's a life for me out there somewhere, but I'm not ready to do anything about it for at least another six months. Hence the hidden profile.

What I learned in my marriage was the importance of loyalty, communication, humor, shared values, patience, kindness, and taking time every day to express your love for one another. If I was going to ever have another relationship, those things would have to be paramount. Now, this second time around, I would also like to be able to express that love in the context of being a submissive man in a relationship with a dominant woman. I was always the "pleaser" in our relationship anyway. I cooked, cleaned, was the more verbal one as far as expressing love, did a lot of parenting (although she was a great mom who lived for her kids), and tried to find ways to support and care for her.

I think that in the 50+ vanilla dating scene, I would definitely be a "catch." I'm a nice guy, well educated, average looking, funny as hell, and have been extremely successful as a creative person in the entertainment industry. I have a pretty common name, but I'm a "first hit" Google result. I've worked with a lot of famous people, won awards for my work, am a published author, and now I have a very responsible job in the education field. I'm not saying this to brag, but merely to say that I'm not boring to hang around with, and in my experience people like that stuff. For a potential vanilla relationship, I check a lot of the basic boxes, and after that it's up to chemistry.

However, I'm not looking for a vanilla relationship. I don't know whether my accomplishments get me much traction as a male submissive in the world of kink. From what I've read, I don't believe that they do. I think that when I'm not so raw and can get to the point where I am ready to look, I don't know where or how to go about it. Should it be on Collar Me? I don't have a list of kinks. I don't know how to deal with a domme who has one either. I don't have much experience. I've had strong submissive feelings since I was a little kid. I saw a pro domme before I was married. I was with a woman before I was married who was dominant and we did a few things. Other than that, nothing. Because of my present position, I'm not relocatable. And all of the "vanilla" personality stuff is totally key to me. I had a good marriage for a long time, and I know that just sharing a need for D/s without the other stuff is not going to be enough for me.

So when I feel ready, should I try writing a big long-winded profile on CM and see if there are any takers? Is there some kind of subtle phrasing used on the vanilla sites like Match or POF that lets people know you are kinky without being "out" about it? I can't see going out on a half dozen dates with a woman and then telling her I'm a sub. 99% of the women I know would probably completely freak out if they found out. My wife did, but by then she loved me and we figured it out. Not the way I would have wanted to, but we dealt with it. Next time around, I want something more. I just don't know how to get it. The idea of going to a munch completely freaks me out. I haven't really been anywhere as a single person for over 30 years. It's hard to imagine going to a bar or any singles place by myself at this point, much less a BDSM munch.

Okay, so now this has become too long. Sorry to vent, but I'm just overwhelmed at starting over at this age and trying to find something that might address the unfulfilled feelings that I've carried with me for so long. Thanks in advance for any helpful comments.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Advice - 4/20/2014 4:03:31 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		When you are ready to look, perhaps you could go to a local munch.

edit: typo

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 4/20/2014 4:04:13 PM >

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to ToMyOwnDrmmer)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Advice - 4/20/2014 4:16:47 PM   
Autum39


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/6/2014
Status: offline 		@angelika...it seems you missed the whole point of secrecy and privacy and not being able to come out or do this in real time....only online. but thanks for the reply even if it totally missed the mark.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Advice - 4/20/2014 4:20:19 PM   
Autum39


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/6/2014
Status: offline 		sorry i see now it many not have been a reply to my post. How are replies separated here??

(in reply to Autum39)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Advice - 4/20/2014 4:26:27 PM   
Moderator3


Posts: 3289
Status: offline 		Autum, Her response was to you. If you look at the upper right corner of the post you can see 'in reply to _______' That means your post automatically started right after the one above it. Above that you will see Reply and you can hit that and reply to the person you wish to. So if you saw a post on page one of a two page thread, you could hit that and then go to where you make the post and respond to that person. If you wish to quote someone, meaning you get a box with something a poster said, you could put it in your message. Hit the quote on whatever post you wish to address or respond to. If you just want to post on the thread and not directly to anyone you can type FR and everyone will know you are speaking in general.

Edit to add: If you wish to report a post or member for something in a post, you go to the bottom of the post and see 'Report'. A box will pop up and you can give a reason for the report, etc. That sends a ticket to a moderator.

Welcome to Collarchat!

< Message edited by Moderator3 -- 4/20/2014 4:28:41 PM >

(in reply to Autum39)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Advice - 4/20/2014 4:31:10 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Moderator3

Autum, Her response was to you. If you look at the upper right corner of the post you can see 'in reply to _______' That means your post automatically started right after the one above it. Above that you will see Reply and you can hit that and reply to the person you wish to. So if you saw a post on page one of a two page thread, you could hit that and then go to where you make the post and respond to that person. If you wish to quote someone, meaning you get a box with something a poster said, you could put it in your message. Hit the quote on whatever post you wish to address or respond to. If you just want to post on the thread and not directly to anyone you can type FR and everyone will know you are speaking in general.

Welcome to Collarchat!


No, it was a reply to the OP of this thread, who asked a very different question.
My reply to Autum39 is on her thread although I don't think she will be any happier with my reply there.



_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Moderator3)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Advice - 4/20/2014 4:35:18 PM   
Moderator3


Posts: 3289
Status: offline 		LOL, I see that now. More coffee or sleep?

< Message edited by Moderator3 -- 4/20/2014 4:36:02 PM >

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Advice - 4/20/2014 5:10:10 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Stop being freaked out by meeting human beings in real life.

Easier said than done, I know. Probably your best bet is to hire a professional grief counselor, and let that person know you are concerned you might have social anxiety because you are freaked out by being at a lunch table with other people.

Bottom line: you sound unhealthy to me, and I bet you will respond to this by, "Of course I'm healthy you jerk," or something. So either I'm wrong, or you're in denial.

Best wishes.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to ToMyOwnDrmmer)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Advice - 4/20/2014 5:59:32 PM   
ToMyOwnDrmmer


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/20/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Stop being freaked out by meeting human beings in real life.

Easier said than done, I know. Probably your best bet is to hire a professional grief counselor, and let that person know you are concerned you might have social anxiety because you are freaked out by being at a lunch table with other people.

Bottom line: you sound unhealthy to me, and I bet you will respond to this by, "Of course I'm healthy you jerk," or something. So either I'm wrong, or you're in denial.

Best wishes.



Of course I'm healthy, you jerk!! :) Except for the fact that I've just lost my wife, life partner, and best friend of 30 years, I'm doing pretty well. I have lots of friends, make my living being with people (including having lots of lunches), and have generally been a very happy person. Social anxiety disorder is a very specific diagnosis which I wouldn't throw around unless I was a mental health professional, which I'm not (although my mom is). However, I HAVE been a closet sub my whole life, and I have no idea how to deal with that now that I may be attempting to pursue a relationship in which that becomes a primary component. I am a public figure in my city and being "out" as a sub isn't really an option, but I'm not sure how much overlap there is between "munch world" and "real world." I don't have a sense of what would happen if I met a colleague at one of these events. Thanks for the reply anyway.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Advice - 4/20/2014 8:57:04 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		If you were to meet a colleague at one of these events (which is to all appearances just people dressed in street clothes having dinner together), then they probably want discretion as much as you do.


_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to ToMyOwnDrmmer)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Advice - 4/20/2014 10:29:21 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		I see no social anxiety in your posts, ignore such armchair back of a magazine pysch comments.

After a long, successful mariage, suddenly being without your partner, lover and best friend can be daunting. The idea od dating again? Its not like riding a bike, huh?

I'm so sorry for your loss and I think you are good to take things slow. Don't move forward until you are ready whether its siix months or more. Take the time to grieve your loss. We'll still be here when your ready for the next step. Hell we will be here the whole time to do whatever we can to help you mentally explore and answer questions you may have.

Take your time. Sure you aren't getting any younger, but still no reason to rush and much tto learn

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Advice - 4/20/2014 11:22:09 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ToMyOwnDrmmer


quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Stop being freaked out by meeting human beings in real life.

Easier said than done, I know. Probably your best bet is to hire a professional grief counselor, and let that person know you are concerned you might have social anxiety because you are freaked out by being at a lunch table with other people.

Bottom line: you sound unhealthy to me, and I bet you will respond to this by, "Of course I'm healthy you jerk," or something. So either I'm wrong, or you're in denial.

Best wishes.



Of course I'm healthy, you jerk!! :) Except for the fact that I've just lost my wife, life partner, and best friend of 30 years, I'm doing pretty well. I have lots of friends, make my living being with people (including having lots of lunches), and have generally been a very happy person. Social anxiety disorder is a very specific diagnosis which I wouldn't throw around unless I was a mental health professional, which I'm not (although my mom is). However, I HAVE been a closet sub my whole life, and I have no idea how to deal with that now that I may be attempting to pursue a relationship in which that becomes a primary component. I am a public figure in my city and being "out" as a sub isn't really an option, but I'm not sure how much overlap there is between "munch world" and "real world." I don't have a sense of what would happen if I met a colleague at one of these events. Thanks for the reply anyway.


Don't listen to such nonsense.

You sound fine and you do sound like a great catch.

Just tKe it slow and easy. You can find people into this on vanilla sites too.

Jeez I get a ton of sub men writing on Ok Cupid even though I am sub.

(in reply to ToMyOwnDrmmer)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Advice - 4/21/2014 12:48:44 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
<snip>
Jeez I get a ton of sub men writing on Ok Cupid even though I am sub.

There are plenty of subs on okcupid.com, like sexyred has recommended. I prefer for them to be open and honest about their D/s orientation, instead of trying to hide it under a mound of vanilla smokescreen. The vanilla compatibility part is important, don't get me wrong, but a man who's too ashamed of his sexuality to plainly state what he is and what he wants, isn't going to find it. Sexual hang-ups are a MAJOR turn-off to me, whatever flavor they come in.

Try your hand here on CM, keeping in mind that this is the Internet, and nobody is trustworthy until they have earned your trust and respect. You will find the Collarchat (CC) forum side doesn't have the CM profile side's meat-market mentality.

I believe that what you're seeking is primarily D/s in a generically Female Led Relationship (but don't get stuck on labels), which is separate from BDSM. There are fewer of us who are not suffering from BDSM fetish-kink fever, and/or who are not sado-masochistic, but we do exist. You just have to hunt harder to find us.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Advice - 4/21/2014 6:02:27 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		When you are ready, you should use collarme and OKCupid and go to a munch. I would bet your local munch has folks who are willing to meet you before hand and introduce you to people so it's not such a daunting experience. There are a lot of male subs online, but meeting people in person will make you stand out. And just in case you don't already know, there's no kink or anything taking place at a munch. Just a group of normally dressed people having drinks/food and chatting - they just happen to also be kinky.

I think you actually have an advantage over many other male subs. For one, you've got one hell of a successful relationship behind you. You clearly possess the basic relationship skills that many seem to lack (the internet is crowded with those types). And for another, you're not kink focused. A lot of guys looking for a dominant woman come with a lengthy list of fetishes, and don't care much about the woman as long as she's willing to do these dirty things to him. Those two things alone will make you an attractive option.

It must be nerve wracking to get back in the dating pool, especially after a loss, so you have my sympathy there. There isn't really any avoiding it though, if you want to be with someone again.

Don't worry about having a list of kinks. Find someone who wants to be in charge and ticks your vanilla boxes, then you're almost all of the way there. As long as she doesn't have a huge fetish for something you never want to try, you will have a lot of common ground and I'm sure you will be able to find some kinky common ground. Even if you don't, not every dominant woman is into fetish play.

You sound like a decent guy and I hope when the time comes you have success finding someone that's a good match for you.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to ToMyOwnDrmmer)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Advice - 4/21/2014 3:11:24 PM   
StrictlyADomina


Posts: 103
Joined: 7/11/2011
Status: offline 		It's daunting to pic up and move forward after your life partner has passed away. Probably the worst mistake you could make would be to jump at the first offer you get because you are lonely and anxious. Follow the advice of others, take some time. Fetlife is a free site like collarme, but it has many discussion boards on different kink topics and most of the local groups post their events there. So learn a little and figure out what you want then go forward. A munch is just dinner or coffee with some people. That's all. If you are witty and a fair conversationalist, you will be a big hit.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Advice - 4/21/2014 5:33:28 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		TMOD-

My advice would be to connect with your local community for casual events/activities. Just get to know the folks there as you would any other group of people. That way you will have a leg up when you feel ready to think about another relationship, and by then you will have met many lifestyle people who can help you network. There could even be someone in your immediate group you take a shine to, and vice versa.

My condolences on losing your wife. May your joy return soon!

(in reply to ToMyOwnDrmmer)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Advice - 4/24/2014 12:49:33 PM   
pleasemsbliss


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/23/2013
Status: offline 		well, yes, it's a good idea to write-up a profile. Don't post any pictures, of course and don't do anything you would feel uncomfortable doing. As a sub man you will get TONS of messages from pros and "scammers" asking for your credit card, etc...that is how it is here, and you absolutely must get used to the idea that you have to be the pursuer and that you have to do the work. Dominant women rarely reach out to men, you have to make your case. Despite how you see yourself, you have a lot of competition, so even if you are a "catch" you may not be a "catch" here because there are just so many submissive men, yes and some of them also have public careers, you are not alone. So focus on finding people to "talk to" on your local area and send thoughtful messages.
I wonder though if this is a good idea for you because it can be disheartening for a sub man to handle the rejections. And you are already vulnerable from your recent loss, but good luck. Also, for many women kinks are not important, submission is, so don't worry about that, worry about connecting with someone first. Look

Good luck with everything!

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Advice - 4/24/2014 3:36:31 PM   
Tantriqu


Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		To the OP:

Sadly, straight sub alpha males often think they're the only ones, so are often surprised by who else is wearing a chastity device or crop marks in the locker room.
All of the good sub men I've dated had vanilla, alpha lives when we were courting, and I was very happy to discover they were submissive behind closed doors. Although in theory one can't be sure unless you ask and the person is truthful about their sexuality, I'm betting you'll be attracted to the woman making witty remarks and holding your gaze until you drop yours. Ask out the next woman who laughs at the same things you do/go out with the next woman who asks you, and I'll bet you'll be pleasantly surprised what's in her closet.

I find these sites are the opposite! You may be instantly sexually compatible, but then it takes time to ensure intellectual and emotional compatability.

Can't see your profile, so can't comment on it.
So be sure to read the FAQs for writing profiles and writing to Dommes; you wrote an eloquent intro to this thread, so no worries there, and I bet we'll be reading your success story in a couple of months.

Good luck!



_____________________________

"Then I did the simplest thing in the world. I leaned down... and kissed him. And the world cracked open." - Agnes de Mille

(in reply to pleasemsbliss)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Advice - 4/24/2014 3:41:14 PM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		You need to ask yourself.

Is the risk to be submissive worth the risk of it becoming public?
ALso you said your a writer, a famous one, maybe contact the writer of 50 shades of grey and add of they can lead you in the correct path.

(in reply to pleasemsbliss)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Advice - 4/24/2014 3:49:12 PM   
pleasemsbliss


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/23/2013
Status: offline 		You don't have to be public on OkCupid. You can obscure your face and add keywords in your profile. OR you can have a 100% vanilla profile with your real photos with subtle hints just making sure you contact or search for dominant women. I used to have an OkC profile, I liked it better than CM because you could find out more about the person instead of just kink. But like CM, it is helpful for women not necessarily for men. If I were you I'd try CM, OkC and Fetlife. Might as well. In anycase, for CM and Fetlife, Keep the anonymity until you meet someone in person. You don't HAVE to show your face...

(in reply to imtempting)
Profile   Post #: 20
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