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The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/26/2014 8:39:26 AM

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I'd like this thread to contain nothing but belly laughers. Honest-to-goodness good stuff.

I know not everyone's humor is the same. I get that but, what I am asking is please contain the posts to jokes that really made you crack up.

I will start with:

Two hunters are out duck hunting. They're out from dawn until dusk. They've got nothing.

On the way back to their cabin, the first one says: "I can't believe we didn't even get one duck!"

The second says: "Maybe we're not throwing the dogs high enough?"

Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

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RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/26/2014 9:07:45 AM

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I have a feeling many people have probably heard this one, but it has been one of my favorites for many years.

A big game hunter in Africa is on his way back to camp one evening after a bad day of hunting. He only has one bullet left in his gun. He is nearly back to camp when the biggest lion he has ever seen steps out onto the path a few feet ahead of him.

The hunter raises his gun. The lion crouches. The hunter fires. The lion leaps. The hunter misses. The lion's jump takes him high over the hunter's head.

The hunter takes off running as fast as he can, and barely makes it back to camp, thus depriving the lion of his meal.

The next morning the hunter decides that was just too close and so goes off a short distance into the jungle to practice some short-range shooting. As he is setting up a few targets he hears a commotion near by in the brush. He sneaks closer to see what the noise is all about.

As he parts the bushes to peek through he sees the lion practicing short jumps.

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RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/26/2014 9:19:29 AM

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Nah. I liked it. For some reason, though, I have "Hooray For Captain Spalding" running through my head.

Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

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A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

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RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/26/2014 9:28:50 AM

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this has been my favorite joke for years…i hope you all find it funny =)

A small town newspaper reporter is out driving through the country one day. As he passes a farm, he happens to notice a 3 legged pig in its pen. Thinking it would make a good story, he pulls in the drive to interview the farmer about his unusual pig.

When the farmer answers his knock at the door, the reporter asks about the pig-what happened that left it with only 3 legs? "Oh! Let me tell you about that pig! One time, my kids were lost in the woods, and no one could fine them. That pig not only found them, but brought them safely home. He is the greatest pig in the world and i love that pig!" The reporter agreed that that was amazing, but asked again…why does the pig have only 3 legs? "And another time," the farmer said, "our house was on fire during the night. We were all sound asleep. That pig ran up on the porch, and jumped against the door until we woke up. He saved our lives! He is the greatest pig in the world, and i love that pig!" "That IS a great story," agreed the reporter, "but it still doesn't explain why he has only 3 legs." "And ANOTHER time," the farmer said, "my tractor overturned on top of me. I couldn't get out, and i would've died if that pig hadn't run up to the house and alerted my wife. He saved my life, and he is the greatest pig in the world and i LOVE THAT PIG!" "But why does he only have 3 legs??" the reporter asked yet again. "Well," said the farmer, "A pig that great, you don't eat all at once."

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RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/26/2014 11:47:11 AM

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I heard a joke when I was in California. Back now in NY, though, I'm concerned that would be carrying a joke too far . . .

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RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/26/2014 11:57:31 AM

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Touché

Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to Musicmystery)

RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/26/2014 12:20:57 PM

poise

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I've heard many a joke over the years, but for some reason, this is the only one I can remember word for word.

There are two men living on opposite ends of the world.
One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers.
The other is being orally stimulated by an 89 year old woman.
They are both thinking the same exact thing.
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"Whatever you do, DON'T LOOK DOWN!!

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RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/26/2014 12:22:14 PM

hlen5

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A rabbit was hopping along in the woods on beautiful summer day when he came upon a log in a nice little clearing. Feeling the call of nature, he sat on the log and started to poop. All of a sudden there was a bear in this nice little clearing. The bear had just eaten honey from a beehive and was feeling pretty mellow. The bear sat down on the log and started to poop too.

The bear looks over at the rabbit and asked, "Tell me, do you ever have problems with the poop sticking to your fur?". The rabbit says, "Not really". The bear says, "Good" , grabs him and wipes his own butt.

< Message edited by hlen5 -- 4/26/2014 12:23:15 PM >

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RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/26/2014 12:26:40 PM

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A couple of quickies:

A baby seal walks into a club.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says I'll have a beer and a mop!

Thank you! I'm here all week!

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RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/26/2014 12:31:34 PM

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Two bacterium walk into a tavern. They walk right behind the serving bar.

The barman says: "Hey! Where do you think you're going?!"

One of the bacteria says: "It's okay. We're staff!"

Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to ThatDaveGuy69)

RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/26/2014 12:33:02 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDaveGuy69

A skeleton walks into a bar and says I'll have a beer and a mop!

That's one of my favorite jokes ever and very few people seem to like it. :)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/26/2014 12:34:14 PM

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".

Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.

Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.

Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"

Holmes: "Someone has stolen our tent".

(in reply to Kaliko)

RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/26/2014 4:11:44 PM

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Two guys are jogging on a trail. Suddenly, a snake sinks its fangs right into the crotch of one of the men. Frantic, the man who has been bitten begs his friend to call 911 on his cell phone…which he does. After describing the snake to the 911 dispatcher, he is told that he must suck the venom from his friend and he will be fine, but he must do it immediately or he will not survive. He ends the call and the man who has been bitten asks, "Well? What did they say???" "They said you're gonna die, bud".

(in reply to Kaliko)

RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/26/2014 4:55:11 PM

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A man goes to the dentist go get an infected tooth pulled. The dentist readies the nova cane and as he prepares to give the injection the man asks what that is for. "It's to deaden the area so that when I pull the tooth it won't hurt," replies the dentist.

"Don't worry about that stuff, Doc," says the man. "I've only been hurt twice in my life, and getting a tooth pulled can't be as bad as either of those."

"You gotta be kidding," says the dentist. "How on earth were you ever hurt more than getting a tooth pulled?'

"Well," the man says, "the first time was when I was out hiking in the woods and needed to stop and take a crap. I found what looked like a good place, dropped my pants, squatted down, and got my balls caught in a huge bear trap!"

"Ouch!" cried the dentist. "That MUST have hurt! So what was the second time?"

The man replied..."When I hit the end of the chain."

< Message edited by igor2003 -- 4/26/2014 4:56:19 PM >

_____________________________

If the women don't find you handsome they should at least find you handy. - Red Green

At my age erections are like cops...there's never one around when you need it!

Never miss a good chance to shut up. - Will Rogers

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RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/27/2014 6:36:30 AM

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A salesman is driving down this back-country dirt road. he's doing 60 MPH (about 96 KPH for the imperials).

He looks next to him and there's a three-legged chicken, running right along side his car.

He's amazed and a bit confused. Suddenly, he gets curious and decides to speed up to see what the chicken can do. Now, he's doing about 80 MPH.

He looks next to him and sure enough, there's the chicken, running right next to his car, still.

He puts the accelerator all the way to the floor. He's moving at about 110 MPH. He looks next to him and as he does, the chicken speeds up and makes a sharp right turn right in front of him.

The salesman jams on the brake pedal and spins the steering wheel so as to not run over the chicken. The car slides and goes into a gully, by the side of the road. It flips over a few times and comes to rest, up side-down.

The salesman feels his forehead and realizes he's bleeding. He looks up the hill and sees a farmhouse. he drags himself out of the car and goes up and knocks on the door.

He explains the accident to the farmer then, asks to use the phone.

The farmer says: "Sure you can use the phone but did you say it was a three-legged chicken?"

The salesman says: "I didn't but, how did you know that?"

The farmer replies: "Well, I guessed. That's one of mine and I apologize for all the trouble."

The salesman says: " ' ... one of ...?' You have more?"

"Sure. I raise 'em that way!"

The salesman is really astonished (and starting to figure out how he's going to make money on this). "Why do you raise three-legged chickens?"

"Well, I like the leg. Ma likes the leg and when Junior come along, he likes the leg, too."

The salesman says: "Ahhh! I see. Well, how do they taste?"

Farmer: "I wouldn't know. I cain't catch the fuckin' thangs!"

Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 4/27/2014 6:38:23 AM >

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to igor2003)

RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/27/2014 7:25:37 AM

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So a dyslexic walks into a bra.....

_____________________________________________

A woman has been in a coma for months. Her husband dutifully visits her every day. One day her nurses stopped him and said, "While we were bathing your wife, we noticed that when we washed her private parts, she reacted. We think maybe if you would go in and have oral sex with her, she would come out of her coma. We'll shut the door and stand watch so that you can have complete privacy."

So, the husband goes in. A few minutes later, all the alarms in the room went off and the nurses rushed in to find the patient in full arrest and seizing. The husband was standing there, looking bewildered and the nurses yelled, "What happened??" He shrugged and said, "I don't know, maybe she choked!"

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RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 4/27/2014 7:29:39 AM

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This lady went to see her doctor and was diagnosed as having a
tapeworm. "They're not easy to get rid of, but we'll give it our
best shot,"the doctor told her, and instructed her to come in every
day for two weeks, and to bring a lemon cookie and a hard-boiled egg.

The lady agreed, and showed up the next morning with the two items. To her
horror, the doctor shoved the hard-boiled egg up her butt, followed it
with the crumbled-up cookie, and sent her home.
This went on for twelve more days, at which point the doctor's instructions were
to forget the cookie and bring in the egg and a hammer.

On the last day the lady dropped her pants in considerable
apprehension, gritting her teeth as the doctor inserted the egg up
her butt and calmly sat back.
A few minutes later the tapeworm stuck his head
out and said, "Where's my lemon cookie?"

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 5/9/2014 11:43:06 AM

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There once was a lass from Nantucket,
Who went to the moon in a bucket.
When she got there,
they asked for her fare.
So she stuck out her tit and said, "Suck it!"

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RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 9/4/2014 2:15:48 AM

NORTZ

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This cracks me up all the time...

WHAT DO YOU CALL AN INDIAN LESBIAN?

Minge.eatar....

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RE: The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Is ...? - 9/4/2014 9:59:29 AM

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"Aside from that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"

Yes, my humor tends to be dark.

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No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

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