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I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/5/2014 11:13:56 PM   
Jewelcrafter


Posts: 49
Joined: 10/26/2012
Status: offline 		I am unsure how to start this exactly. The situation is not necessarily unwanted, I just wasn't expecting it from her. Before I get into what that is, I will say that I have known her for about a year and a half and we started dating a couple of months ago. She knows about my kinky side, but she doesn't understand that my understanding moves passed the bedroom, where hers ends. Bedroom kink is all she has told me she has. I will also say that know she knows I am kinky, I was expecting our relationship to be fairly vanilla except for the bedroom from time to time. Today that changed.

She has been saying for several months now that she needs structure in her life, someone planning her day out for her and telling her what she needs to do each day. A 24/7 kind of deal. I didn't put too much stock in it since she has such a strong desire to be independent and take care of herself, which she struggles to do. She deals with certain psychological conditions. Hence the reason I didn't put much stock into it. I reasoned that she would no longer desire that situation when she got back onto her feet more firmly, but tonight my mind started to change and I told her that if that is what she really needed, if that is what she really wanted, I would do it. I would give her that structure.

Mind you, we are not in a D/s structure. She is not my submissive, I am not her dominate. As I stated earlier, our relationship is vanilla, and I thought that is how it would stay. Today, while we were talking, I realized that she doesn't just want a somewhat D/s relationship, she needs it. It finally sunk into my head, she needs this to the point of crying and begging. My situation is that she lives at home with her parents and until the Spring, so do I. How do I go about setting up a structure for her to follow around her parents at home? If we lived together, it would be a lot easier, but we don't.

We are 30 by the way. I am living at home because the pipes in my house were freezing in the winter. I'm waiting for this winter to pass to ensure that the pipes, which were supposed to be fixed in the summer, don't freeze again. So any suggestions?
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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/5/2014 11:37:21 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Good Lord. Let me summarize.

OP is a Dom with a sub. She's been a bedroom sub for the two months of their relationship. They have mutually decided that they will change from bedroom Dom.sub to full D/s mode, outside as well as inside the bedroom.

Complications are that they so not live together, and she still lives with her parents at 30 (small red flag here).

His question - How can he set and enforce rules if they do not live together?

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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/5/2014 11:55:59 PM   
PandoraFoxxx


Posts: 182
Joined: 1/3/2011
From: San Mateo, CA
Status: offline 		My guess is it will have to be primarily on the honor system (which works - if people are honorable) and can be quite satisfying for a submissive, I am speaking from experience here.

The how: start small - ground rules for a bedtime - between thus and such a time. Enforcing specific clothing requests; i.e. you will only wear skirts, hose, no panties, this specific thing etc; when we go out. Excuse to family? He loves this article of clothing. There are many things one can do and easily hide from nosey roommates or family to build a foundation of structure. You just have to get creative and think of this aspect as how you would enforce rules with an adolescent. Since she has expressed such a need for this type of structure, it should be easy for her to adhere to, but he will have to make sure to be consistent. Hope this helps get you started!

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/6/2014 12:12:15 AM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
Assuming you're not a complete ass who would command her to do things that would ruin her relationship with her parents and get her thrown out of the house, what's the problem? Are you afraid she won't obey you? Or worse, that she'll lie to you by claiming that she is when she isn't? And if neither of those, then what exactly? Because I don't see the problem, unless what she really wants is to play some variant of "Make me, Daddy."

K.









< Message edited by Kirata -- 9/6/2014 12:19:28 AM >

(in reply to Jewelcrafter)
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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/6/2014 6:07:59 AM   
Domnotlooking


Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline 		Why not just act like loving, kinky people as best you can until you get your pipes thing straightened out and lay low around her parents?

There is no secret recipe to having a hot D/s relationship. Just be true to yourselves and have fun.

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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/6/2014 6:23:22 AM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking

Why not just act like loving, kinky people as best you can until you get your pipes thing straightened out and lay low around her parents?

There is no secret recipe to having a hot D/s relationship. Just be true to yourselves and have fun.


exactly. Give her a few rules and get a room for the kink. You can get some inexpensive under the mattress bondage straps that work with cuffs for those motel rooms that have no bed posts. They work, I promise. Maybe she likes outdoor bondage and you have a pickup truck (no pun intended), add a little rope from Lowes and you have the innocent maiden bound to the back bed of your truck, nude in heels only of course, and even over your pickup truck tailgate, or the trees nearby in your own private but very outdoor getaway. Easy peasey.

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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/6/2014 6:30:45 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jewelcrafter


We are 30 by the way. I am living at home because the pipes in my house were freezing in the winter. I'm waiting for this winter to pass to ensure that the pipes, which were supposed to be fixed in the summer, don't freeze again. So any suggestions?


I actually had a look to see which part of Austrailia you lived in... Considering how friggen hot it is in the Midwest.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to Jewelcrafter)
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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/6/2014 6:39:46 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
Complications are that they so not live together, and she still lives with her parents at 30 (small red flag here).



OI!! I'm over 50 and about to move in with my Mom (partly because she wants me close in case she does a sudden slide into decrepitude, and mostly because it will be financially advantageous to us both).

In this day and age, it's more the norm to have 30-somethings still in/returning to the parental home, Steven. Just sayin'.

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Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/6/2014 6:51:10 AM   
AnnaOphelia


Posts: 69
Joined: 9/2/2014
Status: offline 		I think I am misreading somewhere. If you haven't already transitioned yet, at least not to the point of being full time, then why can't you just have a delayed start? You can still help her map out her days. You can still tell her what you prefer her to wear, you can still exercise dominance from her as much as she's willing to obey. I'm wondering is that the concern, whether or not she'll actually obey if you give the order ? If she's mostly vanilla , you're going to probably need a transition period anyway.

Maybe turn the staying with parents thing into a little bit of a turn on. Give her weird little sneaky tasks, say no underwear or something on a day. Use household things . Candles?Essential oils can create burn sensation with no marks , people but those anyway. Spank her with something wrapped to muffle the sound.blindfolds can be made of anything, and you can do sensory play with different things,she'll never know what.food play?. I don't know what she has or doesn't, but I'd imagine her room has plenty for sneaky quiet gratification, and you cAn go on a fake date to go play maybe once a week? Idk. My advice is basically to act like kinky teenagers,and for that I'm sorry, but just think of what you did then .

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/6/2014 7:13:51 AM   
Tantriqu


Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		HUGE red flag for 'certain psychological conditions': BDSM and untreated mental health issues should not mix, especially if she has abuse, self-esteem or sexual issues.
If she's in treatment, make sure she discusses this with her doc.
If she's not in treatment, make sure she attends regularly.


_____________________________

"Then I did the simplest thing in the world. I leaned down... and kissed him. And the world cracked open." - Agnes de Mille

(in reply to AnnaOphelia)
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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/6/2014 7:37:29 AM   
Jewelcrafter


Posts: 49
Joined: 10/26/2012
Status: offline 		Tantriqu, that is the reason I was ignoring this aspect of her for so long, even though I thought she would do well in this kind of structure. I kept saying I am thinking with the wrong head and only seeing and hearing what I want and she isn't in a state of mind to be considering this with her, so I won't. She wants to be too free and independent to do this anyway. When she told me she would rather be living on a psych ward or living program just so she has the structure of what she will do everyday, I asked her if she doesn't feel safe and secure without that level of structure and she said she doesn't.

The two she is dealing with is depression and bi-polar, which she does take medication for. The depression has gotten better. So I'm not so much looking for kinky play, as for how to fill out her day beyond her regular chores at home which she could finish in a few hours. She has no problem doing things when asked, but she wants to be told because she doesn't trust her memory, it's kind of bad. She has brought up being told to do things and map out her day to me and her parents are various occasions but her parents just get angry and vulgar about it. I have finally gone from I'll help you figure out your day to I'll figure it out and tell you what to do.

What I am asking for is what kind of busy work can she do to fill out her days between her chores. Some of those chores are seasonal and once fall hits, they are over. As far as lying to me, she hasn't yet, not as far as what she has or hasn't done goes. Her parents are a problem I am dealing with because they are not at all supportive of her. They want what they want of her and expect her to be "normal". Like she can just get over what is wrong with her and they don't like talking about what is wrong with her. I need to use this D/s structure to build up her confidence and self worth, which she mainly has none of right now, but she did when we met. I hope that clears things up a little about what I am asking for advice on?

Edited to Add:
She is in treatment and speaks with her Doc. about a lot of things.

< Message edited by Jewelcrafter -- 9/6/2014 7:39:51 AM >

(in reply to Tantriqu)
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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/6/2014 7:44:00 AM   
Jewelcrafter


Posts: 49
Joined: 10/26/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


quote:

ORIGINAL: Jewelcrafter


We are 30 by the way. I am living at home because the pipes in my house were freezing in the winter. I'm waiting for this winter to pass to ensure that the pipes, which were supposed to be fixed in the summer, don't freeze again. So any suggestions?


I actually had a look to see which part of Austrailia you lived in... Considering how friggen hot it is in the Midwest.


There was moisture getting into the gas line and freezing in the winter, cutting off the heat. That problem was supposed to have been fixed, but I'm waiting for the first freeze before I move back in again. I've moved out twice because of it and this last year the pipes weren't completely emptied of water so the water heater broke. So if the house still has heat in the winter, then the problem is fixed and I'll work on cleaning up and doing some remodeling. Until then I refuse to sink anymore money into it. My living situation there is unique, since it is family owed, and I am not losing money by not living there.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/6/2014 7:52:03 AM   
AnnaOphelia


Posts: 69
Joined: 9/2/2014
Status: offline 		I rescind my advice. Do not proceed until she's stabilized .

(in reply to Jewelcrafter)
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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/6/2014 7:57:34 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantriqu

HUGE red flag for 'certain psychological conditions': BDSM and untreated mental health issues should not mix, especially if she has abuse, self-esteem or sexual issues.
If she's in treatment, make sure she discusses this with her doc.
If she's not in treatment, make sure she attends regularly.

Jewelcrafter, you sound like a concerned boyfriend, and that's how things should remain. Continue to be her good (best) friend, and do what a loving boyfriend would normally do in a intimate relationship. Your job is not to enable her, and in a certain sense her psychological issues have her in a diminished capacity to consent. I'm not saying you have done anything wrong by engaging in BDSM activities with her and with the bedroom D/s, but she's not looking for an interdependent D/s to fulfill her already well-adjusted life. She want a co-dependent relationship where she won't have to think for herself, and she wants you to be her life preserver in the midst of her gale storm. This isn't a psychologically healthy position for you to be in either if you decide to take control of her, and you're out of your element insofar as establishing a "treatment plan" for her that only her therapist should be doing.

ETA: Do be careful with the BDSM to avoid edge play which might set off a psychological/PTSD trigger. Keep it light and simple, nothing melodramatic or overly intense. You've only been dating for a couple of months, and there's no need to rush. As a Dominant, but not as her Master, it IS your duty to set a slower pace and that is what you should explain to her.

< Message edited by FieryOpal -- 9/6/2014 8:20:00 AM >

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Tantriqu)
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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/6/2014 9:38:29 AM   
Jewelcrafter


Posts: 49
Joined: 10/26/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnnaOphelia

I rescind my advice. Do not proceed until she's stabilized .

Yeah, I think that would be best.

FieryOpal, I am inclined to agree with you. We have talked a lot about dependency and co-dependency. It's something we have agreed that we both want to avoid. I don't have any intention of transitioning into a full D/s relationship with her, and for her to be very open with her doctor about what is going on in her life. I don't want to enter into full on D/s because of her mental capacity at the moment. Yes, daily structures are a big part of that side of the coin, but I want to remove as much notion as I can of Dom/sub since we really aren't.

We aren't involved in any sort of BDSM play at the moment. Right now I don't want to be. There will be time for that when she is more stable. Her triggers are something I am concerned about and I am learning what her triggers are. In some cases because she told me, others from experience. She doesn't understand the D/s side of BDSM and when I was trying to explain to her about what I learned about one of her triggers while we were out (we were out taking a walk downtown), she was misunderstanding. I learned what the trigger was and how to keep it from escalating, and yes that didn't fix the problem as it did affect the rest of the day, but I learned what causes it and how to avoid triggering it in the future. To her BDSM is bondage and rough play. That's all it's every been for her from my understanding. Her understanding of BDSM is what mine was as a teenager.

Also, I just found out that her parents are leaving for a few weeks and she wants me to stay with her at home. So I guess we'll see how things will work. It will be a vanilla situation minus the daily structure. Without knowing what she is going to do each day, she says she feels like everything is out of control. I've given her suggestions about things she can do, but like I said earlier, her memory is bad and she forgets if she doesn't write stuff down or is reminded. So that's mainly the direction we are going right now. Here is what you need to do today and I'm going to call and make sure you remember to do them. I will put you on a schedule.

(in reply to AnnaOphelia)
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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/7/2014 12:08:10 AM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jewelcrafter

Without knowing what she is going to do each day, she says she feels like everything is out of control. I've given her suggestions about things she can do, but like I said earlier, her memory is bad and she forgets if she doesn't write stuff down or is reminded. So that's mainly the direction we are going right now. Here is what you need to do today and I'm going to call and make sure you remember to do them. I will put you on a schedule.

I'm sorry to say this, but I think you are heading down a very dark road. What does she mean she doesn't know what she's going to do each day? She's going to do whatever she decides to do. Take a walk, go see a movie, read a book, whatever. She needs to think for herself. And if she has a bad memory, then she needs to write things down and check her list now and then. She needs to get control of her life. But instead she wants to put that on you, and your need to "help" her makes you only too willing. So from where I sit, the co-dependency dynamic that you say you want to avoid is already in place. If her therapist thought that planning her days for her would help her, he'd be doing it. He's not. There's a clue there.

K.


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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/7/2014 4:28:41 AM   
thompsonx


Posts: 23322
Joined: 10/1/2006
Status: offline
ORIGINAL: GreedyTop


OI!! I'm over 50 and about to move in with my Mom (partly because she wants me close in case she does a sudden slide into decrepitude, and mostly because it will be financially advantageous to us both).

Why isn't there a "i have fallen and can't reach my beer" joke in here someplace

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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/7/2014 4:02:58 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		So why can't you set rules the way a life coach would?
Have her set an alarm for 11 PM to get into bed. Or text you to tell you she's going to bed then.
Why can't you have her keep a food diary or get a personal trainer? Or if you live close enough, go for walks together or meet at the gym three times a week?

All these things shouldn't cause any problems. Because if she needs help with life structure, it's these kinds of things, not sexyfuntime stuff she's looking for.

Hell, if it proves helpful, then you could start training as a life coach.

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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/7/2014 4:21:21 PM   
kkaliforniaa


Posts: 263
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		If she wants to be micromanaged, and has memory problems, you should get her a datebook. One that has sections for each hour of the day. Make sure to keep most everything the same, by doing this it should help her memory. If after a month, she can't remember that exercise is from "3-4 pm", like it has been for the past 30 days, then maybe the issue is more serious than expected.

Things to do: eating, sleeping, cleaning [maybe that could be once a week, instead of daily], taking out the garbage, reading, exercising, grocery shopping [once a week], keeping a daily diary [if she doesn't already], learning something new and becoming better at it [could be arts & crafts, could be sports, politics, economics, etc].. .. Maybe have her do a crossword puzzle [or similar sort of puzzle] every day to help work her brain. The more it is worked, the better memory should become, in theory at least.. Make sure to have everything last close to an hour, so the datebook remains somewhat organized, instead of multiple activities listed for each hour

Oh! You could also have her volunteer somewhere. An animal shelter. A hospital. A library. Etc

< Message edited by kkaliforniaa -- 9/7/2014 4:40:58 PM >

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: I Find Myself In A Situation - 9/7/2014 9:55:24 PM   
Jewelcrafter


Posts: 49
Joined: 10/26/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

So why can't you set rules the way a life coach would?
Because if she needs help with life structure, it's these kinds of things, not sexyfuntime stuff she's looking for.

Hell, if it proves helpful, then you could start training as a life coach.


The life coach is probably the better way to describe the goal of this. Not sexyfuntime, but life structure, like you said. I guess I did a poor job of explaining that. I didn't think about getting life coach training. I'll look into that and see if that can help. Thanks.


quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa

If she wants to be micromanaged, and has memory problems, you should get her a datebook. One that has sections for each hour of the day. Make sure to keep most everything the same, by doing this it should help her memory. If after a month, she can't remember that exercise is from "3-4 pm", like it has been for the past 30 days, then maybe the issue is more serious than expected.

Things to do: eating, sleeping, cleaning [maybe that could be once a week, instead of daily], taking out the garbage, reading, exercising, grocery shopping [once a week], keeping a daily diary [if she doesn't already], learning something new and becoming better at it [could be arts & crafts, could be sports, politics, economics, etc].. .. Maybe have her do a crossword puzzle [or similar sort of puzzle] every day to help work her brain. The more it is worked, the better memory should become, in theory at least.. Make sure to have everything last close to an hour, so the datebook remains somewhat organized, instead of multiple activities listed for each hour

Oh! You could also have her volunteer somewhere. An animal shelter. A hospital. A library. Etc


She does keep a journal, but the hourly segmented date book is a good idea. Someone had suggested to me online scheduling apps that held the same function that could be downloaded to a phone. We're going to look into that. The memory problem is severe, I do know where it originated, and I hope it is somewhat reversible. These brain activities you suggested will be helpful. This reminded me of lumosity. I'll look into that site and have her add that to her schedule. Thanks for the suggestions.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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