RE: Master abandoned me

Post #: 41

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/7/2014 5:40:08 AM

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AnnaOphelia

quote:

ORIGINAL: HurtandConfused

I can see that you have several thousand posts - you are probably very experienced.

I am not. I am very new to this. BDSM and on-line dating. My last relationship lasted 18 years.

The more posts, the more opinions. Lol. Don't go by post count. There's people here that are amazing and people here who you should probably not interact with, just like everywhere else.

Wot she sed... Plus, it's really the icon that counts:

Ice cream cone = oracle of all things.
Triskelion = well! does it really matter since we've established the all knowing all seeing ice cream cone?

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to AnnaOphelia)

Post #: 42

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/7/2014 1:18:23 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
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Gotta agree with Anna and ET.

Look at MY post count! I think I have (officially, even) the highest post count. But if you actually SCAN my posts, you'll see that the majority of them are lighthearted, goofy things.

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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 43

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/7/2014 3:17:04 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Xnawtyx

Yeah I bet everyone has horror stories ..I know I do..I stripped off on cam to find out a couple of days later the 35 year old guy I thought I was talking to...was a 15 year old kid

Lol....

So my main advice for you now is like I said remain positive and don't let crappy experiences drag you down..

Gotta get this out of the way first.

I don't know what's worse, that or finding out the 35-year-old is really a dirty old man who thinks nothing of chasing after women 40 years younger than he is!
Hold on...

HurtandConfused, allow me to give you some dating advice, since you were out of the loop for 18 years. You may be 40, but your dating clock has reset itself back to when you were in your early 20's.
Remember that you are a woman first. We are women first, then Dominant, switch, or submissive. No matter who the man is, he should treat you like the lady you deserve to be treated as, with courtesy, patience and respect.
I really cannot stress this enough. Always leave them wanting more. Simple formula, but it requires self-control on your part.
You'll also find (or have done so already the hard way) that a man doesn't want a woman who acts easy or not hard to get (in their minds, this is sl-tty). When the time is right and you are in a committed (D/s) relationship, he will want you to be his submissive, not every man's submissive; his sl-t, not any man's sl-t.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Xnawtyx)

Post #: 44

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/7/2014 3:56:19 PM

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

quote:

ORIGINAL: Xnawtyx

Yeah I bet everyone has horror stories ..I know I do..I stripped off on cam to find out a couple of days later the 35 year old guy I thought I was talking to...was a 15 year old kid

Lol....

So my main advice for you now is like I said remain positive and don't let crappy experiences drag you down..

Gotta get this out of the way first.
I don't know what's worse, that or finding out the 35-year-old is really a dirty old man who thinks nothing of chasing after women 40 years younger than he is!
Hold on...

HurtandConfused, allow me to give you some dating advice, since you were out of the loop for 18 years. You may be 40, but your dating clock has reset itself back to when you were in your early 20's.
Remember that you are a woman first. We are women first, then Dominant, switch, or submissive. No matter who the man is, he should treat you like the lady you deserve to be treated as, with courtesy, patience and respect.
I really cannot stress this enough. Always leave them wanting more. Simple formula, but it requires self-control on your part.
You'll also find (or have done so already the hard way) that a man doesn't want a woman who acts easy or not hard to get (in their minds, this is sl-tty). When the time is right and you are in a committed (D/s) relationship, he will want you to be his submissive, not every man's submissive; his sl-t, not any man's sl-t.

Words of wisdom here... Men have to own their pussy, and D's have to own everything attached to it as well.

I am a bit of singularity, I'm not much for hard to get, I understand how short life is and I'm interested in seeing how many facets of connection we have rather than hunt and chase. I move on pretty quickly perceiving "hard to get" as indifference... The last thing I want to be to anyone, especially a potential /s is Mr. Umightdo. It creates complications for me, because I'm very forth coming in my profile so it is very easy to take that information and attempt to run a game on me. My saving grace is I'm pretty happy alone, could be happier in a functional relationship.... Or driving an Ice cream truck in Outer space.

My agenda is pretty clear, and this is the best medium for me to utilize at this point in my life. I'm wicked busy, don't drink, don't do drugs, and detest organized religion. Once things get more settled for me, I'll get active in the community... Doubtfully my local one, I'll most likely impose myself upon LP and MP, I'm a rather charming sponge.

The big advantage you have is you came to a site, the proper side of it even, that has oodles of wisdom and sound advice. So before I blather on for another page, although I'd kinda like to see how many of you actually poke your heads in an oven, I leave you something to ponder: Temet Nosce.

Just sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 45

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/7/2014 4:43:32 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

Words of wisdom here... Men have to own their pussy, and D's have to own everything attached to it as well.

I am a bit of singularity, I'm not much for hard to get, I understand how short life is and I'm interested in seeing how many facets of connection we have rather than hunt and chase. I move on pretty quickly perceiving "hard to get" as indifference...
<snip>
I leave you something to ponder: Temet Nosce.

The thing about you (and Dom DS) is that you are straightforward in your approach, I gather, and forthcoming about being a poly Dom. These married wannabe Doms have a completely different clandestine agenda, which is cyber wanking and getting an NSA piece on the side. Agreeing to be cyber-collared in just a day or so, meeting shortly thereafter (I presume), then engaging in phone sex with a man you barely know is impulsive attachment behavior. In OP's case, it's a blessing in disguise that she didn't get strung along for a long period of time.

With an woman more experienced with men, one who is already cautious or guarded and reserved, I wouldn't give the same advice necessarily. So yes, it is very much a matter of nosce te ipsum. OP's self-esteem needs an uplifting antidote at this point in her life, given the shabby treatment she's received, by a man who will make her feel special and valued; and for this to happen, she will need to feel sought after and pursued.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 46

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/7/2014 5:22:04 PM

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

Words of wisdom here... Men have to own their pussy, and D's have to own everything attached to it as well.

I am a bit of singularity, I'm not much for hard to get, I understand how short life is and I'm interested in seeing how many facets of connection we have rather than hunt and chase. I move on pretty quickly perceiving "hard to get" as indifference...
<snip>
I leave you something to ponder: Temet Nosce.

The thing about you (and Dom DS) is that you are straightforward in your approach, I gather, and forthcoming about being a poly Dom. These married wannabe Doms have a completely different clandestine agenda, which is cyber wanking and getting an NSA piece on the side. Agreeing to be cyber-collared in just a day or so, meeting shortly thereafter (I presume), then engaging in phone sex with a man you barely know is impulsive attachment behavior. In OP's case, it's a blessing in disguise that she didn't get strung along for a long period of time.

With an woman more experienced with men, one who is already cautious or guarded and reserved, I wouldn't give the same advice necessarily. So yes, it is very much a matter of nosce te ipsum. OP's self-esteem needs an uplifting antidote at this point in her life, given the shabby treatment she's received, by a man who will make her feel special and valued; and for this to happen, she will need to feel sought after and pursued.

I agree whole heartedly. Our /boys and /girls need to understand that any D worth their salt is going to put into your dynamic exactly what you bring. If you want to be an inferior worm, they'll accommodate you, if, however, you wish to be a divine creature in their care, you have bring it. You can be the /god /goddess of a D's dream, and they'll happily acknowledge that and treat you accordingly (within the dynamic) as long as you understand we own your ass. If you are not being treated to the standard you deserve, move on, we don't have a shortage of D's, and odds are good if he or she is treating you less than you deserve, their best foot is already forward.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 47

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/7/2014 11:58:34 PM

Bondalee1

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My dear, You say it yourself. "Accepted him as my Dom" almost immediately. bad choice. He also sounds as if he is still married. You knowhaving to get off the phone. How do you 'accept' anyone, Dom or sub before meeting in real time. Next time, wait and watch him walk the walk. "Fools rush in" Don't be a fool. be the wise heart you really are.

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 48

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/8/2014 1:25:30 AM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

Like Bondalee1 above me, I also have an issue with the phrase:

quote:

I quickly accepted him (after abut a day) as my Dom. I suppose something about him really spoke to me.

but probably not for the same reasons.

The consensus of opinion around here seems to be that "submission is a gift".

If that is true, then it sounds like the entire dynamic was bass-ackwards, from the beginning. Perhaps that was the issue?

If submission is a "gift" and you were doing the accepting, who was the dominant and who was the submissive? You can come along and correct me but the fact that you expressed the thought in that way to begin with speaks volumes to me.

Could the guy be married? Sure. However, I think it's just as likely that once his spine was successfully removed, he re-thought the situation.

Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to Bondalee1)

Post #: 49

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/8/2014 6:19:26 AM

FieryOpal

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From: Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bondalee1

My dear, You say it yourself. "Accepted him as my Dom" almost immediately. bad choice. He also sounds as if he is still married. You knowhaving to get off the phone. How do you 'accept' anyone, Dom or sub before meeting in real time. Next time, wait and watch him walk the walk. "Fools rush in" Don't be a fool. be the wise heart you really are.

It sounded from OP's subsequent posts that she may have learned her lesson (albeit the hard way, as mentioned), but it's better that this well-meaning advice comes from another femsub such as yourself.

There's no doubt in my mind that this insta-"Master" is attached and was acting dishonestly. A Dominant without integrity of character is a dangerous man to be entrusting with your life and safety in ways that are exponentially riskier when BDSM enters the picture.

OP, I emphasized taking a more vanilla-ish approach to finding a suitable match for yourself and didn't want you to get turned off by the concept of "old-fashioned dating," but that is precisely what course you should take. Long ago in the past, and with my girlfriends also, whenever I've seen a woman take shortcuts and *give away* her heart, mind & body so freely and without much reservation, it's been a recipe for getting herself hurt. I tend to not cry on people's shoulders, but my shoulders are sopping wet from their tears and anguished sobs. Please proceed with what's tried and true, for your own protection, peace of mind, and to maximize your chances for finding future happiness with a worthy, deserving partner-mate.

A D/s dynamic should be built on a solid foundation of relationship. Ownership is a commitment which takes two to tango. Next time, ask yourself whether the two of you have formed bonds of friendship and genuinely connect on multiple levels. Is this the type of man who would have your back covered if need be? (Be wary, however, of faux *protectors* who step forward as wolves in sheep's clothing.) Are you also trustworthy and reliable to him, and can you both count on one another when push comes to shove? But most of all, step back and take a deep breath to determine whether you are acting out of subfever, whether the Dom is exhibiting Domfever, and either one or both of you is rushing into one another's arms out of neediness. Don't lower your standards for an intimate relationship in the name of D/s or BDSM. If anything, your bar should be set higher.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Bondalee1)

Post #: 50

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/8/2014 7:04:15 AM

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Great sound advice, thank you.

I also believe him to be attached, its too much of a coincidence otherwise. I am now pretty convinced that he is no Dom, he may have picked up bits and pieces but the real deal - don't think so.

Its very difficult for me to describe what actually happened, I certainty wasn't thinking straight. I have denied my submission for many years and my last relationship was 18 years. It also happened almost exactly at the point where my marriage broke up. Its a difficult thing to do, to leave someone that you've known that long. Of course I am in a massive sub frenzy. However, that has been tempered by getting out into the community and playing. I've needed that. And its fine because both parties knew exactly where we stand. Its been a relief actually.

The previous relationship with the wannabe was built on a totally false premise and it has really knocked me. I'm gradually waking up and trying to understand what the actual hell happened. Fundamentally, its been lied to that really hurts.

Fiery gives some good advice but I simply cant agree that I should not act easy. My rule is, what you see is what you get. If you don't like me and my personality then please do jog on. Nor do I like playing hard to get. I don't like playing games, pretending to be someone I'm, not. If they are right for me then it wont matter.

I'm also pretty sure that I dont feel 20 again! I feel all of my 38 years at the moment! Have experienced a lot in that time, I am not that girl any more.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 51

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/8/2014 8:32:26 AM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheRealDuchess

Great sound advice, thank you.

I also believe him to be attached, its too much of a coincidence otherwise. I am now pretty convinced that he is no Dom, he may have picked up bits and pieces but the real deal - don't think so.

Its very difficult for me to describe what actually happened, I certainty wasn't thinking straight. I have denied my submission for many years and my last relationship was 18 years. It also happened almost exactly at the point where my marriage broke up. Its a difficult thing to do, to leave someone that you've known that long. Of course I am in a massive sub frenzy. However, that has been tempered by getting out into the community and playing. I've needed that. And its fine because both parties knew exactly where we stand. Its been a relief actually.

The previous relationship with the wannabe was built on a totally false premise and it has really knocked me. I'm gradually waking up and trying to understand what the actual hell happened. Fundamentally, its been lied to that really hurts.

Fiery gives some good advice but I simply cant agree that I should not act easy. My rule is, what you see is what you get. If you don't like me and my personality then please do jog on. Nor do I like playing hard to get. I don't like playing games, pretending to be someone I'm, not. If they are right for me then it wont matter.

Right on Duchess! You've got the right attitude going. I guess you just needed to vent, get it out of your system, like a cleansing of sorts. What I can tell you with all certainty is that THIS WAS TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY NOT YOUR FAULT. he is the one who messed up, and judging by your overall disposition, honesty and (sorry for perv moment) rocking avatar, he was not even in the hemisphere of deserving you. You're being yourself? You're doing everything right. HE was the problem, not you. Keep doing what you're doing, embrace your womanhood and femininity. There is no right formula to snagging the man, woman, feline, flying spaghetti monster of your dreams. You just have to always, no matter what, to thine own self be true and remember the only person who hasn't failed, hasn't tried. Like I said earlier, it's always hit or miss no matter what antics or approach you use and if you have standards, likely a miss so keep it moving until you find that perfect dynamic. I never thought I would be domming from afar but lo and behold here I am doing it and I love it. He genuinely gets refueled from my happiness and naught more.

quote:

I'm also pretty sure that I dont feel 20 again! I feel all of my 38 years at the moment! Have experienced a lot in that time, I am not that girl any more.

Omg, 20...seems so long ago, who on earth was that girl? I have gone through many transitions from sweet little innocent thing to Lisbeth from Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Age is a funny thing, you embrace it or grow weary from it depending on experience and I have never let fear get in my way of soaking up every bit of life that I can and GOODNESS KNOWS I wouldn't trade my life for being 20 again, lol. Looking back, I wish I had my brain then, then I'd have been TRULY dangerous, LOL. On second thought, maybe it's a good thing I didn't.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to TheRealDuchess)

Post #: 52

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/8/2014 10:52:35 AM

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Ah Goddess. Thank you for the lovely compliment.

Just taking it day by day. Getting easier, only had a little sob today. Just realised, totally outed myself... but who gives a fuck! Not done anything wrong!

Well when I was 20 I was as thin as a rake, nervy, angry, fierce, dominant, still intelligent but really didn't give a flying fuck about anything. I wouldn't want to be that girl again, she had been very hurt. Loved sex but had not a clue what I was doing! Couldn't drive the Ferrari!

I am happy the age I am now. I have children and I finally feel like I'm back to a reasonable facsimile of myself, actually a new and improved version. Gosh its so hard juggling all these different feelings. The frenzy is like an adolescence. If anyone has any tips on that BTW, please feel free!

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 53

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/8/2014 3:15:33 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
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From: Dante's Inferno
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheRealDuchess

Ah Goddess. Thank you for the lovely compliment.

Just taking it day by day. Getting easier, only had a little sob today. Just realised, totally outed myself... but who gives a fuck! Not done anything wrong!

Well when I was 20 I was as thin as a rake, nervy, angry, fierce, dominant, still intelligent but really didn't give a flying fuck about anything. I wouldn't want to be that girl again, she had been very hurt. Loved sex but had not a clue what I was doing! Couldn't drive the Ferrari!

I am happy the age I am now. I have children and I finally feel like I'm back to a reasonable facsimile of myself, actually a new and improved version. Gosh its so hard juggling all these different feelings. The frenzy is like an adolescence. If anyone has any tips on that BTW, please feel free!

I'll be honest, I have dealt with D frenzy. I have always had an extremely high sex drive and my greatest fear was for it to takeover me somehow. Porn only made it worse as did persistent masturbation.
Domming is extremely therapeutic for me and maybe you might want to try your hand at switching. For some reason seeing the physical restraint also helps with my inner restraint, it's like making that restraint and discipline tactile and tangible. It relieves me to no end, but if you solely prefer the power exchange where you are the submissive then I would revert back to getting out in local meetup groups (completely vanilla).
I think the website is meetup.com. Go hiking, ride a jetski, get a visitor pass to a local gym (bring your own hand sanitizer). Just get busy to keep your mind focused on other things than lifestyle. It's good to deflect from that or it can really consume your thoughts. I think a local meetup group is a great way to get out, enjoy nature, get the blood flowing and take a step back from anything lifestyle related. Then when you feel more calm to continue in your search.
I love going to what I call "my lake". I have taken up jetskiing, waterskiing, and tubing out there and it is so exhilarating and it exhausts your muscles and mind enough to completely relax. One of my favorite things to do is to just float along with it once I'm done doing any form of activity, catch my breath and look at the sky. The sunsets there are also pretty spectacular, the way the light reflects off the water. I know the relief may be for a day or two, but then you can go out and have that fun all over again, put all of the excess energy and effort into something vanilla and non lifestyle you love doing and you'll have a clearer mind for it. Have you ever seen that show "True Detective"? I recommend. Matthew McConaughy gives a STELLAR performance.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to TheRealDuchess)

Post #: 54

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/9/2014 5:28:27 AM

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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FR~

Submission is a gift- usually something given has little or no value.

Submission is not a gift, it is plunder- hunted, well fought for, and valued with smug content.

When it comes to submission, we have to relate it to piracy on the high seas. You /sassy wenches are the spice traders and we Pirates are after that spice. Every maneuver you make (like, dislike, want, need) we have to counter to move in to board you. Any cunning and self protective /s can and will open the cannon ports and blast an unwanted Pirate with a broad side and send his rotten ass down to Davy Jones locker. Failing that, you will be boarded, looted, and plundered. Any pirate that manages to get on board isn't going to ask your permission for this or that, they'll take it and do what they wish with you. It's like giving a vampire permission to enter your house, once the Pirate is on deck, you've surrendered all power to him/her.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 55

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/9/2014 5:41:33 PM

Spiritedsub2

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That is the all time best explanation of D/s that I've seen yet!

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Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 56

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/9/2014 6:54:16 PM

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

That is the all time best explanation of D/s that I've seen yet!

Tyvm. It's the only way I can see it, actually.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 57

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/10/2014 12:00:17 AM

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Joined: 8/30/2014
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That's actually fucking brilliant.

And kind of explains what happened in my situation too!

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 58

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/10/2014 11:22:59 PM

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Joined: 8/30/2014
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Another day of ups and down yesterday.

Despite what has happened. I still miss him very much, he really got under my skin. I'm not angry, just want to know what happened.

(in reply to TheRealDuchess)

Post #: 59

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/11/2014 4:41:38 AM

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

You may have hooked a catfish.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to TheRealDuchess)