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ExiledTyrant -> VII (9/17/2014 1:27:41 PM)

What are the seven deadly sins of your D/s dynamic?

Top of my list would be lying. It is absolutely death of a relationship for me. Anyone that is going to lie to me doesn't have enough integrity to be with me, and I would find myself questioning everything about her. I mean, if she can lie to me, what else is she capable of?

I'll come back as I can to add more, but my business is concluded, all arrangements made, I'm no longer tethered to my desk, and I have a shit load of work to do.



InHisHeart -> RE: VII (9/17/2014 1:59:23 PM)

My 7 deadly relationship sins would be for any type of relationship, D/s or vanilla.

1) Dishonesty in any form (cheating, lying, lying by omission, keeping secrets (with the exception of some type of surprise or something on that order)

2) Unable or unwilling to talk openly and honestly about problems in the relationship so we can work together in finding a solution

3) Lack of affection, lack of empathy, not taking my thoughts and feelings into consideration

4) Belittling, degrading, talking down to me

5) Lack of respect for me or my family, especially my two sons and my step-grandson.

6) addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.) and anything illegal

7) Pushing a hard limit. I make my hard limits very clear and that's it, no more talk about it. If I no longer feel it's a hard limit for me, I'll let him know.

There are more but you only asked for 7.



shiftyw -> RE: VII (9/17/2014 2:21:20 PM)

In no particular order:

1) Dishonesty- it breeds distrust- and I am someone who needs to DESPERATELY trust her partner.
2) Poor communication skills/closed off- I will be the first to admit I don't know what you're thinking and I need you to tell me, not just dwell on it while I go about my merry way.
3) Lack of drive- I need to be with someone who aims to be as good as possible at whatever they're passionate about- if you aren't driven, I lose interest fast.
4) Lack of sex- I need it at least 2 times a week- I know its vain and shallow and obviously- if there are health or mental problems or time issues- thats all well and good, but to "just not feel like it" makes me go crazy.
5) Disrespectful- I'm TIGHT with my family. I mean- I put them above everyone- yes sometimes even my partner. I have a really good relationship with them and if you're out to damage that, you're kicked to the curb.
6) Not feeling safewords are necessary- for me they are. If you can't respect that- I won't feel safe with you- and I won't sleep with you.
7) Not showing me you love me- I need to be told. I need to be shown. Not all the time- but I pick up on someone's distance and the second I start to doubt someone's love for me, I bail.



MariaB -> RE: VII (9/17/2014 3:44:01 PM)

My answers are going to be pretty much the same as has already been stated but I have to say, I would never of thought of writing this->
quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

7) Not showing me you love me- I need to be told. I need to be shown. Not all the time- but I pick up on someone's distance and the second I start to doubt someone's love for me, I bail.


and this ^ is probably at the very top of my list. I've never gone for men that believe in the philosophy, 'treat them mean, keep them keen'. The more my man tells me he loves me the happier I feel and the more I want to love him back.



DesFIP -> RE: VII (9/17/2014 7:49:04 PM)

Addiction
Smoking. I'm deathly allergic to cigarette smoke.
Narcissism
Stupidity
Animal hater
People who hit children. It's not good parenting even if your parents did it to you.

Not sure about #7.



thompsonx -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 11:28:04 AM)

No
1.smokers
2.spitters
3.married women
4.no 2 digit iq unless they are smokin' hawt




IrishMist -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 11:40:34 AM)

Lying (some white lies are acceptable)
stealing
cheating
drinking
drugs
acts of aggression towards anyone but myself
outright acts of intimidation towards anyone but myself



littleladybug -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 12:20:24 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Lying (some white lies are acceptable)




Agreed on this. Personally, while I am a believer in "honesty being the best policy" generally, I also believe that "honesty, at the expense of the other person" is not a good way to go either. In my world, one needs to know who they are dealing with and how this "honesty" will affect the other person. For example, there are certain things that I don't tell my father, because I know him well enough to know that he would worry...in spite of what I say to him. Why worry him? But, that's the exception rather than the rule for me. I would much rather have the truth out there and deal with it, than live hiding something. And, I would expect that any person that I was with in a romantic relationship would feel the same way.

Which leads into my next "nope, not gonna do it". Being with an *active* addict, of any sort. Now, being with someone who has had issues in the past and has worked to overcome them? Quite a different story. For me, it is a question of who you are now, versus who you were. I understand, completely, the stigma involved with having had these issues...and, of course, there are people who won't touch it with a 10 foot pole. Personally, I think that's ridiculous, and is just an easy way out. Let's not look at the person, let's look at the prior addiction and cower...

Number 3: Not being appreciative. This is a HUGE thing for me. I am me...submissive...slave...just me. The minute you take me for granted is the time that I think twice about the relationship.

Number 4: Being violent. By that, I mean, lashing out at me, either verbally or physically, because you cannot handle your own feelings. Nope...not going to deal with THAT crap, in any way, shape or form.

There are others...but those are the biggies.



DesFIP -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 2:54:23 PM)

Personally, I don't want a relationship even with someone in recovery. I find there's too much emphasis on their needs, and that they talk the talk but don't walk the walk. It's a lot easier to stop drinking and go to meetings than to actually change your life and lots of people only do those first two things.



smileforme50 -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 4:00:24 PM)

1. Dishonesty -- that's a big one for me. I don't even care if the reason the person isn't telling me the truth is because they don't want to hurt me. I'm a big girl, I've had a lot of bumps and bruises in my life and I would rather someone be brutally honest with me than encourage me to make false assumptions.
But at the same time...I hold myself to the same standard. I discovered in my last vanilla relationship that it didn't do me a damned bit of good to keep my thoughts to myself. That's when I really started being honest with MYSELF.

2.Drugs...My father scared the hell out of me about drugs when I was about 7 years old (he's not a user....he just sat me down and had a serious talk with me). I have never even experimented with 420. I don''t mind a social drinker....but I don't even drink (not much anyway) Along with this goes....

3. Violence.....This goes along with #2 because of the correlation between drugs/alcohol and domestic abuse. I can completely deal with "discipline" in a power exchange relationship, but if he ever does anything when he is drunk or loses his temper....I'll be out of there faster than he can say the word "bitch". Like littleladybug said....it says he can't handle his own feelings.

4. Unemployed and not really looking..... I'm not looking for a sugar daddy...as a matter of fact I HATE the idea of being financially dependent on my partner, but I also do not want to be supporting him on a regular basis.

5. Not having at least a positive connection with his family....they don't have to be the Waltons, but if he hasn't been on speaking terms with his siblings for 10 years....that's just a weird alarm to me that he has problems I'm not seeing.

6. Poor Personal Hygiene....do I really need to elaborate?

7. Hmmmm.....this may fluctuate depending on the situation.




IrishMist -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 4:28:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Personally, I don't want a relationship even with someone in recovery. I find there's too much emphasis on their needs, and that they talk the talk but don't walk the walk. It's a lot easier to stop drinking and go to meetings than to actually change your life and lots of people only do those first two things.

I would have to agree. The personal baggage that comes with recovery is, in my opinion, too great a burden to carry if you are just starting a relationship.

If I was in a relationship and found out the person was doing drugs. Complete deal breaker, no second chances.



littleladybug -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 6:16:47 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Personally, I don't want a relationship even with someone in recovery. I find there's too much emphasis on their needs, and that they talk the talk but don't walk the walk. It's a lot easier to stop drinking and go to meetings than to actually change your life and lots of people only do those first two things.


Good to know. Glad you are in a position to have that perspective on things.



thompsonx -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 6:19:29 PM)

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

If I was in a relationship and found out the person was doing drugs. Complete deal breaker, no second chances.


I cannot and will not live without my daily fix of theobromine.



littleladybug -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 6:20:17 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist


I would have to agree. The personal baggage that comes with recovery is, in my opinion, too great a burden to carry if you are just starting a relationship.


Ok then.



RockaRolla -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 6:23:11 PM)

littleladybug, it sounds like you have something you'd like to add to the discussion.



littleladybug -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 6:43:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla

littleladybug, it sounds like you have something you'd like to add to the discussion.


Tee hee, you think???

Ok, here it goes. I am a recovering addict who is trying to figure out how to broach the subject to my current *x*. Over three years out, and I'm STILL dealing with this bullshit. This "OMG, I would NEVER deal with someone like that". When in reality, if I never told someone...they would never fucking know. Which brings up the issue of being honest. Hmm...

The reality is that what I have to say pales in comparison to what others do. But, somehow, being an "addict" brings all else to a halt. He's got shit he's dealing with now, yet I should feel like shit because he's said he doesn't want to deal with an "addict". That's just crap and a lame excuse.

I'm not saying that he HAS said that, but it's a matter of time. EVERYONE has their baggage. It's just easier at times to point the finger at someone else than look internally.

Perhaps it's just better to keep quiet about this. It's worked for me for 4 months, why not another 4 years?





shiftyw -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 6:55:44 PM)

Ladybug- I dated an addict who eventually lost the battle. I'd still do it again. It takes a good deal of strength to get clean. It takes a lot of courage to come clean about it to your so. Tell him when you're ready. Don't take this stuff personally. There's been like forty threads about how people have a hard time being with people with PTSD or depression or bi polar etc. it's just their choice, and that's just how it is. I'd love for everyone to like big girls, but a lot of people make the choice not to, no skin off my back.



littleladybug -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 7:05:28 PM)

Thank you for your comments, shifty.



TheHeretic -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 8:04:57 PM)

Oh.
My.
God.

Could most of you be any more freaking vanilla???

My deadly D/s dynamic sins:

An s-type gets told what the D-type figures they need to hear. Truth may bear some relationship to that, or none at all. Insisting that I'm always 100% honest is a dealbreaker for me.

Drugs - not sharing is going to be a problem.

Holding back on a safeword when needed. I'm good, but if could I read minds, I'd be making my living playing poker in Vegas.

Physical incompatability. I play rough, and I fuck hard. If you aren't able to handle that, we won't match up well.

Twue-ness.

A 24/7 mindset

An anal retentive fixation on counting the listed sins.



DerangedUnit -> RE: VII (9/18/2014 9:14:13 PM)

oh this sounds hard but i might be able to manage:

1. whining... not good for my health ;)

2. being a pushover. im hard to handle for people that have no sense of self, if they cant stick to what they believe or follow through with actions, well, they can put whatever label on it they feel like but its obvious who is running the show.

3. negativity... if you dont want to do something dont.

4. generally anyone who says they are nice/honest/intelligent/open/dominant/submissive... im a big believer in the dunning kueger effect. if someone has to tell you they are something it most likely is because they cant show it.

5. boxes, bubbles and other confining shapes. people that need everything to be labelled so they can understand it, complexity all ties together. there is no window to truth, it is through actions.

6. the physical side. they have to fuck me a lot and be able to protect me, if they arent in the shape to take care of whats theirs they arent going to keep it.

7. no sense of responsibility. if you have to blame a little girl for your failures thats not a quality i find attractive. though i practically swoon every time a guy says "it was my fault ill take care of it"

ooh i managed 7! though they are pretty similar, i count that as message accomplished.



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