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Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/20/2015 3:48:26 PM   
BecomingV


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Please share your wisdom on this situation. While BDSM is a topic I've discussed with ease with my adult children, it was in the context of them knowing what kind of relationship I was in, not theirs.

One of my adult daughters began seeing a Dom and she showed me his picture. (not from this site) They met at a vanilla gathering. A week later, I saw that he was on my "viewed my profile" list. That makes me uncomfortable.

Normally, I ignore the "who viewed me" list unless someone emails me, which he didn't.

This is a new circumstance for me, so I'm wondering, if you were the daughter in this situation, what would you like your Mom to do? If you were the Mom, what would you do, or have you done?

I am sure I will talk to her about it, but I wanted to toss some ideas around here first about the best approach, timing or other issues I may be unaware of.

Questions floating in my head ...

Is he just curious?
Is he a cheater?
If I mention it to my daughter am I making things weird for them?
If I don't mention it to my daughter am I betraying her trust?

See? Kind of nonproductive thought process going on there, so I'm open to better questions!

Thanks in advance for your input.

ETA - I posted in health and safety because that is what I care about most in this situation. :)






< Message edited by BecomingV -- 1/20/2015 3:50:57 PM >
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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/20/2015 4:40:05 PM   
LiveSpark


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I think he's just curious. No doubt your daughter told him your nic here and he checked you out. If he wanted to cheat with you he would have contacted you.

_____________________________

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TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/20/2015 5:21:23 PM   
BecomingV


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

I think he's just curious. No doubt your daughter told him your nic here and he checked you out. If he wanted to cheat with you he would have contacted you.


Yeah, LOL, I didn't mean cheat with me. I have a fairly strong suspicion he's not into my age group.

I also don't think she'd give out my nic here to anyone. She'd have asked my permission first. Our family is open but we are also very respectful of boundaries.

So, I'm thinking he was just perusing the profiles and doesn't know it is me (the mother of the woman he just started seeing recently).

Maybe I should go check out Resident Sadist's book list thread to see if anyone has written about parenting and BDSM, as it pertains here. I'm at a loss for "etiquette."


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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/20/2015 6:16:11 PM   
LiveSpark


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I honestly think he's just looking at profiles. I honestly wouldn't worry about it.

_____________________________

I've been here as MontrealPhoenix, zephyr and
TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

(in reply to BecomingV)
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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/20/2015 6:33:04 PM   
ExiledTyrant


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I'm going to violate the TOS and deal with the golden wedgie later.


quote:

ORIGINAL: BecomingV

Please share your wisdom on this situation. While Catholicism is a topic I've discussed with ease with my adult children, it was in the context of them knowing what kind of religion I was in, not theirs.




It doesn't matter what the "thing" is, the fact that it was BDSM makes his life a little easier since he is a Dom. However, if he were a Catholic he would've homed in on your Catholicism, had you been a republican, he would've homed in on your politics... it really doesn't matter what X is, because he is just using "your" level of commitment as the metronome to set the tone for his relationship with your daughter.

If he is a sadist and your daughter shows up with bruises you won't be screaming for the police and charges, you'll be asking consent questions. I honestly think you are reading too much into this, but just remember, he is gauging the depth of his potential D/s with your daughter based on what he can learn about you.

Jus sayin

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To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/20/2015 6:52:53 PM   
BecomingV


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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

I'm going to violate the TOS and deal with the golden wedgie later.


quote:

ORIGINAL: BecomingV

Please share your wisdom on this situation. While Catholicism is a topic I've discussed with ease with my adult children, it was in the context of them knowing what kind of religion I was in, not theirs.




It doesn't matter what the "thing" is, the fact that it was BDSM makes his life a little easier since he is a Dom. However, if he were a Catholic he would've homed in on your Catholicism, had you been a republican, he would've homed in on your politics... it really doesn't matter what X is, because he is just using "your" level of commitment as the metronome to set the tone for his relationship with your daughter.

If he is a sadist and your daughter shows up with bruises you won't be screaming for the police and charges, you'll be asking consent questions. I honestly think you are reading too much into this, but just remember, he is gauging the depth of his potential D/s with your daughter based on what he can learn about you.

Jus sayin


I'm assuming the TOS is about you changing my wording in a quote box that has my name, instead of your own name. Um, that was just confusing

The parts I put in bold... I can't see how you came to those conclusions. Can you expand and clarify?

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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/20/2015 7:18:39 PM   
sexyred1


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Why would you ever be discussing BDSM or your relationships with your children?

I would find this whole situation really uncomfortable and crossing boundaries.

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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/20/2015 7:32:22 PM   
DerangedUnit


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I make considerable effort into keeping my relatives away from people I'm with... what would my mother do if she knew his screename... harass him endlessly, call the cops, start stalking him.... my younger siblings (which I raised) would ignore the person and tell me immediately. I know because one of my exes started stalking one of my sisters after I left the state. It's most likely not a big deal in this case, he's checking out the family dynamics. I'd say the best way to bring it up is wait until you next see them both and offer a casual "so what did you think of my profile".... though in similar cases where I've seen bosses view my profile I just quit. Trusting your instincts is usually a best bet.

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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/20/2015 8:25:20 PM   
BecomingV


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Why would you ever be discussing BDSM or your relationships with your children?

I would find this whole situation really uncomfortable and crossing boundaries.


Many reasons, but at the core it's about living honestly and not having a shame-based sexuality.

I frequently repeat, "Do as you will but harm none." I raised my kids that way and they are raising my grandkids that way.

The nature of the discussions with my own kids regarding sexuality and BDSM differ greatly from discussions I have with my peers. I am authoritarian and am not ever going to think of my kids as buddies or as friends.

As a parent, with regard to communication, I always felt it was most important that my kids felt they could tell me anything. When they were little, I worked in theater and there were so many deaths from AIDS. I wanted to be certain that they didn't die of ignorance.

So, to this end, I never punished them for making mistakes or even for deliberately doing something wrong because everybody does both, sometimes. I would go off my head if they lied, though. THAT was the only way to lose my respect and honor had to be restored through painstaking effort. And, it worked.

So, now they are in their thirties and I guarantee you that they would never feel stupid asking a question nor would they judge others as being stupid for asking a question. This opens up the world to them because they are not trained to fear the judgment of others. They don't experience embarrassment, shame or inadequacy when they don't know something.

Why would I have these discussions? Well, all of that ^^^ doesn't happen in a vacuum. It's about walking your talk and creating an environment in which freedom, integrity and understanding can flourish.

I think discomfort is understandable IF something creepy is being discussed. Like something persuasive or graphic or indoctrinating. I have no desire for my kids' sexual lives beyond a wish that they be safe, healthy and happy with their choices. The conversations evolved over the decades.

For instance, we discussed milk streaming from breasts during orgasm because it's good to know these things happen. We talked about hygiene for the uncircumcised. We talked about choking and the risks of unsafe sexual practices. I kept a steady flow of books about sexuality around so that if they were feeling shy, they could go look it up.

There's a difference between "I love anal - so should you." and "Anal sex is practiced by a lot of people, both heterosexual and gay and there are emotional and physical consequences to consider." There's a difference between leaving porn magazines around and letting teens go to Barnes and Noble so they could each choose a book about sexuality.

In my local community, there is one mother and daughter who both scene in clubs, at the same time, but not with each other. That makes a lot of people uncomfortable, including me! Heck, I won't even go to a vanilla club with my kids - because of boundaries.

My current discomfort arises from a mix of confusion and ignorance. I'm in a situation I am unsure about, so where else can I ask? Surely, that mother who scenes around family has nothing of value to offer me and in real-life, she's the only one I know who deals with this. It really isn't a big deal... it's just new to me.

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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/20/2015 8:48:14 PM   
BecomingV


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

I make considerable effort into keeping my relatives away from people I'm with... what would my mother do if she knew his screename... harass him endlessly, call the cops, start stalking him.... my younger siblings (which I raised) would ignore the person and tell me immediately. I know because one of my exes started stalking one of my sisters after I left the state. It's most likely not a big deal in this case, he's checking out the family dynamics. I'd say the best way to bring it up is wait until you next see them both and offer a casual "so what did you think of my profile".... though in similar cases where I've seen bosses view my profile I just quit. Trusting your instincts is usually a best bet.


See, Exiled Tyrant was hinting at the possibility of predator behavior (I think) which IS the fear here. And, you suggest he may just be checking out family dynamics (which is way too strategic for me to have even thought of). Thank you for that. It's exactly why I posted... to be exposed to other people's take on this.

I'm clear about my relationship with my daughter... we will talk about this in the next day or two.... whenever we can next meet in person. I''ll always protect her trust in me. Hopefully, reading replies will help me make that discussion better for both of us.

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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/20/2015 8:48:52 PM   
sexyred1


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Thanks for clarifying. I am extremely close to my parents but would not discuss BDSM and I have no kids.

I cannot really advise other than my gut reaction is to tell your daughter.

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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/20/2015 9:18:07 PM   
BecomingV


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Thanks for clarifying. I am extremely close to my parents but would not discuss BDSM and I have no kids.

I cannot really advise other than my gut reaction is to tell your daughter.


I think most people don't talk about sex, let alone BDSM, with their parents. I made a deliberate choice when they were babies to create an open environment for discussion, so there are no topics which are off limits. Having said that, this is not meant to suggest that we don't also have a sense of privacy or appropriate tone.

A couple of years ago, my son told me that he thought saying you are a submissive sounded like a great excuse for not taking responsibility for yourself. He met someone who had read 50 Shades so it came up. So, that wasn't a talk about sex, rather it was a talk about cultures, language and sexism. I explained submissives to him in much the same way as we would discuss a Geisha - a role unique to a culture. He stuck with his original view on the matter, so my guess is that I won't be on here asking questions about how to deal with bumping into his world. Please note - I did not try to get him to change his view... I simply added more information to what he currently knew.

Your gut reaction is as informative as any other advice... thanks for telling me.

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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/21/2015 1:59:37 AM   
NookieNotes


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~FR~

I'd say bring it up.

"So, I don't want to make waves or whatever, but your guy is on the same site I am, and I saw he was looking at my profile. I'm not sure if he even knows it is mine, so he may have been curious, looking me up specifically, or just browsing. In any case, I thought you might like to know."

Or something like that. Allow her to dig further, if she wants.

With my friends, when I have a situation like this, I say:

"So, I saw something about ____ that made me a bit uncomfortable. Would you like to know what it is, or shall I let it lie?"

They have learned that these are those types of situations where it's not clear-cut, and they make their decisions accordingly.

_____________________________

Nookie
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https://datingkinky.com

I Write! A few of my books on Amazon: http://amazon.com/author/msnnotes

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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/21/2015 2:10:19 AM   
epiphiny43


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HOW would he know your profile is that of the mother of a/the woman he's seeing? She wouldn't tell him your name here, right?
Most profiles I check are to get back story on a thread comment, not browse for hookups. Some chosen names just beg to be investigated? Just to learn a profiles age/orientation, you have to open it all here, unlike sites where names have ages and roles of choice attached?

< Message edited by epiphiny43 -- 1/21/2015 2:13:28 AM >

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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/21/2015 2:51:07 AM   
BecomingV


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ORIGINAL: epiphiny43

HOW would he know your profile is that of the mother of a/the woman he's seeing? She wouldn't tell him your name here, right?

I don't know for certain, but I am thinking that ^^^ way.

Most profiles I check are to get back story on a thread comment, not browse for hookups. Some chosen names just beg to be investigated? Just to learn a profiles age/orientation, you have to open it all here, unlike sites where names have ages and roles of choice attached?

Same here. I'm not a profile browser, either. Right, and I don't mean to make a mountain out of a molehill. This just got me thinking about the future, about living in the same city with an adult daughter who is "fishing in the same pond" for lack of a better phrase. I seriously never considered this possibility before now and I have some thinking to do. That got me no where useful and I realized I should just ask here and see if others dealt with this.

Thanks for your input. Every new perspective helps broaden my mind here. I don't start threads often, but when I have, I've been very happy that I did because of the great diversity of thought that is given.



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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/21/2015 3:07:06 AM   
BecomingV


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes

~FR~

I'd say bring it up.

"So, I don't want to make waves or whatever, but your guy is on the same site I am, and I saw he was looking at my profile. I'm not sure if he even knows it is mine, so he may have been curious, looking me up specifically, or just browsing. In any case, I thought you might like to know."

Or something like that. Allow her to dig further, if she wants.


I like how you worded that! You've organized my sentiments and delivered them in a palatable package. You're kind of like a Cyrano. Thank you, Nookie!

quote:

With my friends, when I have a situation like this, I say:

"So, I saw something about ____ that made me a bit uncomfortable. Would you like to know what it is, or shall I let it lie?"

They have learned that these are those types of situations where it's not clear-cut, and they make their decisions accordingly.


It's the same with me and my friends.

(in reply to NookieNotes)
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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/21/2015 6:12:07 AM   
NookieNotes


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quote:

ORIGINAL: BecomingV


quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes

~FR~

I'd say bring it up.

"So, I don't want to make waves or whatever, but your guy is on the same site I am, and I saw he was looking at my profile. I'm not sure if he even knows it is mine, so he may have been curious, looking me up specifically, or just browsing. In any case, I thought you might like to know."

Or something like that. Allow her to dig further, if she wants.


I like how you worded that! You've organized my sentiments and delivered them in a palatable package. You're kind of like a Cyrano. Thank you, Nookie!


Anytime!


_____________________________

Nookie
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I Write! A few of my books on Amazon: http://amazon.com/author/msnnotes

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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/27/2015 2:58:27 PM   
BecomingV


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Thanks, Everyone!

Update...

We talked. She had not told him I am on this site. They are not exclusive and they are happy and being safe. Her judgment has always been mature and sound.

I chose to hide my profile. I'm not looking and that takes care of any future awkwardness or vulnerability in privacy.

All is well.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes


quote:

ORIGINAL: BecomingV


quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes

~FR~

I'd say bring it up.

"So, I don't want to make waves or whatever, but your guy is on the same site I am, and I saw he was looking at my profile. I'm not sure if he even knows it is mine, so he may have been curious, looking me up specifically, or just browsing. In any case, I thought you might like to know."

Or something like that. Allow her to dig further, if she wants.


I like how you worded that! You've organized my sentiments and delivered them in a palatable package. You're kind of like a Cyrano. Thank you, Nookie!


Anytime!


(in reply to NookieNotes)
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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 1/28/2015 4:36:03 AM   
NookieNotes


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So happy that it went smoothly.

*smiles*

_____________________________

Nookie
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I Write! A few of my books on Amazon: http://amazon.com/author/msnnotes

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RE: Need Help Brainstorming, Please :) - 2/11/2015 12:34:17 PM   
Delilya


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My daughter and I are both on this site. We have had the same men contact us. When we explain that we are mother and daughter it usually results in them getting all excited thinking their fantasies are fixing to be fulfilled. No, not happening. We belong to different local groups, play in different places. She does come to me for advice. Like you, my children were taught they could talk to me about anything. And do. I'd rather they get facts from me, than misinformation from others.

As for the subject coming up in the first place between her and I? Well, she was here opening an account and came across my profile.






_____________________________

“Love me without fear, trust me without questioning, need me without demanding, want me without restrictions, accept me without changes, desire me without inhibitions"-Dick Sutphen

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