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RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 8:59:21 AM   
TransFat


Posts: 20
Joined: 4/12/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

I just have issue with the assumption of power exchange, just as Transfat doesn't like the assumption of sexuality in kink. But I wouldn't phrase things as "adding x is fine" because it implies that the whole of my kink isn't whole, and rather something to be tacked on.

Either way, sorry for jumping the gun, but I still am weary of folks who might be up on their high service only or power exchange purity horses- clearly TransFat you aren't, apologies.


No harm done to me. In fact you probably did more harm to yourself and the community than myself so it would be silly to decline your apology, so I won't. Have a good one.

(in reply to shiftyw)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 9:12:29 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TransFat


quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

I just have issue with the assumption of power exchange, just as Transfat doesn't like the assumption of sexuality in kink. But I wouldn't phrase things as "adding x is fine" because it implies that the whole of my kink isn't whole, and rather something to be tacked on.

Either way, sorry for jumping the gun, but I still am weary of folks who might be up on their high service only or power exchange purity horses- clearly TransFat you aren't, apologies.


No harm done to me. In fact you probably did more harm to yourself and the community than myself so it would be silly to decline your apology, so I won't. Have a good one.


In what way?

Considering she isn't the mascot of all things kinky or the spokesperson for the kinky world, in what way did she harm herself or the community?

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to TransFat)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 9:19:05 AM   
TransFat


Posts: 20
Joined: 4/12/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


quote:

ORIGINAL: TransFat


quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

I just have issue with the assumption of power exchange, just as Transfat doesn't like the assumption of sexuality in kink. But I wouldn't phrase things as "adding x is fine" because it implies that the whole of my kink isn't whole, and rather something to be tacked on.

Either way, sorry for jumping the gun, but I still am weary of folks who might be up on their high service only or power exchange purity horses- clearly TransFat you aren't, apologies.


No harm done to me. In fact you probably did more harm to yourself and the community than myself so it would be silly to decline your apology, so I won't. Have a good one.


In what way?

Considering she isn't the mascot of all things kinky or the spokesperson for the kinky world, in what way did she harm herself or the community?



Sorry about that, I would of been more clear about it but I didn't want to come off as a bitch. Basically they likely made themselves look combative which makes themselves look worse as well as the community as a whole... And honestly I've gotten so much flak from simple posts on here since I joined I'm not surprised the most active people seem to be in some sort of clique... Feels like junior high all over again to be honest.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 9:31:05 AM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		It's all good, I am combative. But in this instant, not worth it, and obviously what I was trying to explain isn't clear.

Essentially "I take my sex with a side of kink, rather than the other way around, please stop acting like that isn't a legit reason to be here" is what I was getting at.

I think though, we are basically in agreement, despite our differences of wording. I stood down, I'm not in a clique, please don't start that discussion again. It is tired, and if there is a clique I never get the newsletter. I promise my argument was simply because I disagree with your phrasing.

Back to the thread.

I thought that it was a great article and the fact it was on buzzfeed even better.

(in reply to TransFat)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 9:32:59 AM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TransFat

No harm done to me. In fact you probably did more harm to yourself and the community than myself so it would be silly to decline your apology, so I won't. Have a good one.



A quick search of your posting history turned up two instances where a misunderstanding ensued based on the limitations of text and the fact that intent is difficult to convey in such a medium. Interestingly enough, both instances ended up with an apology from those folks directly to you.

That you felt attacked is unfortunate. That folks apologized to you is not a bad thing. Perhaps... and this is simply a suggestion, perhaps you can find it within yourself to not condemn an entire community based on those things. It isn't often people can admit they were wrong and say they are sorry, when it happens, especially on the Internet, it is usually a good idea to see that as positive.

As far as your post was concerned on this thread, the only thing I would disagree with is the following line:

quote:

I love that it points out that BDSM isn't inherently sexual in nature. Seems like just about everyone, new or experienced fail to understand this.


I disagree that "experienced" people fail to understand that BDSM or any form of it does not have to include sex, I think they know that for the most part, because of the variety of dynamics involved. Some folks have sex involved all of the time, others some of the time, and a few, never... at least, this is what I have been able to glean from the forums I read. Most folks understand the diversity of how BDSM and what they like and do not like apply to them, and can accept that it does not apply to others. There are a few "One Twe Wayer's" out there, and you couldn't convince them with a baseball bat of that fact.

I would say, that a good deal of new people don't know how much diversity there really is. I certainly did not know fuckall about BDSM which is why I got involved in forums and read everything I could. When I found out how many variations on a common theme there were, I was pleasantly surprised because it meant that I didn't have to do everything that was listed on a checklist, it meant that I could take what I liked and leave the rest. Some new people don't understand it in those terms.


Edited because grammar fail.


< Message edited by Gauge -- 2/26/2015 9:35:54 AM >

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to TransFat)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 9:36:59 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		Appearances are deceiving. Many of us are good friends, but can/will call each other on bull shit in a heart beat.

The diversity of WIITWD is simply diverse, with no one true way, and it is very difficult to find two people whose dynamics are in flux... even when and especially when entering into a relationship, the rough edges have to be polished away in the hopes of a dynamic achieving, at the very least, ebb and flow rather than waves and rocks to crash upon. So when it appears to be a "pigeon hole" thread people react.

What shifty did was secure her dynamic and her role within it. There was no faux pas, as you imply, and you will more than likely see many many more posts where people are stating their individuality beyond any blanket conformity.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to TransFat)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 9:46:50 AM   
TransFat


Posts: 20
Joined: 4/12/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant
What shifty did was secure her dynamic and her role within it. There was no faux pas, as you imply, and you will more than likely see many many more posts where people are stating their individuality beyond any blanket conformity.


That's the thing... My initial comment about the article was that I was glad they were showing that BDSM isn't inherently sexual; they were showing that we're not all the same... Which is part of why I'm so bewildered that some folks are attempting to use individual aspects of themselves in some attempt to combat my comment about how it's good that their existence is being recognized in the first place.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 10:01:11 AM   
ChrchofDrk


Posts: 304
Joined: 7/24/2013
Status: offline 		For some it is inherently sexual. For some it's not. In truth BDSM isn't inherently anything except perhaps different to the norm

(in reply to TransFat)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 10:01:31 AM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		The word inherently is what bothered me. MY kinks essential character is the sexuality.

(in reply to TransFat)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 10:10:58 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		We are in a written medium here that really doesn't have a good code book for presentation. What we do try and avoid is speculative statistics. You made a statement:

quote:

I love that it points out that BDSM isn't inherently sexual in nature. Seems like just about everyone, new or experienced fail to understand this.


You could've minimized the "offense" by saying, "it has been my experience..." again, presentation is everything, which is why I am a super villain, super heros have suck presentation.

I have a a statement that my mother thinks is the gospel, which I will present in two ways here:

quote:

Original Epstein's Mom

Bald men are very easy to control through sex, they do what I want when I want.


Yep, hardcore offensive, but that is what she believes. If I deliver it another way, it leaves a great deal of latitude for debate and discussion:

quote:

Original Epstein's Mom

All the bald men I've been with have been easy to control through sex, they tend to do what I want when I want it.


In WIITWD we have to rely on our own POV... and my PHD in spankology as soon as Master Richard sends it... because this is very intimate and personal stuff that varies from dynamic to dynamic, so people tend to covet, cosset, and guard, jealously, WIITT(they)D.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to TransFat)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 10:13:55 AM   
TransFat


Posts: 20
Joined: 4/12/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChrchofDrk

For some it is inherently sexual. For some it's not. In truth BDSM isn't inherently anything except perhaps different to the norm


BDSM is inherently non-sexual. It's only sexualized when we make it so. Water is inherent in all life, just because some people like to drink water and some don't doesn't change that fact... So why does that notion of some people ONLY employing BDSM in a sexual nature change the fact that it's inherently non-sexual? It doesn't, and nor is it bad, or wrong to sexualize BDSM in the first place.

Folks who think that BDSM is inherently sexual are only thinking of their own experiences; they're trying to shove their own shoes on everyone else's foot.

(in reply to ChrchofDrk)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 10:18:10 AM   
TransFat


Posts: 20
Joined: 4/12/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

We are in a written medium here that really doesn't have a good code book for presentation. What we do try and avoid is speculative statistics. You made a statement:

quote:

I love that it points out that BDSM isn't inherently sexual in nature. Seems like just about everyone, new or experienced fail to understand this.


You could've minimized the "offense" by saying, "it has been my experience..."


"Seems like just about everyone" is basically "It has been in my experience/I've noticed over time/etc"

The offense could of been minimized if certain folks thought before feeling/typing and didn't search for offence where there was none.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 10:24:59 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TransFat


quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

We are in a written medium here that really doesn't have a good code book for presentation. What we do try and avoid is speculative statistics. You made a statement:

quote:

I love that it points out that BDSM isn't inherently sexual in nature. Seems like just about everyone, new or experienced fail to understand this.


You could've minimized the "offense" by saying, "it has been my experience..."


"Seems like just about everyone" is basically "It has been in my experience/I've noticed over time/etc"

The offense could of been minimized if certain folks thought before feeling/typing and didn't search for offence where there was none.



Whelp, best of luck to ya.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to TransFat)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 10:29:50 AM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		I'm not going to keep arguing...

I do want to clear the air though:

I don't know one person on this board who is bedroom only like me- and plenty of them have dynamics I respect, love, and embrace. I have always been open to your view of what is inherent and important in your dynamics. There are a few kinks I do view as wrong- but non sexual BDSM relationships are certainly NOT on that list.

My posting history should pretty much stand for itself with that. I just think what is "inherent" in the instance of BDSM is subjective.

ETA- doing this from a phone is also contributing to the "short sounding" nature of my posts, and certainly the poor grammar and spelling.

< Message edited by shiftyw -- 2/26/2015 10:30:51 AM >

(in reply to TransFat)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 7:52:25 PM   
tiggerspoohbear


Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline 		Just an FYI here, inherently and sex weren't in the same point. What it actually said was

"There is nothing inherently wrong or damaged with people involved in BDSM".

If it's going to be accurate. I'm not trying to start or re-start anything, I'm stating a fact. Look it up if you feel the need, this is my only post on this thread.

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".


(in reply to shiftyw)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 8:04:55 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		Not on the article, in Trans' post and phrasing.

(in reply to tiggerspoohbear)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 8:12:49 PM   
worth0


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/8/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TransFat


quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

You said "you can add sexual stuff to it"

In my case we would be "adding power exchange to our kinky sex"

That type of language is implying my strictly sexual kink is something wrong.

I know its not just about sex, and rather than imply that I'm doing it wrong you could've said "for some folks it is just sexual, for others it is isnt sexual at all"


I think you're either failing to understand what I'm saying or you're looking for something to take offence to. Let's take power exchange for example as it seems to be relevant to you. What is inherently sexual about exchanging power? What is sexual about the act or the idea? Just like bondage, pet play, wrestling, etc there is not inherent sexual aspect to it. Nowhere did I say that someone couldn't add a sexual component to it/get something sexual out of it, nor did I say anywhere that it was wrong to do so.

So please call of your hounds, they won't find anything because there was nothing to chase in the first place.


I understood what you were saying. There is always someone in these forums wanting to take offence for the sake of taking offence.

(in reply to TransFat)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 9:54:16 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TransFat


quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant
What shifty did was secure her dynamic and her role within it. There was no faux pas, as you imply, and you will more than likely see many many more posts where people are stating their individuality beyond any blanket conformity.


That's the thing... My initial comment about the article was that I was glad they were showing that BDSM isn't inherently sexual; they were showing that we're not all the same... Which is part of why I'm so bewildered that some folks are attempting to use individual aspects of themselves in some attempt to combat my comment about how it's good that their existence is being recognized in the first place.


Stating an opinion different than yours or some article, is not combative.

That's the purpose of a discussion board.

Asking for clarification or stating a different mindset does not make a clique and it shows insecurity to view it that way.

(in reply to TransFat)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/26/2015 9:58:56 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TransFat


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChrchofDrk

For some it is inherently sexual. For some it's not. In truth BDSM isn't inherently anything except perhaps different to the norm


BDSM is inherently non-sexual. It's only sexualized when we make it so. Water is inherent in all life, just because some people like to drink water and some don't doesn't change that fact... So why does that notion of some people ONLY employing BDSM in a sexual nature change the fact that it's inherently non-sexual? It doesn't, and nor is it bad, or wrong to sexualize BDSM in the first place.

Folks who think that BDSM is inherently sexual are only thinking of their own experiences; they're trying to shove their own shoes on everyone else's foot.


You are making a generalization that BDSM is inherently non-sexual, thus you are only thinking of your own experiences; you are trying to shove your own shoes on everyone else's foot.

See how that works?

(in reply to TransFat)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: 25 things everyone should know about BDSM - 2/27/2015 7:39:44 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The basis for much of my relationship is inherently sexual. The fact that we have a power relationship doesn't change that.

Is him saying I should do laundry something that is guaranteed to get me all hot and bothered? No. But many other, nonsexual orders, can do that for me. The fact that it doesn't do that for Trans doesn't mean their experience is universal for everyone else.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 40
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