Would this be considered abuse?

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

Would this be considered abuse?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Would this be considered abuse?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Would this be considered abuse? - 2/25/2015 4:50:01 PM

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/10/2015
Status: offline

Hi, I am kinda new to the lifestyle, I met a dom in person and spent the night with him on our second time in person.
I have a few mental issues, like bulimia for one.
He told me to never purge again, but I have done that since i was 10.
Kinda hard to stop immediately.
He told me to not hide anything from him. That he cared about me.
I gave in and purged one day. I admitted it to him.
Then he decides to never take my phone calls and only texts.
Saying he was going to decide if we should continue. In other words threatening to abandon me like he promised he wouldn't.
He left me hanging, my anxiety so bad for two days to where I was in physical pain.
He always claimed to be busy. In all hours of the day. He would call me by my pet name that he gave me.
Then he would say he was still deciding if we should continue.
I cut it off with him today, telling him I couldn't let him do that to me any longer.

I was told by one experienced dom that this is considered abuse.
Any other opinions?
Thanks

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/25/2015 4:53:01 PM

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

Well... what was the terms of your dynamic?

If disobeying is sayonara, then it's sayonara.

Is this mostly long distance?

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to littlebri23)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/25/2015 5:05:21 PM

Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline

In my relationship, yes, it would be emotional abuse. However, I hope you don't think that the right dominant will fix these issues for you. I hope you're getting help, and wish you the best of luck. I know first hand how rough it can be.

_____________________________

"We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. Beautiful in the concept, if we're lucky, but frequently tedious or regrettable as we flesh ourselves out."
— Gregory Maguire

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/25/2015 5:13:15 PM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

It doesn't matter whether it's abuse or not. It doesn't work for you, and you decided to end things. Basically, you and he were not on the same page. Calling it abuse kinda lays the fault at his feet when I would chalk this one to incompatibility.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to caelestis)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/25/2015 5:19:14 PM

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

It doesn't matter whether it's abuse or not. It doesn't work for you, and you decided to end things. Basically, you and he were not on the same page. Calling it abuse kinda lays the fault at his feet when I would chalk this one to incompatibility.

^ THIS. If you consented- and didn't withdraw consent- then to me it isn't abuse- just a poor match.

I hope you find some help for whatever you need to. And best of luck with the next Dom. <3

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/25/2015 5:39:34 PM

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/10/2015
Status: offline

Ok.
No I fix my own problems. Help is welcome but I am way too independent for that. Only I can fix my issues.

And yes I ended it. But him knowing what's "wrong" with me and what I'm afraid of and using it to his advantage so he can mess with my head Should probably be considered emotional abuse.
In my opinion. I just wanted some opinions from people more experienced in this lifestyle.

(in reply to shiftyw)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/25/2015 5:56:48 PM

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebri23

Ok.
No I fix my own problems. Help is welcome but I am way too independent for that. Only I can fix my issues.

And yes I ended it. But him knowing what's "wrong" with me and what I'm afraid of and using it to his advantage so he can mess with my head Should probably be considered emotional abuse.
In my opinion. I just wanted some opinions from people more experienced in this lifestyle.

You don't need others to verify it for you.
If you felt it was abusive, then it was abusive.

_____________________________

(in reply to littlebri23)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/25/2015 6:16:34 PM

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

^^^ This times two

What we think doesn't matter. All that matters is how you see it

(in reply to petitespot)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/25/2015 7:08:26 PM

Posts: 12
Joined: 1/31/2015
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebri23Hi, I am kinda new to the lifestyle,

Everyone is new at one time.

Asking questions is a growing/learning opportunity.

I have no idea what was discussed and not discussed prior to you and he getting together.

From your post, I agree with many here, if you think it's abuse, it's abuse.

If you want to continue in a D/s or M/s relationship, best to get all issues out up front and discuss at length until you both agree on how to deal with them.

Careful not to 'cry wolf', about things that should have been discussed previously.

(in reply to littlebri23)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/25/2015 8:56:11 PM

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline

The lifestyle really means boo shit here, m'dear.

If you have a mental issue, before you even take it to the level of how you deal with it where others are involved, how you do deal with it for yourself? What are you doing for you? Before you even start to worry or wonder how other people will react, think about what you need to do for yourself and then do it. Once you are handling it for yourself, then sure, let others share opinions. Only you can give those opinions weight.

No, I wouldn't call this abuse of him over you. I would call this a management issue that you should look within yourself to measure. What you can do for yourself should come first. What others think can be second. And what you let yourself think about what they say...well, now, that's another story altogether. But that's management too, managing how you let yourself interpret other people's reactions.

If you can do right by yourself, and can allow yourself to ignore or let go of things that impede your goal, then frankly, you're fine and the rest is quite moot.

(I'm not anything close to an expert here, I've known only a few purgers...but where mental illness is concerned, I have an autistic child, an ex with BPD, another ex with PTSD, and a list of friends with neuroses to choke a horse. In every case, I would say the same thing - I'm not qualified, I'm not a practicing psychologist, but if you want a few words to consider for yourself and your well being then yes, no matter what your mental illness is...do what you need to for yourself to cope, and let the opinions of others take a back seat to your road to health. Period.)

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to oldspankster)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/25/2015 10:12:01 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebri23

Ok.
No I fix my own problems. Help is welcome but I am way too independent for that. Only I can fix my issues.

I am not going to address the abuse issue because others have done nicely with it.

What I will address is what you said above. Being independent has zero to do with seeking help for yourself. Of course only you can fix your problems, but obviously that has not worked all that well because you continue your behavior. I've dealt with mental illness all of my life and I am very independent, however, I needed help to learn how to deal with my illness. Professionals for the most part, know what they are doing and if your strategies have not worked, it might be time to try new ones from someone who knows how to address your particular problem. Ultimately it is you that must do the work to help yourself, but if you have no clue how to do that, and want to stop, then seeking someone out to help you is not an admission of defeat, it is an admission that you are strong enough to face your problem.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to littlebri23)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/25/2015 10:35:30 PM

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

Like it or not, relationships are often negotiations and people forget to finish sentences, when they're just chit-chatting away.

A couple of things stuck out for me:

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebri23
I gave in and purged one day. I admitted it to him.
Then he decides to never take my phone calls and only texts.
Saying he was going to decide if we should continue. In other words threatening to abandon me like he promised he wouldn't.

I'm assuming (and I know that may be wrong) that you also promised him you wouldn't purge?

If my surmise is correct, it goes to my initial point: probably what he meant to say was: "If you do what I ask you to do and don't do things that are bad for you, I'll never abandon you"

People forget to finish sentences ...

"I'll love you forever ... (as long as you don't have sex with anyone else)"

"I will never hurt you ... (intentionally)"

"I'll never lie to you ... (unless, in my judgment, I'm 'sparing your feelings')"

Unfortunately, it happens all the time.

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to Gauge)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/26/2015 7:52:19 AM

Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline

I don't see it as abuse, not intentional abuse anyway. It seems more like a misguided notion on his part that he could use his role in an M/s relationship to simply decree a solution to your "mental issues".

Then it sounds like when he realized that failed, and that you were committed to these self destructive behaviors, he decided to jump ship.

So he was possibly well intentioned, but certainly overly self absorbed. The end of it is probably for the best, as that kind of personality doesn't sound like it would contribute positively to your life problems.

Of course... you must understand what you want from this kind of relationship as well, and understand what is possible. When he told you not to purge, it doesn't sound like you explained to him that it doesn't work like that. Perhaps you wanted to believe along with him that the M/s dynamic might solve your problem? If so, you both may have played a part in going down an unrealistic road.

< Message edited by Bhruic -- 2/26/2015 7:57:53 AM >

_____________________________

pronounced "VROOick"

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/26/2015 8:04:47 AM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebri23

Ok.
No I fix my own problems. Help is welcome but I am way too independent for that. Only I can fix my issues.

And yes I ended it. But him knowing what's "wrong" with me and what I'm afraid of and using it to his advantage so he can mess with my head Should probably be considered emotional abuse.
In my opinion. I just wanted some opinions from people more experienced in this lifestyle.

If I were your Dom, I would have tried to work with you to address your issues. If he used it for this purpose, his intentions may have been fine. If indeed you know that he was preying upon a weakness, then it could have been abusive, but I'm not sure how you would ascertain his intent.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to littlebri23)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/26/2015 8:47:11 AM

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

No I don't think it was abuse. You agreed to his instruction and then you broke it, so he reacted against you. You say that it is hard to stop bulimia and I believe you, so why did you agree to his instruction in the first place? Lesson learned, never agree to anything that you are not willing and able to do.

(in reply to littlebri23)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/26/2015 9:40:02 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/10/2011
From: Chillicothe Mo
Status: offline

This was not physical abuse nor was it really mental abuse . It was stupidity on the part of the dom because he has no clue what to do . The problem you have is not something that can be cured just by telling you to stop and the punishment he did will never work . Your situation requires a live in situation to make any marked progress . I personaly get fed up with these so called domes and masters that have no clue or even understand the mental aspects of this . I've been doing this more years then most here and I do understand it

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/26/2015 2:11:22 PM

Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: caelestis
However, I hope you don't think that the right dominant will fix these issues for you. I hope you're getting help, and wish you the best of luck.

I'll second that.

(in reply to caelestis)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/26/2015 3:16:37 PM

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebri23

Any other opinions?

You had your order and you disobeyed it on purpose.

Dismissed. That's quite common.

I'd have been very clear on that and if he wasn't then you will have a learned lesson to take into your next relationship. Get clarity.

MMV

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to littlebri23)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/26/2015 3:48:06 PM

Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebri23
I just wanted some opinions from people more experienced in this lifestyle.

So the problem with.....ok strike that....one of the many problems with getting advise from strangers on the internet is that we know very little about what happened. We're guessing based on stereotypes from the few details given.

So if you don't like what you're hearing *shrug* I wouldn't worry about it.

(in reply to littlebri23)

RE: Would this be considered abuse? - 2/27/2015 7:51:57 AM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You asked the wrong question.

The right one to ask is if this is something you can accept in a relationship or not.

As far as assuming you can cure symptoms of mental illness with an order goes, he's an idiot. Do you really want to associate with someone who thinks he can order you not to be sick? Does he believe that if you had cancer and he ordered you to magically go into remission, that you should be punished for not doing that?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to GotSteel)

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Would this be considered abuse?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.203