RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Health and Safety >> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 7/28/2006 4:06:45 PM

ICGsteve

Posts: 202
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline

The difference is that those who hold to "sexual addiction" as a valid diagnosis by definition believe that those people referred to are in need of fixing. I am saying that these so long as these people are following their natures, doing what they feel that they need to do for themselves, then who the hell or these people who insist that they are broken and need fixing? Those who go outside the norms are not in my opinion in need of being reformed or fixed so that they will conform to norms. We throw the word addiction around like weapon against those who do stuff we don't like, but that does not mean that the aggressors are right to do so. I'll point out that given the def of addiction supplied above one could say that I am addicted to breathing, but of course that is just silly. My point is that telling people that they are addicted to sex is pretty silly as well.

(in reply to shigglyboom)

Post #: 21

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 7/28/2006 4:09:30 PM

Sdarcy

Posts: 31
Joined: 9/1/2005
Status: offline

First, let me say that Aurora is certainly not nuts and has posted some very valuable and pertinent information. Sexual addiction is worlds away from a high sex drive; the sex addict isn't really concerned with sex per se. S/he is looking for something that will make them feel better, perhaps connected to someone in some way, perhaps disconnected from everything for a moment in time but it's not about sex at all. In the same way that someone who's not an alcoholic can't understand alcoholic drinking, people who have neither been nor known a sex addict can't understand how all encompassing this can be.

I've been a sex worker for many years, a prodomme for fifteen, and I have degrees in psychology. There have been a few instances when I stopped seeing a client because his actions were becoming unbalanced; I'm currently dealing with someone now whose sex addiction has almost cost him his marriage, home and family and whose unfortunate penchant for financial abuse dommes has caused no end of complications. And I had to smile at the description of the porn addict who'd rather watch Internet cuties than deal with a real life lover - I dealt with the same problem with an ex-lover. If you think it's insulting to be turned down in favor of a perfect little Internet image - it's even worse when you *are* one of those images!

It's not a common addiction, but it is a valid concept nonetheless, and far more painful for those involved than it would appear on the surface.

Regards,

Ms. Susanne D'Arcy

(in reply to shigglyboom)

Post #: 22

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 7/28/2006 4:27:12 PM

ICGsteve

Posts: 202
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline

"S/he is looking for something that will make them feel better, perhaps connected to someone in some way, perhaps disconnected from everything for a moment in time but it's not about sex at all." Aren't we all looking for stuff that makes us feel better, and if that better feeling comes from being sexual so what? If it was not about being too sexual then this disorder would have a different name,one that attempted to name what kind of sexuallity is the problem rather than one that infers that all of sex is a problem, maybe "antisocial sexuality". So please, don't try to claim that this diagnosis is not at least in part powered by a general aversion to hyper sexuality, when it cleary is.

Think about this for a moment; if we conform to the "sex addict" diagnosis then what will be next? Maybe adrenalin junkies being forced into treatment for their disorder?? It is time to stop the insanity.

< Message edited by ICGsteve -- 7/28/2006 4:32:31 PM >

(in reply to Sdarcy)

Post #: 23

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 7/28/2006 5:53:24 PM

slaveaurora

Posts: 157
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline

How do you define an alcoholic?    I could in fact say that someone who has a glass of wine every night, or a can of beer is an alcoholic.    I could also say that because you are here everyday responding to this thread, that you are addicted to the computer, or to this chat forum.

The truth is that someone can have a glass of wine or beer every night and not be an alcoholic, yet the person next door can do the exact same thing, and he IS an alcoholic.
Why do you think an alcoholic drinks alcohol?    Do you think it is because it tastes good?
That is part it of course, but the main reason is because he wants to get drunk, to escape reality, to get that high if you will.

I don't think you will ever understand sexual addiction unless you have been there, or perhaps you ARE there, and in denial.     I don't know, but if your not willing to read up on the subject, then I will stop beating my head against the wall trying to make you understand.
It is pretty obvious that your not even willing to try to comprehend it, or it is possible that your enjoying the banter.

I don't know which, but I do know that I am right and I know what I am talking about.   You can believe me or not, doesn't matter to me.
ta ta,
~aurora~

(in reply to ICGsteve)

Post #: 24

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 7/28/2006 7:44:19 PM

WhiplashGirlChld

Posts: 78
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Those who accept "sexual addiction" have alreadys tarted down the slippery slope.

Until you have met a person driven out into the night to seek risky unsatisfying encounters again and again and again, a person who cannot control their sexual appetites at work or in inappropriate settings, a person who will bankrupt the family obsessivley looking at porn, going to massage parlors, seeing prositutes, having repeated empty encounters with people they hardly know, a person who is trying to solve problems using sex that just cannot be solved that way, you cannot say sex addiction doesn't exist. When the therapeutic community speaks of sex addicts, they are not speaking of average folks with some amusing kinks. They are speaking of people who are unable to have "normal" human relations, who are consumed, who are destroyed, who are unable to maintain the relationships they most desire. Yes, it's a grey area, but as with most soft addictions such as food and shopping addictions, its is something one must in essence - self diagnose. And it has a moveable definition based on the person in question.

Contrary to popular belief, the therapuetic community is not poised to conjure diagnoses for the purpose of torturing the unwitting public. Syndromes, behaviors and characteristics have been identified simply to help us understand ourselves better and be happier, more functional people. This is not the dark ages. This is not the 1950's. Get with it.

< Message edited by WhiplashGirlChld -- 7/28/2006 7:48:53 PM >

(in reply to ICGsteve)

Post #: 25

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 7/29/2006 5:42:34 PM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

Not everyone that's into psychology thinks bdsm is nuts. I'm majoring in social work counseling and I love bondage. Having a high sex drive is not an addiction. Repeatedly endangering oneself and/or an unsuspecting spouse or girlfriend is. Didn't mean to come across as someone who is against sex outside of marriage. I'm not against pre-marital sex at all. Frequent sex is great, as long as there is a monogamous relationship (not necessarily marriage) instead of multiple friends with benefits.

(in reply to shigglyboom)

Post #: 26

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 7/29/2006 5:53:20 PM

Mistrix

Posts: 186
Joined: 2/14/2006
Status: offline

Truly an interesting topic. I know alot about the disease of addiction. I understand that the behavior is a symptom of what's really happening inside of the addict. I know that addictive personalities are more at risk and once it's out of hand and causes trouble and engulfs your mind and life then it's become and addiction. To remain balanced and in a live and let go state does entail a strong and spiritual well being. If you don't feed into it.. you don't have to feel it.

_____________________________

I am a Woman, above everything else.

One is too many and a thousand is never enough.

(in reply to LoganStrange)

Post #: 27

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 7/29/2006 8:03:20 PM

ICGsteve

Posts: 202
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline

I would define addiction as an out of control craving for certain brain chemistries. Some people attain the chemical state that they crave with drugs, some with booze, some with caffeine, some with sex, some with thrills. Now just where is the line, the boundary, between desired chemistries that society has a right to get in the way of and which ones not? Maybe society has a right to confront people who's cravings cause them to put things into the body which harm the biological body, at least they can argue self preservation of the group (humanity) and can point to scientific proof that certain ingestions kill the body. I can't go along with this because I love what I smoke and think that society should leave me alone, but at least I can understand the argument. But addiction to sex??? Bad sex is going to harm what exactly? Who is to say what is bad sex anyway? Let us not forget what societies have called bad sex through history, sometimes so severe a view as that any sex that was enjoyable was bad sex. If we are to allow mental health professionals to mess with anyone who engages in bad sex what is to stop the definition of bad sex from reverting back to some of the horrible past definitions? Is there any scientific proof of what sexual practices are bad for the individual who engages in them? -I think not.

We have finally gotten the police out of the bedroom for the most part, but it is upsetting that to a large extent they have been replaced by the theraputic community. Thomas Moore (care of the soul) says that sex is the playground of the soul, and I agree with him. Sex is pretty much the most individual thing we do, and to the extent that we make mistakes it should be understood by all that people learn more from mistakes than from success so who is to say that sexual mistakes are a waste of time or energy? This is not 1950, you'd think that we would have finally figured out that society should leave individual sexuality alone, should let individuals figure sex and themselves out for themselves. But no, we obviously are not as advanced a civilization as that.

(in reply to Mistrix)

Post #: 28

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 7/30/2006 7:53:40 AM

Mistrix

Posts: 186
Joined: 2/14/2006
Status: offline

Before anyone can really truly state what sex addiction is they should look at this site. Then state thier opinion.

No use arguing over it. Too tender of a subject especially it being posted in a BDSM related message board.
http://saa-recovery.org/

_____________________________

I am a Woman, above everything else.

One is too many and a thousand is never enough.

(in reply to LoganStrange)

Post #: 29

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 7/30/2006 8:25:04 AM

LoganStrange

Posts: 34
Joined: 4/13/2006
Status: offline

ICGsteve says-
"Is there any scientific proof of what sexual practices are bad for the individual who engages in them? -I think not."

I will reply directly to this part, "I think not." This is correct, you are thinking but again have not looked for "any scientific proof". It is there, it is proven, it is harmfull.
Your opinion is here by noted, but it is only an opinion, if you don't do your research, it will stay your opinion.

Now, to the rest of the posts here, Thank you!
When I first posted this message in another group, the replys were mostly jokes and proved to me that there are indeed a great many people completly unaware of this very real problem, but since I posted it here I see that there are also a great many people who are indeed aware.
My faith is renewed.

One more comparison as this seems to be the key issue,
Self abuse is not necesarily addiction,
You can be a drunk, drink every night, get wasted every weekend and NOT be an alchoholic, the same as you can be a kinky polyamorous slut and NOT be a sexual addict, Addiction and drive or not the same,
One post said something about adrenalin junkies, I will say this, they love thier thrill, but they study what they do, take safety precautions, and though they know there are risks they push that edge, but a base jumper always carfully packs his chute, rock climbers study the cliff long before the climb, desert racers check thier cars out fully before they try for those high speeds, they love risk, but are not stupid, and most importantly, they accept the consequences, they KNOW the consequences,

If every time you took a risk, you knew you could loose your mate, or kids, or job, or house, you would take more care in your risks, addicts dont, and CAN'T.

the key here is they CAN NOT CONTROLL THIER BEHAVIOR, that is the difference. If you have to act out a certain way and can't wait for a safer time or place there may be a problem, its one thing to masterbait at work, slipping off to the bathroom for a quick self gratification, but if you feel like you HAVE TO do it every day, then there is a problem, if you have tried to stop doing it for say a week, but couldnt or became depressed because of it, then you can see the issue.

Sorry for the long post, but had alot to say, still didnt get it all out but for the sake of the readers, Ill end here.

(in reply to ICGsteve)

Post #: 30

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 7/30/2006 9:51:49 AM

ICGsteve

Posts: 202
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline

While it is probably true that individuals are in a more healthy state when they are in control of their cravings, not being in such a state is not grounds for the society to impose its ideals of health by labeling lack of control a pathological problem. Research shows only that such as been done, not that it ever should have been. It seems that we are in the grips of a mass ignorance of the fact that control is of the head, not of the heart, that the head does not always know best, and that in any case our sense of control is more often than not the maintaining of the illusion of control and not real.

< Message edited by ICGsteve -- 7/30/2006 9:52:41 AM >

(in reply to LoganStrange)

Post #: 31

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 8/3/2006 2:41:43 PM

cyberdude611

Posts: 2596
Joined: 5/7/2006
Status: offline

Sex addiction is a problem that interferes with the person's mental ability to fuction normally. People can have sex 3 times a day and still function normally. When it becomes a problem is if the sex causes the person to lose sleep, interfere with career life, become isolated, or take time away from social situations.

It is a bad term because practically everyone is "addicted" to sex. All human beings are programmed to want sex. Sex is natural and normal. It is how the human race survives from one generation to the next.

(in reply to ICGsteve)

Post #: 32

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 8/3/2006 3:51:01 PM

dorsaisgirl1

Posts: 156
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

i understand the nature of addiction my mother is an alcholic . i have what i consider to be a healthy appitite for sex not an addiction but i can see where to some others on the outside looking in it might seem unhealthy .exspeacily to thoughs who deny themselves satisfying sex. i know that there are people who truely are addicted to sex people whos lives are truely disrupted . i believe that addicts are aware of there addictions weather they are abel to admit them or not .and admiting they have a problem is the first step in getting help . they have meating just like AA for sex addiction and they go along the same general guidelines as AA.

(in reply to cyberdude611)

Post #: 33

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 8/3/2006 6:07:41 PM

dorsaisgirl1

Posts: 156
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

its the lack of control .the guy who cant stop flashing lil girls at the park. the women who picks up strangers at the bar not careing about the risks compulsive behavoir.the person who cant stop not the ones who just likes the way it feels. just becouse sex is enjoyable dont make an addiction to it a joke. they take risks that could send them to jail or kill them not becouse they enjoy it but becouse they feel they need to its a progressive thing they need more and more to get off till they cant go further . its not about the powers that be wanting to make you out to be a sicko becouse you enjoy sex. its for the people who need it these people i dont think even enjoy what they are doing but that just an opinion

(in reply to dorsaisgirl1)

Post #: 34

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 8/3/2006 6:12:54 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

ummmmmmmm.......where are these women located, please?

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to dorsaisgirl1)

Post #: 35

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 8/7/2006 5:01:46 PM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

Tail, check out that saa site above, it lists meetings in all states!

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 36

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 8/12/2006 7:23:11 AM

LoganStrange

Posts: 34
Joined: 4/13/2006
Status: offline

To all the wonderfull posts, thank you,
I have one final rant before I drop the subject alltogether.

To those of you who would love to be with one of these addicts....
You are a fix, a hit of crack, a snort of coke, and thats all,
They would not be with you out of love, or consent, they most likely would not even want to be with you,
you are nothing but the next fix, and you will not be the last, and nothing, NOTHING you do will be enough,
you are not enough in bed, not enough of a sub, not enough of a Dom,
they will feel nothing but shame for ever being with you as it isn't really thier choice.
And if this is ok with you, then you are nothing but a selfish pusher, heartless, uncaring and also just looking for your next "fix"

The lifestyle is based on consent, as wonderfully wild and sexually charged as it is, it is still consentual, addiction takes out the consent, taking advantage of an sexual addict is the same as getting someone drunk to fuck them.

Any "Master" that wants a sexual addict as a sub is either unaware of sexual addiction or is a sexual addict themselves, either way probly not one you would want as a Master or Dom.

If you have read this far, then I don't need to rant again about high sex drive verses addiction, so please, learn about this problem so that you can be a better Master or a better sub, bring back the "Safe, Sane, and Consentual"

Thank you all, and be well.

(in reply to popeye1250)

Post #: 37

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 8/14/2006 8:52:34 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Being in love with a sex addict is definately NOT a good time. When they come to you telling of their sexual exploits since you were last together. "but you know it didn't MEAN anything baby, it was just sex!" So, what does that make what we share, just sex? And that is when you have a good comunication. When they realize you are not going to take it anymore and they promise it will never happen again, find out about the 2 guys and 1 woman in one night and how much fun taking viagra can be (from a lesbian??)Sooooooo they go to work for the porn industry cuz then, after all......"it's a job!".............it's a problem.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LoganStrange)

Post #: 38

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 8/14/2006 8:43:48 PM

StrongButKind

Posts: 136
Joined: 10/15/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ICGsteve

While it is probably true that individuals are in a more healthy state when they are in control of their cravings, not being in such a state is not grounds for the society to impose its ideals of health by labeling lack of control a pathological problem. Research shows only that such as been done, not that it ever should have been. It seems that we are in the grips of a mass ignorance of the fact that control is of the head, not of the heart, that the head does not always know best, and that in any case our sense of control is more often than not the maintaining of the illusion of control and not real.

Yes, yes, a diagnosis code is society out to get you. And the Sasquatch will leave you in the grassy knoll in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney. Society doesn't diagnose people; physicians do, and that is a private matter between physician and patient for the purpose of treating that patient. If you would rather not be judged by the man, don't go to a shrink, and you won't be. But don't belittle the research and the people who diagnose and treat important diseases. Some people have problems that interfere with their lives and want help with them. That threatens you in no way.

Apropos of nothing, the DSM-IV-TR has no code for sexual addition, sexual compulsion, or the like, but it does have one for paranoia.

(in reply to ICGsteve)

Post #: 39

RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM - 8/15/2006 10:00:58 AM

JoanFrost

Posts: 30
Joined: 12/12/2005
Status: offline

Before I launch into this, here are a few things about me that might prevent some misunderstandings. (Or not.) I have a family history that is loaded with every imaginable addiction (in the true sense of the word), and I have more first-hand experience dealing with addicts than most. I am highly empathetic, and I volunteer in my community to help those less fortunate than myself. I believe in extending a hand to help your fellow man/woman and I practice those beliefs. I ALSO believe in personal liberty, and the necessity of taking responsibility for one's own actions in a "free" society. In short, I'm neither a bleeding-heart Lib nor a Heartless Conservative.

The notion of being "addicted" to something that is REQUIRED for the continuation of the species, (i.e. eating, copulating, or sleeping) is fallacious. Yes, many of these behaviors produce a "dump" of various neurotransmitters, like dopamine and serotonin. Yes, dopamine is a chemical in the brain that is associated with addiction, among other things.Yes, serotonin is a key component in various mood disturbances and depressive disorders, and can cause all sorts of whacked-outedness if off balance. BUT, that a particular behavior makes me feel "high" in some way, or temporarily alleviates some deep-rooted depression, does NOT make it addictive!!! From an evolutionary standpoint, it is necessary that things like eating and reproducing produce some instant gratification; otherwise, they're not very likely to be repeated, and that puts the species in serious jeopardy.

I've known several people, some of whom have been very dear friends of mine, who were identified, either by professionals or themselves as "sex addicts." Sorry, I don't buy it. To quote George Carlin, calling this bullshit an addiction is simply another step in the "pussification" of the world. How convenient must it be to be able to slap the label of ADDICTION on your imbecilic, self-centered behavior and have everyone go all doe-eyed and sympathetic, dismissing your transgressions, no matter how heinous, because you "can't help it." In a word, BULLSHIT!!!
.
Here's how it SHOULD go:

"Hey pussbag! It's wrong to cheat and lie so you can bang anything with a pulse. In fact, you're a complete fuckhead for behaving that way and no amount of counseling can fix someone so self-absorbed and indifferent as to be able to continue with that nonsense despite the destruction it wreaks upon your life. You are a defective piece of waste not fit to breathe the same air as the productive members of society. Wake the fuck up or do us all a favor and remove yourself from the gene pool."

Nope, we're just all too kind to be that honest, so instead we look to self-appointed "experts," who write books and hold lectures and come up with a host of ridiculous excuses for all the crap (and make a pretty penny on the books and lectures to boot!). And instead of the truth and any potential wake-up call that might accompany it, the alleged "addict" is bombarded with enabling messages that s/he is a VICTIM, and just can't help it. "Maybe your mommy didn't cut the crusts off your peanut butter sandwiches when you were a kid and it's all her fault that you're so fucked up. Or maybe Uncle Billy was a child-molesting bastard and deflowered you against your will. Poooooor baybeeeeeeeee." And then we tell the poor dear's family members to understand, and be supportive, because after all, S/he's sick!! Awwwwww.

Don't misunderstand me for a moment. I have no lack of sympathy or empathy for people who have suffered at the hands of others (in a non-SSC way, of course). The fact is though folks, EVERYONE has a story of woe, and they're all awful. But not EVERYONE fucks around constantly and exposes everyone they sleep with to fatal diseases because of it. It's a CHOICE!!!

Promiscuity, gluttony, laziness... while each of these has the potential to cause those around us a significant amount of pain, NONE are addictions. No number of secondarydefinitions added to the dictionary to appease the politically-correct masses makes it so. Adding an entry to the DSMIV doesn't either. (SAD, anyone? How about PMDD? NOT legitimate diagnoses; they already existed under different names, but the manufacturers of Paxil and Prozac worked really hard to come up with "new" disorders right around the time the patents were set to expire... go figure.)

Addiction is a physiological phenomenon. Here is the test: STOP. If you get sick, hallucinate, puke, sweat profusely, experience delirium tremens, or fucking DIE, then you are indeed addicted and should have your detox/withdrawal medically supervised. If not, you're just an asshole or a sociopath or both, and need to step up and take responsibility for your brainless, narcissistic bullshit and get yourself together. If you won't do that (yes, it's fucking hard, but there IS no "can't" here. It's intentional, every bit of it.), then you're just a pathetic shithead.

Very simple really.

Joan

<<edited--twice-- to correct typos>>

< Message edited by JoanFrost -- 8/15/2006 10:11:31 AM >

(in reply to ICGsteve)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Health and Safety >> RE: Sexual Addiction and BDSM

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094