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Advice needed - 11/1/2015 9:20:48 AM

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Joined: 11/1/2015
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Hi everyone, just seeking some advice, bdsm is relatively new to me although I have dabbled some in the past I have always done it in a way where, I guess if I'm honest I am still in control...in the past I knew I could wrap people round my finger so it was easy to get out of things if I wasn't sure or felt nervous

Met a Dom a while back and really connected met him for a social and omg he is amazing...unfortunately something happened and I had to put our thing on hold for a while but we have still chatted throughout
Anyway I've been really open with him and he thinks I have manipulated men in the past, which maybe I have but I haven't done it in a nasty way or on purpose it's just happened

Anyway, my point I'm taking ages to get to is, I'm meeting him again next week, and I've kinda been bratty I guess these last few weeks and he's not said anything at the time, but now he said that he's going to correct me on it when we meet...
And I'm worried about that, I told him I was worried and he said good and that I need consequences

But what if I can't handle it?
Any advice?

RE: Advice needed - 11/1/2015 9:46:45 AM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Have you agreed to a Dom/sub relationship?

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(in reply to Blossoms1)

RE: Advice needed - 11/1/2015 9:52:22 AM

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Joined: 11/1/2015
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Yes

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Advice needed - 11/1/2015 10:00:59 AM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Well, then if you can't handle it, you talk with your Dom about not being able to handle it. From there, he should put forth a plan that sets you up to succeed as his submissive.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Blossoms1)

RE: Advice needed - 11/1/2015 10:04:56 AM

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Joined: 4/7/2014
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Were you aware before you behaved in this way that it was something he didn't want or expect? Because if you weren't aware of the agreements and boundaries it seems manipulative of him to demand reparations for transgressions you were not aware were actually transgressions.

Have you discussed with him whether you (both) want a punishment dynamic?

Have you discussed with him what sort of 'consequences' he envisages?

I know you've met him once, but if it were me I wouldn't be jumping into D/s after one meet. You need to talk things through, set expectations and boundaries and take things slow.

But then again, YMMV.

_____________________________

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"You're not a very nice bunny" - some_random_internet_asshole's_sock

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Previously known as 'myotherself' or simply 'da bunny'

(in reply to Blossoms1)

RE: Advice needed - 11/1/2015 10:19:42 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bunnicula

Were you aware before you behaved in this way that it was something he didn't want or expect? Because if you weren't aware of the agreements and boundaries it seems manipulative of him to demand reparations for transgressions you were not aware were actually transgressions.

Have you discussed with him whether you (both) want a punishment dynamic?

Have you discussed with him what sort of 'consequences' he envisages?

I know you've met him once, but if it were me I wouldn't be jumping into D/s after one meet. You need to talk things through, set expectations and boundaries and take things slow.

But then again, YMMV.

You're absolutely correct Fuzzbutt. I was trying not to go there because our advice starts with the "how" rather than the "what" that she asked....and we know how it ends up.

OP, as someone inexperienced, you need to talk, talk, talk about expectations, boundaries, dynamics and limits.

You should also ask yourself, "If this were a vanilla relationship, would I agree to enter into a relationship with someone that I had met once?"

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Bunnicula)

RE: Advice needed - 11/1/2015 10:25:45 AM

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Although it sounds quick me saying one meet, we have talked for months...on the phone, over skype I know a lot about him not just as a Dominant..and yes if he was vanilla I'd still want to develop something with him with what I know

Maybe I'm just being a wimp haha

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Advice needed - 11/1/2015 10:32:46 AM

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Joined: 10/23/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Blossoms1

Although it sounds quick me saying one meet, we have talked for months...on the phone, over skype I know a lot about him not just as a Dominant..and yes if he was vanilla I'd still want to develop something with him with what I know

Maybe I'm just being a wimp haha

Maybe you are being a wimp.
But it could also be an inner voice telling you to be cautious.

If your voices are telling you that you can't handle whatever is coming, I would be very hesitant in doing it without knowing everything up front and are comfortable with it all.
If in doubt - duck out; until you're 110% sure.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to Blossoms1)

RE: Advice needed - 11/1/2015 10:37:19 AM

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You can be anyone while talking on the phone, skype, IM etc. It's a vacuum. So, the reality is that you only know what he wants you to know. You don't know how he behaves or how he interacts with the world around him.

Most D/s relationships have a life span of about 3-6 months. It's because people jump into D/s BDSM relationships without really getting to know their partner. They allow tingly genitals to confuse thrilling sex for actual affection.

My honest advice would be to meet him again without the power dynamic. Get to know him face to face, then decide.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Blossoms1)

RE: Advice needed - 11/1/2015 11:29:16 AM

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Joined: 4/7/2014
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I had several short-lived D/s relationships that ended because, in retrospect, I put the kink before the man. They were fun while they lasted but ultimately they failed because of basic 'vanilla' incompatibilities.

I am currently in a relationship which I decided was going to remain vanilla until I felt I knew and trusted the man enough to want to go further. In fact, we were vanilla for about 4 months, then gradually I allowed a bit of D/s in, then a bit more and a bit more. I was always the one controlling the speed of the relationship.

We've now been together over 6 years, we've moved on to M/s and we're in the process of merging our lives.

It's a lot easier to love the Master when you know the man first.

_____________________________

"You are THE MAN!!" - some_random_internet_asshole
"You're not a very nice bunny" - some_random_internet_asshole's_sock

Wanna chocolate raisin?

Previously known as 'myotherself' or simply 'da bunny'

(in reply to Blossoms1)

RE: Advice needed - 11/1/2015 2:29:55 PM

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From: Apple County NY
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Have you discussed punishment? Have you agreed to what he thinks is suitable? What if you freak out, will he honor your safeword? What if you don't freak out but decide he isn't someone you can accept this from, will he still stop?

Hell, what if you hit an emotional trigger and can't talk. Does he know you well enough to recognize that and stop?

You sure his idea of punishment isn't to break a hard limit? Because that's all too common.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 11/1/2015 2:32:00 PM >

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(in reply to Bunnicula)

RE: Advice needed - 11/1/2015 5:27:37 PM

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Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Blossoms1

Hi everyone, just seeking some advice, bdsm is relatively new to me although I have dabbled some in the past I have always done it in a way where, I guess if I'm honest I am still in control...in the past I knew I could wrap people round my finger so it was easy to get out of things if I wasn't sure or felt nervous

Met a Dom a while back and really connected met him for a social and omg he is amazing...unfortunately something happened and I had to put our thing on hold for a while but we have still chatted throughout
Anyway I've been really open with him and he thinks I have manipulated men in the past, which maybe I have but I haven't done it in a nasty way or on purpose it's just happened

Anyway, my point I'm taking ages to get to is, I'm meeting him again next week, and I've kinda been bratty I guess these last few weeks and he's not said anything at the time, but now he said that he's going to correct me on it when we meet...
And I'm worried about that, I told him I was worried and he said good and that I need consequences

But what if I can't handle it?
Any advice?

If he did not tell you that your behavior was unacceptable at the time and did not provide direction then, then how were you supposed to know you had crossed some line of acceptable behavior.
He should have let you know then so that you could discuss it.
You then had the option of choosing to comply and change what you were doing that he perceived as "bratty" or you could have decided that his request was unacceptable to you.
But opting to punish you the next time he sees you without giving you a chance to address the issue is kind of like punishing a puppy because he peed on a rug.... 3 weeks ago.
1) Would you even punish the puppy?

2) IF you actually decided to punish the puppy, would you wait weeks to do it?

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(in reply to Blossoms1)

RE: Advice needed - 11/1/2015 9:04:59 PM

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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he thinks I have manipulated men in the past, which maybe I have but I haven't done it in a nasty way or on purpose it's just happened

Context, please. Did he say this as something you should be punished for? If so, that's a huge red flag. But if he simply mentioned that as how he's different from the other men, then it's no deal.

But what if I can't handle it?

Ask him. This is a difficult point. If the two of you are going to be Dom/sub, he's going to have a lot of control and you will need to trust him. If you don't feel that, you may need to renegotiate. A good Dom will be aware of what his sub can handle and not push her beyond that.

I DO get a bad feeling about your very first meet involving punishment, but that's just a quirk of mine.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Advice needed - 11/1/2015 9:24:16 PM

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Joined: 2/6/2011
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blossoms, if you can't handle it, walk away.

You can be as manipulative as you want. If he is naturally dominant and hopefully one with intelligence as well, he'll find it amusing and swing things around your manipulation to his benefit.

I actually find this more exciting. I mean, I don't understand dominants who just want a simple minded, I tell you, and you obey everything. Not having to worry about a woman manipulating him. If his that good, he can't be manipulated, so why should he worry about manipulative submissive women. He'll put her in her place.

I like the games, the wit, the exchanges, I like stimulation of the brain, ya know keep the brain thinking and alive.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/1/2015 9:25:08 PM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Advice needed - 11/1/2015 9:26:28 PM

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

I DO get a bad feeling about your very first meet involving punishment, but that's just a quirk of mine.

I have to agree with this part. Hope blossoms, you guys negotiated safe words for your own safety.

(in reply to Greta75)

RE: Advice needed - 11/2/2015 12:52:30 AM

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

I think what gets lost in the sauce, around here, quite a bit is that while you're supposed to have no power in the relationship, you do have the ultimate say as to whether or not the relationship continues.

If you have, indeed, submitted to this guy, you have the right to re-evaluate (on a daily basis, if need be) whether or not he deserves your submission. I am not speaking about safe-words, per se. I am talking about the commitment that a D/s relationship is supposed to include.

Michael

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(in reply to Greta75)

RE: Advice needed - 11/2/2015 6:53:32 AM

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blossoms1

Anyway, my point I'm taking ages to get to is, I'm meeting him again next week, and I've kinda been bratty I guess these last few weeks and he's not said anything at the time, but now he said that he's going to correct me on it when we meet...
And I'm worried about that, I told him I was worried and he said good and that I need consequences

But what if I can't handle it?
Any advice?

My take is that this is hot. He let you be bratty and now he's calling you out on it and likes having you on pins and needles.
This would be foreplay for me.
But then again, I don't overanalyze things like most people on the boards here do.
Go with your gut instinct.

_____________________________

(in reply to Blossoms1)

RE: Advice needed - 11/2/2015 10:39:28 AM

Posts: 50
Joined: 10/19/2015
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The kink versus the person is something I usually say. It is often a choice for most and most chose badly (albeit all the may want is fun – fair enough – and often think nothing of the rest of the relationship.. Which is pretty much what Bunnicula said/says – i am in agreement and like people with that approach anywhere. But I know on these places mindsets like that are not the normal. Sometimes the correct choice is not choosing the other person if only kink is chosen - is that better than nothing I do not beleive so

All I saw on your thread is I am a manipulator wrapping people around your little finger. Honest enough. But not nice or fair. It is your state of being I doubt you can ever be corrected...and you fail to define what you think corrected is..perhaps its a toaster thrashing perhaps its a talking of anothers persepective.

(in reply to petitespot)

RE: Advice needed - 11/2/2015 3:23:54 PM

MistressMarie50

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Joined: 9/23/2015
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What almost everyone else said - talk to him. Punishing you for a behavior trait sounds vindictive to me, not corrective. But YMMV. Is he just looking for a reason to punish you?

Marie

(in reply to LuminousFire)

RE: Advice needed - 11/15/2015 7:09:03 AM

Cell

Posts: 409
Status: offline

Sounds like first world problems.
I'm not really sure if I can summon up the energy to consider your upcoming kinky sex encounter in-depth... but apart from congrats I suppose I do have an opinion on his use of past 'brattyness' to justify some kind of kinky consequences. Pretty lame IMO.

A bit corny or something, like something out of a porno script. Have fun =P

(in reply to Blossoms1)

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