freedomdwarf1
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Joined: 10/23/2012
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Greta75
I just want to say, really sorry to hear you are going through all this. 25 years is a very long time together. I see some super human folks say just walk away from it, and that's it! But I believe for most ordinary human beings, 25 years relationship, isn't something you just walk out of. Something was working great to have lasted so long.
My OH walked out of her 15 year marriage because her partner at the time was being an ass.
Early one Sunday morning, he said something that just broke the camel's back.
She just packed a bag and walked out on him with barely a word said; that was 8 years ago.
I think most people stay with their marriage because they trust each other and in general are safe, reliable, stable, and to a certain degree, predictable.
If your very foundation for the relationship has crumbled or been severely undermined, as per OP's posts, it is very easy to just walk away.
And like most people that walk out - it's not usually over a one-time event but an accumulation of things.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Greta75
But the issue is the inability to be transparent and total honest with each other after so long together. And you need to find a way to have a heart to heart talk.
This is the issue - if we are to believe what OP is telling us.
Her partner has effectively been unfaithful (in her eyes) after 25 years of monogamous trust.
Not just the once, but many times and continues to do so behind her back.
That's one helluva trust wall to be willfully wrecking into oblivion.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Greta75
Tell him you can't trust him anymore unless he comes clean on what's going on, surrender his password to you on the spot and let you look what his been up to. I think you should at least find out exactly what is going on, before you decide to walk or work with him about it.
This is not good advice.
It's like opening a can of worms. You cannot 'unsee' what you have seen.
In our relationship here, we are 100% completely transparent.
She can look at what I do and vice-versa; we have no secrets.
But we don't go looking out of respect for each others' space and privacy.
And that's where complete trust in each other comes in - the trust that neither of us will overstep the boundaries or find the need to go looking.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Greta75
If he gets defensive, upset, refuses to show you, then you have a difficult decision to make, you can simply tell him, you can't trust him anymore, and you can't be with someone you can't trust, and his not willing to show you, that you have nothing to worry about.
The fact that she has found out what she has so far and it has freaked her out is more than enough to be worried about.
The sheer fact that her partner hasn't even broached the subject of his indiscretions is showing that he is not even thinking about her. As Pandora said, she doesn't even warrant a conversation about it.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Greta75
You mentioned you used to get upset with him about online stuffs in the past, so..., did he promise to stop and carried it on behind your back? And frankly speaking, if this is so, moving forward, if you want to continue, you may have to decide if you can tolerate some of these in his life, because even if he promised not to do it again, clearly, his addicted to it enough to do it behind your back. I don't know if he can stop.
I think her partner has already shown that even though he knows it upsets her, he still does it behind her back.
Whether he promised not to do it or not isn't the problem here - it's the abuse of trust.
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“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” George Orwell, 1903-1950
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