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ORIGINAL: BitaTruble
My first Master used the stoplight words from the very beginning, so for me, it's just the way I've always done things because that's the way I was first taught.  Since I view it as just another tool in the arsenal of communication, I see no reason to change it now. The most important communication tool is still and always will be body language for me.

Celeste

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The times I have felt distressed, I have been able to communicate it so he knows.  It's up to him what to do with it from there.

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ORIGINAL: leakylee

In reading the thread on the safe words, there seems to be two main school of thought on them. The first being that they have paramount place in our play, and the second being that can be there or not.

My question is how did you come to your decision? Was it by experience? Did a session somewhere light the bulb that confirmed this path for you? Was it from the numberous sources available in researching and learning?

Thank you for sharing
Lee

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ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

My first Master used the stoplight words from the very beginning, so for me, it's just the way I've always done things because that's the way I was first taught.  Since I view it as just another tool in the arsenal of communication, I see no reason to change it now. The most important communication tool is still and always will be body language for me.

Celeste

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ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

If you don't or can't trust your partner I guess they are necessary.

But the reality is they are dangerous. A dom may go further than he is comfortable because the sub hasn't spoken "yellow" or it's equivalent. A submissive, to "prove" they are tough, may hold back on using a safe word to not disappoint the dom. You're assigning accountability an power in a scene to words. The dominant relinquishes all responsibility, the submissive never completely surrenders.

By their nature, they inhibit communication. During the "getting to know" stage, after the "after-care", I got to know my partners by discussing how they felt during the scene. I asked if I was too harsh, not harsh enough. We discussed everything from technique to style. The communication opened up the opportunity to discuss expanding limits. It facilitated advancing the relationship and becoming closer with the other person. If a safe-word was used, the only question would be; "did you come close to safe-wording?" Which to me sounds very much like, "Did you cum?" If you have to ask, maybe you need to know your partner a little better. Throughout my formative years, I had a few sexual one night stands, but for this reason, I never had a "meet & beat" encounter. I felt, and still believe, the experience of domination and submission requires an elementary intimacy deeper than a physical act.

The bottom line is, safe words are a short-cut to taking the time necessary to know your partner and develop the trust required not to need a safe word. Sometimes short-cuts get you to your destination sometimes you get totally lost and never reach your goal.

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ORIGINAL: leakylee
My question is how did you come to your decision? Was it by experience? Did a session somewhere light the bulb that confirmed this path for you? Was it from the numberous sources available in researching and learning?

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original : Mercandbeth
But the reality is they are dangerous. A dom may go further than he is comfortable because the sub hasn't spoken "yellow" or it's equivalent. A submissive, to "prove" they are tough, may hold back on using a safe word to not disappoint the dom. You're assigning accountability an power in a scene to words. The dominant relinquishes all responsibility, the submissive never completely surrenders.

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ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach
I came to the place that I am, decision wise concerning things like safewords, through experience.  No single scene threw the switch on the internal bulb - a long series of them did.  To many times suffering outright Damage at the hands of those who considered a safeword a manipulation attempt on my part.  Ordinary communication didn't work with those people any better than a safeword did.  It was considered in the same light, and they mistakenly assumed from some sort of top/domly self rightous highhorse that they automatically knew what was "best" for me, what was "enough" for me, or what was "to much" for me because they were the dom.
 
You might say in the long run it got beatten into me not to trust someone to know me well enough to consistantly guage my reactions, and doing so is abrogating my responcibility to myself.
 
Erin mentioned knowing several situations that went bad because a safeword was in place.  My personal experience has been diametrically opposite over the course of my life. I don't personally know anyone who had things go bad because they HAD a safeword - but I've personally had things go VERY badly because I wasn't allowed a safeword or  communication in scene was patently ignored to keep me from "manipulating" the dom.

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ORIGINAL: Caretakr

It's like this...If you care, simple communication will work, and just paying attention.

And if you do not, it won't save you anyhow.