LadyPact
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa This thread isn't meant to stir up trouble, rather it's to look for how other people handle aftercare [in personal relationships, not paid ones]. Many people agree that aftercare is important but is there an unwritten, but mostly agreed upon way with how it should be handled. No. Just no. In my opinion, aftercare should be handled a) depending on the individuals involved and b) depending on the activities involved. I highly doubt there's any 'mostly agreed' anything. quote:
-- Should a discussion regarding how things went be held immediately after the session, or should it wait until a later point [an hour after; before the next session; at your next meal together; etc]? -- Immediately after the session is over, while tending to any wounds [etc], should phrases like, "You did a good job" and "I'm proud of you" be used, or should phrases like "I'm here", "Are you okay?", "Do you need anything?" be used? **All of these examples SEEM harmless, but in my opinion the first two could be harmful. For example, weight loss. Some people might get their wires crossed [so to say], when told "You're doing really well losing weight", they might think that continued weight loss would keep people happy, but instead becomes an eating disorder.. Add to the equation of limits being pushed farther than a submissive knows they're ready for, etc. If it turns out the submissive isn't ready to be pushed and reinforcements like, "I'm proud of you" are used, the submissive could wind up feeling ashamed.. I was going to split this up. Then, I thought better of it. Let's take the physical side first. Depending on what kind of play was involved, immediate physical check over is probably more prudent. Do all of your parts work the same way when we're done playing as when we started? You have to count in things like wound care, body temperature is regulated again, etc, etc, etc. For most of my play, I happen to be a fan on next day recap. I don't really want the evaluation from someone when their head is still endorphin buzzing because for some folks, that's just not the time to give a level headed opinion. More often than not, if I'm negotiating casual play with someone, that follow up email the next day is a requirement, not an option. This gives both people enough time to come back to regular brain chemical activity, so they aren't influenced by space and can give an honest assessment. For those people who only play with their primary partner, it's a lot easier for you because you have many more opportunities for a fifteen minute talk. Block off some quiet time and discuss what worked and what didn't. However, if you feel that a compliment about how well you did during play or a comment about your weight loss, or some other innocuous thing is crossing the territory into abuse because you are oh, so fragile, in the position to be manipulated into self-harming behavior, (i.e., so willing to become anorexic, etc) you might want to consider no longer playing until you have resolved that issue. quote:
I ask these questions because aftercare, like the title suggests, seems like an excellent time to do a little brainwashing [regardless of whether or not subspace has been achieved] Can I make a kind suggestion? If you honestly think you are being brainwashed by a little pillow talk, I implore you to GTFO. quote:
A few examples where the mind can be subjected to brainwashing: -- Comparing this to a domestic abuse situation. Person A is beaten by Person B. After a while Person B has calmed down and returns to Person A, saying things like, "I'm sorry", "I love you", etc. Person A may be feeling regret and shame [etc], but the seemingly kind words from Person B condition them to believe the beating was okay to begin with.. -- Edging someone while occasionally being spanked. Over time, the end result becomes a desire for spanking regardless of if the person enjoys being spanked. No. Kink is *not* domestic violence and it is a travesty when people start trying to compare Sm as such. quote:
An old post discussed something similar. A submissive had been humiliated and degraded by a domme, later he felt angry about the situation. It is unclear though whether he was at any point interested in being humiliated. Either way, someone suggested the following quote:
did you ejaculate during the session? Many men experience a crash after ejaculation, and some things that were intensely exciting before ejaculation become utterly unexciting afterward. If the session was on-going after you experienced that crash, it might have had a particularly negative emotional effect on you Perhaps this would have been better suited for a subject like retroactive removal of consent? Not a theory that I'm big on but it would make a decent thread. I think I should interject this here. While not the majority, there are certainly bottoms out there who are just as damaging as the so-called bad tops. In something like the above, a top should never accept the bottom's consent at all because, after the fact, they decided they didn't like the play. Hogwash. quote:
Based on that, couldn't it be argued that discussing how a session went was part of the session itself, as emotions are still fresh and one probably can't process everything that happened in a matter of seconds. In my opinion, aftercare should be a part of the negotiation process. Just like the play, the people involved have to be aware of their wants/needs about how we're going to wrap this whole thing up. However, if the bottom's aftercare needs are excessive or not proportionate to the activity, that might be the person that the top should just not engage with. quote:
The mind is a fragile thing, and with the right stimulus it can be permanently damaged. I would have to say, if a bottom's mind is so "fragile" that they feel 'broken' after some light play or a compliment during aftercare, it's re-evaluation time. quote:
On a related note: in your opinion do professional dominants [male or female] use care when performing aftercare, or are clients treated like a commodity, and only the basics [asking if the clients is okay, generally in reference to the physical self] are covered? I'm not a professional Dominant. Never have been. Just as an opinion and some conjecture, why would people think professional Dominants (or pro subs or switches, for that matter) should be any different when dealing with clients of any other profession? If I go to the hair salon, and say I want this, this, and that done, and the gal cutting my hair does exactly that, is it her fault if I decide I don't like the cut a few days later?
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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie. Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread
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