Seeking help and training to be a better DOM.

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

Seeking help and training to be a better DOM.

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Seeking help and training to be a better DOM.

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 7/7/2016 3:34:35 PM

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/6/2016
Status: offline

Hello my fellow masters. i regret to inform you that, while im very interested in becoming a master for a wanton slave and that i find this life style very appealing, i am very new to said lifestyle and i was brought up on a foundation of equality. i understand letting go of my old "gentlemanly" habits is paramount i request some advice and proper training to bring this side out of me so i can treat my slave how they should be and crave to be treated. thank you for your time.

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 7/7/2016 5:20:41 PM

Posts: 14412
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

First off - Why do you think that you can't be a Gentleman and a Sadist?

I would highly suggest finding groups, demonstrations and discussion groups near you and attending as many as possible to learn.

And lastly - I'm going to caution you about this statement: "treat my slave how they should be". Other than being abusive, there is no right or wrong way "to treat" your slave. It's all about what the two of you agree to and what works for you. Don't fall into the trap that the internet perpetuates.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to duskraven39)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 7/7/2016 5:41:23 PM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Welcome to the site.

I second OsideGirl's suggestion to get into the community. I'm not sure how easy that will be in Vegas. Basically, I suspect that you have several preconceptions about how things are, that may not be true.

Note that being a Dom is a relationship kind of thing. So that you're not dressed in leather 24/7 with a woman on a leash - most of the time you're taking out the garbage or paying bills.

I hate to admit this, but I've found that a lot of venues discriminate against young men claiming to be Doms. You'll need some time to get past this misperception.

I'd suggest you look into the Daddy Dom/little girl lifestyle. That might be close to what you seek.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 7/7/2016 6:21:40 PM

Posts: 5490
Status: offline

quote:

i understand letting go of my old "gentlemanly" habits is paramount

Not necessarily, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, you are the dom you are.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

(in reply to duskraven39)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 7/7/2016 7:58:26 PM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

We are equal. I am an integral part of the relationship. So our value is equal, only the authority is not.

But we see examples of this every day. A doctor can't operate without the OR nurse and the anesthesiologist. They are equal in value to the surgeon, even if not equal in authority.

A movie director holds the authority but he couldn't produce a film without actors, cameramen, etc. equal in value, not authority.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to ThatDizzyChick)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 7/7/2016 7:59:27 PM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

We are equal. I am an integral part of the relationship. So our value is equal, only the authority is not.

But we see examples of this every day. A doctor can't operate without the OR nurse and the anesthesiologist. They are equal in value to the surgeon, even if not equal in authority.

A movie director holds the authority but he couldn't produce a film without actors, cameramen, etc. equal in value, not authority.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to ThatDizzyChick)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 7/7/2016 10:30:42 PM

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

Given your profile, I think the kinksters here are going to give you better answers than I will. The one thing I'll say is this. You are not going to find rules for how to have a relationship, what it means to be a master, or what it means to be a slave. Humans simply don't fit into tidy little boxes like that. I feel like one or more people along your path have given you the golden rules of BDSM.

There is no one true way. There is simply you and your willingness and ability to step up and mold a relationship to [more or less] match your desires.

If it helps any, my question around the equality thing was, "By what right do I assume authority over Carol?" The answer is, "Because I can. Because I want to. Because it works and makes a happy marriage." There.... equality dispensed with.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to duskraven39)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 7/8/2016 5:15:36 AM

Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline

I'm with OsideGirl

and definitely go out and learn about D/s in your local community, forget about the online stuff, most of that is malarky. It's best to get information from real experienced people.

and like others have stated there is no one true way so don't believe that either. But eventually when you are ready to have a D/s relationship communicate, communicate, communicate, can't stress this enough.

(in reply to duskraven39)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 7/8/2016 1:58:48 PM

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

If you think " letting go of my old gentlemanly habits is paramount" to being a better Dom, you have a dire misconception of what BDSM, being a Dominant and the lifestyle is about. I suggest you read up a little bit to get a working foundation of the concepts in BDSM. There is a great book list, the result of the collective efforts of CollarChat members.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

The Topping Book might be a good start, although I expect many will also suggest The Loving Dominant. Anyone got a better recommendation?

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to duskraven39)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 7/8/2016 2:51:44 PM

Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline

the loving Dominant is a good place to start, would also suggest he shouldn't start with any S & M activities until he has studied how to do those activities

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 7/8/2016 10:07:09 PM

Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: duskraven39

Hello my fellow masters. i regret to inform you that, while im very interested in becoming a master for a wanton slave and that i find this life style very appealing, i am very new to said lifestyle and i was brought up on a foundation of equality. i understand letting go of my old "gentlemanly" habits is paramount i request some advice and proper training to bring this side out of me so i can treat my slave how they should be and crave to be treated. thank you for your time.

Study pickup. Nothing will rid you faster of your illusions about women. It'll also make you a much better man... eventually.

Fuck your slave. You're supposed to treat her how YOU want, not how SHE wants. Jesus Christ, dude.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to duskraven39)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 8/12/2016 6:42:45 AM

Posts: 420
Joined: 4/7/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: duskraven39

Hello my fellow masters. i regret to inform you that, while im very interested in becoming a master for a wanton slave and that i find this life style very appealing, i am very new to said lifestyle and i was brought up on a foundation of equality. i understand letting go of my old "gentlemanly" habits is paramount i request some advice and proper training to bring this side out of me so i can treat my slave how they should be and crave to be treated. thank you for your time.

First thing you do is talk to her. No d/s, no kink, just an honest discussion about what you both want from the relationship. Once you get some understanding of what she's looking for, then decide whether it's what you're looking for. At this point she should be thinking about what you want meshes with what she wants.

In my early days of d/s relationships I dated several people. One was a lovely guy who did everything I wanted. Everything. Nothing that he wanted - it was all me. It felt like I was running the relationship and it died. One was a lovely guy who came in all hard-ass and behaved like Kim Jong-il with a migraine as bad as his haircut. Nothing that I wanted, everything that he wanted. I felt unvalued and unloved and the relationship died.

My current boss and I talked. And talked and talked and talked. We tried stuff. Some worked, some didn't. The stuff that didn't, we discussed and either adjusted or discarded. We've been together 8 years now and we still talk. We started out slowly, as his submissive for a year or so and then his slave. He's my Master and I will do everything he says because I know he understands me and our relationship.

That's how my relationship works. Everyone's is different. My idea of a crap relationship may be someone else's idea of a perfect relationship. But you'll only find out through communication and not listening to online warriors who proclaim ONE TWUE WAY! for bdsm.

Get out, meet other kinksters, talk, watch, listen and learn.

Good luck!

_____________________________

"You are THE MAN!!" - some_random_internet_asshole
"You're not a very nice bunny" - some_random_internet_asshole's_sock

Wanna chocolate raisin?

Previously known as 'myotherself' or simply 'da bunny'

(in reply to duskraven39)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 8/12/2016 10:19:45 AM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: duskraven39

Hello my fellow masters. i regret to inform you that, while im very interested in becoming a master for a wanton slave and that i find this life style very appealing, i am very new to said lifestyle

If you are new, don't claim to be a master. Perhaps it is a matter of semantics for me, but embrace the fact that you are new and learning. You need a good, solid foundation before you begin to master anything in life. Everyone here was new at one point or another, it takes time to learn and grow, to find your likes and dislikes, and what is practical and impractical.

quote:

and i was brought up on a foundation of equality. i understand letting go of my old "gentlemanly" habits is paramount

BDSM is a relationship like any other, and unlike any other. Double talk? Kind of, yes, but no less true. I too was raised believing in equality, and I still do believe in that. Why you think that has to go out the door is beyond me. Now, if you simply mean that you must adjust the wiring in your head to mold yourself into the dominant you would like to be, sure... I get that.

Never forget something, being a dominant doesn't mean that you must be an asshole, you can still be a gentleman, and in fact, you should be a gentleman. It makes that transition to the sadistic fuck all the more pleasurable... at least it does for me anyway.

quote:

i request some advice and proper training to bring this side out of me

It has been said on these boards many times before, you either are a dominant or you are not. No one can train you to be one. If you mean simply that you want advice and training to embrace the dominant that you know you are, that is different. I have always been dominant, but you would not have known it because there were some very powerful women around me my whole life. I came into my own after my divorce and discovered what I knew all along, and I never looked back.

quote:

so i can treat my slave how they should be and crave to be treated.

You have gotten great advice already. I will just stress a few things to you. First of all, be yourself. You are who you are, don't try to be something you are not. There are varying roles within the catchall BDSM "umbrella", find yours. Beware of labels... meaning, your version of "Master" may differ greatly from mine or others. Find what works for you and do that.

Before I ever lay a hand on a submissive, I discuss, at length, likes, dislikes, hard and soft limits, health concerns, potential triggers and so on. Communication is the key here. Understand this, after this discussion takes place, then I am in control of what happens when I do lay hands on my sub. I operate within the discussed limitations, but my sub has no fucking clue what is going to happen, all she knows is that she can trust me. The communication does not end there... after playtime is over, I will discuss what we did and based on feedback, I can adjust what I am doing.

Be patient. If you are new, this will take some time. Don't rush into something you may not be prepared for quite yet. If you are just looking to get some kinky sex, that's fine, but playing with feathery handcuffs is one thing, playing with real ones is another. If you want to get into this because you think that kinky women are easy... yeah... not so much. They may well be "easy" but they also know what they are looking for and because this is the Internet, they can be picky... and I do not blame them.

Read a lot. The book list that Resident Sadist linked to you is a wealth of information. And don't just read books on being dominant, read a few books about being a submissive too, it's good to know both sides of this dynamic.

I wish you all the best in your journey.

Edited to add: *sigh* I should have looked at the date on the OP. Oh well.

< Message edited by Gauge -- 8/12/2016 10:25:06 AM >

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to duskraven39)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 8/12/2016 11:13:49 AM

Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: duskraven39
... i understand letting go of my old "gentlemanly" habits is paramount ...

First I would suggest not starting off with any preconceived notions of what it means to be a Dominant. Domination is all about assertiveness, confidence and control... not the least of which, self control. If it is in you to be a Dominant, then it is for you to explore what that means to you, and what you derive from it.

Other than that... I would just caution that poor punctuation and a lack of attention to detail when writing does not reflect well on the Dominant, in my opinion. Take some care with that.

And be aware that a submissive has as much to teach a Dom about being Dominant, as the Dominant has to teach the submissive about submission... in keeping with the other good advice above.

< Message edited by Bhruic -- 8/12/2016 11:16:43 AM >

_____________________________

pronounced "VROOick"

(in reply to duskraven39)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 8/13/2016 5:17:14 AM

Posts: 420
Joined: 4/7/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge

Edited to add: *sigh* I should have looked at the date on the OP. Oh well.

Me too...oops!

_____________________________

"You are THE MAN!!" - some_random_internet_asshole
"You're not a very nice bunny" - some_random_internet_asshole's_sock

Wanna chocolate raisin?

Previously known as 'myotherself' or simply 'da bunny'

(in reply to Gauge)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 8/13/2016 7:47:12 AM

Posts: 9362
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline

DesFIP We are equal. I am an integral part of the relationship. So our value is equal..well up to there…what really a good answer….

I am the electromagnetic spectrum..the rainbow bit of my profile is a trick btw,

There is no such thing as a master or slave trust me.

There exists a vast abundance of bad stereotypes, misconceptions and so on.

Your profile and lack of creature warrants no more words from me

(in reply to Bunnicula)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 8/13/2016 11:26:15 AM

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: duskraven39

Hello my fellow masters. i regret to inform you that, while im very interested in becoming a master for a wanton slave and that i find this life style very appealing, i am very new to said lifestyle and i was brought up on a foundation of equality. i understand letting go of my old "gentlemanly" habits is paramount i request some advice and proper training to bring this side out of me so i can treat my slave how they should be and crave to be treated. thank you for your time.

I read this and got an image of a skinny dude wearin combat boots.. naked save a leather collar and leather cuffs..hands behind back, on knees, head bowed..and it made me want to beat you.

I never was a gentleman though and I don't often get accused of being a lady..a charge I would vehemently deny if such were leveled.

My point in this is for you to do what comes naturally..the ones who follow you naturally are your pool. If you are a gentleman..then be that otherwise the mask you want to wear will slip and then it will all go to shit.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to duskraven39)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 8/13/2016 1:52:09 PM

Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

Run. You'll find naught here but mental illness and social ineptitude.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to duskraven39)

RE: Seeking help and training to be a better DOM. - 8/17/2016 3:58:01 PM

Kana

Posts: 6671
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

First off - Why do you think that you can't be a Gentleman and a Sadist?

I for one, always take care to call her "My Dear" and try to sip my tea with a finger pointing out when I am beating her into a bleeding sobbing ragged mess on the floor.
Though, I must confess, I do find it rather tawdry when she stains my broughams with her insipid tears

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Awareness)

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Seeking help and training to be a better DOM.

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.219