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Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 6:47:08 PM   
LiliesDoGrow


Posts: 106
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		I place this query out to the brilliant posters of CM who show remarkable talent in sorting out stuff.

I have no one in my life to discuss this with. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome many years ago due to a few unfortunate encounters with nasty people as a child and teenager. Being the survivor that I strive to be, I worked diligently to rise above the muck that almost buried me.

I was alone and self reliant by age 13. I'm self educated. Self suffiencient. Self everything never relying on anyone for anything emotionally or financially. Married for 20 years, but was not at all submissive in this relationship. I took care of him, the household,  our children, everything, we even were into bdsm practices, but I was my own person. I knew deeply that it would be detrimental for me to live how I felt, to be vulnerable and trusting towards a man.

Without going into brutal boring details, I was assaulted and left for dead several years ago by a man I felt I could trust with my being. I knew him for three years. As soon as I let down my guard, placed my trust, love, heart, submission in his hands, he turned into a different person. (Yeah, the story that never ends.)

Since then, I've suffered severe panic attacks to the point of passing out. Although I am on this site, (mostly enjoying the forums and the wisdom written here,) I am absolutely empty inside where it comes to wishing to submit to a man ever again. Which surprises me because I usually can bounce back from adversity. I'm mad at myself for allowing another to cause my spirit to diminish .I'm angry, hateful, teary and depressed most days with this feeling of dread and hopelessness that never goes away. I've talked to therapist about the attack, but it's difficult when they don't understand how deeply I had to go into my inner resources to release my well honed control in order to be the submissive that I felt this "man" deserved and desired only to be beaten up like piece of worthless meat.  It was the hardest decision I've made to this date to give over my trust.

How has anyone else handled a situation where they felt that perhaps they are too wounded for this "lifestyle"?

(Forgive me. I've not worded this post how I wish my feelings to come across. Part of my problem since the attack is the inability to communicate on the level I was able to prior to my injuries. I hope I made some sense.)

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 7:01:05 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		You communicated your pain just fine lillies.  Sorry such a rotten things have happened to you.  Your spirit is quite resourceful and resilient in coming here after such trauma.  Counseling is a must for you if peace is to come, however please find a therapist that is kink aware.  So many times those therapist that do not know this life are unable to understand the fullness of submission and frequently transfer their fears onto the clients.  I agree the diagnosis of PTSD is accurate but the underlying current difficulties are possibly grief related.  I don't know you so can't and won't make a diagnosis just will encourage you to find the kink aware therapist that has a clue what grief and its side effects are.  Your trust as a child, teen and adult was violated time and again so giving submission right now is as you say not something you wish to do.  I do get the feeling you are also grieving the loss of the life in many ways and again therapy therapy therapy is the way i recommend.  Hopefully i have not been intrusive in your pain and if i can help with finding a kink aware professional please privately email me.  Otherwise i can only tell you my heart goes out to you and hope that someday regardless of your lifestyle your mind is able to heal.  Thank you also for sharing since it reminds me how important it is to keep oneself safe regardless of how long one knows their partner.  God bless you.

(in reply to LiliesDoGrow)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 7:01:19 PM   
eruditegirl1


Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline 		I think you portrayed your experience and expressed yourself quite well.....Although I may not understand what you have gone through....I couldn't just read this post and move on without some kind of response....you have really put yourself out there...which is stepping stone....I know it's easier to post to to a message board than to face people with this....but..the point is you did reach out...it may not be to another Dom....or person sitting next to you....but it is a reach nonetheless....maybe your baby step today will bring a few more steps closer to healing....I truley wish you peace and solitude.... void of all the anger and the fear....

(in reply to LiliesDoGrow)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 7:07:51 PM   
LiliesDoGrow


Posts: 106
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you Diamonddreamlove.

The therapist I've seen are not kink aware and I've been embarrassed to put it on the table the exact nature of the relationship. (Although the attack was not d/s related.) Thank you for your kind offer. Please let me know through private mail where I can find these specialist? I think I'm needing to talk to someone who understands the dynamics of the emotional wounds.

Lily.

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 7:09:50 PM   
LiliesDoGrow


Posts: 106
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you Eruditegirl.

It was and is difficult for me to express this part of myself. My heart is still beating fast and I'm not sure if I'll keep the post up. But I thank you for your compassion.

Lily

(in reply to eruditegirl1)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 7:10:58 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline 		"I shall not play for the sole reason of obligation or expectation. I shall play only as my passion moves me to play. I shall enter into the moments of SM to feed an honest hunger, and not for the sake of wanton and destructive gluttony."
 
by Midori: (essay: Why SM? book: Wild Side Sex)

I don't know how helpful these words will be for you. The healing you must do is far more intense than anything I've been burdened with, so forgive me if this quote seems trivial.

I just wanted to share it, because it makes a lovely reminder to me when I feel burnt out from seeking to find what I want in this lifestyle. It reminds me what BDSM is supposed to mean for me.

Good luck in your journey.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to LiliesDoGrow)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 7:18:11 PM   
LiliesDoGrow


Posts: 106
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for the quote Cin. It's quite pertinent.

I'm okay on the sidelines for now. Perhaps someday, but for now I'll just heal and learn to be okay with myself again.

Lily

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 7:29:47 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LiliesDoGrow

Thank you for the quote Cin. It's quite pertinent.

I'm okay on the sidelines for now. Perhaps someday, but for now I'll just heal and learn to be okay with myself again.

Lily
My heart goes out to you...I admire your strength, and fortitude.especially after reading the above statement,to me this says you are dealing with your pain with a great deal of self awareness....I am glad you will seek a kink aware therapist, thus you will be able to fully be able to inform therapist of who you truly are and where you are coming from,and thus enable him/her to be able to fully help you in return...I wish you the best...be well...Tempting

(in reply to LiliesDoGrow)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 7:42:06 PM   
Owned1


Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline 		Lily, you have expressed yourself extreemly well,  do not worry about what words you use, they will be understood.  Assistance, support and advice on these forums as far as i have seen is genuine and great.  As others have said you have great strength from what you have been dealt in your life, to have survived to this point and still have the desire to continue. 

We all have burdens to bear, some of us are able to work through them other choose to let the burdens over take their lives.  Neither is easy but one path will lead you to a better live.  From what you have said this is the path you have chosen to take.

A therapist does not always need to be kink friendly, i would suggest in your situation as you said the attack was not D/s related you would do well with any therapist.  Work through what you have been through that will give you the freedom to work on the future with a clear mind and path.

Trust can only come over time with another, and if that person is genuine they will wait whatever time it takes.  By being open and honest with that person from the outset as to what you are looking for, and reminding them you need to take time is the best way to be.

As well you may not be able to venture into the BDSM aspects of this life for quite a while.  You may wish to work only on the D/s aspects, with much love tenderness and caring thrown in.  When you feel safe and secure then you can move as you feel you are able.

As a sub/slave you do not give up all of yourself, you have rights and obligations, you however are not a doormat to be used abused and thrown away.

Keep reading the posts, make connections with those who you feel comfortable with  and enjoy life.  So long as you are moving forward you are moving and healing. 

If you ever need to talk(type) feel free to contact me.

All the best   (hugs)

owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 7:44:55 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LiliesDoGrow

Thank you for the quote Cin. It's quite pertinent.

I'm okay on the sidelines for now. Perhaps someday, but for now I'll just heal and learn to be okay with myself again.

Lily


You're welcome. Time away from this lifestyle doesn't have to mean the end. It sounds like a wise decision.

A suggestion: You may consider, while taking a break from D/s, to continue reading books about it, going to play parties just to watch, or help the organizers, or spend the time making platonic lifestyle friends. Then when you're ready again, it's not so hard to jump back into the pool.

It may help you not feel as though you have lost or given up something, simply put it away until you are ready for it again.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to LiliesDoGrow)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 7:49:32 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LiliesDoGrow

I place this query out to the brilliant posters of CM who show remarkable talent in sorting out stuff.

I have no one in my life to discuss this with....


This "lifestyle" is not the be-all, end-all of anything. Be who you are today. There are some desires you have today and some that you don't. That's fine.

Then tomorrow will come. It might be a little better or a little worse than today but no point in grappling with that until it arrives.

I really hope you can find someone qualified to discuss this with you in a professional setting. Please don't pay too much attention to any advice you get here, including mine. But ESPECIALLY don't pay ANY attention to all the "brilliant" Doms and Dommes who have just read your post and are composing letters to you right now saying that they know exactly how you feel and can give you exactly what you need.

They don't and they can't.

They are bumblers at best, liars most likely, and very possibly the wrong kind of Very Bad People. The more convincing they sound the more likely it is that they are the Bad People. But you are a Good Person and deserve nothing less in your friends and companions.

Take baby steps and remember to give yourself credit for every inch of progress, every happy, un-scared hour spent; every toxic person avoided. Endure the bad parts and enjoy the good parts.

You can be contented and secure some day but it will come gradually and things will go a little backwards sometimes. You can be contented and secure as a submissive or as a not-submissive. Both options are equally fine.

Your mind is going to sometimes go to where it wants to go. You can learn to reel it in but you can't stop it from going there sometimes; and it isn't a failure for you when it does, any more than a fever is a failure for a person who has the flu. It just is what it is and the fevers can be fewer as you gradually get healthier.

Your body is easier to control than your mind sometimes. Try each day to walk it through the sorts of steps that the safe, happy person you want to be would take. Once your body get's the hang of living a nice life it is easier for your mind to settle in to the new groove--instead of the old ruts.

And Lilie, if I sound convincing it may very well be because I am one of the Bad People. It may be because I am the kind of person who would gleefully fuck you over just for the fun of seeing you destroyed. Maybe I am giving you this warning because I know it is the first step toward gaining your trust enough to enjoy the horror in your eyes six months from now as I nail what's left of you to a tree and walk away saying: "Hey. I warned you."

Please don't put your trust in me or any of the other yayhoos around here. I recommend leaving this place behind for a good bit, expecially since you aren't feeling those submissive urges these days anyway. Find some nice wholesome places focused on the healthy desires you are feeling. You can always come back here when the time is right--if that is the way things go.

Most important: find someone qualified and safe to sit face-to-face with and talk to them. Whatever time or trouble it may cost you will be small compared to the value of the security and contentment you will one day find with just the right sort of qualified, professional help and the Grace which will flow to you from whatever power it is that you believe in--if you can just love yourself enough to let it squeeze in.


Go slow, but have faith.

Because it's true, you know: Lilies do grow.




(in reply to LiliesDoGrow)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 8:04:50 PM   
outlier


Posts: 1111
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline 		Noah,

If anyone ever wants to start a pole about the best posts ever
on these boards I would give this one of yours serious consideration!

Outlier

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 8:09:43 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I have suffered from PTSD in the past,. My story is not as traumatic as yours, but it stems from my teenage years and dealing with unexpressed grief. My panic disorder was also not as severe as yours, but I have also suffered from panic and anxiety. If you ever need to talk about anything please feel free to email me on the other side, they are doing dramatic things to treat PTSD with much success. It is a wonderful first step to realize you do not have to live this way and it is possible to overcome all of it. I do not know if I can tell you how to overcome it, but it sounds as though you have the resources to come to terms with what has happened eventually. Like I said, if you would like to talk about controlling PTSD, and treatments, please feel free to contact me.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LiliesDoGrow)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 8:21:53 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Lilly, you expressed yourself very well!
Hopefully that reptile who did that to you has a big unwanted  "fuck buddy" in jail for a long time!
You're a survivor and you sound like a very strong person as well.
Whatever happened it is NOT your fault. That guy was just a creep.
As others have said counciling will help and also just living your life everyday and of course talking to people in here.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 8:45:50 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: outlier

Noah,

If anyone ever wants to start a pole about the best posts ever
on these boards I would give this one of yours serious consideration!

Outlier


I add my vote. Wiser words are rarely heard.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to outlier)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 8:51:03 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: outlier

Noah,

If anyone ever wants to start a pole about the best posts ever
on these boards I would give this one of yours serious consideration!

Outlier


You took the words right out of my Mouth....
Thank you and Noah.

Q

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to outlier)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 9:28:29 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Beautiful compassionate post from Noah!

Dear Lilies,
I do volunteer work with abused and neglected unmentionables. One of the things we sometimes do is ask them to write a story, akin to a fiary tale where they are the main character and the people who have hurt them in their life are the monsters, werewolves, witches, and horrible beasts. They describe in graphuc detail (sometimes w/ accompanying drawings) just what happened to them at the hands of the monsters, but then somewhere in the story they are empowered to overcome the monsters and defeat them. This is a method that has also been known to work on adults, plus it can be creative and interesting. I am so sorry for what has happened to you.

P.S. I am not one of theBad people (really)! God bless and good luck.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 9:42:16 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: How has anyone else handled a situation where they felt that perhaps they are too wounded for this "lifestyle"?


First let me pre-qualify that i am a yahoo and a bumbler and i have absolutely been so wounded to ever feel i could ever re-enter D-life with he same passion and the same trust.
 
what i did was give myself time, i had been told wait a year, it seemed like a very long time, and that i would never make it but it was actually effortless once i had set my intention, much easier the dieting has ever been.
 
second i said as the year was coming to an end that i would allow my self to know when i was ready, and suddenly almost a year to the day i felt horney again. strange but true.
 
then i decided maybe vanilla would be safer, believe it or not i do recommend this , because it was safer, to much safer and as i began to get my sea-legs back i realized it was too damn safe i needed more ...
 
i let my body and heart dictate my relationships, i took much more care in initiation, i really thought about what i wanted and if the person did not measure up i kicked them out.
 
i got a dog i found this to be very helpful so that i did not cohabitate with another from loneliness,
 
i got lots of sex toys *see above reason*
 
i did things that gave me self esteem i invested in my career, did volunteer work, invested myself in friendships  but not if they became unhealthy.
 
i got a Live-strong rubber band and wore it not only as a reminder of how i was going to live my life, but to remind me, fuck i dont have cancer, i am not bald or boob-less, i am fat and i can fix that when and if i ever want to, but there are folks that were worse off then me showing way more courage and strength and that is where i wanted to be, that is where i focused.
 
and i began to retell my "victim story" in a way that i took full responsibility for everything that happened to me, took from my experience growth, maturity and powerful transformational life lessons and in do ing that i stopped investing in a need to be right, or a need to feel hurt, but i began investing in a need to feel strong, a need to be whole and god fucking dammit a need to be loved and to love again.
 
it happens naturally , organically, all living things do heal, all lillies do grow....
 
i wish you well and bid you peace....Amy
 
ps i would love to send you one of these live strong bands if you dont have one, email me with your addy



_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to LiliesDoGrow)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 10:04:44 PM   
pissdoll


Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline 		Lily,

i wouldn't say my experience is the same as yours, however i did have scars from a past bdsm relationship.  i never had ptsd, although it took me a few years to break myself of many habits that were formed and to get him out of my head. 
i can remember living in my apartment a year after my relationship was over and a friend called and asked me to go to an impromptu picnic.  of course i couldn't go; there weren't plans and i didn't have permission...then suddenly the lightbulb went off that it was okay for me to make decisions, it was okay for me to continue my education, to have friends...and that life, indeed, would go on.  everything became better from that day forward.
i would love a 24/7 again, but at the same time, i generally put myself into situations where that type of relationship is not viable for me.  on purpose, i suppose. 
your timeline is your timeline...and you will be ready when you feel that you are.  until then, learn to love yourself a little bit more every day.  you won't always feel like this.

(in reply to LiliesDoGrow)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Lacking sub hunger - 7/21/2006 10:11:41 PM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline 		The past is dead.

Will you make it your future?

(in reply to LiliesDoGrow)
Profile   Post #: 20
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