RE: What am I? (Full Version)

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Danemora -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:31:43 AM)

~FRing it~

Good Lord, why the fuck are you asking a group of strangers on a damned internet forum what you are? You define yourself.

And why, after you ask, do you insist on quibbling over each and every answer they give? You asked them




Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:32:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl







I do appreciate this feedback, but I've heard the exact opposite from some very prominent and respected posters on this very message board.



Oh, in that case just ignore what I wrote..if it doesn't reasonate, no worries. You have already heard from the people who matter and it seemed to bother you. I am probably just wrong. ::chuckles::




No, not what I'm saying at all. What you said resonates with me almost to a T. But why is there the complete opposite view? What am I missing? It seems to be a no brainer to them, submission comes with no struggle or work, it just is. What is that all about?

You say submissives are notorious control freaks, what does that mean? That seems contradictory. Am I missing what you mean there too?

I'm more confused now then when I started exploring a year ago.



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:35:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Danemora

~FRing it~

Good Lord, why the fuck are you asking a group of strangers on a damned internet forum what you are? You define yourself.

And why, after you ask, do you insist on debating each and every answer they give?



I'm trying to understand. Why does anyone debate anything? And I don't think I'm debating, doesn't debate imply I have a set opinion and am trying to convince others of that opinion? I have no clear opinion and I'm lost, that's why I'm reaching out on a bdsm board to those with more experience and knowledge.

Ha, you edited debating to quibbling, not fair :p



Chaska -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:39:38 AM)

Op, If you rely on people from the internet to define what you are or what you are not, you will stay in a state of utter confusion and frustration. Explorer, live, learn and grow, life's a journey of self discovery.



Alecta -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:41:28 AM)

quote:

It seems to be a no brainer to them, submission comes with no struggle or work, it just is. What is that all about?


That's because the labels are flawed. They are convenient words to explain concepts but they are also actually very broad and varied.

It may help your understanding to think of submission as an inert orientation, like being lesbian, bisexual or hetrosexual. It doesn't define your personality. It only really defines a single aspect of the kind of person you feel attracted to. It is not a universal rulebook. Some people choose to engage with both genders for whatever reason, some are just naturally attracted to both. It's defined by certain broad strokes, but more in the way of "if you're into girls AND boys you are bisexual" and less "you're bisexual therefore you should be into both boys and girls", if that makes sense.

And lol you should take your fingers out of your ears and listen to some of the lifestyle subs. It does NOT come without struggle or work.

(ETA for autocorrect and clarity)



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:42:20 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Chaska

Op, If you rely on people from the internet to define what you are or what you are not, you will stay in a state of utter confusion and frustration. Explorer, live, learn and grow, life's a journey of self discovery.

Yes, very true. But it's not just Internet people, it's been people I interact with in the real world too. Men I've been with, friends I've talked to. Often the men were trying to guilt me into doing what they wanted me too, and I saw through that. But my friends seem to genuinely want to help me and their advice lead to me dumping my ex Daddy and I'm more miserable than ever. He didn't want to stop seeing me but I was convinced I wasn't submissive enough or compliant enough and broke it off.



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:44:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

quote:

It seems to be a no brainer to them, submission comes with no struggle or work, it just is. What is that all about?


That's because the labels are flawed. They are convenient words to explain concepts but they are also actually very broad and varied.

It may help your understanding to think of submission as an innate orientation, like being lesbian, bisexual or hetrosexual. It doesn't define your personality. It only really defines a single aspect of the kind of person you feel attracted to. It is not a universal rulebook. It's defined by certain broad strokes, but more in the way of "if you're into girls AND boys you are bisexual" and less "you're bisexual therefore you should be into both boys and girls", if that makes sense.



That does help. Like when a guy comes out as gay and idiots say "but you don't act gay." Like who the fuck are are to tell the guy he isn't acting gay so can't possibly be gay.

Edit: but I personally know asexuals who identify as submissives and who aren't attracted to anyone but submit in other ways to designated Dominants. :/



Alecta -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:48:36 AM)

quote:

but I personally know asexuals who identify as submissives and who aren't attracted to anyone but submit in other ways to designated Dominants. :/


What does sexual orientation have to do with D/s orientation?

quote:

"but you don't act gay."


Yes, but it's worth emphasizing that that's not the same statement as, in this context, "but you are sexually attracted to girls"



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:49:56 AM)

I agree with Bita in that it isn't your personality as such.

But to be successful, on either side of the kneel, it does usually lend itself to those with a natural aptitude for the position they choose for themselves.

For example, you can learn to play a musical instrument; but you'll find it hard going to ever make it big time if you aren't naturally gifted as a musician because it'll always be terribly hard work and/or frustrating.

The same goes for being a sub or a slave or a dominant.
Anyone can play at it and do scenes, sometimes successfully.
But to make any sort of long-term relationship based on one side or the other being successful requires a natural aptitude to do whatever.
Just like dominants can be dominants, but not every one can be a natural leader and inspire others to follow them.
It's subtle, but there is a distinct difference.

I think you want to be submissive because it feels right for you in your fantasy.
But, for whatever reason, you can't deal with all the other aspects of being a sub for any length of time because your natural bossiness ripples to the surface.
Perhaps you should stick to scening rather than relationships.
Some people are like that.
It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's just the way you are.
I think you are over-complcating the issue and probably over-thinking everything.

And debating means to examine both sides of the coin; not that you have a fixed opinion and wanting to convince others.
Fantasy isn't always in your head, in books or films, or role-playing/acting either.
It can also mean trying to achieve something beyond your abilities.

Alecta had some good points - especially at the end.


Bottom line is: it's your choice to make.
However, if you can't deal with it properly, you either change your position, choose different playmates, or give up on the whole idea.
Nobody is going to spell it out for you and present it on a silver platter.
Because, quite honestly, we can't - we are not YOU.
Like a lot of things in life, it's trial and error until you hit the jackpot or give it up as a bad job.
It's as simple (or as hard/complicated) as that.



BitaTruble -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:59:15 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl
No, not what I'm saying at all. What you said resonates with me almost to a T.


I know..that's why I chuckled. I usually give more weight to words which reasonate with me but ymmv.

quote:

But why is there the complete opposite view? What am I missing? It seems to be a no brainer to them, submission comes with no struggle or work, it just is. What is that all about?


I have no clue. I think it's weird. People are telling you that you're not submissive, have no hope..listen to that or not is up to you but in my view following that advice and getting out is a mistake that you would regret in the future especially if you give up so quickly.

quote:

You say submissives are notorious control freaks, what does that mean? That seems contradictory. Am I missing what you mean there too?


That would make an excellent thread! You should start one.

(See what I did there? Control freak in action. Lol)

quote:

I'm more confused now then when I started exploring a year ago.


Natural and normal and it will ebb and flow for a good long while yet but baby steps still get you places so just keep walking and crawl when you need..just don't stop.




Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 9:05:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl
No, not what I'm saying at all. What you said resonates with me almost to a T.


I know..that's why I chuckled. I usually give more weight to words which reasonate with me but ymmv.



I tend not to because I fear confirmation bias. Of course I'd agree with what I already think, it's the times when I'm challenged and that cognitive dissonance nags at me that I self reflect and examine if my view really is correct. I'm not afraid to admit I'm wrong though I may fight it. It's too easy to live in an echo chamber of like minded opinions from agreeable individuals, but I only thrive and grow when I'm challenged. I'm very open to ammendment even if I'm naturally stubborn. :p



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 9:06:01 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

quote:

but I personally know asexuals who identify as submissives and who aren't attracted to anyone but submit in other ways to designated Dominants. :/


What does sexual orientation have to do with D/s orientation?

quote:

"but you don't act gay."


Yes, but it's worth emphasizing that that's not the same statement as, in this context, "but you are sexually attracted to girls"


You said it's who one is attracted to, I assumed you meant sexually and you used sexual orientation as an example. My apologies if I misunderstood.



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 9:11:30 AM)

Did you follow her other threads Bita??
All 300+ posts on them?

Because throughout all of them she was in a 5-month relationship with horrendous jealousy and anger issues and making the whole thing toxic.

Hence the advice was to get out, take a step back and fix herself first.
I don't think that was 'giving up quickly'.
We never advocated that there was no hope - just not in that particular relationship with a non-performing dominant.

Perhaps you should read all her other posts to get the picture before saying it's something she'll regret because you seem to have jumped-in without knowing any of the background.


To OP: you are on a path of discovery - more of yourself than of others.
Take your time. Think. Evaluate. Then think again.
Take things one at a time and recognise when it's time to jump ship and find another.
Some people spend all their lives searching and not find the right one.



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 9:16:57 AM)

Well that's depending FD, :p
I found the right husband. The right Dom can't be that difficult.......maybe........



DarkSteven -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 9:19:34 AM)

Greatlilbabygirl, your approach here bothers me. You know who you are, and you articulate it well.

You are very concerned about which label applies to you. Why? If you were to call yourself a Domme, for example, how would your life change?

Labels should fit people. People shouldn't fit labels.



Alecta -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 9:19:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl
I found the right husband. The right Dom can't be that difficult.......maybe........


This is an interesting statement.... your "right husband" is submissive, by your description.

Finding something is always all kinds of difficult when you're looking in the wrong places. You won't find eggs in the vegetable aisle!



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 9:21:02 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl

Well that's depending FD, :p
I found the right husband. The right Dom can't be that difficult.......maybe........

I would even question that opening statement too. lol.

If he was 'the right husband', you'd be playing with him instead of looking elsewhere for your fun.

Finding your ideal match is not an easy thing in real life.



WickedsDesire -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 9:21:18 AM)

Danemora you know why. But people are entitled to ask what they want and throw in their opinion as they see fit.

What I see here, I think, is someone vulnerable, or in a state of confusion as Chaska said.
Sometimes there is no real difference. And it is unlikely she can ever change. Not impossible, just rather unlikely

Using stuff and things like
1. To further complicate things I took the bdsm.org
The problem with these tests are few people are true honest so they give the answer they feel they should or to fin on a specific conclusion. Take the test five minutes, a day later and it will return a different answer. Or have someone who truly knows you take the test with you
2. More experienced lifestyles - another poor nugget imo – but you have so many people’s opinions


Surround yourself with better people; Quality, not quantity, although I do not think you can tell the difference, nor will ever be able to so. It is unlikely you will change whoever you are, and stop (absolute)labelling - then whipping out a plethora of other peoples labels of whom you are.

You have one person, fair enough. How many others do you need and why? 1,2 10 and duration and for what purposes



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 9:30:23 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Greatlilbabygirl, your approach here bothers me. You know who you are, and you articulate it well.

You are very concerned about which label applies to you. Why? If you were to call yourself a Domme, for example, how would your life change?

Labels should fit people. People shouldn't fit labels.

Thanks. And true. I want my label though, if just to communicate to others what to expect and how we can match.



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 9:32:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl
I found the right husband. The right Dom can't be that difficult.......maybe........


This is an interesting statement.... your "right husband" is submissive, by your description.

Finding something is always all kinds of difficult when you're looking in the wrong places. You won't find eggs in the vegetable aisle!

He's driven, intelligent, a good father (he's always been great with kids so I knew he'd be a great dad), funny, talented, steadfast, fun, and has a cute butt. I didn't know about his submissive sexual tendency until after we married. He was a virgin. :/



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