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Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 10:14:55 AM

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My mistress is now training me to be her FT slave, and I'm finding it difficult to stop crying, mostly due to being new to BDSM and feelings of inadequacy.

I can handle/enjoy the physical punishments, but the emotional attacks are devastating... I keep getting flashes of my childhood and it always pushes me into tears. I accept this because of the masochistic thrill of it and tell myself it's just part of the training/putting me in my place, but I broke down in tears about 4 times today, in between periods of just staring into space feeling depressed. She hates the tears and she hates my staring. I try to do better, but the more I try not to, the harder it is to stop.

She wants me to be happy about my punishments, and seems to think that more beatings will help me to stop crying so much... they really do take the edge off and I don't want to have to go through the process of finding someone else who can do it like she can... but I don't have enough experience to know if this is out of the ordinary or I'm just being a baby.

So I guess my question is: Is this normal? Is she right about the beatings helping me with suppressing my tears?

< Message edited by heavyblinker -- 10/6/2016 10:33:29 AM >

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 10:38:40 AM

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she needs to have a good talk with you on the following:

1. What kind of slave does she want you to be? The "boyfriend on outside and slave inside" or "a slave and companion, not worthy to be her lover" or "a slave in love with her but knows he cannot hope to be her lover". Once this is properly established, you will have an easier time knowing how to relate to her. Sounds like part of your problem is you are confused about what she expects from you; it sounds from your description that she wants the last, but the answer should come from her, we don't know what is in her mind. Does she want you to feel like you're failing to be her lover/companion? Or does she just want you to recognise you are not good enough to even be in her consideration? Knowing this answer could do much in helping you understand how you should respond, and ease the confusion.

2. She needs to address your anxiety and childhood flashbacks. These sound like real issues and not a simple case of whinging. Sometimes it's hard for someone involved with you to realise it right away when you have a real problem and not just being a crybaby. You need to let her know about the flashbacks and anxiety attacks, and you two need to work through it together.

3. Feeling anxious about making mistakes is normal. You cannot expect her to coddle you through that fear, and you cannot let that fear stop you. The only responsible thing you can do is to do the best you can. Communicate your fear of failure to her and see what she says. You may have to adjust your expectations of your own success.

Only you can say if she is right about the beatings helping the tears. You said so yourself that they help you take the edge off. Every slave is a little different.

< Message edited by Alecta -- 10/6/2016 10:42:28 AM >

(in reply to heavyblinker)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 10:45:07 AM

Posts: 3623
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Thank you Alecta.
:)

I think I'm more like a pet to her and I know I don't have any chance of being her boyfriend... I've accepted that role. But she feels the need to reinforce it by telling me over and over that no one else would ever want me, saying that past girlfriends were out of my league, etc.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for this whole thing.

< Message edited by heavyblinker -- 10/6/2016 11:47:50 AM >

(in reply to Alecta)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 10:48:08 AM

Greatlilbabygirl

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Be happy with punishment? I do not understand this..punishment is supposed to not be a pleasant thing. Unless you are confusing an intense impact/play session with punishment. Punishment is an uncomfortable unpleasant actions used to modify and correct an undesirable behavior. You aren't supposed to enjoy or be happy about it. I think you really need to talk to her, this looks like a serious lack of communication and misunderstanding.

(in reply to Alecta)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 11:38:56 AM

Posts: 3623
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl

Be happy with punishment? I do not understand this..punishment is supposed to not be a pleasant thing. Unless you are confusing an intense impact/play session with punishment. Punishment is an uncomfortable unpleasant actions used to modify and correct an undesirable behavior. You aren't supposed to enjoy or be happy about it. I think you really need to talk to her, this looks like a serious lack of communication and misunderstanding.

Yes, I'm confusing those two...

(in reply to Greatlilbabygirl)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 12:09:00 PM

Posts: 14412
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: heavyblinker

Thank you Alecta.
:)

I think I'm more like a pet to her and I know I don't have any chance of being her boyfriend... I've accepted that role. But she feels the need to reinforce it by telling me over and over that no one else would ever want me, saying that past girlfriends were out of my league, etc.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for this whole thing.

Did you discuss limits and issues before you agreed to this dynamic?

I'm with Alecta - the effect of the humiliation play needs to be addressed - and no...giving you more beatings won't help.

Some people can handle humiliation, others aren't wired that way. She's actually doing harm....and apparently doesn't know enough to realize it.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to heavyblinker)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 12:28:30 PM

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Joined: 1/19/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: heavyblinker

I think I'm more like a pet to her and I know I don't have any chance of being her boyfriend... I've accepted that role. But she feels the need to reinforce it by telling me over and over that no one else would ever want me, saying that past girlfriends were out of my league, etc.

Stop. It's no use you wondering about her intentions, it needs to come from her. Only she can tell you accurately what the case is and how she expects you to react. Everything starts with talking to HER.

Oside, whether the beatings help or not is a deeply personal thing for the masochistics and submissives. It's not for us to blindly generalise and say.

< Message edited by Alecta -- 10/6/2016 12:31:03 PM >

(in reply to heavyblinker)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 12:47:26 PM

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Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

Oside, whether the beatings help or not is a deeply personal thing for the masochistics and submissives. It's not for us to blindly generalise and say.

If the issue is that the humiliation play is the cause of the tears - it's not tied to the impact play. It's the equivalent of telling someone that they need to do jumping jacks until they drop because they can't read.

I actually think increasing the "beatings" will actually make the situation worse because then he's dealing with the guilt of the "beatings" not improving the situation.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Alecta)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 1:47:29 PM

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It's not uncommon for physical pain to be a coping mechanism for masochists. While I do not disagree that it does not solve his problems, I suspect it helps him process and cope with his reactions to the problems, the same way going for a walk might help most people clear their minds.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 2:31:55 PM

Greatlilbabygirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: heavyblinker

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl

Be happy with punishment? I do not understand this..punishment is supposed to not be a pleasant thing. Unless you are confusing an intense impact/play session with punishment. Punishment is an uncomfortable unpleasant actions used to modify and correct an undesirable behavior. You aren't supposed to enjoy or be happy about it. I think you really need to talk to her, this looks like a serious lack of communication and misunderstanding.

Yes, I'm confusing those two...

K. Just remember punishments are for when you make mistakes and she's trying to correct you and beatings can be for her and your benefit, pleasure, etc. Shoot, she may beat you torture you with your consent just because she likes it and isn't concerned with your pleasure, but unless she says it's punishment it isn't. So that might help you not feel like crying if you know it's not because you did something incorrectly.

Side note, I cry a lot, especially during intense play. I personally couldn't be with a Dom that demanded I not cry. It's cathartic, it helps me handle more intense pain, and it's an involuntary reaction. You may literally not be able to hold back crying. I don't want to make you feel worse, but as your Domme she has to understand a lot of people cry during intense play and it isn't wrong or abnormal.

Why does it bother her so much? I'd think a Sadist would love the tears. :p

(in reply to heavyblinker)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 3:57:23 PM

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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Why did you get involved with someone who causes episodes of PTSD and beats you for having them?
Did she explain that her big thing is degradation and causing low self esteem?

If she did, why did you agree when you knew how badly this made you feel?
Didn't you talk about what you needed and what were things you couldn't tolerate?
Next time, talk about stuff first.

_____________________________

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Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Greatlilbabygirl)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 4:03:11 PM

Posts: 5079
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quote:

ORIGINAL: heavyblinker

My mistress is now training me to be her FT slave, and I'm finding it difficult to stop crying, mostly due to being new to BDSM and feelings of inadequacy.

I can handle/enjoy the physical punishments, but the emotional attacks are devastating... I keep getting flashes of my childhood and it always pushes me into tears. I accept this because of the masochistic thrill of it and tell myself it's just part of the training/putting me in my place, but I broke down in tears about 4 times today, in between periods of just staring into space feeling depressed. She hates the tears and she hates my staring. I try to do better, but the more I try not to, the harder it is to stop.

She wants me to be happy about my punishments, and seems to think that more beatings will help me to stop crying so much... they really do take the edge off and I don't want to have to go through the process of finding someone else who can do it like she can... but I don't have enough experience to know if this is out of the ordinary or I'm just being a baby.

So I guess my question is: Is this normal? Is she right about the beatings helping me with suppressing my tears?

Sounds like there are 2 different things going on here... and if I'm guessing right from the little you've said, it sounds like you were emotionally abused as a child.

It sounds like when your mistress talks like that to you (belittling, humiliating, put- downs, etc) it is triggering a ptsd- type response and you are reliving that emotional abuse of your childhood again.

Separately you are being physically punished/ beaten by your Mistress. Sounds like you weren't physically abused as a child so that the beatings your Mistress gives you allows you to cry without the bad feelings/flashbacks etc.

I think your Mistress is trying to desensitize you to the verbal abuse by also beating you and allowing you to cry it out. I really don't think that you should be subjected to any type of put- downs (you're worthless or the like) if you suffered from that type of bullying behavior in childhood. I do think it is something you need to talk to someone who wants to help you with it. I totally understand what that is like, and it's very deep rooted and something that needs to be dealt with correctly. I can almost guarantee you that being treated that way more will have no positive effect for you. And actually, can make it worse.

(in reply to heavyblinker)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 4:54:47 PM

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FR
If you're not happy, it's not the right relationship for you, tell her goodbye.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

(in reply to tamaka)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 5:54:23 PM

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Joined: 7/28/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: heavyblinker

So I guess my question is: Is this normal? Is she right about the beatings helping me with suppressing my tears?

Leaving off the points about ptsd, and whether this relationship is right for you, seeing that others have addressed that well already...

Whether or not beating will help you cry less all depends on how you respond to beatings, which we can't really tell online because we don't know you. However, suppressing tears will not work. When you cramp down and attempt to suppress tears, all you're doing is focusing more on the reason you're crying, which will increase the urge to cry.

My slave girl cries all the type too, at everything (she cries when she's happy, when she's sad, when she's scared, when she's grateful, etc... she cries(d) a dozen times a day easily). Excessively so, and annoyingly so. We're currently in the process of training her to keep the expression of her emotions more in check, and the most effective tool to teach her to stop crying has been two folded:

A) teach her appropriate ways to express what she's feeling without crying (focus on smiling when happy, talking when sad, etc)
B) teach her to focus on things other than what she's feeling in the moment when her emotions are getting out of hand and overwhelm her

She's got a long ways to go, but has made remarkable progress, and is doing better because of having her emotions more in check in everything she does in life (including work, her family relationship, etc).

Again, I'm not saying that it would be appropriate for *you* to just work on 'not crying' because there's other issues with the situation you're describing, but if you are going to work on not crying, don't do it by attempting suppression.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to heavyblinker)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 6:02:59 PM

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She doesn't like it when you cry.

Humiliation 'play' makes you cry.

If humiliation play is not essential to her enjoyment then her stopping it will also stop the issue.
IF humiliation is essential to her enjoyment then likely the 2 of you are incompatible.

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(in reply to heavyblinker)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 6:25:26 PM

Greatlilbabygirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

She doesn't like it when you cry.

Humiliation 'play' makes you cry.

If humiliation play is not essential to her enjoyment then her stopping it will also stop the issue.
IF humiliation is essential to her enjoyment then likely the 2 of you are incompatible.

Right. I'm still confused why you'd purposefully humiliate someone and then get upset when they cry. I'm guessing shaming him for crying is part of the humiliation and exactly what she wants from him. She sounds like a mental and emotional Sadist. She's mind fucking this guy big time. It almost sounds like abuse. I don't think he understands why she's doing it at all. I'm worried he is in way over his head. I hope she's competent enough to know what she's doing and doing it safely. It all sounds beyond bdsm and going into abusive territory, but I hope I'm wrong.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 6:59:15 PM

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I haven't read all of the responses so I apologize if someone already hit on this -- no pun intended lol.

I don't know what its like but I am thinking the aftermath of subspace. For those who understand it more, isn't the subdrop something that can cause extreme emotion if you aren't brought down correctly, like its an overload of endorphins and your emotions are on overload?

OP, perhaps that's what you are experiencing on some level if she is playing/punishing you and revving you up.

Perhaps you need to discuss aftercare more, that maybe changing that may help your emotional overload.

Or I could be completely off my behind here and wrong because I don't understand subspace or the equivalent of same or even the half life of same. But from what you wrote, I am wondering if there is a much more simpler solution that its physical rather than emotional or mental.

_____________________________

A dominant man is not a man who is content to simply receive submission; a dominant man is not so obliging.

(in reply to Greatlilbabygirl)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 8:17:04 PM

Greatlilbabygirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ohthat1percent

I haven't read all of the responses so I apologize if someone already hit on this -- no pun intended lol.

I don't know what its like but I am thinking the aftermath of subspace. For those who understand it more, isn't the subdrop something that can cause extreme emotion if you aren't brought down correctly, like its an overload of endorphins and your emotions are on overload?

OP, perhaps that's what you are experiencing on some level if she is playing/punishing you and revving you up.

Perhaps you need to discuss aftercare more, that maybe changing that may help your emotional overload.

Or I could be completely off my behind here and wrong because I don't understand subspace or the equivalent of same or even the half life of same. But from what you wrote, I am wondering if there is a much more simpler solution that its physical rather than emotional or mental.

Subspace is as individual as fingerprints. The amount of crying does not indicate a bad or otherwise drop or experience, it's just part of the package for some. I cry some times, sometimes I don't during and after subspace. :p

I think OP is crying because of a trigger related to childhood emotional abuse, not subspace, just based on the little bit of info he's been able to share. I get that, I have my triggers because of that exact thing, but they are hard limits I share upfrount and let my partner know to not go there when doing humiliation play or the play stops.

(in reply to ohthat1percent)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 8:41:29 PM

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You make no sense, you say its as individual as fingerprints but claim it can't possibly be subdrop because you don't do something during yours??

Whatever, my post wasn't for your approval as to my assessment, it was a suggestion the OP as something else to consider if nothing else works.

OP, I hope you find your solution. Another idea is perhaps you and your Mistress talk over the situation with some experienced people in your local community, maybe they could observe your play or scene to and give some incite as to what they observe that may help you and your Mistress cope with the situation or hopefully find a solution or at least a compromise.

Good luck.

_____________________________

A dominant man is not a man who is content to simply receive submission; a dominant man is not so obliging.

(in reply to Greatlilbabygirl)

RE: Can't stop crying... - 10/6/2016 8:53:45 PM

Posts: 5490
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quote:

but claim it can't possibly be subdrop

No she didn't.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

(in reply to ohthat1percent)

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