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UllrsIshtar -> RE: remembering contracts (12/21/2016 12:05:22 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I've always thought the advantage of a contract comes in the writing of it, because it should make you think about it.
That's exactly spot on, at least for us.
Having a yearly renegotiated contract forces us every year to set time aside to spend a few weeks of serious thought about our lives and our relationship. To take stock, and see where we're at, both personally, as well as together, instead of just taking things as they come, and not addressing issues until they come up.
Some years it's super easy. Like this one. It basically came down to us looking over last year's contract, checking off which goals were reached, recommitting to reaching goals that weren't reached and noting the progress made in those areas, and coming up with a few new goals for the next year.
The conclusion about this last year basically was that it's been one of our best years, and it was nice too look back to that in fondness, and to acknowledge how happy we've both been this year.
Other years have been much harder. Including one where we hit a major issue mid-year that caused me to sit my husband down and tell him "You made this commitment to me at the beginning of the year, and instead of going forward, you're going backwards, if this doesn't change, I will not be renewing. You have a deadline." We were at a point then, where, if I'd gone of emotions alone I would have left. I wasn't happy. I felt like I had communicated my unhappiness several times in the past and nothing was changing.
However, sitting him down and laying out my issues in such uncertain terms was exactly the kick in the ass he needed in order to finally take action.
Six months of professional help, and a well prescribed anti-depressant later, enough things had changed at our renewal, that I felt positive enough to commit to giving it another year and see where we'd end up.
If we hadn't had our contract at that time, I suspect that would have happened instead was that I would, for a time, had kept attempting to explain that I was unhappy, and I wanted things to change without really laying it out on the table in those black and white hard terms of "you're going to lose me if you don't do something about this" instead trying to be 'nicer' and 'more supportive'. And he, because of the depression, would have been full of good intentions, but nothing would have changed. So after a while I would have stopped saying something, and then a while later I would have left. And he would have felt that me leaving came out of 'nowhere'.
I've seen that same pattern happen in so many relationships, and I think most people are in it because they don't really want to (or take the time to) think about what is working, and what's not working in their relationship. On a good day, things are good, so you don't want to think about the bad. And on a bad day, you're dealing with what's bad, so you don't have the time and energy to think about the big picture.
So big, reoccurring issues tend to dealt with on a 'what I feel like in the moment' basis. 'I'm mad at you right now about this, so we'll deal with that', without giving thought to the overall pattern that needs to change, because, while you're upset, you don't have the energy to deal with that. Over time, all those separate occasions of feeling upset start to add up, until somebody's had enough and leaves. But the big picture was usually never addressed, so you have no idea where the relationship might have gone, and what might have changed, if it had been.
Of course, not every issue in every relationship was caused by the stuff I laid out above. Sometimes two people just shouldn't be together, and no amount of talking will fix that.
I just know that for us, if our contract wouldn't have forced us to think 'big picture' we would probably no longer be together right now. And that would really such, because the last two years have been the happiest of my life.
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