heavyblinker
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As someone who has been through something similar, there really isn't much you can do about it unless she's also willing to do something about it, and it doesn't sound like she is. I don't know her or anything but it doesn't sound to me like you're distant or closed, so communication issues at this point would to me suggest that she's intentionally avoiding a discussion that could be hurtful or bring up painful truths. Maybe she HAS tried to bring it up with you but you just brushed it off or didn't realize how important it was, so now she's like this. I'm not completely sure that she isn't sending you a message in a roundabout way... because it all sounds really familiar to me.
Sure, it could be exhaustion and kids, but it could also be that she has reached that point where she is just so comfortable with you that the spark has died because there is nothing exciting or mysterious or new about you anymore... and it's more like living with a friend or brother or something. She doesn't seem interested in appearing attractive for you, which wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't interested in appearing attractive to others... that sucks. Believe me, I understand... and I don't blame you for bringing up 'the other side'.
Without that little detail I would have probably thought maybe exhaustion or lack of sex drive, but now I'm not sure. If it's really about her losing her attraction to you, then romantic gestures definitely won't work... I don't know of too many women who would be turned on if their brother took them out for a romantic evening or something. Plus, that sort of thing doesn't really address the problem either... it's superficial at best.
Relationships can always hit the point where everything becomes routine. You can try new things, but the problem is that you both have to agree that the new things are what you want for yourselves-- it's not easy and there's a lot of potential for disagreement. Plus, they have to fit into the schedules you've developed for your kids and lives and budgets and such.
Anyways, she married you, so either there was something there in the beginning that isn't there now, or she thought you were someone you aren't and made a mistake. I don't think it's about your kinks, though if she ignored them because she wanted to believe you were someone else, then it could be that she is just realizing that this is what she has done. Some women aren't really turned on by submissive types... and letting her know about these sorts of desires could be a real turnoff, especially if you approached the relationship differently in the beginning. Maybe she thought you would get over it, or thought that she could spend the rest of her life with you anyways but now she's changed her mind. Bear in mind that subs can be a lot of work, and if she's also taking care of 3 kids, then the thought of ordering a 4th person around could be really unappealing... especially if she isn't so into it to begin with.
Your resentment is building because it's emasculating to be trapped in a marriage with this person who no longer sees you as a man, and you need to be seen that way so you're considering finding someone who will consider you one... it's not immature or selfish, it's human. It's hell to be stuck with someone who goes out of their way to let you know they don't want you, even if they do still think you're 'sweet' or 'a good person'. Sure some people will tell you that you need to be open and honest, but believe me that isn't always a solution... especially if the other person isn't ready to hear it, or if it's part of the problem. There is such a thing as too much openness and too much togetherness I think... it really ruins the mystery and can even be smothering.
I guess you can see that I am still a little bitter about my own version of what you're going through... and of course I'm not an expert and our solution was to break up, which didn't even work well because we were still so dependent on each other emotionally (it was bad because there was so much comfort and trust and all of those modern-day relationship things, but no sex)-- so we had to go all the way to hooking up with other people, which killed it pretty effectively, especially when she expected me to be there when he treated her like shit. There were a lot of problems that we just sort of pushed down or ignored in order to keep the peace, and it helped us achieve a level of comfort and stability-- but the truth is we probably shouldn't have been together.
Cheating isn't the solution... honesty is. A new relationship can fill in a lot of the missing gaps, but it's more like a palette cleanser for washing away the remnants than a fix of any kind.
If it were me, I would probably ask her why she married you, why she wants to appear attractive to others and not you, what she would do if she were in your place, and what she thinks you can do to make things better. Confront this thing head-on. If she isn't ready to deal with it now, then give her time and space. Go out and do things by yourself/with the kids while she isn't around. Take them off of her hands so she can have time to get her shit sorted out, and then if she still cares about the marriage she will do the right thing. If she doesn't, then I don't know... I guess therapy if she's open to it.
I'm not a therapist or anything so you don't have to follow my advice.
< Message edited by heavyblinker -- 2/6/2017 8:06:06 AM >
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