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RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/4/2017 9:38:25 AM

CaptR

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Dear Greta, you have no right to be upset if this man dosen't confide in you. It's his life and as much as you may hate he's in control of it, he doesn't answer to you. Hard to imagine huh?

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RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/4/2017 5:42:10 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptR
Dear Greta, you have no right to be upset if this man dosen't confide in you. It's his life and as much as you may hate he's in control of it, he doesn't answer to you. Hard to imagine huh?

I do have a right to be upset. Friendship is base on trust. There is no friendship without trust.

It's that simple.

(in reply to CaptR)

RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/5/2017 5:48:36 AM

CaptR

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Friendship is also based on respect. He doesn't OWE you shinola, respect that. Just because you confide in him does not guarantee reciprocal action. I'll repeat myself, this man DOES NOT ANSWER TO YOU. Your insistence he HAS to confide in you is beyond troubling. The way you're handling this I wouldn't tell you what I had for dessert. With the stalker-ish behavior you're exhibiting his best course of action is to distance himself from you as quickly as possible. 'Cause you're trouble on the hoof girl. I still think your motive for this thread is jealousy. Is it possible some self reflection (counseling) is in order for you?

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RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/5/2017 6:01:24 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptR

Friendship is also based on respect. He doesn't OWE you shinola, respect that. Just because you confide in him does not guarantee reciprocal action. I'll repeat myself, this man DOES NOT ANSWER TO YOU. Your insistence he HAS to confide in you is beyond troubling. The way you're handling this I wouldn't tell you what I had for dessert. With the stalker-ish behavior you're exhibiting his best course of action is to distance himself from you as quickly as possible. 'Cause you're trouble on the hoof girl. I still think your motive for this thread is jealousy. Is it possible some self reflection (counseling) is in order for you?

I completely disagree with you. Anyway, you have no idea about what was the terms of our friendship.

You are only looking from an angle as if, this is some casual friend.

For me, there are different hierarchy of friends in my life. And he is in the top tier. He is as close to me like my brother is close to me.

So as I said, you are commenting from an angle where you don't understand the dynamic of the type of friendships I have with him and the only way you know how to process this is, is that a friendship like this HAS TO BE romantic. I bet you were never as close to your siblings the way I am close to my siblings.

And by the way? How am I stalking him? What's the stalking part about?

Do you know I know so much about him because he shares with me about everything? From the moment he was considering to employ her, he was showing me her LinkedIn and telling me about her. To his dinner with her, he tells me everything about all that. He has been telling me alot about her. Voluntarily. IF he didn't, I wouldn't even know she exists right? I don't even give a shit about his work. But I know alot because he always talks to me about what's going on in his life without me even asking.

We have a very close friendship where we confine with each other and share about everything that's going on in our lives. It is very difficult for me to trust anybody, but through the years, I grew to trust him.

And this whole thread was simply about, how he was completely denying that it was romantic after everything he told me about her. And I don't understand why he is denying it.

That's it. I even said to him like, "Hey, it's me you are talking to. You don't have to bullshit me about this. You know I am on your team."

I don't see how this is jealousy when IF he admits he is into her. I would have helped him get her. I'd tell him to introduce her to me first, and then I will help them hook up in a way, where she won't feel sexually harassed. With this specific buddy, I have gone out with him many times to be his "wing woman". To hit on other women at clubs. We are buddies. If I like a man, he'll be my "wing man", like he would go start a conversation with the guy and introduce us. I do the same for him with women.

I have helped my own brothers and past male buddies to get women they are interested in by befriending the woman.

For me, it's just a matter of, he insist he has not lied to me and it is just business, like truly and honestly, that he will definitely tell me if he is interested in her for more.

And me doubting it. That's all.

Because on his end, he totally cared to re-explain over and over again, why this is just business and not romantic interest.

If we didn't have our level of friendship where we have always been there for each other.

He wouldn't give a shit about explaining to me like your reaction. Because that would be the behaviour of someone who doesn't give a shit about his friendship with his friend.

Your reaction of "None of your business" is obviously to somebody who is not your close buddy. If you say this to your siblings, your closest circle of friends. I don't know what kind of friendships you have. Because the best kind of friends are the ones you can confine to, and they can be your honest voice of reason. You don't tell them it's none of their business.

I actually do go for regular counselling due to my heavy mom issues. And I told my counsellor about this incident. Because she is a woman. She 100% understood my point my view about this. I know it will be hard for some men to get it especially if they don't have experience with extremely close platonic friendships with women. And she also understands it's a platonic reaction because I have been seeing her for years and she understands more indepth the dynamic of the friendship between me and this dude. Like the closest female to female friendship. If your closest female friend fancies someone and she neglect to tell you. You will feel hurt. Because you just want to support her.

And anyway, what is going on now is. The actions look like he is lying to me. But he might be totally being truthful. But I don't know. That's it. I got trust issues with both male and female friendships so if I caught them in one lie, it jeopardizes the friendship, that's usually how all my friendship ends.

So for me, this incident affects me in a way, where if I don't trust him anymore, then our friendship will be over. But I need to make this choice extremely fairly and not wrongly accuse him. He has never lied to me on a single thing in our entire 6 years of knowing each other. We got along because he was blunt and I was blunt, and we were always able to be blunt with each other. And we both were straight talkers and very open about our lives with each other. And he sat me down, look me in the eye, and told me it's all business. That if there is something more, of course he would tell me. And he really did use the word, "Of Course".

And really, this whole asking other people opinion is to help me make my choice to believe him or not believe. If I choose to believe he is lying to me. I would never talk to him or see him again. Just on the fence about this. This is my personal issue with men or women close friends. I don't trust anybody. And when I trust someone, I really expect total honesty. Or I will feel like, I can't trust them. And all types of relationships is about trust.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 12/5/2017 6:26:18 AM >

(in reply to CaptR)

RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/5/2017 6:43:27 AM

CaptR

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One question, why can't this man have you respect his privacy? Jealousy doesn't have to be romantic in foundation all the time. I hypothesize you are jealous because she has occupied his mind/ life to a degree you aren't allowed to share his feelings/thoughts. She's getting something of him you weirdly feel belongs to you. That's disturbing. He is not of you. You did not give birth to him. You are not married to him. You are not romantically linked to him. Your insistence he owes you something is akin to a stalkers mentality. No matter how close you are as friends this man deserves the right to private thought independent of your influence. If you don't see that or believe it then Greta, I won't argue with crazy. Personally, I'd have an order of protection out against you to start a paper trail for the investigation of my untimely demise.
Lastly, if someone feels they have to lie to you (if that in fact is actually happening) there's usually a reason for that. Your insecure behavior may have raised a horizon full of red flags for him. When you trust someone isn't "faith" the underlying concept here? Have faith he's still your friend even though you aren't given the ability to influence every aspect of his life. If you question the motives of others they're going to question yours as well.
Addressing your thoughts on how I manage my friendships. No I don't think it's odd to withhold private aspects of my life from friends or family. I'm entitled to my thoughts and responsible for my own actions. Sharing those is an option, not a requirement in any relationship I'm involved in. And it's that way for everybody. Except apparently, those in a relationship with you.

< Message edited by CaptR -- 12/5/2017 7:15:35 AM >

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RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/5/2017 7:33:58 AM

CaptR

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I'm looking back on this conversation realizing how foolish I've been to argue with you. I wish you well and if there's a parting word I might give it's ... get a new therapist.

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RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/5/2017 7:40:26 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptR
One question, why can't this man have you respect his privacy?

Privacy are for strangers.

I don't have privacy between me and him, just like I don't have privacy between me and my brothers.

Get it?

I know you never had close relationships where you are open about everything mutually obviously, so I mean, what is this "privacy" bullshit?

Privacy are for strangers or acquaintances or hi-bye friends.

Not for deep friendships.

My male childhood bestfriend since 5, I had the keys into his house and into his room whenever I want, whether he is in it or not, and I get to use it like it is my room. How's that for privacy? And he has for my home too. And his parents and my parents allow both us to treat each other homes like we live in them.

Have you ever had a platonic relationship like that? I guess not.

And you know what else is ironic? I actually have a boyfriend since 5 yr old too at pre-school. For 2 years. Who we actually hold hands and kiss lips to lips. Then I go home and I got my male childhood best friend who I am this close to that, I can ransack and invade his room whenever I like and we tell each other everything. It was the level of our closeness and friendship. He treated me like his sister. Later I dated other men, and he dated other women. We never once dated each other. But we were tight. My life have always been like this with my friendship with men. Very close and no boundaries. Later in my secondary school, about 13 to 16, I had a new male best friend. Same shit. His room is my room. But we weren't dating. He had his girlfriends and I had my boyfriends. Yet I have spent night platonically in his room like best buddies. Because I share rooms with two of my brothers all my life, the comfort level I feel around men, they treat me like one of the men and not a woman.

Like for you to even say this is like you never ever had a deep and close friendship without boundaries with anybody and give them full access to everything in your life and having them give you full access to their life, because it's mutually like that? Have you ever heard women talk about losing their female bestfriends can sometimes be worst than losing their husbands? That's because of the deep closeness with a best friend.

You got more trust issues than me.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 12/5/2017 7:46:45 AM >

(in reply to CaptR)

RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/5/2017 8:00:19 AM

CaptR

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Have your therapist analyze why you feel no one in a close relationship with you is entitled, yes ENTITLED to a modicum of privacy. Best to you and yours, you are in our prayers. Regardless of chosen religion :)

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RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/5/2017 8:03:27 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptR

Have your therapist analyze why you feel no one in a close relationship with you is entitled, yes ENTITLED to a modicum of privacy. Best to you and yours, you are in our prayers. Regardless of chosen religion :)

It's not about entitlement. It's about to have a close relationship with me, means being honest and open with me.

If someone is dishonest with me and unable to be open with me. WE will never have a close relationship and we will never be close friends.

We all have the right to choose the type of friendships we want to have.

There is no right or wrong. But I just won't treat this person as a friend, if they don't share the same approach towards friendship as I do.

You cannot get close to someone without opening up to someone.

If you want to stay private, you will forever be distance with someone. What kind of friendship is that? That's just cold.

I only have either extremely tight friends, or acquaintances. Nothing in between.

And I am emotionally close to my tight friends and I choose friends who are emotionally close to me.

It's their choice. Those are my terms of friendship, that we both are capable of being open and honest with each other.

Or else, I wouldn't get along with that person to start with anyway. Someone who is incapable of being emotionally open. Forget it. That's not gonna work with me. Men or Women.

I think the craziest part about your comments is that, you think that friendship is only your way. Like there is a reason why we all gel with different types of people and we will gel with certain types better than others, because we all have our different emotional needs in friendships.

And those are my emotional needs. If not met by a friendship. I will reject that friendship.

That friend who wants privacy will find people like you who wants friendship more distance.

And my counsellor is a good one. A counsellor is not there to tell you, what is right or what is wrong. As any good counsellor will know that, everyone have different needs to be fulfilled. And there is no hard and fast rule to it. And everyone's needs is just as valid as each others.

And honestly, the kind of friendships I love the most is when the friend say, "I find it so easy to talk to you, you don't judge, and I can tell you anything."

Where we trust each other and can tell each other anything. I try to keep my close circle only consisting of such friendships.

I just feel like if I actually need privacy from someone, I seriously just don't like that person and that's why I would tell that person, "None of their business." If I like someone and really like them as a human being. I would trust them and tell them anything.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 12/5/2017 8:08:28 AM >

(in reply to CaptR)

RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/5/2017 8:45:19 AM

CaptR

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And yet here you are airing intimate details of another person's life in a public forum breeching that "trust" you hold so dear. You're a peach oh and a hypocrite. UNLESS we are all part of that sacred circle of friends with whom you can share EVERYTHING, even the private details of someone else's life. I feel honored. Thank you Greta I'll value the trust we have forever. Or until you spill my PRIVATE life's details elsewhere.
My apologies to anyone else involved with this thread. I'm being foolish and petty for carrying on. Happy holidays to you all. My soapbox has been kicked aside.

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RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/5/2017 9:01:09 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptR

And yet here you are airing intimate details of another person's life in a public forum breeching that "trust" you hold so dear. You're a peach oh and a hypocrite. UNLESS we are all part of that sacred circle of friends with whom you can share EVERYTHING, even the private details of someone else's life. I feel honored. Thank you Greta I'll value the trust we have forever. Or until you spill my PRIVATE life's details elsewhere.
My apologies to anyone else involved with this thread. I'm being foolish and petty for carrying on. Happy holidays to you all. My soapbox has been kicked aside.

That's what your issue is. End of the day, I kept everything anonymous. There is no way anybody know who he is. His identity is protected. I also told him honestly that I have asked other strangers online about their opinion on this and have shared with him their response.

So as far as I am concern. I am still open and honest with him about it. I don't do anything that I am uncomfortable about others doing to me. Like if someone has doubts about me about something and kept my identity anonymous but shared the situation in a forum. I am fine with it.

You are the one projecting your own personal shit onto me. You are not him. Both of you have different personalities and different expectations of me. Your expectations are not his expectations. He knows I will always protect him and never put him in jeopardy.

And I have a feeling that if you are in a relationship with someone, you'd get fucking pissed at her for sharing with anyone else any issues she has with you. IF she couldn't get it resolve with you. It's emotional abuse ya know. Isolating her from discussing her problems with other people, because those problems concerns you and she couldn't resolve it to her satisfaction with you directly, yet she cannot discuss the situation with anybody else. (Reminds me of a program I watched recently of a male going ballistic on his wife for discussing their sex problems with her mom, to get her mom's advice, he said the same shit, it's private, and she's not allowed to share it with anybody else)

Because for me. He was the first person I obviously approach to the issue. He has explained himself to me multiple times, and I am not satisfied and not sure how to judge this situation.

And I needed outside opinions. So I seek it. And my status with him is, I told him, that, I have doubts about what he says. And that is the problem I need resolved. So I want to take in alot of different people's opinions for me to resolve this.

And anyway, if he had told me straight up he was interested in this woman. You'd never hear me post any confusion I have here, because, I would be supportive and happy about it and be on a mission to help him find happiness.

In another words. As I said, not everyone can be close friends with everybody. You gotta find the people who gets you and don't form the worst conclusions for all good intentions.

We been friends so long precisely because he wouldn't react like you over this. He would understand why I needed to speak to others about it.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 12/5/2017 9:18:30 AM >

(in reply to CaptR)

RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/14/2017 10:24:24 PM

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Oh get of your high horses. It's not sexual harassment.
Dude probably likes dudette, has a hard time explaining it, probably a bit insecure, probably because of the fact that he is her boss.

Dude might want to get into her pants but I'm thinking he wants something more than that.

The Issue here is the power dynamic of the capitalist system which of course destroys normal human interaction.
And where do we meet and greet most people today? At our jobs. Especially if they are social positions.

Yet we can't or aren't supposed to date there. Even friendships can turn into alliances between groups creating intra-corporate competition necessitating the inclusion of expensive de-confliction consultants...that's an other story lol.

But this is as we can say a systemic problem and not a sexual harassment problem. If society wasn't hierarchical or at least if there was a low net unemployment rate there would not be a need to fear these type of things.

Btw, Hi to anyone that remembers me

The thing with our OP gal is that she has a set of personal ethics which other people do not have. So she talks about this guys personal life because she thinks that she is doing it for the right reasons and doesn't see how or why someone would abuse that. I'm a bit like that too. I do things that other people think are wrong because I would never abuse such trust in the first place. It's hard to explain.

Her story about the keys to the apartment is a good one. But I can take some other examples. For example even as a teen I had access to my parents credit card numbers. Most parents wouldn't let their children have that since they would be ordering stupid shit. How often did I use their card? Once I think. To order a book. People tend to tell me their secrets. I discuss these secrets with other people. But no one ever figures out who is who. Though I understand that in some unlikely situation they might. But if I didn't discuss these secrets with other people I couldn't help those people who told me them.

If someone explicitly tells me to keep shut I do that too, of course. Now it could be understood that secrets are meant to be kept secret. But never broadening ones perspective is bad. So talking about things without directly mentioning them is fine, I think, if it's done responsibly.

< Message edited by CodeOfSilence -- 12/14/2017 10:26:11 PM >

(in reply to Greta75)

RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/15/2017 5:18:57 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CodeOfSilence
Most parents wouldn't let their children have that since they would be ordering stupid shit. How often did I use their card?

Yea I think people some people don't have deep friendships with opposite gender the way I do. As I said, even my relationships with my brothers, people always mistake me and my brothers are girlfriend and boyfriend and we don't behave like siblings. Even just from phone conversation. My friends will always ask, "Who is that? A boyfriend?" And I'd be like, naw, it's my bro and they were like, what??? Why you speak to your bro like that? Because my bros are my best friends too and we are super tight.

It's funny you say you have a parent's credit card? In my country, that is super normal. Not unusual at all for kids. Many of my friends growing up like 10 to 16 yr old has their parents credit card to use freely when we are out. There are special supplementary card for kids linked to their parents credit card account. Like parents will always give you their credit card incase you run out of cash and need to use it for emergency. It's base on trust that you won't abuse it or spend it unnecessary or else, it will be terminated.

But let me tell you how close I am with this friend. I know this is super hard to understand. I always have very deep and close platonic friendship with men since a kid, that I know many other people in their life time would never experience, but also only because I set that as terms of my friendship. I am either very cold or very warm. No in between. But let's say he trust me so much that I have the pin number to the card to his bank account. I also would give him my credit card and let him use it if he needs it. And have no problems passing him my own card and give him the pin number. Like if his own credit card failed and he didn't have enough time to get a new one for a business trip. Our friendship is like that. And I have given him my credit card for use before for a few days.

I trust him so much that, I could practically delegate him to be the one selecting the man I will fuck for one night stands. If the strange man passes his judgement , I would go ahead and have sex with that guy purely base on my trust in his instinct on people, and he has great instinct about people. I discuss my ONS with him all the time as he is one of my closest buddies to get his opinion and feel of the dude. Sometimes, he spots red flags that I fail to spot. He is also my safe contact for all my sexual adventures. So if I go missing in 24 hours, he calls my brother, he has all my family contacts, knows I probably got murdered by the strange man I was fucking.

And we are both sexually incompatible with each other, like opposite ends. Everything he loves in bed, I absolutely hate, and everything I love in bed, he hates. So our friendship works best platonic. He can never sexually satisfy me, so that's the nature of it. He reminds me of my closest brother, and my school days platonic male BFF all roll up in one.

quote:

If someone explicitly tells me to keep shut I do that too, of course. Now it could be understood that secrets are meant to be kept secret. But never broadening ones perspective is bad. So talking about things without directly mentioning them is fine, I think, if it's done responsibly.

He knows when I am upset about something, I talk to alot of different people about the same issue to get perspective. I also go online and ask for opinions. I go back and tell him what other people says from online.

I take time to form a fair conclusion. So end of the day, it's just a matter of different type of personalities get along with different types of personalities.

I have met people like CaptR who would freak out if I even spoke about like our personal problems even under anonymous conditions or hell, even if I dare speak about it to my brother who knows their real identity, and I tell my brother everything! Even all my sex things, my brothers discuss all their sex troubles with me! And most of the time, people like that and me don't stay friends for very long. To them I betray them. To me, it's emotional abuse to not allow me to talk about things that are bothering me to others, for my own emotional health. As first of all, I always address issue directly with the person I am upset with as first priority. If cannot be resolved. And if it's really bothering me, I seek a large variety of opinions as if it's emotional, maybe I can't form a rational conclusion and need some rational minds to help me.

Anybody who knows me, I seek strangers opinions online, and then I cut and paste their answers to the person I am upset with. So they can also see, how I kept their identity secret while basically getting strangers opinions on the issues.

But anyway, the conclusion is, I told my friend that I just feel if he likes the girl, I should be recruited as his wing woman. Just like he would be my wing man IF I liked a man. So like, I don't know what's up with all this bullshit, but because he is insisting that he would tell me if he likes her more than work and that he ain't lying. I just told him, that there is distrust right now. And it will take awhile for me to observe the situation and feel like things are back normal between us.

I think the best analogy of this ironically is the housewives that CaptR spoke about.

2 girls. Best friends. One got divorce and chose to confine in a new not so close female friends about what she is going through. Best friend got really mad that she didn't lean on her or confine in her. Because they are best friends. And apparently because of that, their friendship was broken. Because it's a break of trust, that your best friend didn't trust you enough and instead went to offload on some strange new woman instead.

I was telling my real romantic love about this situation. And he was like, I need to stop treating a dude like a woman. He is a dude. He thinks he has sufficiently explain to you what it is.

I know the other problem with asking for opinions online is, people are coming from different personalities. And different personalities have different reactions and different methods and different thinking.

But I know generally, most men may not understand how platonic friendships can be extremely deep too, and choose to only rationalise the possibility of that kind of friendship as romantic.

I wouldn't say things are okay on my end. But he is trying very hard to make it okay between us again. But he just doesn't want to talk about her anymore, because he feels I am making mountain out of mole hill since he still stands by he is absolutely is not interested in her that way. But only to groom as his star money maker. But if he is not comfortable telling me that he is interested in another woman. How can I continue to be comfortable with telling him when I am interested in another man? That's my issue. It has to flow both ways.

Just yesterday, he said, i know and he knows, we both hide nothing from each other. And I roll my eyes. Because I feel no matter what, he is not being honest about his feelings for this employee of his. Whether in self-denial or yea, I don't know what.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 12/15/2017 5:42:22 AM >

(in reply to CodeOfSilence)

RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/15/2017 6:28:49 AM

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Here some spouses don't share credit cards with each other. It's kinda crazy. So it would be impossible for them to give their kid one of the common account. It's all about "independence" like we talked in PM and dependency or co-dependency is frowned upon. I'm glad you have such a great friend. I had one like that...well maybe two. But definitely one that comes close. Used his home as a second home. But I moved away from the town and we just grew apart. Plus I'm terrible at *MAINTAINING* relationships. Like for me they just pause until we need each other again or meet or want each other or what ever. I do give him a call once a year though. I consider friends I made at 10 years old my friends but I doubt some of them even remember me. I really should work on this though and Im trying.

Anyway I don't think this is just a male thing. I think women are paranoid about men being after them to fuck them. There's also a culture here in the west where people are very sexual in general but intimacy in public is frowned upon. I guess this leads to all these sexual desires being suppressed or the abuse they cause and the hidden power play. They smooth this over by getting wasted each weekend. I'm more of a fan of southern cultures where intimacy even between friends is normal but people in general are more monogamous. But you've got your own little crusade there so I don't know if you'd agree.

It's even worse in Arab countries for other reasons. Walking around with two ladies made people assume I was some kind of jetsetter/player with two GFs. At least it saved the girls some even ruder comments I hear some tend to get if they travel alone. Though frankly they both wore, well...nontraditional clothing that may have been a bit to revealing. But just like you I assume they didn't want to participate in the culture of having others decide what they should wear.
edit:
And in a way I guess even they thought otherwise because one was flirting with me during the trip and one wanted me to meetup after the trip. So Maybe I'm the weird little bastard here. More in PM.

< Message edited by CodeOfSilence -- 12/15/2017 6:35:37 AM >

(in reply to Greta75)

RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/15/2017 6:49:29 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CodeOfSilence

Here some spouses don't share credit cards with each other. It's kinda crazy. So it would be impossible for them to give their kid one of the common account.

I can't imagine that. When I was married. I had all my husband's passwords and pins to all his bank accounts, I had all his supplementary credit card, all his social media accounts passwords, and emails, work and home, and everything. Phone lock pin too. He has nothing to hide and he completely trust me. Also he has the same things of all of mine. While we did not have a joint account, because I fail to see the point of it. As we have access to each other's bank accounts anyway. And never once was it abused. I never touched his bank, and he never touched mine.

But literally, there is no secrets, nothing, everything is transparent, and nothing private. I wouldn't want it any other way. As relationships are suppose to be filled with trust.

quote:

I think women are paranoid about men being after them to fuck them.

I don't think so, I think it is very obvious if a man wants to fuck you or not. Usually black and white. And I know this very well as all my BFFs since 5 yr old are all males. So I can spot platonic and I can spot non-platonic intentions. I feel it's very obvious.

But I guess the other day, I was complaining to my brother why stupid men give up seats to me in buses or in trains. There were other women beside me and why me? It's creepy. And embarrassing. As I am not invalid. And the only difference between me and the girls beside me was I was wearing like, less covered clothing, you know a tube dress or something, and I never wear bra, which sometimes looks obvious, while other women around me were in casual t-shirt and jeans dressed more conservatively. So it makes me feel like, wtf is going on here? And like usually there is a practical purpose in what I wear. It's more for convenience. If I wear t-shirt and jeans, it's a bitch to wash 2 items and put on jeans is like such a tug of war. Plus the nightmare of ironing them. I hate ironing. So I prefer a one piece dress, easy on and easy off. Wrinkle free material. And not so covered as it's fucking hot in my country.

And my brother claims he does that too. It's just being a gentleman and giving up seats to women who they feel look most tired. It's totally harmless and good intentions. But I was like so offended by it. Because then in public when I am just trying to stay out of attention and travel quietly, end up in a back and forth "exchange" of the man insisting I take his seat and I insisting that I don't want it, telling him to sit back down! Causing a commotion over nothing! And that freaks me out. But I think my brother would at least explain why he is giving up his seat as not to seem too creepy. And basically ask in a really diplomatic way, like, he is really sick of sitting and need to stretch, and she can have the seat if she wants.

quote:

It's even worse in Arab countries for other reasons. Walking around with two ladies made people assume I was some kind of jetsetter/player with two GFs.

I mean.....Arab countries....., where they call any woman a prositute and treat her as one IF they see a woman not fully covered in black ninja garb. Probably the worst when it's a local girl attempting that as she has zero excuse of being a foreigner with different culture.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 12/15/2017 6:52:37 AM >

(in reply to CodeOfSilence)

RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/15/2017 6:57:50 AM

Posts: 235
Status: offline

Man don't get me started on this shit. Prenups. Holy fuck. I don't want to live in a society with prenups. What's the point of marriage then at all? Or people who have 4 or more divorces. I mean just stay the fuck away from commitment. People are so afraid of getting fucked over but that's because they do. The more successful they are the more common this seems.

About whether or not they want to fuck them and if it's obvious. Well ... tell me when you figure out the OP ;-) lol!

Haha I magine if all the girls wearing Burkhas are really secretly employed ninja assassins. They have a perfect alibi!

(in reply to Greta75)

RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/15/2017 7:17:41 AM

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CodeOfSilence
Man don't get me started on this shit. Prenups. Holy fuck. I don't want to live in a society with prenups. What's the point of marriage then at all? Or people who have 4 or more divorces. I mean just stay the fuck away from commitment. People are so afraid of getting fucked over but that's because they do. The more successful they are the more common this seems.

I think if someone is very wealthy. No matter what, he or she needs a pre-nup. Not that, that works in my country. Pre-nup are not recognised in my country. So can't pre-nup here anyway.

quote:

About whether or not they want to fuck them and if it's obvious. Well ... tell me when you figure out the OP ;-) lol!

It is my judgement that he wants to fuck her. But also, he is not gonna be like so terrible like matt lauer and dustin hoffman, who practically trap women and maul them.

He will win her over old fashion way, wining and dining, chatting with her, getting close to her, listening to her problems. Until she makes the first move.

I know him. He won't make any move sexually until she moves first. And his diplomacy and PR is like his biggest strength that he would never say anything politically incorrect or sexually offensive to her.

He does with me, because I demand political incorrectness! And will call him out to stop talking like a slick bullshitter with me.

Like the day she is the one who starts asking him out instead in return and voluntarily texting him to talk about personal stuffs. He is patient, and he will move gently.

Except he won't admit all this shit to me! It's like, Yo! does he know who he is talking to? Like ME? He can't bullshit me about these things. I just feel like I call it as it is, and he just stubbornly refuse to tell me I am right!

quote:

Haha I magine if all the girls wearing Burkhas are really secretly employed ninja assassins. They have a perfect alibi!

In my country, we have actual male terrorists dressing up in burkas, and at the customs, trying to sneak into Malaysia, and managed to go through, as malaysia is a muslim country and will not demand muslims remove their veils at customs. So they can freaking dress like afghanistani women where even eyes are covered and happily sneak in and out.

We basically got muslim terrorists escape from prison and to malaysia, dressing up in burka. I called it a very long time ago, terrorists are gonna soooo use it. And it happened. But I don't think security has changed as it's respect the religion, cannot force them to unveil.

(in reply to CodeOfSilence)

RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/15/2017 7:37:04 AM

Posts: 235
Status: offline

Well, once again, systemic issue. If we didn't have such great wealth disparity which capitalism or feudalism enables then the fear of losing it all wouldn't be so great.
Plus I think that in a smaller community people of even great wealth or society know each other well so the fear of shame is worse than the will to betray. But in a big place like the US where you can hide or where so much happens that your actions will be forgotten then there is less of a fear.

Anyway, prenups just don't make sense to me if we look at the ethos of marriage. It's like fucking with the vow. But vows don't matter to people nowdays too so...
That psychopath Henry VII killed his wives rather than divorce them. As sick and depraved that king was I still think even murder makes more sense than the arbitrary way we make promises to each other nowdays that we do not keep. At least if you're a serial misogynist like him.

And sure...things can change, people can change. But our heroes, the icons of our society, the celebrities we are supposed to look up to seem to do it for publicity sometimes if nothing else. So naturally they don't trust each other with passwords, secrets, accounts and so on.

(in reply to Greta75)

RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/15/2017 9:39:36 AM

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

pre-nups just means that the person does not trust that the woman or male is not marrying them for money

But they marry them anyway, and feel safer with the pre-nup, as they still love the person, but they just feel like because this person is marrying them for wrong intentions, they gotta prepare for the inevitable when the person decides to leave

I think pre-nups make divorce less messy

In today's world. It's not like the old days.

Women being independent means, if the husband doesn't make them happy, they leave, that's it.

In the old days, if the husband does not make her happy, she suffers him for life.

(in reply to CodeOfSilence)

RE: I have a non-BDSM generic BGR question - 12/15/2017 9:57:32 AM

Posts: 235
Status: offline

If you don't trust someone, don't marry them. Love is free. Commitment is not.
It's like some people want to eat the cake and keep it.

They want a down to earth person from an other social and class background that they find fun, adventurous, sexy, what ever and they want to keep traditions alive and have a nice pretty wedding and get the family together and everything but then they also want to basically write in small letters "But none of this matters, really.".

I think getting a lover is better than breaking a vow that doesn't just include an idea of love but an idea of mutual aid and indeed life long commitment.

But I also think that there's an issue here with marriage being permanent monogamy with one person.
One should be able to have several marriages if a person is so lucky to find several people worthy of this kind of commitment.

(in reply to Greta75)

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