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help please - 8/3/2006 12:19:46 PM   
cutelinygurl84


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline 		Greetings!!!!  I have a problem I hope you can help me with this.  I was dating my dom/bf for 3yrs.  We were experiencing alot of problems with MY family so my bf decided to dump me b/c he said my family was interferring too much in our relationship and he could not take it.  I was deeply hurt, how can he hold me responsible for the things my family says and does.   So since I was so hurt 2 days after we broke up I had sex with another guy.  I feel I had sex with this guy not b/c I liked him but b/c I was so hurt and lonely.  The same night the night I had sex with that guy my exbf called me that night and said he wanted to come over and work things out.  I told him to come over so we could talk things out and we would see what happened.  Well when he came over I felt so guilty that I had sex with another guy that afternoon that I told him what I did I just felt I had to.  He was very mad at me and claimed it was cheating and he also said that since I did it  2days after we broke up I never really loved him all those 3yrs we been together.  We have a 19 month old son together I would not of had his child if I did not love him.    Well as of now we are broken up and all we do is fight about this he is going to bring this up forever now b/c he say how can  you love someone then hurt them so bad. 

I love this man with all my heart but I was wondering if I should get back together with him?  I really want to try and work things out for my sons sake?  If we dont come to some agreement I feel I will lose my son in court.  I dont want to have to go to court and fight with the father of my child the man I love.  It will really hurt me If I have to bash my sons father in court.  I dont think I will be able to say bad things about him I dont got it in me.   Please help me? I cant go on like this.

Cutelinygurl84
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: help please - 8/3/2006 12:31:20 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Nah.. he's a nab.

Look, he dumped you.  Cos he's a nab.  For stupid reasons.  Not like he's fucking yer family is it? 

so you got even, and even tho two wrongs dont make a right.. you screwed another guy.

Sure you were wrong!  So what, its not like you're always right.  And ahem, doesnt seem like he's always right either. 

Why not U get mad for being dumped?  uhhh?  Be like.. what the fuck?  You fucking dumped me for a scrub reason.. why the hell should i take you back?  How the hell do i know yer not gonna dump me for some other dumb reason? 

Look - he fucked up and you fucked up.  Yall can either forgive or you cant. 

Seems simple to me, whats the prob?

oh.. court.. um unless yer a crack whore.. u should be fine...

and as far as going "on" like this.. i recommend u go out and find the NEAREST bottle of Drano! 

Drano doesnt sound like fun?  Then i suppose you CAN go on like this.. or you CAN do something about it. 


< Message edited by Devilslilsister -- 8/3/2006 12:33:47 PM >

_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
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RE: help please - 8/3/2006 12:37:35 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		If the two of you really want to make it work, I suggest you seek counseling. It sounds like both of you have unrealistic expectations and communication difficulties (as most of us do!). Doing this while you're young will create a lot happier life for you later!

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
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RE: help please - 8/3/2006 12:46:19 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		The situation beforehand was a bit more complicated than that, clearly shown on your other threads here:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_310707/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#310707
MY BF is way too vanilla in bed

http://www.collarchat.com/m_310772/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#310772
Trying to find a mentor for my bf

http://www.collarchat.com/m_312889/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#312889
Relocating and moving

It seems as if neither of you is right for eachother and neither of you are mature enough for a solid relationship.  Going out for a quick fuck two days after a break up for solace is NOT a way to deal with problems maturely- specially as someone with a child depending upon them. 

Do I believe it was cheating?  No.  But that doesn't matter.  He hasn't changed, the problems that caused the break up still exist and it seems as if neither of you are REALLY ready to give up anything or work anything out with the other.

If you both want it to work out, definitely get counseling as Fire suggested.  But it WILL require you to own up to the problems you've created and work on your own bad habits.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
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RE: help please - 8/3/2006 1:08:29 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		In a way, you are responsible for your family. You need to lay down some boundaries with them, let them know that you're an adult and somethings are not all right for them to do. If they don't respect those boundaries, cut off contact until they do. It's difficult, I know. I had to do this with my father.

I don't know if he really loves/loved you, but I can tell you that there are times that regardless of how much you love someone you walk away because the constant drama is toxic.

He broke up with you and then calls it cheating that you had sex with someone else. How convenient for him.

Anyway, sounds like both of need to look at what it takes to have a healthy relationship.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: help please - 8/3/2006 1:15:11 PM   
MmakeMme


Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline 		Whether you stay or go is irrelevent to me. I just hope you're being safe in your sexual activities away from this man, and that you have enough self-respect to raise your child well. The kid is the important thing.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: help please - 8/3/2006 1:58:18 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cutelinygurl84

Greetings!!!!  I have a problem I hope you can help me with this........   Please help me? I cant go on like this.

Cutelinygurl84


You and your boyfriend both did some things that have breached trust issues with each other, those are very hard to repair and overcome, even with hard work and determination.  Plus you have a child to consider in this equation.  Even if you both got back together and tried working out your differences you would still have the original issues that seems to be at the root of your problems, your family. 

When two people form a relationship they need to be able to rely on each other for support and break away from their extended families so they can create their own.  If family members intefere with this, and the partner having trouble with their SO's family is not backed up and supported, it can only lead to resentment and trouble.  i would assume this is why your bf/dom wanted to move to Chicago (LA's post of a past thread), sounds to me like it might not have been a bad idea. 

If a couple allow extended family to come between them how can they learn to rely on and trust each other??  You said, "I love this man with all my heart but I was wondering if I should get back together with him?  I really want to try and work things out for my sons sake?". If you sincerely mean that stop all the emotional nonesense clouding the issue - the acting out stuff (sleeping with others cause you feel bad) and work on your relationship and do the WORK necessary. It won't be an easy road either and you both have to be committed to it. i wish you well with it all and hope for your son's sake it all works out. 

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
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RE: help please - 8/3/2006 2:00:25 PM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline 		Sounds like you both have some maturing to do, you both have a child together, think about your priorities.  What lessons are you going to impart to your child?  Hey if you get your heart broken, go out and fuck someone?  Hey if your family gets inbetween the two of you, just give in and walk?  i know i am being sarcastic here, but...this is how it sounds to me as i read your post.  Ah...and there has to be more going on than just those things, much more than you are sharing in this post, there always is.  i know we all screw up when emotions are high, but hey, come down to earth and set things in order in your own life and with yourself first, BEFORE you enter into another relationship, or back into the previous one. You now have another life you are responsible for.  Perhaps the best thing is to stay apart for a time, cool off and use the space to regroup, and learn how to communicate better.  Take time to figure out what can be worked out, and what cannot, and what you are willing to live with or without.
 
~raiken

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
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RE: help please - 8/3/2006 2:09:11 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Firstly in my opinion you have done nothing wrong by sleeping with someone two days after you broke up. The key words here are you broke up therefore your actions were not cheating at all.
Your family - its easy to say tell your family to keep out of it but i have an interfering family (well mother) and she lives in Spain , me in the UK and she still manages to meddle. Yeah you need to have words with them but you and your ex need to accept that the meddlesome family may not go away and you need to find strategies for dealing with them together instead of him having a go at you for it.
In my opinion you should never stay with someone for the sake of a child but that is only a personal opinion. As for court noone can say what would happen there so im not going to even try.
I wish you all the best through this and hope things work out for you.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: help please - 8/3/2006 3:12:30 PM   
DelRey


Posts: 314
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Firstly in my opinion you have done nothing wrong by sleeping with someone two days after you broke up. The key words here are you broke up therefore your actions were not cheating at all.



Except for the FACT that she felt the need to rub his nose in it !  That was childish and only done for attention and to inflict pain.

Sounds to me like everyone in this DRAMA needs to do a little growing up. Everyone including the OP, her family and the BF.

(in reply to missturbation)
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RE: help please - 8/3/2006 4:07:49 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		 told him to come over so we could talk things out and we would see what happened.  Well when he came over I felt so guilty that I had sex with another guy that afternoon that I told him what I did I just felt I had to. 

Hmm doesn't like rubbing his nose in it to me. It looks like being honest about it. I think she did the right thing in telling him. After all he could have found out later and it could have caused further trouble. At least they have all the cards out on the table now.
As for the childish comments - yeah maybe some of the stuff is but they need help working through it all not criticism by total strangers.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to DelRey)
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RE: help please - 8/3/2006 4:09:33 PM   
breathless1


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/1/2006
Status: offline 		Maybe both of you need to step back and concentrate on maturing within your own needs before trying again. 

And yes, the baby comes first.

                                                 breathless one

_____________________________

the truth is in the eyes.

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: help please - 8/3/2006 5:02:28 PM   
cutelinygurl84


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline 		My bf will never get over the fact that my family interferrs in our relationship.  He feels if my family really loves me and respects my choices they will say nothing and be happy no matter what we decide.  Unfortunitly my family cant be happy for the choices we made I have had many arrguments with my family about this.  My bf also feels if we were to marry im the future he would be marrying into the family too and he says he cant marry me if my parents continue to be controlling.  If you want more info and details just ask.  TY everyone for your help.

Cutelinygurl84

(in reply to breathless1)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: help please - 8/3/2006 5:50:05 PM   
ghosttraks


Posts: 15
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Hi,
Why would your BF want you to leave your family? Is he mean to you? Why did he break up with you?

Yes, think before you get into any more heartbreak. And take good care of the kid. It is your duty.

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: help please - 8/3/2006 6:20:01 PM   
cutelinygurl84


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline 		He wants me to leave my family b/c they are destroying our relationship.  He says if I really love him I will be able to choose.  The main reason he broke up with me was b/c my family was medaling in our relationship and also b/c he felt like my family was not respecting his views and how he was raised.  My family has alot of problems with him b/c I am a practicing Catholic who goes to church all the time and celebrates all holidays and he is Jewish but he does not practice the religion. 

Cutelinygurl84

(in reply to ghosttraks)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: help please - 8/3/2006 7:15:08 PM   
ArchangelMichael


Posts: 243
Joined: 8/21/2004
From: New Orleans, LA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cutelinygurl84

He wants me to leave my family b/c they are destroying our relationship.  He says if I really love him I will be able to choose.  The main reason he broke up with me was b/c my family was medaling in our relationship and also b/c he felt like my family was not respecting his views and how he was raised.  My family has alot of problems with him b/c I am a practicing Catholic who goes to church all the time and celebrates all holidays and he is Jewish but he does not practice the religion. 

Cutelinygurl84


Getting away from your family in a physical sense may not be a bad idea, that is if you're able to support yourself and your child apart from them. Just don't distance yourself emotionally. What's been said here about you standing up to your family is true. If you already have and it's causing too many arguments, then the distance might do some good.

Some friends of mine are in a similar situation to you. The girl's mother is very controlling and she doesn't like her daughter's boyfriend. They also have a baby together. They moved out of state and moved in with some friends. I think they're doing better off now than they did when they were living with her parents. They've had to learn a lot about responsibility, but they at least have their friends to help. And the baby's father is not the most mature guy in the world.

You may think it's unfair that your boyfriend broke up with you because of your family, but it IS true that when you marry someone, you marry their family (unless you live far away from their family and rarely have contact), so that's a major consideration. However, if you do move away from your family, don't take that as a sign that he will come back. Don't do it for him or to get back into your relationship with him. Do it for yourself if your family is too controlling. Use the opportunity to learn responsibility.

If your boyfriend does come back and you can work things out, great. If not, there are plenty of other guys out there.

Paul





_____________________________

"Open up your mind; Let your fantasies unwind." -The Phantom, Phantom of the Opera

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." -Toulouse-Lautrec, Moulin Rouge

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
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RE: help please - 8/3/2006 10:06:38 PM   
MasterKalif


Posts: 648
Joined: 5/24/2004
Status: offline 		I try to be impartial when I can, however in this case I cannot....the truth of everything, and what matters the most here is the baby, the child....everything else, including your precious life and the emotional difficulties and drama all comes second.

In terms of your story, I think what you did was cheating and plain wrong, I would not be so forgiving in your BF's place. I mean if you really loved him, out of spite, how could you have sex with another guy? That to me, shows a lack of love. Now it would be different in my opinion if both of you were "sex buddies" (trying to say it nicely) then no issues and both of you are free to swing as you wish, but it is not the case, and all the more so with a baby.

Your BF is also to blame as he broke up over something trivial, silly even, specially if you did not side with your family but with him. I for one broke with an ex because her family did interfere in the relationship and she was always on their side rather than routing for "us"; in any case it was just one of the many reasons that relationship happily ended. Could it be that your family is meddlesome because you tell them many things which maybe you shouldn't?

In any case, talk to your BF, show that you are sorry, do what you have to do, I dont know, maybe an extra act of submission that he likes, whatever works, if not for your sake, for the baby's sake. This will take time and healing, and will be a long process....and then please, both of you grow up.

(in reply to ArchangelMichael)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: help please - 8/3/2006 10:17:57 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

In terms of your story, I think what you did was cheating and plain wrong, I would not be so forgiving in your BF's place. I mean if you really loved him, out of spite, how could you have sex with another guy? That to me, shows a lack of love.


Bullshit.  Sex is not love, and love is not sex.  They broke up, she did another guy two days later, the ex comes back and says he wants to work it out but gets ticked off because she sought comfort in a physical form with someone else.  It wasn't cheating, and he needs to get over it.
 
However, this couple has a much bigger problem than whether or not she "cheated."  If the family is interfering so much with the relationship, it's for one of two reasons:  A) the family is a bunch of meddlesome control freaks, or B) this couple has demonstrated a distinct lack of maturity, and the "meddling" is an attempt at damage control so the child might have some semblance of normalcy in his life.  I'm betting on B.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to MasterKalif)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: help please - 8/3/2006 10:19:54 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline 		It's better to hear both sides.

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: help please - 8/3/2006 10:50:34 PM   
MasterKalif


Posts: 648
Joined: 5/24/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce

quote:

In terms of your story, I think what you did was cheating and plain wrong, I would not be so forgiving in your BF's place. I mean if you really loved him, out of spite, how could you have sex with another guy? That to me, shows a lack of love.


Bullshit.  Sex is not love, and love is not sex.  They broke up, she did another guy two days later, the ex comes back and says he wants to work it out but gets ticked off because she sought comfort in a physical form with someone else.  It wasn't cheating, and he needs to get over it.
 
However, this couple has a much bigger problem than whether or not she "cheated."  If the family is interfering so much with the relationship, it's for one of two reasons:  A) the family is a bunch of meddlesome control freaks, or B) this couple has demonstrated a distinct lack of maturity, and the "meddling" is an attempt at damage control so the child might have some semblance of normalcy in his life.  I'm betting on B.


ok well that might be bullshit to you, but to me and Im sure for some other out there it is not...while love does not equal sex, they are intertwined sometimes, and this seems to be the case. I dont know if you read my whole post, but I stated that if it had been a "no-strings attached" type of setting, then there are no worries. I wonder if you would state the same thing if it had been the guy cheating.

In any case, I mentioned that in passing, my point was that the main focus needs to be the baby.

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 20
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