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sleazybutterfly -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 11:47:48 AM)
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No, actually I thank you for starting this thread. At first, I sort of did a funny type of confession, then before I knew it, I needed to really confess. I think on here it is a bit easier, things you would not ever tell any one in real life, you can feel free to share. I find myself going back and reading others and my own. Maybe it is helping to get some of this out, some know a little, a few know more, but most know none.
Another round..but probably the last I will share. Like Denise, there are some things that will just go to the grave with me, that is where they belong.
That if the person sitting in this room with me now leaves this week, I am not sure I will make it, but I don't have the strength to beg her to stay any more.
That I wasn't able to be there for my grandmother when she needed me the most. Even though I tried so hard, the rest of the family wouldn't let me bring her to my home and care for her.
That I was there every single day in that hospital while she was passing, and I was one of the last people she said "I love you" to. This was because I repeated it in a frantic way because I knew she was slipping and would no longer talk. So I would say over and over, "I love you, mamaw..I love you" just to hear back.."I love you too". Then it stopped and she didn't say it again. There were only moans of pain the rest of the week. How I prayed for her to live, then I at some point prayed that she would be taken and out of pain. That I feel guilty for the latter part.
That I fell asleep for a matter of a few minutes on Oct. 2, 2004 around 2 am, holding her hand..and that is when she left. I looked over and my almost blind mamaw had looked right at me there beside her before slipping away. That I panicked when I saw she was going..and dropped her hand to get my mom instead of keeping a hold of it until she faded all the way.
That my mamaw left me on Oct. 2..so that she wouldn't pass on my birthday Oct.3...I believe that.
That I promised her I would have a little girl and name her after her. I have failed at that.
That the butterfly on my chest, is for my mamaw, I got it one year after she passed. Any time I feel alone I rub it and talk to her. That I have not been the same since this beautiful, loving soul left this earth.
That I had an older sister that died at birth, in 1960. Her name was Terri Lynn. After that my mother had two miscarriages, then my brother in '63. Following him were eight miscarriages until me in '75.
I feel guilty for getting life and screwing it up, when I am sure that Terri or any of the other ten babies would have done so much better. I cannot understand my purpose and why I was the one to make it.
So I guess my confession on that is, I feel guilty for being born at all.
That some days, more as of late, I just want to die..when others just want another day to live.
Andrea
Ps.. that I feel bad about putting this stuff out there and I hope no one thinks bad of me for it.
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