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help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 9:54:16 AM   
fox2152


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline 		i'm new to this. i have found a strong master and with one exception things are going well. His pet peve is my bad habit. He gets mad every time i question him or debate him. i don't want him to be mad at me, and i'm tring not to debate him. But i'm in law school and i have a hard time switching turning that part of me off when i'm with him. i try to watch what i say but some times it just slips out. Does A/anyone have any suggestions that might help? i don't want to make him mad. Please help.
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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 10:29:35 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Sure! A Penis Gag will do the trick!

(in reply to fox2152)
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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 10:30:13 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Welcome to CollarMe, as well as to your new world.

One of the things that you grow to understand, sooner or later, is 'place'.  It's your 'place' to do this.  It's your 'place' not to do that.  What that 'place' is could be different depending on whom you are serving.

You're young, you're eager, you're learning, you have lots of questions.  It's natural to want to ask questions.  (Let's not call it debate.  That sounds like you might be impertinent.  You wouldn't wish to be thought of that way, would you?)  There's a time and a place, out of 'scene' (if that's what you do) for that.

Depending on your limits, his inclinations, etc., the next time you speak out of turn he might be apt to slap you.  You might find that interesting, you might not, you might bolt.  But it might help you to understand your 'place'.

Hope this helps.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 10:52:15 AM   
BillsGalSusan


Posts: 69
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline 		That's a pretty big exception. There are things that have to match up in a relationship, and, IMO, communication style is one of them. I'm not saying they have to be the same, but they have to be mutually acceptable and in some way, complimentary. A dominant who does not explain things or want to be questioned might not be a great partner for a submissive who enjoys some of the things you seem to value in yourself.

If you are wondering if his attitude is universal amongst dominants, well, it isn't. Most people (and not just people who are dominant) want there to be respect and consideration for time and place  in how an issue is discussed, but (again IMO), there aren't all that many times when the command is akin to "jump" and a response other than "how high" is just plain wrong--especially in the beginning, when there is so much to learn. 

That being said, you might find, over time, that some of the ways you are "out in the world" have to be modified at home. More than that, you might find it to be a great relief to do so. In my work life, I was the one in charge and I spent my day being supportive but directive and as the "go to" person for all manner of decisions. I did it well, but it was a huge relief to be able to leave that part of me at the door to our home. I didn't leave my intellect at work though, and Bill would never have wanted me to mindlessly do as he asked. That's not obedience, not around here at least.

Another Susan

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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 10:56:39 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I debate my Daddy too at times, he is the type that likes it, and if he isn't in the mood he interupts me, talks over me, tells me things like "Who is the Dom here?" These are my signals to shut the f*** up. And I do. I would have much trouble if I was never allowed to have a different opinion than his, because even though we share much in common, we still do not agree on everything, and I think he would kick my ass to the curb if we did.. I would bore him.

In my mind a submissive is a tool for a Dominant. They have many uses, but not all will have every use. You can use a hammer for many things, and a screwdriver for many things that they weren't necessarily intended for.. but if you misuse a tool past its capacity you break it.... My Daddy and I had an incident  where he told me not to handle a particular conflict the way I was used to doing. I tried to handle it the way he told me to, and the result was surprising, it caused me actual anguish not to be able to handle the problem with the skillset God gave me. He told me to handle the problem the way that felt natural to me, because he didn't want to change the character of who I am.

I guess what I am trying to say is this, perhaps you need to learn how to express yourself better, but does he really intend that you never disagree with him? Does he intend for you to change the character of who you are? Different dominants have different ways of doing things, so I am not judging, Im just asking.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 10:57:04 AM   
Littlepita


Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fox2152

i'm new to this. i have found a strong master and with one exception things are going well. His pet peve is my bad habit. He gets mad every time i question him or debate him. i don't want him to be mad at me, and i'm tring not to debate him. But i'm in law school and i have a hard time switching turning that part of me off when i'm with him. i try to watch what i say but some times it just slips out. Does A/anyone have any suggestions that might help? i don't want to make him mad. Please help.



Yeah, I have a mouth problem sometimes and have been working on my grace and docility. I'm lucky that my Dom likes me to speak my mind on most issues and we function very well with debate and even teasing. However, there is a time and place for it and you have to learn what that is. I will say that if your Master never gives you an outlet to express yourself you need to make very sure you can live with that. I know I wouldn't be able to.


< Message edited by Littlepita -- 8/12/2006 10:58:04 AM >

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 11:02:44 AM   
servitude69


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/6/2004
Status: offline 		i talked back to a Mistress only once. i found myself on my knees on her kitchen floor with my wrists cuffed behind my back. i bar of soap was placed in my mouth and was held in place with a pair of her stockings. i had tears in my eyes before i was finally released. michael

(in reply to Littlepita)
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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 11:07:49 AM   
michaelGA2


Posts: 1533
Joined: 4/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fox2152

i'm new to this. i have found a strong master and with one exception things are going well. His pet peve is my bad habit. He gets mad every time i question him or debate him. i don't want him to be mad at me, and i'm tring not to debate him. But i'm in law school and i have a hard time switching turning that part of me off when i'm with him. i try to watch what i say but some times it just slips out. Does A/anyone have any suggestions that might help? i don't want to make him mad. Please help.


don't feel bad...people here tend to get tired of my debating things and i have been told off on more than on occasion


_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 11:11:21 AM   
krikket


Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline 		First, welcome to the forums.  This is one of the best places i have to learn about different parts of life in general, and in the D/s world as well.

i used to have the same problem (still might for that matter, since it's been so long since i had a Dom/Master in my life..lol).  What i used to do, after leaving work, but before walking in the house, was to be sure to take time to think about where i'd been during the day, and where i was going just then.  i do deep breathing, if needed, talk to myself about Him, and my place in his life.  It was a little bit like when i practiced yoga, getting my mind and heart in the right place.  i needed that time to decompress from my day and turn my mind to what i knew was important to both of us.  That's not to say that we didn't debate, discuss, and even (on very rare occassion) argue, but i always knew my place with Him, and it was right where i wanted to be.  i knew how rare and special what we had was, and i wanted to make sure i did everything i could to keep it going.  (i don't drive, riding buses and trains home each day, and that gives me the time i need.)  Perhaps a short walk after school, or some heavy duty cleaning/reading/meditating if you get home first. 
Hope this helps -- and good luck :)

cheers,
jimini


quote:

ORIGINAL: fox2152

i'm new to this. i have found a strong master and with one exception things are going well. His pet peve is my bad habit. He gets mad every time i question him or debate him. i don't want him to be mad at me, and i'm tring not to debate him. But i'm in law school and i have a hard time switching turning that part of me off when i'm with him. i try to watch what i say but some times it just slips out. Does A/anyone have any suggestions that might help? i don't want to make him mad. Please help.


_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin



When your heart speaks take good notes.





(in reply to fox2152)
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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 11:19:32 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I understand you are in an adversarial relational mindset.


But you have the  wonderful happenstance to also be the public defender, 'He's not only your client, he's your Master'.

He says, you perform. Regardless of where we sit in life, we all have prosecutorial as well as defending moments.

Perhaps, you might  consider your client(Master)  And think to yourself; 'How could this possibly be true'?

If you can't spell controlling, latin will escape you totally. Honorable lawyering is  f ar more about seeing that everything that can be done, gets done than it is about elegant argument.

Pose the correct question at the correct time, but pose it to yourself, first.

Perhaps then you will be a mistress at posing the question.

A wide and brawling lawyer is worse than a wide and brawling woman. The two, combined is unsufferable.

Know how it is that those that reasonably acquiesce,even with misgiving, can and do fall short of the lawbooks regularily. 

Time and advice......... and all that


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 11:27:50 AM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fox2152

i'm new to this. i have found a strong master and with one exception things are going well. His pet peve is my bad habit. He gets mad every time i question him or debate him. i don't want him to be mad at me, and i'm tring not to debate him. But i'm in law school and i have a hard time switching turning that part of me off when i'm with him. i try to watch what i say but some times it just slips out. Does A/anyone have any suggestions that might help? i don't want to make him mad. Please help.


As a seriously mouthy person myself, I can tell you that when the chemistry is right, it is quite natural for me to yield to it and bite my tongue when its necessary.  Then there are times when you cant do that.  If you really need to express yourself, you can do it in a mild tone.  Or at a certain time that you both agree on.  In my past Ds involvements, I have actually asked to be excused when there has been a disagreement and I feel like Im going to mouth off.  I go calm down for a while, then Im able to state my case in a more respectful way .  Also, the more you grow to trust your dominant, the less you will need to question and debate him.  And its ok to just swallow something sometimes. Even if you feel he's wrong at times...he is human, which means he's not perfect, but he's still the 'boss', right?   And we've been 'trained' by society that we're supposed to fight when something doesnt sit right with us, but its ok, to just surrender that part of yourself sometimes, you won't break.  I would however stress that this would only apply once you know the person, once you know you are safe with them and once some basic level of trust has been established.

edited for a typo

< Message edited by marieToo -- 8/12/2006 11:30:47 AM >

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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 12:46:10 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		My guess is that you got involved with a cyber wanker who knew how to turn your buttons on but has no real method of how to maintain a long term relationship with someone who's actually smart and inquisitive and deals with it by making you ashamed of wanting a closer connection and more information (which you should have done BEFORE you make a commitment to begin with).

BUT in case you actually did geti nto the Ms relationship of your dreams and he's just the type who doesn't want any questions- get yourself into the habit of literally ASKING him if it's ok to debate with him or ask a question before you do anything.  This will take lots of energy and focus and awarenss on your part, but since this is what you want to learn, you can do it.  This way you have trained your mind to stop itself first, and his reinforcement of saying not to your request willh elp build a roadblock in your mind against it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 4:41:03 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

i'm new to this. i have found a strong master and with one exception things are going well. His pet peve is my bad habit. He gets mad every time i question him or debate him.


Any time someone tells me their dominant gets angry when they question something, I become a little concerned and, until the situation is clarified (for better or worse), I see little pink flags which will eventually go white or red, depending on the nature of the questions being asked.
 
If you're asking him to clarify a command, or explain to you the reasons behind what he is asking you to do, I don't see anything wrong with that, and his becoming angry over it is a clear indication that he, himself, has no clue what his motivation is for asking you to do whatever it was, and he's afraid you'll discover he's flying blind.  However, if you're combative simply to be combative, then his anger may well be justified, and you need to learn to control the urge to debate him.
 

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 4:50:37 PM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		Have you agreed to obey the decisions of this man?

If you have not, then this argument won't help you. But if you have, I assume you have a good reason to have done so. You presumably think his decisions are better than your own, otherwise, you would make your own decisions. Or, in a vein I understand less well, perhaps it is more important to you to act according to this man's will than to act as is best. In either case, as you will likely know from your legal education, you have made an agreement because you found that agreement good, so you should honor your agreement.

Thus, if you have agreed to act on his decisions, it is not useful to debate them. Either you think his decisions are better than the ones you would make, in which case you should not try to persuade him of another option because your preferred option would be poorer. Or, it is more important that the decisions are this man's will than that they are objectively good, in which case, if you succeeded in persuading him of your preferred decision, which may be objectively better, you would not get what you actually wanted because persuading him of your preferred decision would not allow you to obey this man's will.

Monica

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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 5:20:30 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I did not think it was necessarily decisions he has made that she is debating. It could be who is going to win the superbowl, or the best route to work, or who to vote for. She doesn't seem to be wanting to question his decisions, but she says "It just slips out". Frankly, not all dominants view it the way you do, that we do not sign over our mental facualties just because we are submissive. It is not that all submissives think that dominants are a better decision makers than we are , it is that we may  not particularly enjoy making decisions all the time. In fact my Dom asks my opinion often, very often.. I just do not expect or demand he follow my advice.. I am his tool to use as he wishes, his toy to play with, his asset. I would make a poor asset if I did not give him input that he values.

It sounds like someone smart enough to go to law school would be a tremendously good asset to someone willing to use her intellect, her dom may just be missing the boat in not challenging her keen mind into useful endeavours, and away from pointless ones, such as questioning him. It is something easily gotten over with the right approach. But she belongs to him, and he can use her as he will I suppose.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 8/12/2006 5:22:24 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 5:50:48 PM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		I had assumed that Fox used "to debate" to mean to respond persuasively against an judgment made by the man he or she refers to. Julia, you make a good point in suggesting that, if I understand you correctly, Fox may have initiated the debate.

Please note that I did not assert that people who identify as submissive "sign over [their] mental faculties," nor do I think that. I asserted that a person who has agreed to obey the decisions of another ought not to debate those decisions, because, as you said, it would be a "pointless" endeavor. Also, while I don't understand why a person would cede judgment to another if he or she thought the person so empowered would not be a better judge, I recognized that people do do so, arguing that it may be more important for the decision to be the will of the person empowered to make that decision than for the decision to be the best.

I agree that Fox would do well to engage his or her critical faculties in other ways, and the man described in the OP could likely benefit from Fox's analyses.

Monica




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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 6:46:22 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I have made very good decisions for myself for 38 years. I have a BA degree in anthropology, I am a scholar, I have reared a son by myself since his infancy, I have held jobs, made friends, and I have close relationships with my extended family. I sincerely say, I do not think my Dom has better judgment in all things than I do. He has his strengths, I have mine, I want to be an asset to him. I am not micromanaged, my ideas are respected, I feel valued for my intellect.

I choose to do as he says because I want to. We have a consensual dynamic. He does not see himself as superior to me. He does not think that he has better skillsets than I do. He has said, "What makes me more Domly than having a brilliant, articulate and strong willed person choose to submit to me?"  He is extremely bright, very kind, and I admire him. We have similar values, and it is not hard for me to do as he says. I will debate strongly something I think is a better course of action, if I am told to stop and desist in arguing a point I do, and I wholeheartedly support whatever course of action he decided upon, I will not tell him "I told you so", ever.. because that would show I was not supporting his decisions 150%. Someone has to have the last word, I want it to be him.. does that make sense?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to mp072004)
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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 7:29:01 PM   
Littlepita


Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline 		Well put Julia!!!

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 7:34:09 PM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		First, Julia, thank you for your intelligent, civil discussion of a rather touchy topic.

It sounds like you and the man described in your message enjoy one another, and in a vague way, I'm glad that you do. You note that you have similar values, and I agree that it's much easier to allow another person to make decisions when those decisions are close to the ones you would make anyway.

You write that you choose to do as the man in your life says because you want to. That's fairly clear, you sound like a smart, capable person, and your history, as you described it, indicates that you don't need a surrogate to have a desirable life. You seem happy with the decisions that you have made thus far, and, as far as I can tell, you would be capable of continuing to determine your own actions. Would you explain why you want to abide by the decisions of your partner?

Monica

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RE: help controling my mouth? - 8/12/2006 7:41:06 PM   
sinwin


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/6/2006
Status: offline 		pussy lickin' obsesissively is OKAY as long as you still use your dong AND THE FLOWER PETELS that your love-tounge (is her favorite lickqour)caresses , is clean on a daily basis...hence no need for you to also scrub your tounge with a brillo pad after every whippin,uhm, i mean LICKIN' OBSESSIVELY FOR SOON ..ANYWAYS, LICK-FORTH AND MAY YOUR  5'O CLOCK SHADOW ALWAYS LOOK LIKE A GLAZED DONUT

(in reply to fox2152)
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