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marieToo -> RE: Safeword Usage Over Time (8/31/2006 3:30:36 PM)
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ORIGINAL: mistoferin
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ORIGINAL: marieToo
I cant understand anyone viewing a simple safety precaution as a potential danger. To me its like saying, I dont ever want to own a fire extinguisher because it may not work if I ever need to use it and its only going to give me a false sense of security.
On another thread someone else used a fire analogy...this was my response:
You can be sitting there lighting sparklers in your living room and think you're ok because you see that extinguisher over there hanging on the wall. All of a sudden the room is on fire but you don't panic until you reach for that extinguisher and find it empty.
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For the sake of debate, Im going to replace the word "safeword" with the word "indication".
Im going to remove the context of said '"indication" from bdsm scening, and apply it to something else.
What if you and your spouse were mountain climbers ....and you were on the side of a mountian, half way up and said, "Honey I have to stop and rest because of the lack of oxygen up here, I feel faint".....and he said...."Sure babe, and from now on if you ever feel that way again just say the word "Faint" and thats your "indication" to me to let me know that we have to stop climbing. Can you imagine finishing that climb, being safe on the ground, and then having a discussion with your partner in which you both agree that you should never use the word "faint" to indicate that you feel like youre going to pass out on that mountain?
I'm not saying you shouldn't use the word faint...I'm saying that you should do exactly that. Faint is concise communication. If the same couple were mountain climbing and the woman felt faint and yelled "red", her climbing partner would have no indication of WHAT was wrong...be it faint, nauseous, sprained ankle, panic attack, etc., etc...
Clear and concise communication can make a difference in response as is indicated by this example that I used in another thread:
About 5 years ago I was at a party and I wasn't really paying much attention to the scene that was going on in the corner. Suddenly the submissive on the cross started frantically screaming red.....just as she'd been told to and conditioned to do. That part was great, the scene stopped immediately and those attending raced to get her down. The problem was that she didn't stop screaming red. Everyone rushed to her aid and no one could determine what the problem was. This went on for a full 5 minutes at least with a crowd of people now trying to help. It was a complete and utter clusterfuck. The problem, as it turned out, was that she was writhing so hard that she ruptured a disc in her back. Now here are all these people turning her all different ways trying to find an injury. She did what she was conditioned to do and in her moment of agony and crisis she could not see clear to stop saying red long enough to help the helpers. She could have indeed been further injured by their efforts. All of it could have been avoided had she screamed OMG my back, my back...somethings's wrong.
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There of course is some risk in mountain climbing, but I cant see there being any risk in choosing to agree on NOT having an indication that MIGHT help save you. In fact, other than in the bdsm forum I have never seen, heard or imagined any situation anywhere, on any planet, in any lifetime where people say to each other....ya know what honey, before we do this semi risky venture, (mountian climbing, deep sea diving, scening, driving a car, whatever) lets agree that we have NO "indication" set up if one of us feels we are in jeopardy.
Again, I'm not saying there should be no indication set up...what I am saying is that what should be set up is that the parties will use concise communication as opposed to unrelated magical code words.
I've been having this discussion for a long time now and still, no one has ever been able to provide me one single example of an instance where a made-up safeword would have been superior to simple honest and concise communication.
Thats a very good point, and its really why I never worried so much about it. I figured if something was wrong, Id just say so in basic english. But some feel safer having one definitive word. And maybe the reason for that is because some like to 'play' the scene like they dont want whats happening...they like to struggle and fight......like the old joke...."Dont" ...."stop".... Is it dont or is it dont stop.
But if only one word is picked to use, then somthing like you described could happen as in the story with the girl on the cross. I think I wouldve just said "My back...its my Back!! I hurt my back" The only idea I can come up with in such a case, is that the sub and dom decide/agree before scening on ONE WORD that stops the scene, dead in its tracks, followed by the sub explaining why (ie "my back hurts, dont move me, get help".) Think about the cross story...Had they planned it that way...She would have said "RED" and immediately followed it with the words "its my back, I cant move". They then would have probably removed her more cautiously or even kept her in position until help could be called, (as I understand that sometimes a person shouldnt be moved with a back injury.) I dont want to make this light, but to me this is just basic communication before getting involved with someone. Thats a "great" story, Erin, in the sense that it points out why sometimes more than just a single word might be needed. But again, some basic communication beforehand discussing all the various possibilities should suffice. I think another base problem with some of these horror stories that we've heard of, is that people rush into the 'play' aspect, without knowing themselves, nevermind their partner. Some people scene on a first meet for God's sake. And they go straight from never having scened right to the more dangerous stuff. I dont know....Im the more prudent type I guess.
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