SadistCpl4fslv
Posts: 77
Joined: 9/5/2006
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I began this thread in response to "BDSM Definitions?" I originally intended to post my thoughts there and as I realized that I was getting a little too long winded and also chasing a rabit, I felt that the line I was taking needed it's own discussion. As a disclaimer: I do not pretend to be the "know all" of the lifestyle and as such I don't expect everyone to agree with me on all points. These are mearily my own opinions, for what they are worth, and I am certainly open minded to diverging opinions.
It is my opinion that the biggest problem facing the bdsm community at large, whether in real or in cyber but especially in cyber, is one of misunderstanding and misconception of the "labels" we us to identify ourselves within the lifestyle to those who don't know us. One small point on the term "label". I know there are those of you that don't like it and if you have a better term I am all ears. But this hang up is one of symantics and really just a PC dodge. We all use labels everyday in the real world. We call them job titles. They inform others, in general terms, what it is we do to make a living. They DO NOT give specific details as to what we do, but they do draw specific boundries with no room for misunderstanding of our careers. When you say that you are a Banker, nobody confuses that you are in reality a Fireman. Now you may be a loan officer in the bank, but that individual detail does not exclude you from being in the banking industry nor does it identify you as being in some other industry. To a certain extent, the bdsm lifestyle and the labels we use should work the same way.
The problem is that since the advent of the internet and the prolification of information that it has incouraged, both good AND bad, there has been a bluring of those labels to the extent that they have now become interchangable and generally speaking are on the verge of loosing their meaning all together. Because of this there has been a rampant and increasing trend of misunderstanding and misuse of the terms both online and in real that has led to many many hurtful, disappointing, disasterous, and even sometimes dangerous situations in relationships. Here is a couple of hypothetical scenarios that are a reflection that is going on not only on CM but virtually everywhere that people are meeting and getting together in the lifestyle. 1) A girl says she is a slave when she is in reality a submissive. A Master contacts her, whether it is on a personals site like CM or in a bdsm chat channel, looking for a slave. They don't spend much time talking about what it is they really are wanting, and that is the first mistake. They assume by the labels they use that that is what they are representing themselves as. They get together for play and expecting to have a slave the Master demands service from her. Taken totally by surprise, the girl refuses and the conflict begins. 2) A man says that he is a Dominant, but in reality he is a Top. A submissive who desires and needs the guiding care of a Dominant contacts him and, as is so often the case, they get together without really understanding or coming to agreement as to what each is really desiring in the relationship. When expecting that the man will take the lead, the submissive finds herself frustrated at the fact that she is in actuality giving him direction as to how to Dominate her. And as these are just two hypothetical and general scenarios, the combinations of misunderstandings are endless and envolve all parties including Sadist and Masochist. My opinion as to how a lot of this has happened is the deluge of misinformation and frankly many times reckless ignorance being spouted far and wide by those "all knowing" but no sound experience or prudent research, and the acceptance of such misinformation by "newbies" without careful consideration from many reliable sources, both written and experiential.
Having said all of this, It is my considered opinion that definitions to our lifestyle labels are nothing more than abstract concepts with no real lasting value WITHOUT considering the philosophies behind them and the individual personality traits that lead us all to identify with them. IMHO I believe at the core of any bdsm relationship, with the exception of switches, are two specific personalities of which one is natural and unique to each of us. Those being Dominant and Submissive. We see these two personalities played out everyday; between children on the playground, moguls in the board room, and politicians all around the world. I say that one of those traits is a natural part of each personality, but I also believe that the other trait can be developed to a point, or even forced into usage. Case in point: I am a Dominant by nature and personality, I always have been and it is such a natural part of me that I don't even think about it. That fact alone has gotten me in trouble over the years especially as a child......LOL However, because I work for those who are in authority over me, I must submit to them everyday. And we all have situations like this. We all must submit to the laws of our land, or pay the penalty. And, mothers who are submissive by nature also excercise Dominance of their children, or at least they should.
So how does this apply to the labels we use in the lifestyle? In my opinion, these two personalities are what make up the core of bdsm relationships, as well as all relationships. From them come philosophies as to how we desire to excersise those traits and react to them as well. In my mind, where the real confusion comes into play is when there is no clear and generally standard philosophy attached to the definitions we use for the labels. In my mind, a submissive is different from a slave not necessarily because of what they do in the relationship, but because there is a difference in philosophy in the relationship. To me, the philosophy of Dominant/submissive is one of mutual benefit built upon agreeed desires and goals in which one party leads, guides, teaches, and mentors the other through many diverse and individual means towards the enrichment and growth of the other as a person. It is an exchange of power, however the focus of that exchange is for the benefit of the submissive. In contrast, I view the philosophy of Master/slave as that in which the focus is entirely on the benefit of the Master. That is not to say that caring, kindness, respect, love, and benefit have no room in the relationship. I am only saying that in my view that is not the focus and therefore inconsequential. A slave, to me, is a personality that thrives, desires, derives strength and fulfillment from the service they give to another without the expectation of anything in return. On the other hand, a submissive is one that desires, needs, and expects a Dominant to focus on her benefit and positive progression towards growth and enrichment in her own life. Now before you all get excited and start to pile the wood around the stake to burn me on, I am only talking in general terms and recognizing that there are crossing elements in both and acknowledgement of individual variation :)
Now that this is really long winded and I applaud you if you were able to muddle all the way through it. I have not even touched on philosophies concearning Dominants as opposed to Masters, Tops and Bottoms, Sadist and Masochist, and Switches (which I think are the most difficult to understand, and I say that because my wife is one). However, I think this is a good start for serious dialogue that IMHO is way way overdue in the lifestyle.
Respectfully,
RazeSadisticCane
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