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Younger Dommes... - 9/26/2006 9:58:28 PM

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/27/2005
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Hello everyone. With the most respect possible, I'm curious why all the Dommes are usually middle age and up? I know there are some younger ones, doesn't seem like there are many nor many in my area for sure. I'm 22 and have been looking for several years for a Domme, and have came to this conclusing. I can't say that I mind older Dommes, and doesn't bother me, but curious lol...

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/26/2006 10:14:08 PM

PrincessArriana

Posts: 11
Joined: 9/15/2006
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LOL

< Message edited by PrincessArriana -- 9/26/2006 10:16:56 PM >

(in reply to UnsureBoi)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/26/2006 10:16:23 PM

PrincessArriana

Posts: 11
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline

IM 21 BUT IM IN NYC MR OHIO..... LOL...

WHENEVER YOU COME TO NY AND CRAVE A GOOD SPANKING, MAYBE SOME DEEP ANAL PENETRATION, OR JUST MY ASS ON YOUR FACE SUFFOCATING YOU,
WRITE ME A LINE...
MISTRESS S

(in reply to PrincessArriana)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/26/2006 10:21:49 PM

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

I have seen plenty of younger dommes and think that number continues to grow.

For relative numbers, I think the question about age applies to BDSM population in general for multiple reasons.

I think one reason is that for some people it takes time to accept or fully embrace their alternative sexuality. Also, with younger people, there are more activities that compete for social time. When I first began to attend munches, BDSM events were not as great a priority amongst social opportunities as they are now. When I first began to attend munches, I was still open to dating vanilla. With time, I have shifted to seeking BDSM-friendly only. This shift plays a key role in the change in priority of BDSM social events.

Financial resources become relevant for pursuing BDSM interests. I chair our local TNG group and am reminded that in college it would have been difficult for me to pursue BDSM like I do now.

A younger person who walks into a social and feels out of place for age will be less likely to be active with that group.

I think there is a greater likelihood for younger people to enter BDSM today than there was 10 years ago. I credit the internet for this trend. Before the internet, the path to become active in BDSM had a higher threshhold and, thus, required greater commitment to BDSM.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 9/26/2006 10:35:11 PM >

(in reply to UnsureBoi)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/26/2006 10:23:55 PM

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

I have actually noticed a similar theme, as well to add to that I have noticed that those I who are younger seem to be doing this for financial gain.

I am also not looking to start a flame war, just a simple observation from wandering online.

I do think that is part of it, my wonderings come from online wanderings. In real life I cannot speak to the financial aspect, however most Dommes I have met in da flesh are also from their 30's and up.

I have some thoughts as to why however I look forward to hearing from others.

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to UnsureBoi)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/26/2006 10:51:28 PM

Posts: 391
Joined: 4/24/2006
From: Dela-where?
Status: offline

OP, I have been lucky, I knew I was dominant young (16) and I am internet saavy. Women are generally not raised to be dominant, they are molded into young ladies, societally conditioned NOT to be dominant. It takes a while to break through/past this type of conditioning. Also, the older you get, the less you let other people's opinions shape your view of yourself, at 20, when people call you a bitch, it tends to hurt, at 28 I have to say it's hurting less (and now most pay dearly for THAT mistake).

I was dominant only in my personal real life relationships until recently, but decided to look into sharing my hobby and dungeon with others. I got so many petitions for my time and attention that I went pro, thinking that would be a good way to satisfy MY urges AND help MANY others realize their fantasies. I joined this site to learn, grow, and ideally meet new subs or slaves that fullfill MY fantasies (having been an active lifestyle domme for 12 years) but here on CM many people see 'pro" or "tribute", label you a whore and they immediately disregard alot of what you say. I think this is sad, because it drives many of the good, young domme away. It's not like we NEED to be here to find clients, I personally am here PRIMARILY to try and build my household, BUT will session with most subs professionally if they seek that, and are not available to apply for a full time, real life, live-in, slave position (which is what I personally seek). I encourage such people to address their kink with their significant other, and hold no rancor at all if they find someone who satisfies them for free, or in a lifestyle sense.

Owned,

I think these are some of the motives for "doing this for financial gain", I'm getting older, and some of these issues are applying less and less

a) supply and demand -- we're younger, in higher demand, and more rare (see reasons above) someday down the road this will work against us, because we will be the 'older' domme, but for now....
b) we're not as established in our lives, many of us are still going through school, or working our first career position, money is tight, and time is scarce for pleasure pursuits
c) to play with people who are not going to make positive contributions to our lives costs us time, energy, (REAL friendship/servitude/etc.would be different, but few 'clients' can say that if at three AM my motorcycle breaks down and I need you to come pick me up, I can call. Because I might wake your ... wife/kids/gerbil/whatever)and the opportunity cost can be high (beat fakesubA for an hour, plus 1 hour of prep/tear down time OR relax on the porch swing listen to the babbling fountain in my garden pond, snuggled up with a good book and a soft blanket for two hours). If a sub wants me to give up something I will find pleasurable, for something that is going to be work (doing an over the knee spanking on someone who joined AARP in the 80s for example) I expect to be compensated for that loss in pleasure, and I'm sorry, but oral servitude and worship is NOT going to do it, no matter how many hours you offer me.*rolls eyes*

--edited for run-ons, there weren't enough so I added some more

< Message edited by demistress -- 9/26/2006 10:55:16 PM >

_____________________________

Mistress Heather
www.niteflirt.com/MizzSpice

Wether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right!

(in reply to Owned1)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/27/2006 12:03:25 AM

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Joined: 8/17/2006
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Pincess Arriana, I'll take all of the above you just mentioned, especially the spanking.

(in reply to PrincessArriana)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/27/2006 1:11:04 AM

Posts: 112
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

I knew around 18 that I was a switch, got involved at 19 in the scene, and for years was the youngest one at the party. I am still usually one of the youngest, and im 25.

It takes a lot of time and maturity to come to terms with the fact that we have weird sexual tastes. There are many that do not find the lifestyle until they are older, and there are some that never find it. Be happy that you have found one aspect of your sexual self earlier than others. But, many others are uncomfortable, and there are a lot that dont like playing in groups with people older than them.

Look for local TNG groups.

(in reply to ineedotk)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/27/2006 1:44:56 AM

mam

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Joined: 6/16/2006
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yes, as has been said.... it takes a female longer to break thru the social conditioning of being submissive, and learning that it is alright to go after what you want instead of taking what is given. Once you get older, you don't really care what anyone says about your sexual pref.
And I still love that photo, pet! :)

mam

(in reply to UnsureBoi)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/27/2006 1:48:44 AM

Kahri

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Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline

I dabbled in the scene from mid 20s, but didn't find it very friendly for the most part. Everyone was older than I, and I always felt that I was "on probation" so to speak, that I had to prove myself and keep doing it. Now, at 40, people don't give me the "but have you ever held a whip before" attitude, even if they don't know me any better than the ones I met at 25. I'd like to think that I exude more confidence than I did then, but honestly I don't think that's it. I was always fairly sure of myself.

As others have mentioned, there were also other claims on my social life.

Plus the money thing was a real stumbling block, as was living in the same town that my parents did. It wasn't that small a town, but they were well known enough that I chose to be careful. So it took a while for me to reach a point in my life where I was settled personally and socially - and 400 miles from my parents.

(in reply to StacyCat)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/27/2006 7:13:30 AM

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

Personally, I think there are dommes of practically every age group. However, I think it fits the theory of personal placement, in which a person sees only what that person is capable of seeing because of personal desire. If you are interested in young dommes, you're going to notice more and more non-young dommes than you would if you were looking for all dommes. I go through the profiles of my area all the time and am amazed at how many differences there are in people by individual demographics. As I'm a male submissive seeking a female dominant, I find there are WAY too many women looking for other women. But in reality, they're no more in abundance than women looking for men. I just notice them more because I find them interesting and desirable, but they stick out because I don't have a chance in hell of causing them to be interested in me.

(in reply to UnsureBoi)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/27/2006 7:22:14 AM

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Joined: 8/16/2006
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I don't think that I unerstand the point you're trying to make, but I want to say that I am a Domme looking for women also, but there is a chance that a man can present himself to me and be desirable. The fact that I put out a search for women is to say that I am having trouble meeting the KIND of woman that I want, men are so OUT there with their sexuality, that I don't need to advertise for one, because I can find the submissive man ANYWHERE.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/27/2006 7:28:01 AM

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From: Stourport-England
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Women are like wine; They start out all sparkly and bubbly and gradually mature into something well worth waiting for, and much stronger.

Late thirties is the best age.

E (38!)

(in reply to MistressMedina)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/27/2006 7:34:55 AM

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: UnsureBoi

Hello everyone. With the most respect possible, I'm curious why all the Dommes are usually middle age and up? I know there are some younger ones, doesn't seem like there are many nor many in my area for sure. I'm 22 and have been looking for several years for a Domme, and have came to this conclusing. I can't say that I mind older Dommes, and doesn't bother me, but curious lol...

While younger age may be a plus in some circles for for bottoms (the idea of "corrupting" the young can be appealing) it is general not a plus for tops anywhere (except maybe porn or professional advertisements though an older prodom has years of experience is worth more in my opinion). Think about it, tops are expected to have experience and to know the technical skills of what they are doing, if they do DS or bondage that's another set of skills and a high level of self awareness.

While age isn't everything it can be a sign of experience to some degree depending on when a person started practicing and learning about BDSM.

Take me as an example. I could say that I've been interested in this stuff since I was a small child but I didn't know that it has specific terms or the concept of safe, sane and consensual until I was 21 then I didn't get involved in a community until I was 23/24 when we had settled down in NYC for a few years.

So how much experience do I have? When do I count it from? For me I don't count it as BDSM experience until I knew about SSC and was reading information specifically to help me figure out how to do things better and was openly discussing things with a partner. Everything before then was interest and experimenting but I don't consider it BDSM experience. Being aware and being purposely is what I consider to be the line between getting experience and just having interests.

I think I am more self-aware with each passing year and I have had time to develop skills and even pass those onto others. I am not the same dominant woman I was at 21 than I am today at 37.

So you are looking for a younger dominant then you need to know that you and she will be doing a lot of learning and growing together. That can be a great thing. But if you are looking for someone with potentially more experience and practice you may need to move your interest age up a few years.

My advice is to ask how much experience they have and to ask them to clarify what they mean by "experience".

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 9/27/2006 7:39:18 AM >

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to UnsureBoi)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/27/2006 7:45:57 AM

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

My guess is that it takes a certain amount of time to 1) understand what society says you should be 2) try it 3) find that it's crap and learn to do your own thing.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to UnsureBoi)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/27/2006 7:48:40 AM

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Also, the fact that your profile is BLANK is a good reason you're not having any luck, no matter what the age of the Domme. There's been lots of threads recently about how to make an excellent profile. Use the search function at the top righthand part of the page. The picture of you kneeling is by far the best pic...glad you chose that one as your first.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to UnsureBoi)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/27/2006 8:06:10 AM

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UnsureBoi

Hello everyone. With the most respect possible, I'm curious why all the Dommes are usually middle age and up? I know there are some younger ones, doesn't seem like there are many nor many in my area for sure. I'm 22 and have been looking for several years for a Domme, and have came to this conclusing. I can't say that I mind older Dommes, and doesn't bother me, but curious lol...

A few observations/questions:

1) Do you really think just a flashed out pic is going to bring the women running? You have a blank profile.

2) I was wondering myself why guys like yourself take on the spelling "boi" when in the leather and gay communities, it references either a genetic female that embodies a male personna or a gay male twink. Your orofile didn't strike me as either, so I was just tryin to figure it out......maybe I missed a memo or something? Curious, yanno.

3) Was this trolling? Yes or no will suffice. (I have my theories.)

< Message edited by MisPandora -- 9/27/2006 8:08:34 AM >

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to UnsureBoi)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/27/2006 8:29:19 AM

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

(quick reply)

How are you looking? Are you involved in your local groups and participate in r/t activities? I have a friend who is in a similar position to you. About once a week I get the "Woe is me there are no Dommes in my age group" IM. I have gotten to the point where my response is simply "sorry". He looks at profiles here and tries to find someone in his age range who will be compatible with him. He goes to vanilla dating sites and gets frustrated when nice vanilla girls want no part in the kink aspects he is desiring much less the control aspects. He refuses to get involved in local activities because "they are all older". Mind you, he has never put in any time to realistically come to the conclusion that it is waste of his time. He also sees no value in them aside from hooking up with his dream girl he can make a life with. So, he does nothing...but bitch. He refuses to do something, anything, to improve his situation no matter how much info he has been given and suggestions. Not only does this frustrate him and those around him but his attitude makes him less attractive by the second.

There are younger people in the scene and every year I see more of them. Many of them are Dommes. I would have to agree with Sea that the Internet plays a large part in this. My suggestion to anyone who is younger is to get involved. Even if you do not immediately find that right person, something even the older folks struggle with, you can learn a ton from those of us who have been around awhile. The more you know, the more you improve yourself, the more you will stand out to those who are young Dommes.

As to why there are fewer 20 something Dommes than 30+...well, probably because they are still finding themselves and exploring along with all the other social, educational and professional responsibilities they have. That's not to say they do not exist but they may be less visible. The best way to change that is to set a precedent and start getting involved. The more who do, the more others will follow. But if everyone complains about it (no, I'm not saying you personally are complaining) and does nothing to change it, then it will continue.

(edited to add quick reply so it doesn't look like I was replying to Mis Pandora)

< Message edited by MsKatHouston -- 9/27/2006 8:30:13 AM >

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to MisPandora)

RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/27/2006 9:53:27 AM

Posts: 1933
Joined: 8/16/2006
From: Sin City
Status: offline

Ahem. I am 26 years old. I've been in the scene since I was 21. I am NOT in this for any sort of financial gain, and resent any implication that I might be. Does this make me the "exception that proves the rule"?

However, I was lucky enough to have a best friend at the age of 21 who introduced me to the lifestyle and helped me understand that my desire to hit people and make them cry was not as messed up as I thought it was. So I think a lot of why there aren't younger Dommes out there is a lack of information. Its not something "nice" girls talk about.

Also, I agree that it partly stems from a lack of self confidence. A 21 year old female tends to still be in that "high school" mentality, where the most important thing in the world is to "fit in" and be like everyone else. I have NEVER been like everyone else, so not fitting in was something I never had to worry about anyway. It also takes some time to shrug off the expectations of your parents. God knows the pressure from them to have the white picket fence and 2.5 children can be overwhelming. I STILL get the dreaded question from my parents of "So when are you getting married?" Nowadays, I can shrug that off. When I was younger it was quite the burden of guilt on my concience.

Anyway, thats just my opinion.

< Message edited by Lorelei115 -- 9/27/2006 9:54:02 AM >

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A sucessful life is not measured by what we do
But by the realization
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RE: Younger Dommes... - 9/27/2006 10:06:01 AM

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

I'm not sure if that was meant as a direct reply to my post or just a fast reply. If it was a direct reply to me, I don't think I stated anywhere that younger Dommes were in it in any way shape or form for financial gain, quite the contrary.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to Lorelei115)

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