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First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 7:00:18 AM

myburningsoul

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/25/2006
From: New Paltz, NY (12561)
Status: offline

I'm curious as to what other Doms do during a first meeting with an on-line Sub to determine is s/he is "the One" (assuming you are monogonous, like me)?

One obviously engages in on-line discussion for a bit to determine theoretical compatability, but when you meet in-person for the first time what is your personal protocol?

I've discovered that, first off, it's better to meet a Sub in her hometown at a neutral location. A D/s relationship is built on trust, which is more readily given in a safe environment. Then an exchange of banter and candid discussion; I must connect with a Sub on more than a physical level, as -- to me -- this is a relationship. But once all that goes smoothly, I need to determine if she is the Sub for me; regardless if the person seems suitable, you don't know the mettle of a Sub until you test them.

The system I've taken to using is thus: in a public place (like a cafe) require eye contact and verbal restrictions. She is told to not look anywhere but at her coffee and not to say anything except "Yes" or "No". Then, under the table, I stroke her leg/thigh and ask her a serious of "embarrising" questions to answer. If she can answer all of them without deviating from the initial eye contact/verbal restriction and not reveal any uncomfortableness to the scenario, then I assume she has enough potential to continue forward in the relationship.

Do any of you other Doms (or Dommes) use a similar tact? And, if so, would you be willing to share?

Post #: 1

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 7:49:22 AM

Iskander

Posts: 264
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline

Uhm, no, I never have and never would use a method like that...
'neutral location', 'built on trust', 'connect with a sub' Where in your method does that come into it?
What about her questions to see if you're "the one"? What about her ability to connect with you?

No wonder you're desperately seeking... Which BTW isn't an attractive trait in a Dom...

Just somethings to ponder...

Iskander...

(in reply to myburningsoul)

Post #: 2

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 7:49:30 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

I promote relaxed conversation with absolutely no fear of breaking a rule or crossing the line of some unknown protocol.

I want to see how this person would interact with me just as he/she would if they were in a completely vanilla environment. It is far too easy for someone to attempt to pull off some staged/put-on image of obedience or formalized training... being yourself, well that is harder to pretend to be.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 9/28/2006 7:50:31 AM >

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to myburningsoul)

Post #: 3

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 8:07:30 AM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

A first meet for me is about getting to know them as a person. Protocols come AFTER both agree on a dynamic. I want a full relationship and getting to know him as a person comes first. If all he's interested in is "testing" my submissive compatibility on a first meet, then forget it. I haven't agreed to submit yet and that to me is presuming a non existant dynamic. Not gonna work with me.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 4

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 8:57:17 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I'd never do anything like this for a first meeting. First meetings, for me, are about learning if I'm compatible with the person's personality and if there is any chemistry between us. I doubt I'd require any protocol, but I'd notice if they did it, especially if it was something I'd stated in the manual. I'd want them to be relaxed and comfortable, not feeling like they had to perform or jump through hoops. If I'm to have a relationship, I need to know the person they are when they're just being themselves. Not that what you described wouldn't be hot! I just don't think it's appropriate for a first meeting.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to myburningsoul)

Post #: 5

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 9:45:52 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

If a person has a first meeting like that, they aren't interested in a relationship, they are interested in getting a sex kink high.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 6

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 10:57:00 AM

RedSavageSlave

Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myburningsoul

I'm curious as to what other Doms do during a first meeting with an on-line Sub to determine is s/he is "the One" (assuming you are monogonous, like me)?

If you can determine such from a "first meeting" then I would say you are pretty darn psychic....or you have incredibly low standards.

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to myburningsoul)

Post #: 7

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 10:59:25 AM

RedSavageSlave

Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myburningsoul

The system I've taken to using is thus: in a public place (like a cafe) require eye contact and verbal restrictions. She is told to not look anywhere but at her coffee and not to say anything except "Yes" or "No". Then, under the table, I stroke her leg/thigh and ask her a serious of "embarrising" questions to answer. If she can answer all of them without deviating from the initial eye contact/verbal restriction and not reveal any uncomfortableness to the scenario, then I assume she has enough potential to continue forward in the relationship.

Where did you get the idea that it was ok to "expect, assign, or require" anything from someone that you dont own in the first place??? Have you been learning about D/s from chat rooms???

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to myburningsoul)

Post #: 8

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 11:06:04 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

Once, when I was VERY new to this (about three years ago), I met a Dominant man for lunch. He asked me to wear a wide, black dog-collar while we age AND…he chained my wrists together with another dog-collar/choke-chain. He ordered our meals and watched me eat with both hands following my fork to my mouth. He tried to get me to follow him to a corset-maker we both knew of…so that he could order a corset for me. I decided it was all just too much. It was weird kinda watching me deal with that kind of behavior. While I rather enjoyed the humiliation and dominance…I lost all respect for the guy for doing it on a first date. I’d never do such a thing again. First dates shouldn’t be about D/s in my book; but about two people meeting to see if they ‘click’ enough to continue… I don't 'do' sex on a first date; but I think if I did 'click' and spent the rest of the day together...I could play (amongst friends at a club here) with someone after a first date. But...that's just me.

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 9

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 11:08:06 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedSavageSlave

Where did you get the idea that it was ok to "expect, assign, or require" anything from someone that you dont own in the first place??? Have you been learning about D/s from chat rooms???

Yup, my sentiments, exactly. That first time was an aberration I was playing with. Never again. The folks who get all 'Dommy' with perfect strangers are a bit over the top, for me.

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 10

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 11:10:27 AM

DoctorDubious

Posts: 267
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myburningsoul

.

The system I've taken to using is thus: in a public place (like a cafe) require eye contact and verbal restrictions. She is told to not look anywhere but at her coffee and not to say anything except "Yes" or "No". Then, under the table, I stroke her leg/thigh and ask her a serious of "embarrising" questions to answer. If she can answer all of them without deviating from the initial eye contact/verbal restriction and not reveal any uncomfortableness to the scenario, then I assume she has enough potential to continue forward in the relationship.

Sounds like silly nonsense to me.
Almost certain NOT to discover anything of merit for either party.

DD

(in reply to myburningsoul)

Post #: 11

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 11:16:10 AM

SaphireLynn

Posts: 145
Joined: 2/15/2005
Status: offline

I will have to agree with the others... On the first meeting I NEVER play I like to get to know the person as a human being what they like and enjoy and see what of anything W/we may have in common... A relaxing dinner then a drink or two then W/we both go O/our seperate ways... to think....

_____________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But he that dares not grasp the thorn
Should never crave the rose.
~~~Anne Bronte~~~
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 12

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 11:21:03 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myburningsoul

When you meet in-person for the first time what is your personal protocol?

Are we talking before or after the physical and internal examination? Being a first meeting and all, it affects my real answer.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to myburningsoul)

Post #: 13

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 11:22:37 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

<rolls eyes>

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 14

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 11:34:48 AM

LadyLockdown

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/18/2006
Status: offline

Every sub I have actually been intersted enough to meet face to face always expected me to dominate them immediately and if I do not, they disappear after the meeting never to be seen again...lol...I don't play that game in vanilla world and it is no different on this side of the curtain...I am me, intelligent, artistic, creative, outgoing and physically active. I am not always going to stay cooped up in the house beating him into submission...he has to give it before I can accept it. For my purposes, that is what the first meeting is; his opportunity to offer a bit of surrender.I meet them in public to determine: How do we connect as human beings? Is he someone I want my friends and family to know? Is he engaging and fun to be with outside of the dungeon? Does he have more to offer me than to be a whipping boy? If his focus is only on what I can do to satisfy his kink; we're done.
I am seeking a lifelong relationship, not just a toy or play mate.

I have had them meet me in vanilla places as well as lifestyle clubs at different times...depends on the on-line and telephone connection we have established by the time we agree to meet; but it is always for a social meeting/inspection: How does he present to the world at large? How are his manners? What is his conversation style?
A first meeting is just as much a fact-finding expedition as everything else until the collar is locked around their sweet little throat.
The final question I ask before I end the date, "Do I enjoy his company enough to be in his presence on a daily basis for at least a month?" If I can answer yes, it is a solid lead to a possible match. If not, we go our separate ways. And of course, often during that first month of being together as much as possible, we determine it will not develop beyond what we already share.
Hope this will be of some help.

Be joyful in all that you do!

_____________________________

"Chain of Command....the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who's in ruttin' command"

(in reply to Bearlee)

Post #: 15

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 8:21:57 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myburningsoul

I'm curious as to what other Doms do during a first meeting with an on-line Sub to determine is s/he is "the One" (assuming you are monogonous, like me)?

One obviously engages in on-line discussion for a bit to determine theoretical compatability, but when you meet in-person for the first time what is your personal protocol?

I've discovered that, first off, it's better to meet a Sub in her hometown at a neutral location. A D/s relationship is built on trust, which is more readily given in a safe environment. Then an exchange of banter and candid discussion; I must connect with a Sub on more than a physical level, as -- to me -- this is a relationship. But once all that goes smoothly, I need to determine if she is the Sub for me; regardless if the person seems suitable, you don't know the mettle of a Sub until you test them.

The system I've taken to using is thus: in a public place (like a cafe) require eye contact and verbal restrictions. She is told to not look anywhere but at her coffee and not to say anything except "Yes" or "No". Then, under the table, I stroke her leg/thigh and ask her a serious of "embarrising" questions to answer. If she can answer all of them without deviating from the initial eye contact/verbal restriction and not reveal any uncomfortableness to the scenario, then I assume she has enough potential to continue forward in the relationship.

Do any of you other Doms (or Dommes) use a similar tact? And, if so, would you be willing to share?

From this submissives viewpoint.I would find this whole scenerio contrived and certainly off putting.I want to get to know the Dominant as a person,his thoughts,ideas,aspirations,intelligience.To see how he conducts himself with me and others about him.To have a Dominant do such a test with me would have me walking out the door with a carefree wave and a roll of the eyes...Tempting

(in reply to myburningsoul)

Post #: 16

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 8:34:06 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

I've recently been contacted by two seemingly decent gentlemen, but when the time comes to talk about possibly meeting, things go absolutely south for me when they say "I want to meet you with your toys." I want to say " Expletive you", go buy your own toys if that is all you need!
Invite me on a normal date, and while I have no absolute rules about playing on first date, it certainly won't be because horny boy demands it of me. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to LadyLockdown)

Post #: 17

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 8:47:18 PM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

You really cannot be serious !?!?

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to myburningsoul)

Post #: 18

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 9:12:02 PM

diaphane

Posts: 24
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline

I've actually had a similar experience to what the OP posted tonight with a Dom who wanted to meet very soon and interview and test me physically. He actually wanted to have a sexual encounter. And told me that this is the way things are done in this lifestyle and that I needed to decide if I really belonged in this lifestyle... did I wanted a boyfriend or a Dom. Every time I tried to talk about myself, or my concerns or what I was looking for in a Dom, he pushed it aside and said that all that mattered is if I was willing to submit and obey. I felt very pressured and red flags were going off everywhere. It's not at ALL what I've learned from this site and other reputable sites about what you should look for in finding/meeting a Dom/sub. I feel much more comfortable about my decision to back away now that I've read this thread. Thank you all. =)

(in reply to LadyLockdown)

Post #: 19

RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 9:24:37 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

If you can find another submissive interested in your kink without having to lie to her about "what real submissives should do", or by nonconsensually pushing your discomfort kink on to her before asking her if that is ok... well have fun

Personally if you tried to do that crap to me without gaining my verbal consent I would get up and walk out on you and think that you were into nonconsensual kinks which is not what my experiences with D/s show me WIITWD is all about.. if it isn't consensual then it isn't WIITWD period

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to myburningsoul)

Post #: 20

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