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Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 1:21:51 PM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
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One of my best girl friends is having a hard time in life right now. She is a union carpenter, and so her work is physically demanding. She is also a single mom who supports her daughter...and is in the process of remodeling her condo. She has had some deep issues that have been wearing her down, and has to make some tough descisions in the near future.

One of the last comments my girl friend said to me during a conversation last night, was one that struck a note in my mind. She said, "i just wish i had a good man to come home to that would know just how to take care of me and be there for me. i just need to be taken care of so badly at times, for lately i feel so tired and worn down to the core."

i thought about this statement today, and it got me to wondering.

If i didn't know her, i may have not been able to differentiate whether she was a dominant or a submissive, if i only had that one statement to go on.

Two general perspectives come to mind in the moment. As in, a dominant can come home weary from a hard day, to a caring sub or slave, who knows exactly what is needed to please and serve the dominant. A sub or slave can come home weary from a hard day, and trust that the dominant is there to offer protection and care.

So with this thought in mind, of who serves who, how does this apply to your relationship?
Would you say it is a fit for both sides of M/s, or would you say it applies more to one side then the other?

Does this statement sound like it would belong more to a dominant, or, lean more to a submissive line of thought?

Post #: 1

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 1:30:12 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

This is why I say over and over again service does NOT equal submission. Some of the best dominants give service to their lives and loved ones to a very high degree.

Submission and domination is about authority. Service is something that all giving and loving people provide.

I know it's hard for a lot of subs to let go of authority over being served, but it's very wonderful when they can.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 2

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 1:40:04 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

To me it sounds like a Dominant comment, but then I'm dominant and have said such

I know exactly what your friend is going through as I own a home building company. Before I had a full crew working for me I had to do alot of the work with 4 men and we were sometimes stretched so thin it was just painful. Talk about long hours and feeling beaten down, yep I understand.

Some nights I would come home and wish I had a naked sub waiting for me with a nice dinner prepared and then a hot bubble bath to be followed with a massage as dessert.
Now I have that and wouldn't trade it for the world. He makes me feel so good when I come home after a long day at work.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 3

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 1:43:09 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

"Intent" is everything.

The submissive is serving the dominant to make their life easier and to please them.. while the Dominant (doing the same act) would be "taking care" of his/her "property".

One does not 'serve' their car because they are changing the oil and waxing it. :)
(just a thought..)

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 10/10/2006 1:45:50 PM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 4

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 1:46:31 PM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

Service doesnt equal submission.

Dominant types serve. Submissive types serve. Switches Serve.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 5

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 1:54:22 PM

InChargeandHappy

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline

I enjoy being out in the world and making money to keep my house and all that live in it. My last sub moved on and is at school. He called and said he liked it better under my wing. It's all about choices. I would like a bubble bath when I get in tonight.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 6

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 1:56:31 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

As a submissive I tend to want to care for my Daddy, but as having done hard work in the past I tend to understand your friend's statement... anyone that works a hard job and has much responsibility on their shoulders feels the need to be "babied" at times. Over the years I have gotten tired of shouldering the burdens of single motherhood alone, and felt as your friend did.

I think that the trick of the thing is this, a submissive gives service automatically (service oriented ones within the structure of their relationship), and a dominant trains a submissive in how she is to be of service to him. A dominant has to read a submissive and know her to determine when she needs him to be of service to her. It is his decision as to when to tell her to put her feet up and lift her burdens. My Daddy has said at times "If I want to do things for you, I will, and you will let me because I decide when I want to do that". So in some ways the submissive has the easier job, she knows what is expected and carries through unless instructed otherwise, whereas a dominant has to be aware of a submissives needs all the time. I am just stating this from my own perspective, and not saying this is true of everyone

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 7

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 2:00:59 PM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

I think in any relationship vanilla or BDSM both (or more) parties involved need to feel important to the other.
From the Dom side I hear helping you sub stay happy makes them much more fun to be around so it could be looked at as a selfish thing for those Doms who are too insecure to admit they TKO their sub and it's not just about them the Dom.
From the sub point of view I personally does not see this as topping or in control or serving me. It's like maintenance on your car. If you don't take care of it it will leave you stranded on the side of the road one day.

It's supposed to be an energy exchange, not a raging river running only one way.

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 8

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 2:02:18 PM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

never mind

< Message edited by onestandingstill -- 10/10/2006 2:03:58 PM >

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 9

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 2:05:05 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I would say a Dominant/submissive relationship is a mutual one. If Masters needs some babying I am there to do it. If I have had a rough day he is there to give me some also. I do not think by a Dominant giving some extra TLC when needed to a sub takes any of their authority away. I think it just shows how much they care.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 10

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 2:07:17 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

It is a dominant comment but not necessarily made by a person who is dominant. Everyone makes these types of comments regardless of their roles. Similar to a person wanting to be held after a rough day. Sounds like something a submissive person likes but does not make the person a submissive.

I agree with everyone else, that taking care of someone is not equal to being submissive and in all type of healthy relationships that both parties are taking care of the other person in the way that is needed and works for both people. A submissive might do things more overtly in the service area and consciously go the extra mile without orders or direction but there are many people in life who love looking out for there love one by serving them and are no way submissive.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 11

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 2:08:25 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Why does being Dominant preclude that we can't be hurt, in need of care or simply just want to be touched in a soft way? *scratches head*

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 12

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 2:13:51 PM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

i wouldn't place it in either camp without more information.

Service is provided by both parties even in an M/s relationship it is mearly the form of the service that is different.
Dominant parties provide different services than submissive parties, but both are serving the relationship and each other.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 13

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 2:18:22 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer
i wouldn't place it in either camp without more information.

Service is provided by both parties even in an M/s relationship it is mearly the form of the service that is different.
Dominant parties provide different services than submissive parties, but both are serving the relationship and each other.

While obviously no one in any relationship provides exactly the same services as the other to them, I think in many ways both parties in Ms and Ds relationships provide the same services to eachother.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 14

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 2:20:17 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Why does being Dominant preclude that we can't be hurt, in need of care or simply just want to be touched in a soft way? *scratches head*

Master Fire

...and yes.. A Dom/me CAN give head in a VERY Dominant Fashion! :) LOL

I go back to this.. it's all about "intent". Both sides know that if "Momma/Daddy isn't happy.. NOBODY'S happy!"

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 15

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 2:28:47 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Dear R.

My ideal of a realtionship has always been one in which she works to please me, and I work to take care of her (and pleasing me doesn't preclude taking care of me, and taking care of her includes pleasing her).

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 16

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 2:31:50 PM

Master96

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline

I agree with the car thing. But we have to remember that Dom/me and sub/slave are human beings after all.

_____________________________

Master96,

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Understand that actions will always speak louder than words.

Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence? - Sai Baba

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 17

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 3:55:14 PM

SirLordTrainer

Posts: 820
Joined: 5/6/2004
From: Indy
Status: offline

Could be from either IMO.. Mutually interdependent, opposite ends of the same stick ...

_____________________________

Accepting one's own imperfections eliminates a roadblock to progress.

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 18

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 5:24:21 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: raiken

One of my best girl friends is having a hard time in life right now. She is a union carpenter, and so her work is physically demanding. She is also a single mom who supports her daughter...and is in the process of remodeling her condo. She has had some deep issues that have been wearing her down, and has to make some tough descisions in the near future.

One of the last comments my girl friend said to me during a conversation last night, was one that struck a note in my mind. She said, "i just wish i had a good man to come home to that would know just how to take care of me and be there for me. i just need to be taken care of so badly at times, for lately i feel so tired and worn down to the core."

i thought about this statement today, and it got me to wondering.

If i didn't know her, i may have not been able to differentiate whether she was a dominant or a submissive, if i only had that one statement to go on.

Two general perspectives come to mind in the moment. As in, a dominant can come home weary from a hard day, to a caring sub or slave, who knows exactly what is needed to please and serve the dominant. A sub or slave can come home weary from a hard day, and trust that the dominant is there to offer protection and care.

So with this thought in mind, of who serves who, how does this apply to your relationship?
Would you say it is a fit for both sides of M/s, or would you say it applies more to one side then the other?

Does this statement sound like it would belong more to a dominant, or, lean more to a submissive line of thought?

I'd say you've already had some great answers.

For me, I want to be served by someone who is happy doing so. It seems a natural thought process that, for the type of submissive that would fit me (and from what I've learned, a lot of dominants), in order for her to do that job right, it is 'on me' to take care of her. Being the one in charge and the "authority" figure doesn't take away from the fact that I need comfort at times...so how could telling my submissive to put her feet up or putting my arms around her and whispering to her "it'll be alright, just rest right here against this chest for awhile" or giving her a massage take away the fact that I am still the dominant?

I don't really take the comment as dominant or submissive...I take it as a human being admitting their vulnerability; that they've about reached their breaking point and that having someone who cares would go a long way towards pulling them back from that point.

It's a comment that, to me, should be able to come from either side of the D/s relationship.

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 19

RE: Who serves who? - 10/10/2006 5:39:08 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: raiken

One of my best girl friends is having a hard time in life right now. She is a union carpenter, and so her work is physically demanding. She is also a single mom who supports her daughter...and is in the process of remodeling her condo. She has had some deep issues that have been wearing her down, and has to make some tough descisions in the near future.

One of the last comments my girl friend said to me during a conversation last night, was one that struck a note in my mind. She said, "i just wish i had a good man to come home to that would know just how to take care of me and be there for me. i just need to be taken care of so badly at times, for lately i feel so tired and worn down to the core."

i thought about this statement today, and it got me to wondering.

If i didn't know her, i may have not been able to differentiate whether she was a dominant or a submissive, if i only had that one statement to go on.

Two general perspectives come to mind in the moment. As in, a dominant can come home weary from a hard day, to a caring sub or slave, who knows exactly what is needed to please and serve the dominant. A sub or slave can come home weary from a hard day, and trust that the dominant is there to offer protection and care.

So with this thought in mind, of who serves who, how does this apply to your relationship?
Would you say it is a fit for both sides of M/s, or would you say it applies more to one side then the other?

Does this statement sound like it would belong more to a dominant, or, lean more to a submissive line of thought?

I'd say you've already had some great answers.

For me, I want to be served by someone who is happy doing so. It seems a natural thought process that, for the type of submissive that would fit me (and from what I've learned, a lot of dominants), in order for her to do that job right, it is 'on me' to take care of her. Being the one in charge and the "authority" figure doesn't take away from the fact that I need comfort at times...so how could telling my submissive to put her feet up or putting my arms around her and whispering to her "it'll be alright, just rest right here against this chest for awhile" or giving her a massage take away the fact that I am still the dominant?

I don't really take the comment as dominant or submissive...I take it as a human being admitting their vulnerability; that they've about reached their breaking point and that having someone who cares would go a long way towards pulling them back from that point.

It's a comment that, to me, should be able to come from either side of the D/s relationship.

I have to agree fully with Creative here it has nothing to do with D/s it has to do with humanity and the stressores life can bring at any given time to anyone Dominant, submissive, vanilla the whole shebang....Tempting

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 20

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