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Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 9:11:40 AM   
BlouLady


Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		For many years I've desired being slave/sub,but my mate never showed intrest. I've done everything I could to fufill all of his desires,without really expressing my own. i finally broached the subject and he said he was willing to try,but his heart isn't in it.He says it makes him nervous and afraid he'll mess up,then went and called it creepy. Should I just put the collar away and deny this side of me? He still says he'll try but I feel bad now about this like maybe I'm strange for wanting it. He wants me to tell him how to be Dom and I don't know. What can I do?
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RE: Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 9:36:19 AM   
slave4mzpatti


Posts: 39
Joined: 10/20/2004
Status: offline 		It would be easier if you had dominate yearnings. You coul take small steps in dominating him. Maybe you could do some things to him you would like done to you. Small things at first like a blindfold during sex.He might find it exciting and then it would be your turn next time.

(in reply to BlouLady)
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RE: Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 9:40:13 AM   
slave4mzpatti


Posts: 39
Joined: 10/20/2004
Status: offline 		Maybe you could do some things to him that you would like done to you. Small things at first like maybe a blindfold during sex. Then next time it would be your turn. I have found most doms do things to themselves to see how it feels before doing it on a sub

(in reply to BlouLady)
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RE: Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 10:02:47 AM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

For many years I've desired being slave/sub,but my mate never showed intrest.


This is not uncommon... I know I had a similar problem. Unfortunately that doesn't make me very experienced in suggesting how best to handle it. Its tough.

Do not push him too hard - if his comfort level is exceeded, he will push back. Some people have had some success at developing some interest in their spouses. Perhaps they will be able to recommend some books... I Know that such books exist and I think some are well regarded.

I understand how difficult this is for you both. You have my warmest wishes for success.

(in reply to BlouLady)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 10:22:56 AM   
BlouLady


Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you for your support and well wishes!

(in reply to onceburned)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 11:44:43 AM   
sprite67


Posts: 18
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline
I have been married for three and a half years to a man who was a little weirded out at first by my desire to be submissive, then slowly came to try to do it, but wanted instructions, and wanted me to somehow be in charge of him being in charge, and I went from trying to please him by trying to NOT need to be submissive, to being angry about it, to resigning myself to the idea that he just didn't have it in him to be dominant... and then, somehow, he "got it".

I used to feel guilty... if I was submissive, and he didn't want to be dominant.. then was I being un-submissive by wanting him to be dominant? How could he NOT be dominant and me stay true to myself as a submissive, and express who I really am inside? But I could SEE it in him... otherwise I don't think I'd have been attracted to him in the first place. He certainly has some switch in him... but it was clear he wanted to be in charge, but was afraid or embarrassed about it himself.

I think the thing that really changed was inside him, and has little to do with anything I've done, other than to learn to accept him where he was, and as who he was, and to slowly teach him more about me and what I wanted, and my own realization that he wasn't going to object if I made him coffee, or if I helped him with his work, or if I handed him a towel after his shower (if i wasn't dramatic about it, but did it humbly and in a way that really WAS a service to him)...and it slowly became a part of our lives in little ways that didn't scare him, and one day, he realized what I was wanting, and that he could benefit from that too!

I think that at first, I was a little embarrassed by my own needs, and presented them in a way that DID make them look a little weird. And I think I tried to force or beg him to take on the role of dominant instead of me learning how to be truly in service to him. Once I stopped trying to make him jump from where he was to where I wanted him to be and let him grow at his own speed into it... he came to love me for who I am, and I came to love him and accept him for who he is... the whole issue became a NON-issue. We're now playing with some ideas for a few areas where we can move from what we've been doing to more of a 24/7 arrangement, but one baby step at a time, using our own model that fits into our own lives...and making sure we each get to bring all of ourselves with us, and not deny any of the feelings or issues that need to be processed for us to get out of it all we can.

Oh, I'm so thankful and happy.... but it's been a long road. I wish you the best luck and all the time in the world in loving eachother as whoever you are, and making eachothers needs and desires the focus of your lives.

(in reply to BlouLady)
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RE: Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 12:17:03 PM   
Goodmix


Posts: 86
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline 		There's a book called "Differnt Loving" that goes into how there isn't anything "creepy" about our desires that might help. Also, the standard "Screw the Roses ~ Send me the thorns" might help as well.
Good Luck

(in reply to BlouLady)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 12:18:29 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		How about looking up a local munch group to you? That way he can become somewhat educated even if he sits in silence. He will still hear other's chatting amoungst themselves. Get yourself invited to a party. There is no rule you must play. The two of you can sit back and watch. Never know, it may excite him or at the very least intrigue him a bit more.
We actually have had a woman do this with her vanilla husband in our group. He is coming along slowly but he loves coming to parties and munches. He is starting to play with her.

Normally I'd suggest book reading but, if he isn't all that into it to begin with let him be educated without even knowing he is.


(in reply to BlouLady)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 12:24:29 PM   
BlouLady


Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		I can not begin to tell you how much your story helped me!!!! I'm excited to know that there is a chance. Thank you Thank you Thank you for sharing with me!! When he comes home I'll let him read this and maybe it will help him to.Love you for your support!!----Lady

(in reply to sprite67)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 1:37:23 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		Gloria,
I disagree with you...
I like the "different loving" or "the Loving Dominant" book suggestion better; maybe even read together... I also loved reading AKASHA on the web because it's all about "no pressure", go at your own pace.

I seriously doubt he's going to go to a munch (be seen socially with lifestyle people he may feel uncomfortable about), even if just to sit; If he feels it's weird, he's not going to want to be weird in public, yah know what I mean; I think that requires higher comfort level.
Good luck BlouLady. M

(in reply to sub4hire)
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RE: Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 2:12:01 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I seriously doubt he's going to go to a munch (be seen socially with lifestyle people he may feel uncomfortable about), even if just to sit; If he feels it's weird, he's not going to want to be weird in public, yah know what I mean; I think that requires higher comfort level.


Very well could be. I was quoting real life experiences. Most..well all who have taken that route are gradually getting into the lifestyle. At least the one's I've met. They always announce their significant others too.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 3:17:22 PM   
Alexander


Posts: 159
Joined: 12/10/2004
Status: offline 		This might be innapropriate for your relationship or your own levels of readiness but your problem has a fairly quick and easy solution.

Buy rent find or borrow another woman. She should be remarkably fu**able. She should be submissive trained in service preferably a sexual service she should know how to beg and how to play.

You will have to either play switch or find rent or borrow a Dominant. Use the little thing to your hearts content. Dont make him do anything. If he volunteers sure. go to town.

afterward, discuss, beg, convince, describe how you want it just like that and how it makes you feel. Good luck!

Alex.

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 6:34:22 PM   
BlouLady


Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		this is her mate... i don't think the idea of dom/sub relations is creepy, i just love her too much to be comfortable in NOT wanting to please her. we are coming along, and will continue to improve. thank you for your response, but i think she misrepresented my hang-up. i just want to please her.............-Sirus

(in reply to slave4mzpatti)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 6:37:41 PM   
BlouLady


Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		this is her mate. thank you for your help, but i don't have any problem with the idea. i just haven't had the DOM desire, and don't know the role. i love her, and will please her however i can. i will learn, she won't have to "push", just let me learn.
thank-you for your help again........-Sirus

(in reply to onceburned)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Balance on uneven ground - 2/9/2005 6:42:33 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

What can I do?


Here are a few suggestions that helped with my Hubby: shop together at an adult store, maybe buy a beginners bondage kit and other toys; rent some bondage videos and discuss with him what you like about them; and show him some websites both educational ones and bondage porn ones that turn you on.

Here are a few threads that might help you too:

help required

vanilla partners



_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to BlouLady)
Profile   Post #: 15
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