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Need Ugrent Help - 2/11/2005 6:18:54 PM

Posts: 115
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Dear Mistresses,

I finnally found a great Woman, but some old demons have started to resurface in my life. She says She wants to work with me to get through those demons, but I just don't want to hurt her. Nightmares are getting worse and I need to keep my distance from people for awhile. My question is how I can end this or take a break without hurting Her honor and feelings. I really do care about her and want to do the best thing.

Thank You Kindly
The Wolf Man
"Patriots would die for their country, but the soldier makes the other SOB die for his."

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/11/2005 6:58:44 PM

Posts: 152
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

Hello Wolf Man,

I would hope that if you are in a serious relationship, you would trust her to try to help you with whatever issues you are dealing with. Depending on your relationship, your Domme may be driven to help you with those things, because she cares about you and takes on that role to assist you in becoming the best person that you can be. If you truly feel that you cannot allow her to help you, being honest with her about needing a break is the best way to go. I do not know how long you have been with her, but open communication is essential, in my opinion. There is no guarantee that she will not be hurt, but by being as open and honest as possible you can at least feel that you have done your best.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to WulfMan)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/11/2005 7:03:29 PM

Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline

I doubt you can end it or take a break without hurting her feelings. Is there some reason you can't work with her on your rough spots? It sounds to me as if you are just looking for validation to leave the relationship, that you have already decided that the demons are the winners between you and your Mistress.

(in reply to WulfMan)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/11/2005 8:14:41 PM

Posts: 115
Status: offline

I suppose both of you are right. I just personally don't think she deserves to deal with my bs. I don't know what to do but I'll try to get through it, I really just don't want to hurt her in the long run.
Thanks

(in reply to MsSilvie)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/11/2005 8:41:43 PM

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: WulfMan
I don't know what to do but I'll try to get through it, I really just don't want to hurt her in the long run.
Thanks

I don't think you should end the relationship IF you really care for her; I think you should tell her the honest truth about what is going on with you, and you can both decide on the best course of action; she may want to stay and help you work it through, or indeed she may decide it's too much for her;
...but, what is not fair/kind/respectful to her is your decision that whatever is going on is more important than your honesty/trust to/for her, so that you're considering leaving on that alone... M

(in reply to WulfMan)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/12/2005 6:21:03 AM

Posts: 49
Joined: 7/23/2004
Status: offline

If you really care for her, Tell her the truth and let her decide, Since she's the one who will get hurt!

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/12/2005 6:51:14 AM

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: WulfMan

I suppose both of you are right. I just personally don't think she deserves to deal with my bs. I don't know what to do but I'll try to get through it, I really just don't want to hurt her in the long run.
Thanks

Sometimes, when we're afraid someone is going to push us away because of some character about ourselves that we think is heinous, we tend to push that person away first - before they get a chance to push us away. Because if they left us that would just be too much. Only you can say whether that applies or not.

Either way, you can tell her what you do and don't think she deserves, but you don't get to decide for her. That's for her, not you. Care about her? Then give her the freedom to think for herself (I suspect you may have, or maybe are about to, fought hard for freedom, yes?).

Honor her by honoring her right to decide whether to risk being hurt. It's her right, just as you have your rights. Also know that PTSD is difficult but treatable. Are you taking care of your personal responsibilities and getting that (or some other) treatment? I hear you saying you prefer to be alone to fight this fight. Tell her that and ask her to help you find a way to honor both of your needs.

There may be an answer somewhere in the middle, if you can remember what is yours to deal with and what is hers to deal with and honor that.

Best of luck to you with it.

< Message edited by MizSuz -- 2/12/2005 6:57:26 AM >

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to WulfMan)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/12/2005 9:20:58 AM

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

After reading your profile, I have to ask what these demons are.. you're a bit young for such serious problems. I don't mean to mitigate whatever is wrong, I just want you to get some perspective. If you have something awful enough in your past to have left you with PTSD you need to seek therapy. (Actually, in any case I'd recommend therapy for you.) You sound like this is a new relationship. (I also get that idea from your profile, since you joined on 1/11 and were single at that time) New relationships are scary things. A lot in your profile indicates that you have a strong need to be independent, from your choice of ID name to your mention of being an "adventure seeker" "wild child" and "not easy to tame." It can be hard for such a person to settle into a regular relationship because of the freedoms they have to give up. A D/s relationship is even harder. You may be subconsciously looking for a way to sabotage the relationship. Baggage is a great way to do that. You have two choices here.. stay with her and do your best to work things out, or give up, run away and lick your wounds. What type of person are you? The one who tries, or the one who runs?

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to WulfMan)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/12/2005 10:17:23 AM

Posts: 115
Status: offline

Dear Ma'am
If you must know what my demons are i'll tell you. My parents have been divorced for a very long time, my mom decided to re-marry. And of course she has to choose one of the biggest low lives in the world. He often came home drunk and started to smack me and my mom around. Well one night he came home drunk again my mom told him she was gonna leave her, so he desided to grab a baseball bat and go after my mom. I grabbed a knife came up from behind him and slit his throat. The courts ruled it as self defense, and I've had nightmares ever since. I just try to cover them up by living life fairly wild. But it's hard to escape. Most people see me has a hero, I almost feel like a murderer.

(in reply to BeachMystress)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/12/2005 11:05:12 AM

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
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Christ...
Did you tell your Domme this before you got together? You should have...
Have you been in counseling? You need to be, not because you're a murderer, I don't believe you are, but I don't see how you can possibly come to be normal with this without some serious help...

I hate, hate, hate parents who place their offsprings in this predicament. It makes me sick every time I hear it; because the offspring is doing what he/she needs to for the person who is supposed to love and protect them in the world, and the fact of the matter is that if the parent was being a good parent, neither would be in that predicament... That is probably very judgemental on my part, but for me, if I had to go the rest of my days single to protect the SAFETY of the one I gave birth to, I would.

I cannot comprehend why people do this; I understand people have issues, and stay in abusive relationships, but why doesn't the desire to protect the innocent you brought into the world overrule those issues?

Good Luck Wulf; My heart goes out to you, M

(in reply to WulfMan)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/12/2005 12:02:27 PM

Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline

Wulf,

I think what you are experiencing is not something that is going to be able to be resolved just between you and your Mistress. You can get help for your demons, someone who is specifically trained to help with post traumatic stress disorders is going to be needed. There's no reason if you and your Mistress have an overall positive relationship that you would need to stop it just because you are dealing with issues. The person who is most responsible for your health and healing is going to be you. A group of folks who know and support you is very helpful also.

All the best to you.

(in reply to WulfMan)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/12/2005 2:04:20 PM

Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

WulfMan.....given some of the activities that can occur during a play session I hope that your Mistress is aware of what has happened to you. Please make sure you always have safe words handy and that you use them. Those time bombs of PTSD can be triggered by even the most innocent of things unless you have counselling. I know people who have gotten hysterical at the sound of a cigarette tapping because it was sub-consciously associated with past abuse issues that had not been dealt with.

_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to MsSilvie)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/12/2005 5:17:37 PM

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

I don't say this to many, but I truly do not think you belong in BDSM. You need counseling. Big time. You acted in defense of another, but you've yet to work it through. You should NOT be in any situation that your brain may focus on as abuse. One of the things people with PTSD experience are flashbacks. I know someone who broke a man's nose during consensual sex, because something done made her flash back to a nasty rape. PTSD often runs in a cycle. You'll have ever increasing symptoms and then a period of remission. This lets people think they are fine. You are not. You need help. You can NOT do this one alone, and your mistress, unless a professional trained in the support of one with PTSD is not able to fix this for you. She can be support and love only. You have changes in your brain (both the parts that affect memory integration and fear response) as well as other biological changes. You probably have hyper-arousal of the sympathetic nervous system, increased sensitivity of the startle reflex, and sleep abnormalities (your nightmares plus insomnia.) This is not something you can help or change alone. Untreated PTSD can lead to a variety of problems including family and other interpersonal relationship instabilities, problems with employment, and involvement with the criminal justice system. You're at a higher risk of developing alcohol dependence, having major depressive episodes, conduct disorders, and drug dependence. People with PTSD often go to the Dr for Headaches, gastrointestinal complaints, immune system problems, dizziness, chest pain, and discomfort in other parts of the body, which are treated individually, as the Dr in question is usually not aware of the PTSD. This is a disorder treated by specialists, not your family Dr.

The bad news is.. there is no cure for PTSD at this time. There are only treatments. Those treatments can help make your life livable. Now, you had the balls to take care of your mother. Do you have those same balls now to take care of yourself? I sure hope so, because you need the help and didn't deserve the hand you were dealt. Go get help. It is not weak or stupid to do so. It is the right thing.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to WulfMan)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/12/2005 5:35:39 PM

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

Now, you had the balls to take care of your mother. Do you have those same balls now to take care of yourself? I sure hope so, because you need the help and didn't deserve the hand you were dealt. Go get help. It is not weak or stupid to do so. It is the right thing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MizSuz

Honor her by honoring her right to decide whether to risk being hurt. It's her right, just as you have your rights. Also know that PTSD is difficult but treatable. Are you taking care of your personal responsibilities and getting that (or some other) treatment?

When it comes to our own demons we can run, but we just can't hide. This is a HEALTH issue. If you had diabetes you'd go to an endocrinologist, right? Same thing. It's your responsibility to find what works for you in your own health care, but it's health care never the less.

Demons we don't face we give to our children. You ready to live with passing your demons along or would you like to step up and break the cycle? It's on you.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to BeachMystress)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/12/2005 9:51:39 PM

NATI

Posts: 177
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

It sounds like you are REALLLY looking for some closure for this, and with everything that I hold dear - I hope that you find that healing. There is nothing worse that having to defend a loved one in the manner that you have described, and your feelings about your experience are absolutely understandable.

There is help out there for you. And it may open doors that you never imagined possible. You are young, and you have a lot of life ahead of you still, and you can get that closure.

I'm throwing on some links for you. Please, take a look at them.

National Center for PTSD

Treatment Coordination and Advocacy

Post-Traumatic Stress - American Rescue

PTSD Alliance

Sidran Institute

(in reply to MizSuz)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/12/2005 11:41:09 PM

Posts: 115
Status: offline

All I can say is thank you, I have made steps, my mistress is aware of my situation. I'll attempt this help but I am stepping away from the BDSM scence. I think I was drawn to it due to my natural feeling of having to protect, women esspecially. I hope that you don't think I'm nuts. I assure you I am a very sane man, just has some rust on the sides hahaha. I'm glad I posted here, typing out what happened to my hurt, brought back some bad memories. Perhaps confronting them with help will help my future, my future family, and my carrer. Pride in my strength has always been my weakness, pride is my downfall, sometimes it takes a fall to show myself that i'm not strong and need help. I'm greatful to all those that have posted in reply to my cry for help. I wish you all well and I will probably drop in a few posts everynow and again just to stay current haha.

"When Death Stares a Man in the face and smiles, All A Man can do is Smile back"

(in reply to NATI)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/13/2005 12:02:50 AM

Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

WulfMan

I am so glad that you are stepping away from BDSM and seeking professional help. I believe that it shows more courage and strength to seek help and deal with the issues then it does to pretend that you can make it alone. You are not nuts in any way, shape, or form. PTSD is serious and affects every aspect of your life, personality, behaviour, and soul. It is also very very real. Please do stop by and let us know how you are doing.

You did one of the bravest things a human can do when you defended your mother. A professional can help you let go of the guilt for the abuse leading up to it as well as your actions in stopping it. Be well

Gentle Lady

_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to WulfMan)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/13/2005 9:06:05 AM

NATI

Posts: 177
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

You did one of the bravest things a human can do when you defended your mother. A professional can help you let go of the guilt for the abuse leading up to it as well as your actions in stopping it. Be well

Very well said, and I absolutely agree. There is nothing insane about PTSD. IT is a perfectly understandable response to trauma. Sounds to me like you have enough time behind you that you are ready to take the next step, and that's what's important. I wish you the very best of luck, and I also hope that you come back from time to time and let us know how you're doing.

(in reply to GentleLady)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/13/2005 11:28:22 AM

Posts: 62
Status: offline

I can't offer you very much advice. You've already decided the best action to take. Let me ask you this though. Have you discussed a possible "vanilla" relationship with your Mistress? I know, you don't want her hurt. That's admirable in itself! The thing is, if you care about her, there are ways around it. IF she's willing to comprimize too. It's horrible that you had to experience such a thing, and I can't relate to it at all. All I can say is, I'm truely sorry. Life can be extremely hard. What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger.

(in reply to WulfMan)

RE: Need Ugrent Help - 2/13/2005 11:29:37 AM

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WulfMan

Pride in my strength has always been my weakness, pride is my downfall, sometimes it takes a fall to show myself that i'm not strong and need help. I'm greatful to all those that have posted in reply to my cry for help. I wish you all well and I will probably drop in a few posts everynow and again just to stay current haha.

Sometimes the greatest strength is the strength that acknowledges vulnerability. It's certainly HARDER to be vulnerable than it is to be other things that look like strength outwardly.

You strike me as having a pretty good head and heart as a base to work from and you seem interested in personal responsibility and personal power (I'm saying you don't sound like a walking victim to me). I suspect you will do quite well, but I wish you well anyway. <smile>

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to WulfMan)

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