D/s Relationship Life Expectancy

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

D/s Relationship Life Expectancy

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> D/s Relationship Life Expectancy

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 6:57:31 AM

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

As I watch the swirl of personalities and bodies interacting and entwining, both in the d/s realm and in the vanilla world - it seems to me that the kinksters who populate the ranks of d/s are quicker to make definitionally lasting commitments (collaring, m/s, dom/sub) than their vanilla counterparts who tend to date and court for a substantial period of time before commitment. If this is an accurate observation, it is not surprising if (and this appears to me to be the case) supposedly committed d/s relationships have, on average, an even shorter life expectancy than vanilla relationships combined with an even higher mortality rate.

Additionally, it seems to me that the d/s emphasis on the far more easily repudiated "collaring" versus the more traditional public validation of commitment of engagement and marriage tends to facilitate and even encourage the uncommitted commitments I so often observe.

I begin to wonder: Am I mistaken? Has it been merely coincidence that my individual observations support these conclusions? Or, have others noticed the same thing?

< Message edited by 247Master -- 2/17/2005 6:58:36 AM >

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 7:02:54 AM

Posts: 143
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

Wolf and I got together on Oct.17, 1988. I was collared on Oct 17th 1994. I submitted to the marrige on Oct 18th 1997. (the church was booked for the 17th, lol).

While your observations of those you know may be accurate, I know of MANY long term D/s relationships, some 25 years.

(in reply to 247Master)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 7:14:27 AM

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

Access Denied

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 10:24:20 PM >

(in reply to 247Master)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 7:18:41 AM

Posts: 143
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

Riot girl, I think your spot on.

In these days of instant gratification, no one has the attention span to actually build a foundation for a good relationship.
people expect to get one "off the rack" as it were.

Wolf and I were discussing something similar, and came to the conclusion that I do not serve him, or vice versa.

We serve the relationship. We have built it from a small shack to a multi roomed home. For it to survive, compromise, blood, sweat, tears & laughter has to be gone through.

Unfortunately not many are willing to work that hard outside of their personal interests.

< Message edited by Wolfspet -- 2/17/2005 7:19:26 AM >

(in reply to RiotGirl)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 7:45:22 AM

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

As I watch the swirl of personalities and bodies interacting and entwining, both in the d/s realm and in the vanilla world - it seems to me that the kinksters who populate the ranks of d/s are quicker to make definitionally lasting commitments (collaring, m/s, dom/sub) than their vanilla counterparts who tend to date and court for a substantial period of time before commitment.

Actually I've met many mainstream people who've met last week at the bar and married this week. Does it last? Usually no. There are at times it does. Is this any different the lifestyle being added? Not in my mind.
It depends on what we want when we enter any relationship. Are we there for our lust or for something greater? If there for something greater we may just get to know one another in a more than carnal sense and figure out we have something in common that can last a lifetime or realize there is nothing there.
Same way with D/s.
I see, a lot of people daily on both sides of the fence. Those who want a serious committed relationship and those who just want to play. Which ones work in the long term? I think about half and half.
As Doug and I were entering I think it was year 3 someone told me the average D/s relationship lasted 6 months. I could'nt understand why. So, naturally I started asking around. Found out it was quick to tie. Well, there are absolutely no differences just different semantics.
It takes good solid communication and work on both parties for any relationship to survive. If one party is not willing to put the 100% in then you are doomed.

(in reply to 247Master)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 7:50:02 AM

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: 247Master
I begin to wonder: Am I mistaken? Has it been merely coincidence that my individual observations support these conclusions? Or, have others noticed the same thing?

Don't you notice this happens in the vanilla world though? In high school, if you date for two weeks, it's total love and forever and then bam its over and two weeks later it's someone new and amazing and forever...

The same thing is what occurss in the bdsm world. EXCEPT most people these days get into bdsm when they are full adults and so it seems out of place. But really they are just learning to date all over again, learning how to work in a new relationship style. So they get all heady and excited and OMG this is forever...then bam, it falls out.

Eventually you learn how to cope and ride through the waves. But it's a fairly normal learning curve for relationship types. Same thing happens in polyamory too.

(in reply to 247Master)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 7:53:00 AM

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl
Wouldnt it be nice if we could rewind to our grandparents days or rewind to the medieval times?

ummm, NO!

No electricity, no choice as a woman to be who I am, no medical attention, I could go on and on wow...NO WAY.

EVERY generation says "Things have gone to hell in a handbasket...in the old days it was better!"

Um, no. Every generation goes to hell. We're evolving ourselves. Perhaps the issue lies in not understanding the choices we make before we make them. Perhaps the issue lies in that most people aren't meant to be monogamous long term. Perhaps the issue is that most people aren't fully grown up until well beyond normal "marrying age" and to make them do otherwise is wrong.

At any rate, people need to be free to make their choices, and change their minds.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 7:53:41 AM

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

Access Denied

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 10:24:32 PM >

(in reply to Wolfspet)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 8:01:23 AM

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

They dont serve the relationship, they serve themselves

But why be in a relationship if it doesn't serve yourself? Why would you be in a relationship that went against who you are and what makes you fulfilled? Ideally relationships serve everyone who is in them.

Better to know and be honest about it BEFORE making the commitment, but that takes a certain level of self-awareness and experience. Plus- people do simply change.

This doesn't mean you dump your relationship to go hump a new hottie just cuz you hit a rough spot and need to work things through. But relationships should serve everyone in them, including yourself.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 8:08:50 AM

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

This thread might interest you:

average duration of a bdsm relationship

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to 247Master)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 8:14:07 AM

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

it seems to me that the kinksters who populate the ranks of d/s are quicker to make definitionally lasting commitments (collaring, m/s, dom/sub) than their vanilla counterparts who tend to date and court for a substantial period of time before commitment. If this is an accurate observation, it is not surprising if (and this appears to me to be the case) supposedly committed d/s relationships have, on average, an even shorter life expectancy than vanilla relationships combined

24/7,
There is an easy and obvious answer to this. "Kinksters" are not thinking about a lifestyle commitment. They see the 'collar' as but another 'prop' in a scene. It's in vogue to collar and be collared. There is no consideration to its ramifications. It doesn't have the same legal obligations implied. "Foreployers" use it in the same context as saying "I love you" 1:30 AM in a dark bar. The long term commitment implied is just as significant.

There are those who do understand. I agree that they are few and far between, but they do exist. I'd say those are as rare as the marriages that last forever, but in both cases, the reason is because the vows and commitment meant the same.

(in reply to 247Master)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 8:15:30 AM

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

Access Denied

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 10:24:48 PM >

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 8:17:40 AM

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

Access Denied

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 10:24:59 PM >

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 8:28:26 AM

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl
Couldnt we all be so lucky?

I'm not monogamous, heterosexual or vanilla. So no, I wouldn't be happy in that situation at all.

quote:

As for being grown up past marrying age. What is excatly marrying age?

As I said in my post "normal" and I put "marrying age" in quotations to show that thee was no specific age meant. But generally, marrying age is about early to mid twenties (which you disagree with, we could look up stats from census info).

quote:

Its definetly not in the teen years like it was generations ago, its not in the 20's like last generation.. seems to be more in the 30's this generation. Are you saying 30 year olds are not grown up?

I would say 30 year olds are finally starting to be fully independent formed adults.

quote:

Did you know it used to be a custom for early teens to get married? (and those lasted)

Yes, divorce was also not an option in those days, neither was the option for females to have a life outside of marriage. I don't want that.

quote:

Did you know it used to be a custom to have children before you were an adult by legal terms these days?

And you think this is a GOOD thing? I'm GLAD we don't have that anymore (well, we obviously still have younger people having children, but I don't consider that a good thing). Remember, life expectancy is a LOT longer today than it was in those days as well. The growing up process is a lot more extended, and new term "adultescence" is referred to as the older teen/early twenty crowd in terms of still forming emotionally.

Just because the harsh life of the past forced people to band together early and have lots of kids to take care of settlements and work more as a commune than a family, doesn't mean it's something we should try to emulate today.

quote:

Are you telling me it is tougher to make a decision about marriage, that society is tougher on a whole when it comes to marriage these days?

I think people are more free to make choices about marriage these days than they ever have before and are using that freedom. And I prefer it that way.

quote:

Are you saying its wrong to expect people to uphold their commitments after they commit?

I think it's wrong to pressure people to make commitments to others when they don't know who they are yet. I think it's wrong to expect people to uphold commitments they no longer feel true to. Why would you want them to?

quote:

People are free to make commitments or to not make them. Its those that make them and havent the strenght or endurance to uphold them. People make mistakes as well, but is it "right" to make others suffer for one? Should not the one who made the mistake be the first to suffer, or should they be able to skid past the consquences and let everyone else suffer for them?

Would you want to be in a relationship with someone you knew no longer wanted to be in that relationship? Life still is too short, why make either of you deal with that? If mistakes are made and hurt people, that's not fun. But better to be honest about them and move on rather than holding to a false life together.

quote:

We are evolving into what?

One can hope free people.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 8:29:41 AM

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

Why? Because you made a commitment to others.

But you should always be committed to yourself as well.

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who realized that being in a relationship with you was no longer right for them?

(in reply to RiotGirl)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 8:37:32 AM

Posts: 156
Joined: 8/12/2004
Status: offline

Most d/s 'flings" are based on kinky sex. As soon as there is any sort of issue,or the sex gets boring it's over.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 8:41:49 AM

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

Access Denied

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 10:25:22 PM >

(in reply to RealityFix)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 8:59:28 AM

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

Access Denied

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 10:25:39 PM >

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 9:19:29 AM

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl
No pressure. who said anything about pressure? Just DONT MAKE THEM. Its never Wrong to expect some one to uphold a commitment. Are you saying that their "word" isnt good? i guess i wouldnt want them too, because they could continue hiding what type of person they are. A person who has no honor in their words or actions

I agree that not making a commitment is better than destroying lives. However, people change and grow. What commitment is right for us at one point might not be right for us at another. That's not a bad thing and we aren't bad people for it.
It's just reality of life.

I'm also not suggesting that because someone decides after having married and kids that they want to be with a different type of person means they can ethically just walk out the door. Children especially are lifetime commitments. While I'd prefer parents who aren't happy in a relationship anymore be able to amicably agree to end it, and go on with more positive situations while nurturing the children, most parents aren't that well adjusted.

quote:

It can be alot more then just "not fun" Mistakes can change whole lives, several lives. Better to be selfish you mean? Really its all about being self centered and not taking into account those around you.

Better to be honest. There's no point to living life unless you're being true to yourself. Usually, you can take others into account and yourself at the same time without a problem. However, when I asked for release from my previous master, he saw it as being selfish. I of course saw it as I was no longer fulfilled, only growing resentful and unable to serve him and thus there was no point to us being together anymore.

Was it wrong of me to make that request? I don't think so. They have a new sub they are very happy with and I have my relationships which have me thrilled.

quote:

Commitments are supposed to be just that COMMITMENTS. Maybe we should re term it, "until i decide otherwise"

Well that IS what they are already. I accept that people will change, as hard as it may be to have to live with those consequences. If I love that person enough to be committed to them, I have to trust that they know what's best for them, even if its not me anymore.

quote:

Dont fool yourself and dont get your hopes up. For starters, try jaywalking

I'm free to jaywalk, I just have to accept the consequences.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

RE: D/s Relationship Life Expectancy - 2/17/2005 9:51:29 AM

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

quote:

I begin to wonder: Am I mistaken? Has it been merely coincidence that my individual observations support these conclusions? Or, have others noticed the same thing?

M. 247-

I have seen the evidence that you base your thoughts on, but i have a little insight that makes me draw different conclusions:

I know some wonderful couples whose relationship involves this stuff to varying degrees, who, having found 'the good thing' tend to drift away from the scene, often maintaining just a few close friendships, sometimes having a 'kink friendly' holiday party, sometimes intergrating their more leathery friends into their more mundane circle of friends.

Often it is simply having a full non- kink life already that makes trying to maintian two lives just too difficult for these couples, and their invovlement in the scene fades first.

Tangentally, what makes these couple work so well ,IMO, is that they are a couple first, and kinky second. Amoung those that I know, I am sure that they would drop the dynamic in a heartbeat if it threatened thier relationship.

I think that too often in this melieu there are people looking to find the relationship, and then shoehorning themselves and their partner into it, rather than finding the person, their partner, their mate, and building the relationship to fit them both.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

< Message edited by topcat -- 2/17/2005 9:52:27 AM >

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to 247Master)

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> D/s Relationship Life Expectancy

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.082