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Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 11:52:34 AM

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I am asked more and more for my IM address in initial conversations with people online. I don't really use IM that much (except at work, but I'm not giving out that address obviously) because I find it to be distracting and obtrusive. Is this just a new reality and I need to get used to it? People don't seem to want to use email like they used to, they don't say "I will email you" they say "What's your IM address?"

I'd be interested to hear who here uses IM and in what fashion. Do people just keep it open all day and then respond to IMs as they would emails? How do they manage multiple messages and constant interruptions when they are at their PC getting other things done?

At what stage do you give someone your IM address? And if things don't work out right out of the gate, do you just put them on ignore? It seems like the list of contacts would become unruly.

Akasha

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 11:56:23 AM

Rover

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Ya know, this is exactly what I said about the telephone when people wanted to exchange incessant emails. Frankly, I'm not sure this all isn't de-evolution. I'd still rather speak with someone directly, hear their voice, inflections, etc. not to mention that I can speak a heck of a lot more quickly than I can type.

I cannot help but feel that email and IM are both impediments to the free exchange of information, getting to know one another, and relationship building.

John

< Message edited by Rover -- 12/10/2006 11:57:39 AM >

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 12:04:54 PM

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To be honest, in your circumstance, I think you still have enough control that you can decide whether or not IMs become a part of the interaction process. In my circumstance, it's a bit different as I am more of the submissive nature and needing to be a bit more responsive. However, with that said, I'm not a real IM person, and even though people have asked for my IM information, and I have given it, I also put forth the strong possibility that I'm rarely, if ever, going to be on that IM platform. It somewhat works. I am communicating, and have been communicating with one woman, who is on yahoo messenger all the time, but she generally sends me emails rather than IMs mainly because she realizes I'm usually either not "on" or invisible most of the time because I leave my computer on all the time and am rarely standing right in front of it.

It works for me, but I guess the important part of that disclaimer is that I was very upfront about my lack of usage of this type of technology so that it never really became a problem for me. But if you are seeking younger people, which if I remember correctly is something that you do seek, it's going to be one of those decisions you'll pretty much have to make based on the fact that more and more younger people are using IMs as actual communication these days.

I find this a case in my teaching responsibilities. Most of my students are all late teenagers and in their very early twenties. They're extremely linked to the Internet, and it takes a lot of effort for me to convince them that they need to contact me in the real world, not send me an email or try to instant message me, or try to locate me through my Facebook/My Space interface either. They do what I tell them, mainly because as a teacher, I have that authority to make sure that they contact me in the way I deem most useful to me. In a roundabout way, I think that should probably fit your category as well. If there are other circumstances, then I can't talk to those, but just based on what little I know, there's that.

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 12:38:19 PM

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I wouldn't give out the information right away, but I use it so much for communicating with friends and my extended family that it would be silly of me not to. The ignore option is there just as easily as it is on the messages on the main CollarMe site and I find it easier to carry out on a conversation through IMing. I can type about as fast as I can talk, and my written word is usually more clearer than my spoken word. The phone is a much more intimate way of carrying out a conversation that I would only progress to after knowing that I like someone well enough to not feel self-conscious about my voice/stuttering tendency/very rapid speech.

But that's just the thoughts of a 21-year-old computer junkie. Your mileage probably greatly varies.

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 12:46:30 PM

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I use IM for when I am online and dont wish to chat through emails. I have 2 different IM names though, one for family, and one for collarme. Once I have talked to someone enough via IM or email I might give out my number, might not.

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 12:46:51 PM

Arpig

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I must have missed something...my IM address IS my email address....give one, give the other.

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 12:50:29 PM

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It seems to me that the Mistress/Master can dictated how they want to communicate. If someone really wants their attention, they will PAY attention to what you want. I tell those who contact me that I prefer email because then I am answering them on MY schedule and can focus on them fully when my attention isn't split. If they're not willing to accept this simple structure, I'm betting they won't be able to except the highly structured relationship that I want.

I do, however, use IM once I get to know them. It's a convenient communication tool. You can have more than one ID and, if you use a program called Trillian, you can sign in not only under multiple ids for one service, but you can sign on using multiple services. It does YIM, AIM, MSN, IRC and ICQ all at once, each with mutliple accounts.

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 1:09:14 PM

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I use im all the time. Whenever i'm online my msn and yahoo are on. I have no problem giving my im addys out and dont have a time scale for it. I chat as and when i can - peeps know if i dont reply straight away im not ignoring them im just a little busy.

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 1:16:30 PM

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In general, I won't use IM anymore and am up front about that. Its not until that I get kind of get into someone, and want to see things move forward positivly, will I let them dictate the terms of our communication. But, thats after some phone calls, a first meeting and all that. And, if at that point, they want to im, or text message through a cell phone, I'm fine with it.

Personally, I don't like instant messenger because, for me, its like an addiction. For a couple years, I hid behind it, and even had a relationship of sorts composed almost entirely of instant message communiques and intermittant real time meetings. We almost never talked. Back in October, I decided I needed to wean myself from that sort of thing because it started to feel regressive and dysfunctional. Besides, I was very much chained to my computer and was having a hard time getting stuff done.

I like e-mail, because my thoughts move out my fingers better than they do my mouth. I'm not great at expressing myself in speech and the thoughts don't really flow alot of the time. I can type a blue streak though. So, if there's something important I want to say, I tend to prefer email.

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 1:32:41 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I am asked more and more for my IM address in initial conversations with people online. I don't really use IM that much (except at work, but I'm not giving out that address obviously) because I find it to be distracting and obtrusive. Is this just a new reality and I need to get used to it? People don't seem to want to use email like they used to, they don't say "I will email you" they say "What's your IM address?"

I'd be interested to hear who here uses IM and in what fashion. Do people just keep it open all day and then respond to IMs as they would emails? How do they manage multiple messages and constant interruptions when they are at their PC getting other things done?

At what stage do you give someone your IM address? And if things don't work out right out of the gate, do you just put them on ignore? It seems like the list of contacts would become unruly.

I'm one of these people who far prefers IM to email or the phone for getting to know someone. It gives me the instant feedback of the phone while still allowing me a few precious seconds to think through responses. Email is too much like regular mail -- all one side's thoughts, then all the other side's thoughts. I prefer the give-and-take of instant communication and truthfully, I think much clearer in text than on the phone.

Usually I would email someone a couple times with basic vanilla information about me; what I like, don't like, generally what I do for a living, etc. and ask for similar info back. If those emails seem promising, I send my IM handle and tell the person where they can find me. Then I wait to see if they reach out...

Yes, I tend to leave my IM on most of the time - even if I'm away from my computer I just set my IM to a status message that says "Away right now" or whatever. If a person pings me and I'm in the middle of something, I very politely say "I apologize, but I'm in the middle of something. Will you be here in 5 min/an hour/later tonight?" Even at work I can usually take a few minutes here and there to talk, but the nature of my job lets me do that. Plus I'm almost always on at night, when I can talk for longer periods of time.

I've never had a problem talking to multiple people at one time, but I'm a multi-tasker. No one takes it personally if I suddenly go quiet for awhile - they assume something came up. I give similar benefit of the doubt if they quickly disappear, since it's just the nature of the medium. When I've started talking to a Dom and it wasn't working out, it was pretty clear to both of us. So yes, we would say goodbye and I'd simply delete them from my IM list. I've only had to block a couple people in the many years I've been using IM. And you're able to group your contacts together like in any address book, so you could put all your friends together, possible Dom contacts together, etc...

I love IM and would be lost without it -- it's how Sir and I talk every night, last thing before going to bed. But if it's not your thing, find what works best for you and make your preference known to people who contact you. If they really want to meet you, they'll go that extra couple of feet.

~Holly

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 1:40:18 PM

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My yahoo is open as long as I am online and would be able to chat. If I cant talk, then I simply log off the messenger. I prefer to have someone IM me, and get our messages back and forth quickly rather than wait for and respond to emails constantly. I am not one for the phone simply becasue you can be overheard on the phone. I have enough trouble with people overhearing my conversations with Angel, I dont really care to see how many more things they could learn that they dont need to know.
I dont see the use of IMs as a problem as long as you only kep the program open when they wont be getting in the way. For me, when I am online in the evenings, its usualy out of boredom, and a few conversations do help keep me entertained. I dont watch much television, so for me, tis is my entertainment.

As to what I do if things dont work out... I can either just not respond to their IMs, after Ive told them I dont think it is working... or I put them on block. I find out a lot faster if things are going to go bad on IMs than email tag, too. Saves me a lot of time. My contact list is epic, but only the ones who are actually online sow, so its usually fairly manageable.

DV

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 2:06:27 PM

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I like IM because I hate email... I use email all day at work, sending in the neighborhood of two hundred emails a day (not my choice- but when dealing with computer programmers, sometimes it's just easier to send an email than to call/visit) and recieving almost double that. When I finally get home, I usually don't even want to look at a single email.

Plus, IM has the added convenience of if I want to talk, I log in. If I don't want to talk, I don't.

Some people are leary of giving out their phone number- I'm not, but I do respect that some are. IM is a useful stepping stone between CM mail and phone. And, if someone doesn't use IM at all, it does suggest a bit of technophobia, which is very much not something I'm interested in.

(Because someone will misconstrue this- no, not everyone who doesn't use IM is a technophobe. But most are.)

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 3:36:03 PM

MysticFireTopaz

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This is an interesting topic. I heard a study on the radio the other day that said that IM preferences are somewhat of a generational thing. Teenagers and young adults said that they prefer to communicate in IM's vs. e-mail, while the reverse was true for older people (by older I mean older than teenage to young adult).

Personally, I detest almost all forms of communications with strangers via IM's. I find them annoying and intrustive. Unlike e-mail, they are in your face and require immediate attention. Now when I get to know someone, I don't mind a friendly IM from time to time. I'm on AOL and there is a feature whereby you can block all IM's except from those on your buddy list. This works very well for Me, as it ensures that friends and relatives I don't mind chatting with can get through, but strangers can't.

During the "courtship" phase of a BDSM relationship, I usually structure a time to chat via IM so W/we can get to know each other better, after W/we have exchanged several e-mails. I have a standard list of questions I run through online to help ensure compatability, and like asking them in an IM format. I also encourage the submissive to ask any questions he has of Me. It gives us a chance to feel more comfortable with each other before progressing to telephone chat.

If things go well during the IM chat and I feel like continuing a relationship with the person, I'll add him to My buddy list and W/we usually chat from time to time. If not, I don't, and he can't see Me online or send Me and IM's. A lot of subs are on Yahoo messsenger, though, and I honestly never log onto that unless I have set up a chat session with someone. If I am seriously interested in a sub, I encourage him to get AIM so W/we can chat more conveniently.

I also have a part-time business online, and I have absolutely no one on My buddy list on that account. When I am logged on to that account, I need to focus on My business and don't want any IM's whatsoever.

So I guess My take on IM's is I like them in a controlled fashion. I don't want everyone and his dog IM'ing Me, but the way I have it set up so only family and friends can get through works pretty well for Me.

Lady Topaz

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 3:37:11 PM

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In college and a few years after, I was online constantly. I had my away message up if I wasn't at the computer itself.

But that was my primary socialization at that point in my life- chat rooms and IMs.

Since then, my primary socialization is offline, so I am never on IMs and chats anymore.

The people who want to get to know me through IMs simply aren't going to. Not a big deal- there's plenty out there.

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 3:57:07 PM

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What bugs me the most is that if I do give out my IM address and talk to someone once, they feel automatically entitled to bother me whenever they care to. This is the biggest problem for me because I am generally a polite person and hate telling someone to just f-off. Though I will, don't get me wrong. ;)

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 4:05:20 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

What bugs me the most is that if I do give out my IM address and talk to someone once, they feel automatically entitled to bother me whenever they care to. This is the biggest problem for me because I am generally a polite person and hate telling someone to just f-off. Though I will, don't get me wrong. ;)

Online though, no one can bother you unless you allow them to. If they get snippy just because you won't chat with them, that's really THEIR problem and shows just how NOT right for you they are. Great self de-selection.

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 5:59:31 PM

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I use IM to keep in contact with others. I do not give it to everyone. I give it to those that I want to keep in contact with. The same with my email. People that kind of disappear over time or dont seem to want to chat anymore I delete them, because your right the list can get long. So you have to make a judgement call sometimes and clean the IM out once in a while.

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 6:02:33 PM

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My gosh, I am always confused and panicky when people give me an IM number or address. I am a "non-techhie" (I just got my first cell phone two weeks ago, no kidding).

I don't know how it works, and the reason I didn't get a cell phone until 2 weeks ago, was because I figured if I did, everyone would maybe call me when I am driving (I'd hate that), or call me just to "chat" about nothing (which is fine for a Dom, I suppose, but not many other people).

I guess I really consider the whole IM thing just one more way my privacy could be intruded upon. But I am probably in the minority, there. I like e-mail, and the telephone. That's really "enough" for me, I think. Maybe someone could "sell" me on IMing (but they'd have to be pretty persuasive).

Maye I am a weirdo, but there are many times, I just don't want to "reach out and touch someone", he. I want to be left alone and in peace with my thoughts. Plus, when I do get calls, even on my phone, since I am such a "people pleaser" type, I usually end up with more errands or stuff to do, when I really may just want to take a nap, maybe, instead (of course for a Dom I would not hesitate).

I just like "quiet" more than the feeling that about half the world (I have a Lot of acquaintances and relatives) knows how to reach me and like they would maybe do that, anytime, day or night. Ick.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/10/2006 6:53:25 PM >

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 6:22:02 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

I use im all the time. Whenever i'm online my msn and yahoo are on. I have no problem giving my im addys out and dont have a time scale for it. I chat as and when i can - peeps know if i dont reply straight away im not ignoring them im just a little busy.

i'm pretty much the same way. Except if my computer is on (and it generally is) my IMs are open. I use AIM, YIM and MSN. I use YIM because its what i like and i have friends i keep in touch with via it. AIM its pretty much what my family uses (even my Gma) and its just easier. And MSN because an old friend i lived with - lives in England - and again its just easier.

When my sister is not out and about - i know it because she's online. It's just easier to get around schedules. Plus its cheaper. PLUS - i'm not really a phone person - can you imagine how often i'd be on the phone if i kept in touch with everyone that way?? Oh good lord. Course its a bit of both, but not usually my idea.

Generally i have my messengers in an offline status. Keeps the unwanteds from IMing me when i'm not in the mood to talk to unwanteds and when i'm not here - no body can expect a reply. Keeps my traffic down - ) Though with family and friends that know me well - they know i stay in offline and contact me randomly when they please.

PLUS i ALWAYS forget to call ppl. PLUS - with IMs i'm not strapped to anything.

PLUS - who needs to hear their voice?? I know what their voices sound like. Although i do call people that arent connected to a computer.. randomly when i remember.. like once every 6 months. I think i played phone tag with a good friend who lives in Va for like 2 days and -dur- i havent remember to call back yet.

PLUS - i can do a million other things. I can IM with some one, write an essay for school, check my email, talk to 3 other people, check my grades, check out what my "baby" looks like this week.. check on all of my classes (cos my school likes to function mainly through the net..) I participate in the class forums.. email the teacher.. turn in an assigment, write another assigment... ALL while talking to my sister, my friend in england and my best friend who lives about an hour away. (and check the cm forums too)

Friday after noon - while i had 2 hours to spare - i took two online quizzes and 2 online tests - all the while randomly talking to a friend and interacting with my daughter.. (thinking i was helping her print something out from her puter)

Eh - IM's are part of a multi tasker's dream.

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RE: Instant Messenger in BDSM courtship - 12/10/2006 7:11:51 PM

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I meant I don't know how the whole IM thing works, I do know how to use my cell phone. Just to clarify. And I am not inadvertently asking for help learning, or anything, by clarifying that - because there really are some things I don't want to know. If someone insisted, I'd learn about it, but probably not before then.

But, more power to those for whom this works well. I probably sound like a "little old lady", and I am not a "tecchie" (at all). But with me, it's more that I'm just big on peace and quiet. I want to get to know people (and I do) but I need "my own space" too.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/10/2006 7:21:34 PM >

_____________________________

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That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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