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Fishing for....insults?? - 2/18/2005 1:30:25 PM   
Nikita


Posts: 14
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline 		I really want to know why I am like this what is my motivation? I am not fat but have always been quite thick and tallest in my family I always felt fat and ugly and I feel my dad in particular made me feel ugly so why now as a young woman does it turn me on to be called fat and ugly? by someone i call Daddy?? surely this isnt a coincidence but why should something that upset me as a child have this type of effect on me now ,as a child i craved acceptance and to be 'pretty' now i cannot stand to be called pretty or cute I always want to be put down it does something for me very powerful and hard to explain but sometimes i wonder if this is healing or hurting me.
Sometimes it feels like a trap because i can only get satisfied one way and i wish i wasnt like this and i could just do vanilla and be 'normal' to be brutally honest I wonder if i go to some kind of counselling and go back and address issues in my past will this 'cure' me of my need?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/18/2005 1:33:23 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		It is called learned behavior. You learn what you were taught. People who were abused as children seek out abuse as adults because it is what is normal to them.

You need positive re-inforcement. And to re-learn that you are beautiful the way you are.

Yes, counseling would help. Even a support group. It usually is much cheaper than one on one counseling.

(in reply to Nikita)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/18/2005 3:13:36 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

so why now as a young woman does it turn me on to be called fat and ugly?


Maybe the humiliation turns you on, a lot of subs enjoy that.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to Nikita)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/18/2005 5:06:06 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Sometimes it feels like a trap because i can only get satisfied one way and i wish i wasnt like this and i could just do vanilla and be 'normal' to be brutally honest I wonder if i go to some kind of counselling and go back and address issues in my past will this 'cure' me of my need?


there are counselors and psychologists, and suprisingly even people here on this site who will assure you that you are indeed very sick and can be helped back to normalcy once you complete a series of sessions with them or become part of a self-help group---just like the ones that claim homosexuality is an illness and can be "cured".

quote:

now i cannot stand to be called pretty or cute I always want to be put down it does something for me very powerful and hard to explain but sometimes i wonder if this is healing or hurting me.


only you can answer the question as to if this is something healing and empowering or hurting and making your life miserable...when this slave tried to operate in the vanilla world of relationships she was often told she was some sort of sick-o and attempts to be a "normal vanilla wife or girlfriend" were very unfulfilling. thankfully, this slave never sought counselling as a cure for her "perversions" as she refused to feel "bad" for not being "normal" and Master couldn't be happier.

with the vanilla's out there gunning to label us all a bunch of perverts it is amazing that anyone from this site would encourage anyone to seek professional help so that their fetish can be "cured". it's not like this is the courthouse in Sant Maria.....you are a consenting adult to whatever age play or humiliation scenes you participate in.

you are not alone nikita, there are more than a few of us out there who get turned on by what others would deem wacky(even twisted or sick) reasons, not always related to traumatic childhood or past experiences.

(in reply to Nikita)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/19/2005 5:36:10 AM   
merrymasochist


Posts: 156
Joined: 9/2/2004
Status: offline 		perhaps it's a cathartic release type thing to relieve tension and anxiety by bringing repressed feelings and fears to consciousness as well as a humiliation type kink?
~smiles~
something to ponder...
what's most important is how it makes you feel both during and afterwards... if you feel and remain reasonably emotionally stable during, and afterwards. are happy with yourself then i don't see the worry...

just some of my thoughts...

sincerely,
merry

(in reply to slave4mzpatti)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/19/2005 5:46:10 AM   
Manawyddan


Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
with the vanilla's out there gunning to label us all a bunch of perverts it is amazing that anyone from this site would encourage anyone to seek professional help so that their fetish can be "cured". it's not like this is the courthouse in Sant Maria.....you are a consenting adult to whatever age play or humiliation scenes you participate in.


I believe the relevant parameter is not that there is anything wrong with humiliation play; but rather that Nikita feels unhappy with herself for wanting to be humiliated. It is that unhappiness that needs to be worked on, and I believe a kink-enlightened counselor may be a good idea.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/19/2005 9:42:06 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

with the vanilla's out there gunning to label us all a bunch of perverts it is amazing that anyone from this site would encourage anyone to seek professional help so that their fetish can be "cured". it's not like this is the courthouse in Sant Maria.....you are a consenting adult to whatever age play or humiliation scenes you participate in.



Actually that quote tell's us how little you know about psychology. Or people in general. I feel if someone wants to learn about themselves I have no right to tell them they are wrong in doing so. We as people the only way we are going to be happy is by knowing who we are. Knowing what we like. That way we can go out and get exactly what it is we need.
A psychologist does not judge. They listen. They are a friend when one needs one. A lot of people will not go to friends because they are afraid that friend will go to another and talk. They are someone to be trusted.
For many year's when people have come to me saying. Well I like to be beaten black and blue. I've often pushed them towards therapy when they have asked about it. Not because I expect them to leave the lifestyle. But because if they become empowered as to why they want to be beaten black and blue. THey can make better choices in their lives. Perhaps they can move away from that abuser who will indeed kill them at some time. Move towards a loving sadist instead. Someone who understands them as well as understanding themselves.

There are a great many different types of people in the world. It is not all black and white as you would like them to be.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/19/2005 9:47:10 AM   
siamsa24


Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I believe the relevant parameter is not that there is anything wrong with humiliation play; but rather that Nikita feels unhappy with herself for wanting to be humiliated. It is that unhappiness that needs to be worked on, and I believe a kink-enlightened counselor may be a good idea.


This was my concern as well. I used to have a link of kink-friendly counslrors, I'll see if I can dig it out of my files.

(in reply to Manawyddan)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/19/2005 9:53:39 AM   
siamsa24


Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline 		Found two links that may be helpful:

KAP (Kink Aware Professionals)

Psych!Directory

The first one is all BDSM friendly and the second allows you to serach for a therapist based on various criteria.
I hope that you find these helpful if you decide to seek counseling

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/19/2005 10:37:57 AM   
newflowers


Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Someone who understands them as well as understanding themselves.


I believe that this point is key with the major point being that there is self-awareness, understanding, and acceptance. Nikita does not seem to have these and, my reading of the post indicates that she also is in conflict with herself over her desires.

To say that those who have suffered abuse will seek similar treatment because it is learned behavior is far too simplistic an explanation. I will grant that some (many? I do not know numbers) abuse victims continue to seek similar circumstance and continue being abused in a similar manner. However, remaining with a set behavorial pattern based upon unthinking reactionary and reflexive past behavior is self-destructive. When children are abused, they can continue to suffer in untold ways throughout their lives unless/until they choose to stop. That is also a simplistic statement and, like the other, is not meant to denigrate the importance of the topic, and, like the other, are facts of dealing with the aftermath of abuse.

As adults, we have the ability to choose and blaming a lack of choice in the present on events of the past seems to be an abdication of personal responsibility. Nikita seems to want to choose a healthy self. Counseling in some shape or form appears to be the best solution. If Nikita wishes to continue in humiliation play, she should do so from a point of strength, not as a reaction to abusive childhood traumas. She should be able to CHOOSE humiliation play and not have that sexual release bring conflict and pain from her past without her understanding.

Without wanting to get into the my submission is better than yours fight - please don't flame me here - Engaging in a healthy BDSM relationship can be a wonderous thing for myriad reasons. Engaging in what seems to be the same thing but is in fact a way of allowing oneself to be abused, I submit that is not at all the same thing; that circumstance is not about dominance and submission.

newflowers
(she of the new computer after the old one was melted - it's so good to be back)

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/19/2005 10:48:48 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Actually that quote tell's us how little you know about psychology.


More like not buying into some Pollyanna-like viewpoint that there is a "cure" out there for your desire for a fetish, just visit any participating psychologist. The OP statement sounded just like that of a confused homosexual wanting to know if therapy will "cure" them and that is what was responded to.

quote:

A psychologist does not judge


there are plenty of times when a psychologist must judge. they make judgement calls about the situations presented to them by their patients. for instance, would this patient be better helped through some other form of therapy? is the patient a clear and present danger to themselves or others? there are plenty of occasions when judgement is the reason a psychologist is sought out, especially when brought into legal proceedings.

quote:

They are someone to be trusted


not just because they carry the mantle of psychologist. in theory, yes, but they are human beings, just like everyone else and psychology is far from a "black and white" science. they must make judgements and decisions like is the patient engaging in an activity that is dangerous or harmful? or is someone leaving marks or bruises on the patient, consensual or not? what responsibility do they have to report it to the local authorities that supercedes the patient's so-called "right" to privacy?

quote:

They are a friend when one needs one

to date, this slave has not paid any of her friends $100 per hour for being there when needed.

quote:

There are a great many different types of people in the world.


just as there are many different ways of getting to understand oneself, outside of the psychologist's office.

quote:

It is not all black and white as you would like them to be.


your presumption that the road to enlightenment passes through the psychologist's office is not as black and white as you would like people to believe it is.

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/19/2005 10:51:21 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Without wanting to get into the my submission is better than yours fight - please don't flame me here - Engaging in a healthy BDSM relationship can be a wonderous thing for myriad reasons. Engaging in what seems to be the same thing but is in fact a way of allowing oneself to be abused, I submit that is not at all the same thing; that circumstance is not about dominance and submission.


I agree with you 100%. YOu just summed it up better than I did. When I'm here, and I am here a lot. I'm generally multi tasking. It isn't the first time I've said it, but the boards as much as I love them have never once had 100% of my attention on any given time.
So, my responses are short and to the point. I don't go into great detail, hey I don't even clean up typo's. So what you see of me is what you get.
The longest post I have ever written may have taken me 3-5 minutes. So, unless someone asks me to explain it just doesn't happen.
Hopefully that clarifies a bit at least about me for you.

(in reply to newflowers)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/19/2005 9:12:41 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

More like not buying into some Pollyanna-like viewpoint that there is a "cure" out there for your desire for a fetish, just visit any participating psychologist. The OP statement sounded just like that of a confused homosexual wanting to know if therapy will "cure" them and that is what was responded to.


At what point did I ever say seeing one was a cure? You've now said I said that twice. Show me where I did please.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/20/2005 9:10:50 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

At what point did I ever say seeing one was a cure? You've now said I said that twice. Show me where I did please.


if you would be so kind as to open up your head, this slave would be glad to point it out to you, including the part where this slave says (twice, even) YOU say it is a cure, because that's the only place we'll be able to find it.

this slave did not say that is what YOU said, not even once. perhaps if you go back over the OP, you might see the question: "to be brutally honest I wonder if i go to some kind of counselling and go back and address issues in my past will this 'cure' me of my need?"

in this slave's first post to this thread, this slave responded to Nikita, not YOU : "it is amazing that anyone from this site would encourage anyone to seek professional help so that their fetish can be "cured""

since YOU responded to this slave with negative presumptions: "that quote tell's us how little you know about psychology. Or people in general." and "It is not all black and white as you would like them to be." the next post by this slave addressed the statements YOU made.

Hope that clarifies things for you.

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/21/2005 4:17:35 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Perhaps you should have responded to Nikita then if indeed the post was pointed at said person.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/21/2005 6:32:57 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Perhaps you should have responded to Nikita then


thanks for the attempt at helpful advice,Gloria, but this slave already responded to Nikita
(see post #4 of this thread) and already spelled it out for you how and why(see post #14).

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/21/2005 6:39:19 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Maybe you did attempt to clarify it...however it was not. Considering you quoted what I had said in a post...your post number 14 was directed at me. After telling me it had not been.

But of course I'm only reading the thread as it was written. Not looking at the explanation that doesn't fit.

Anyway, no reason to argue about this.


(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/21/2005 7:14:31 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Maybe you did attempt to clarify it

No maybe about it. tried several times.

quote:

your post number 14 was directed at me. After telling me it had not been.


wrong again. this slave told you the first post she made was not directed at you.

quote:

But of course I'm only reading the thread as it was written. Not looking at the explanation that doesn't fit.

nobody can do the thinking for you, but the answers are all there.

quote:

Anyway, no reason to argue about this.

unless one of us is making false statements about the other, as well as questioning the other's integrity, this slave can't think of any reason we would have to argue.

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/21/2005 7:20:44 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikita
i wish i wasnt like this and i could just do vanilla and be 'normal' to be brutally honest I wonder if i go to some kind of counselling and go back and address issues in my past will this 'cure' me of my need?


Nikita, if you consider this to be a problem - if you wish to change - then counselling or a support group might be able to help you make that change.

Best wishes, and god bless.

< Message edited by onceburned -- 2/21/2005 7:21:39 PM >

(in reply to Nikita)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Fishing for....insults?? - 2/24/2005 11:51:18 AM   
feline


Posts: 1101
Joined: 2/23/2004
From: CA
Status: offline 		Statement;

quote:

Sometimes it feels like a trap because i can only get satisfied one way Nikita


Basic explanation for the bahavior;

quote:

It is called learned behavior. You learn what you were taught. People who were abused as children seek out abuse as adults because it is what is normal to them. sub4hire


What might help;

quote:

You need positive re-inforcement. And to re-learn that you are beautiful the way you are. sub4hire


THE QUESTION;

quote:

I wonder if i go to some kind of counselling and go back and address issues in my past will this 'cure' me of my need? Nikita


ONE PERSONS OPINION AND ANSWER;

quote:

Yes, counseling would help. Even a support group. It usually is much cheaper than one on one counseling. sub4hire



The idea here is to address the question. With your own opinion, whether you agree with someone elses opinion or not IS NOT THE ISSUE.

TO ADDRESS THE QUESTION . . . . .

YES, counseling would help, if you are so inclined. Some have learned to live with these issues. IF you do not feel you want to or can, if it bothers you (as it seems to, otherwise you wouldn't have asked) then IMO you should seek counseling.

In the end the decision is ultimately yours. What will make you happy and/or comfortable. Just know, there are many out there with the same issues. And that you are not alone.


Take care,





p.s.- sadly I think this ship is sinking . . . and I for one, do not plan on going down with it. Be well and take care =^..^=

Attachment (1)

< Message edited by feline -- 2/24/2005 11:54:39 AM >

_____________________________

Variety is the soul of pleasure.
~Aphra Behn~

(in reply to Nikita)
Profile   Post #: 20
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