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RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/21/2005 9:38:43 PM

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I guess I missed a point in MsSilvie's post about wanting him to be happy and well - and we do, we really do... whether it's with us or not. But he's not happy or well where he is right now. And a horrible thought struck me tonight as I was driving home from work, totally exhausted (which, of course, makes me more pessimistic and negative ...). Our boy has a history of self mutilation from his depression, and he didn't exactly attempt suicide the other day, but he didn't do anything at all to prevent hypothermia from setting in ... he was depressed before we fought with him, so now I'm worried that he's done something stupid.

(in reply to darkpetal)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/22/2005 2:04:59 AM

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I rarely post anymore..

But with this I couldnt help myself. I have made the choice in the last year to withdraw from the lifestyle and let me tell you that wasnt an easy decision. My husband and his girl are still working on their d/s relationship and I do what I can to support that decision but for me in my life I cant even begin to image anymore letting this kind of chaos into my personal life. But a post like this and I bless the quiet peace I have found in the simple things inside my life..my relationship with my primary partner, a good book, a great meal and no drama..NO DRAMA!! .. god what a relief.

Think about it... Your primary partner is ill .. your stressed out beyond belief .. exhausted from working to long probably both at home and at your job.. and some flake of a male submissive has you dividing your focus .. draining more of your enegery .. What the FUCK is that about.

He told you his ex is more important than you and yours.. and the reason makes not on iota of difference.. that is the bottom line.. if its because he has an overweaning sense of self importance in that relationship or if its because he has too much guilt or if he is because he is co dependent.. who cares.. you have a sick partner and your looking at bringing a self mutilating, co depedent ... depression oriented .. self involved bundle of nothing but chaos into your world.. Either your a glutton for punishment or to close to the situtation to see it clearly.

I personally wouldnt bring that kind of havoc to my doorstop even if it came with a 12 inch dick.. MHO.
B.

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/22/2005 2:35:48 AM

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He HAS made his decision. It would be better if you and he could sit down and talk about it like adults, but for a sense of closure more than anything. He didn't behave well in his part. He acted very badly. As much as you would like to think you could talk him into chaging his mind, you can't. The best you can hope for at this point is to hold on to some of the friendly feelings, if that is even possible.

I know you feel angry, hurt, betrayed, used and discarded. That's natural, you have a right to feel bad. You are mourning the loss of the relationship. While you are grieving, keep in mind, his behavior is inexcusable. To have those kinds of plans and to just cancel them with out talking about what the problems are and if there are any solutions is childish and shows a lack of respect for you. But you are not responsible for his behavrior, the only behavior you can influence is your own. Don't keep spending your energy on this, and letting this guy live rent-free in your head. Spend it on your partner and the rest of your family. Those are the places where it will be appreciated and returned. If your ex-boy is already under stress and doesn't deal with it well, then it's better for him too. It's better for everyone.

Take a few steps back, breathe, acknowlege the loss. Consider what could have been done better on you part, and how this will influence your future realtionships. And then move on, a stronger and better person.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

I guess I missed a point in MsSilvie's post about wanting him to be happy and well - and we do, we really do... whether it's with us or not. But he's not happy or well where he is right now. And a horrible thought struck me tonight as I was driving home from work, totally exhausted (which, of course, makes me more pessimistic and negative ...). Our boy has a history of self mutilation from his depression, and he didn't exactly attempt suicide the other day, but he didn't do anything at all to prevent hypothermia from setting in ... he was depressed before we fought with him, so now I'm worried that he's done something stupid.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/23/2005 10:06:21 PM

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As of right now, we still haven't heard from him since the fight. He has just over 48 hours to let us know. And while I know already what his decision is, I still want him to say it, and I need to remind him that he needs to return the collar, padlock, key and the other chain that we gave him to wear.

(in reply to MsSilvie)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/25/2005 10:23:48 PM

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So yeah, he talked to Holly tonight (called while I was at work, the coward). He said what we were expecting, but it still hurts. At least he actually said it though, right?

I really want to cry, but I know that it won't help. And I've been preparing for this all week, so ... I guess there really isn't any need.

So now we have to start the whole search over (well, techinically, we already started it, but still, while I was preparing for what I knew he was going to say, I was still hoping that I was wrong).

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/26/2005 2:14:26 AM

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At least now You do know and can get moving on making an offer to another. You need someone there. It always hurts though even when You expect the answer and there is no reason to deny Yourself the release that tears and grieving for what might have been can bring, provided the situation is also left behind. Best of luck to You both.

Gentle Lady

_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 4/18/2005 1:30:24 AM

MissCrystalBlade

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You were far to lenient. I would have told him to stay there at the point that he lied to you, through omission, as to why he was putting off coming.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 4/18/2005 3:22:00 PM

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From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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I was like :-O since you didn't mention this in the room the other night, Two.. but I see it is the same one from before, not a new one. Hope H is doing well and things are still on track for you two. Hugs.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
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(in reply to MissCrystalBlade)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 4/18/2005 3:52:34 PM

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Yeah, Beach, same old thread ... I was really hoping that it would just get buried deep enough that it would disappear. This boy is still a sensitive topic for me, as I still have stong feelings for him.

We still haven't shipped his things back to him, as every time I have the box ready, I find something else that belongs to him that needs to go in it *sigh* so every day, I see the package of his things, wishing that I didn't need to send it back to him.

(in reply to BeachMystress)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 4/18/2005 4:07:19 PM

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From: Hollywod, Ca
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Hello SwetDommmes

How is your friend Holly doing? I hope that she is feeling better. Was the doctor able to help her condition?

spike

_____________________________

You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure....Venus in Furs, by L. Masoch.......
A Slave, someone who lives in voluntary servitude consents once and then is bound to obey.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 4/18/2005 4:59:25 PM

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My girlfriend is doing ok. Today she went down to visit her family before her brother gets shipped back overseas. I'm here cleaning in anticipation of her return so that she won't have to. She gets through the work days a lot better now that she has something for pain control, but the hand surgeon still hadn't done anything about the cyst that is causing her so much trouble.

(in reply to Spike1777)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 4/18/2005 8:09:27 PM

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Joined: 3/19/2005
From: Hollywod, Ca
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Cool, she is doing better then. Hopefully she can get the opeation scheduled soon. I am happy to hear that things are improving.

I was stationed overseas. Although i retired from the Navy last November I was living in Sicily off and on for six years. Unfortunately i had to leave my Vanilla ex fiance back in Sicily when i retired and had to return to the states. We were so very close to marriage right at the end. We even bought rings. Well i bought rings, she picked them out. Too bad because we had such great sex....

You know last September I was not even into BDSM. Then I met a pro-Domme on the Internet. Now I am totally into the culture. Wow, what a change...

spike

_____________________________

You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure....Venus in Furs, by L. Masoch.......
A Slave, someone who lives in voluntary servitude consents once and then is bound to obey.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 5/8/2005 4:39:13 PM

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I just got an e-mail from him ... I had sent him one saying that we are finally going to be shipping his things back to him (the whole unemployment thing kinda delayed things) and in his reply, he blamed us for his decision to not come. He says that we never cared about his well being - despite the fact that we tried to get him away from his manipulative ex, whom he knew was bad for him, and the fact that we tried to get him out of a bad psycological situation with his family. We also tried to care for him physically - as difficult as that is from 2/3 of the country away.

I just have to keep reminding myself that we did what we could, and it's NOT my fault that he has gone back to his SI behaviors. This is his fault, not mine ...

For the record, it's not helping *sob*

< Message edited by SweetDommes -- 5/8/2005 4:40:18 PM >

(in reply to Spike1777)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 5/8/2005 4:49:50 PM

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Dearest SweetDommes,

Look.........there is nothing I can say, sometimes it's like a death, no? anger, denial, negotiation..........the whole nine yards....vanilla or the vaunted "lifestyle"....it hurts, it ain't fair.......it ain't alotta things.......

I hear you and cannot feel your pain ( I am no bill clinton) but I do understand.....
if it was perfect in every respect we wouldn't need the others now, would we?
I know this don't help but...........

Sincerely,
Ron

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 5/8/2005 5:12:42 PM

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All I really want at this point is for him to admit that this is not all our fault. He says that he was sick the entire week between when we gave him the ultimatum and when he finally told us - he was sick because he fought with us the night we gave him the ultimatum (and pay attention to the wording - HE fought with US - he accused Holly of a lot of things that she hadn't done in terms of taking care of herself, and started yelling at me for I don't even remember what reason) and cried for 3 hours (and that was just while we were on the phone with him). He was sick because he's depressed and hadn't taken his medication and hadn't been taking care of himself. He blames us.

I want him to admit that his decision has made him more miserable than he was - but he can't do that. He also can't admit that it was HIS decision, not something that we forced him to make. Hell, we offered to pay for his flight if he made the decision to come here. We offered to wait a little longer as long as he gave is a definite answer and a date. We offered to find an apartment to live in if he wasn't read to actually move in with us yet. It isn't like we were trying to make this difficult for him.

But I know that it will never happen. I just need to learn to let go, which is something that I have always had trouble with. Once I become attached to someone, I always have strong feelings for them, no matter what happens between us.

(in reply to mnottertail)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 5/8/2005 5:31:37 PM

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God,
you know what......if i was ever gonna be submissive.....tag you guys are it................you are wonderful, caring, loving people, and as the gy ..what was his name.........Reverend Sun Myung Moon says "God decieves you all the time.............". My thoughts are with you, and thats the shit you are never taught in domme or dom school -- that you actually have feelings........I wish you could come to closure , but it aint gonna happen......he's probably not laying in the gutter puking cause of anything you did.....if he's doing it it is a CHOICE....right or wrong....I have children.........I always question: Just because a young soul does not know that the pretty blue thing on the stove is hot is that any reason that it should not be burnt?

You cannot be guilty because the chinese are communists, my friends.

You also can spend most of your life trying to explain the color green by example (I know of no other way) and they get it or the FUCKING dont.

In sympathy,
Ron

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 5/8/2005 5:35:14 PM

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I needed that, thanks

On the plus side, I have two potentials currently doing their best to convince me that baggage boy is an idiot and a fool and they will never treat me in such a manner, even if things don't work out (which is good, because we can't keep both of them).

(in reply to mnottertail)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 5/8/2005 5:50:53 PM

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listen Ladies,
you know I was gonna pontificate...........
A DI LEMMA DI=2 LEMMA=givens; therefore two choices between two cement and immobile objects.........

It ain't all about the good times, folks...........I wish this was posted in a more public place.............

Most the time; I feel that you submissives take advantage of your gift....
Not a goddamn one of you has come to me with open arms on prom night, buy the gift and take the baggage.....deal with it. So, your attaching yourselves to my genitalia or whatever you see this thing as..........WRONG.......... take a pill, you can see the equality in every seam of this conversation....you fear, we fear, you give we give, you hurt, we hurt...............

thats all for now,
I haven't cried in years, and be goddamed if I am gonna start tonight.....
Ron

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 5/8/2005 6:44:13 PM

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From: Sacramento, California
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This is completely gratuitous since everyone has already given you the best assessment possible with the information available. It is one thing to put family first, but it is quite another to put exes first. Whatever the reason, your guy is emotionally unavailable. I have been in your position so many times before. It sucks to high heaven when someone seems so perfect but just doesn't want to make it work. It also sucks when you have invested both time and love, and it looks as if it's all going to go to waste. Cest la vie, move on.

(in reply to mnottertail)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 5/8/2005 6:47:49 PM

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From: Sacramento, California
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Ah, and I also know what it's like to need external validation for feelings you know are right. So no, it's not all your fault. And if the guy argues otherwise, then remember what an idiot he's been before you give that opinion any credence.

(in reply to ManOwner)

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