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LadyEllen -> RE: Love and Death (12/18/2006 4:13:43 PM)
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Hi All
Thanks for your thoughts; but honestly, I'm not depressed or suicidal in the way most seem to be who say such things. Its just my honest appraisal of the situation I'm in, and the only realistic means of solving it, in the absence of developing schizophrenia or something such that I dont feel anything.
Its what makes it such an "interesting" situation really; that I know I'm worthwhile, that I have so much to offer, that I am straight out of the top drawer in almost every way - crikey, now I sound big headed too! I have zero self esteem issues that I can think up.
But the fact remains, as my sig line indicates, that whatever I do, however I am or look - I'm not "the leading brand". Honestly, as I indicated in my earlier post, an ill educated crack addict into domestic violence has a better chance than me, because she is of the "leading brand". On top of that, an unemployable ex-con alcoholic guy wouldnt be interested in me, for the same reason. And any woman that would be better, and any man that would be better than either of those examples, leaves me dead in the water and is out of my league respectively. Thats the way it is.
Susan; I can appreciate this might be my lot in life, and I can and do struggle through; but to be honest, I've had enough of poor lots and struggling and I dont see why, for whatever higher purpose there is (and there is one), I should have more than my fair share in this life, or why I should accept it permanently without having the option to take the ultimate solution to it all. I've set a date, and thats that, unless something should happen which makes that date redundant, though that seems extremely unlikely.
Naughtygal; honestly, I'm in a state of acceptance right now. I'm not depressed - I have been in the past mind you, so I know the difference between being down sometimes and being depressed. Yes, the emotional pain is bad, but since there is no solution to that, what does one do? You've likely realised by now my situation I'd think; basically I was born male and am being treated for transsexuality. Since transitioning to female, my whole life changed - I gained me, but lost a marriage. I could have not transitioned and kept the marriage of course, but suspect that by now, I'd have been long since dead and buried.
The problem I have, is that to put it as basically as possible, I aint a "real girl", even if I look like one and always have been one really. What this means, leaving aside that I get lumped in with TVs/CDs and so on, is that I am a freak, a defective, a reject. Observe;
a het man, wants a woman; he sees me as "a man in a frock", questions whether he is gay etc
a het woman, wants a man; she sees me as "a man in a frock" too, or else as another woman, whom she has no interest for
a gay man, wants a man; he sees me as a female, and he wants a man after all
a lesbian woman, wants a woman; she sees me as "a man in a frock" / "rapist in disguise" / "whatever else"
and bisexuals seem to want one or the other, not both at once
Its not at all the same thing, but to compare it to being disfigured or disabled is just about a useful analogy too. It is an extraordinary person who can see past labels and take the time to get to know someone labelled, sufficiently to grow to love them, despite societal disapproval. Its just so much easier to reject those who are labelled, and find someone who though perhaps not such a good match, is "acceptable".
The point of my post though, was to illustrate that love is a dangerous thing to risk, as others pointed out better. For me, I'd rather not have loved and now be suffering for its loss, and wish that I could resume the emotional neutrality which I had at 17 when I succumbed and let those barriers down. Why did I have those barriers? 12 years of being bullied through school does that to you, if you want to survive. As things are though, I need to love and be loved, and will never have that again.
E
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