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A rather touchy question - 12/26/2006 10:01:35 PM   
unendingquestion


Posts: 16
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		i'm really not sure how to ask this... but here goes... if you were interested in someone and then found out that they had a condition/disease that was unsightly, perhaps even gross... but they assured you that it wasnt contageous... would you then cut ties with this person or would you persue the relationship? and furthermore, would you think this person should advise interested parties of this condition up front? yes, this is a pseudonym. 
please.. all input would be helpful.
thanks for your time
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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/26/2006 10:14:50 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
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quote:

i'm really not sure how to ask this... but here goes... if you were interested in someone and then found out that they had a condition/disease that was unsightly, perhaps even gross... but they assured you that it wasnt contageous... would you then cut ties with this person or would you persue the relationship? [snip ]


Was my interest in them their purportedly perfect body?  Then sure, I'd dump them like a hot potato and move on to the next person.  And I'd be so light weight that I wouldn't even leave a footprint.

quote:

  and furthermore, would you think this person should advise interested parties of this condition up front? [snip]


Oh YES.  I think it should be branded on their forehead to avoid anyone wasting time to actually get to know this unfortunate, flawed person. 

Now, conversely, inner flaws, such as shallowness and selfishness, are not so apparent.  I think they too should be disclosed, perhaps in glowing neon that warns everyone that you are a worthless waste of tissue.

The "you" in that sentence was of course a hypothetical.  No one asking these questions could possibly deserve a tongue lashing.

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/26/2006 10:18:18 PM   
unendingquestion


Posts: 16
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		well that being said.. and thank You for Your input.. i've received a lot of that very same treatment... the question is about me..

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/26/2006 10:18:47 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		If the person advised interested parties up front it might stop the initial "shock factor" if it was a really really gross thing.

I just thought of something else, sometimes people with "conditions" get really self-conscious about them, more so than outside parties  do...(just something to think about)..in otherwords...maybe the condition isn't that unsightly or whatever.

< Message edited by slavejali -- 12/26/2006 10:22:46 PM >

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/26/2006 10:22:01 PM   
twistedwillow


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		Firstly i find it terribly sad that you had to use a pseudonym to ask the question,  it says a lot about the judgmental people on the forum.
Secondly, to answer your question, I have to find the person im with attractive,  mentally, physically etc. So if i found out they had something horrible and disfiguring, and i couldnt see past it, then i wouldnt cut ties with them, but i would tell them why i couldnt be in a relationship with them, but hoped that a friendship would develope none the less..  over time i may see the person for what they are inside, and become interested romantically, or i may not.
I guess it is kind of selfish, im not perfect either ( hush with the gasps of disbelief from the peanut gallery).
I don't see why the person with the condition\disease  should have to advertise it,  but i do think they need to disclose it to the person they are interested in, reasonably early  in the game.

twistedwillow

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/26/2006 10:29:39 PM   
unendingquestion


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Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		thanks, twisted... i realize that people have the right to like or not like someone for.. whatever reason... i use that right as well, but its just that.. in finding people that i seem to connect with, and wanting to be up front and truthful.. i get the ~gasps~ even when i explain it fully... hoping to calm any fears.. its very frustrating... and this is even without or perhaps on top of... all the "normal" things we go through in trying to find someone...

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/26/2006 10:29:42 PM   
corysub


Posts: 1492
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		if someone had the misfortune to have a particularly horrific disease or condition it should be put out in the open as soon as a relationship began to
look more intimate than just "friends."  It is unfair for the person with such a condition to withhold such information, in my view.  This would be particualarly true if it was some horrible sexuallly transmitted disease that would be harmful to the opposite party in the relationship.

It would be a wholly different story if that problem developed "after" the relationship had been underway...  at that "moment of truth"  we all have to make an individual decision depending on how deep our feelings are for that person, I would guess, but would hope that I would stay and be supportive of my partner.

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/26/2006 10:34:19 PM   
unendingquestion


Posts: 16
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		i agree with you completely, corysub... and i have tried this approach numerous times.. and let me say once again that my condition is not sexually transmitted and it is NOT contageous anymore than acne or anything else of that nature

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/26/2006 10:35:27 PM   
Emperor1956


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Joined: 11/7/2005
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quote:

unendingquestion:  well that being said.. and thank You for Your input.. i've received a lot of that very same treatment... the question is about me..


Are you saying you have this condition, miss?  My reply stands, then, to those who have "dumped" on you, or dumped you, on learning of it.  Not, surely, to you, who unfortunately suffers with it. 

First, Slavejali has a very good point -- sometimes it is not nearly as "gross" as you fear.  The problem may be far bigger in your head than it is to any observer.

I actually know a bit about this.  I have a leg injury that is not detectible when I am clothed (although I walk with a limp when I'm tired, or stressed).  But naked, one leg is quite unsightly, damaged, scarred and swollen.  I have been nervous about exposing this injury every time I've undressed in front of a new person (granted, its not stopped me from undressing -- frequently), and when I was younger I was always the first to call attention to it.  I thought I better break the ice and explain.  Until one time, after a night of fairly acrobatic and vigorous lovemaking, the time came to take that dreaded walk across the bedroom, and I said something...and she replied (bless her)  "Oh, you have a bad leg?  I was having so much fun I never noticed."

Second, I don't believe you are under any obligation to "warn" people until such time as it seems right.  You have to be the judge of that.  I do not think it belongs in your profile, or stitched across your blouse like some damn leper's warning!  The idea that you owe a warning to potential friends or lovers at the outset is repugnant to me.  And I repeat, if the world were fair, you'd see a plethora of warnings of "shallow", "selfish", "stupid", "thoughtless" on the faces of those who might approach you, so you could weed them out right away.

E.

< Message edited by Emperor1956 -- 12/26/2006 10:40:05 PM >

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/26/2006 10:37:21 PM   
MstrssScarlet


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From: Indianapolis, Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: unendingquestion

well that being said.. and thank You for Your input.. i've received a lot of that very same treatment... the question is about me..


Well, I may get flamed for it, but I think Emperor had this one coming.   To deal with someone this harshly right out of the box should not be the way we treat people here.  Whether people admit it or not, looks DO come into play at least a little when first meeting, lifestyle or vanilla.  This does not necessarily mean the person has to be a perfect 10.  He/she may have certain physical traits, however, that you find attractive.  No one in here is perfect (yes, including me) so see how it goes.  If it's not something obvious or contagious, I wouldn't tell them on the very first meeting, but I wouldn't wait six months either.  Get a feel for the other person when you meet and go from there.  Twistedwillow had some very good advice and I agree with her.
Mistress Scarlet

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/26/2006 10:53:24 PM   
unendingquestion


Posts: 16
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		thanks for sharing Your experience Emperor, Sir..  and thanks for the "defense" MstrssScarlett... i understand where He was coming from then as i understand Your stance... thank You both... it may well be that it is more unsightly in my head, but when someone asks for the name of the disease and then they look it up only to see the worst case scenario... well.. its a blow to say the least... i really hate withholding information... i have other problems (dont we all) and i would readily reveal them, but honestly they seem not to matter next to this one.. laughs...

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/26/2006 11:04:32 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		i always feel it's best to tell people most things up front, especially if there's a chance that the relationship might progress. but then again, i am not very modest about whatever issues i have, and i feel that if anyone doesn't want to be with me because of whatever conditions i have, then they're not worth my time anyway :) that said, i don't feel -obligated- to tell everyone everything pretty early on, it's just something i do because i think it saves everybody some trouble and lets me see their reaction and learn more about them. so my advice would be to tell people if you're comfortable, and if you're not, wait until you are - but the best idea would be to at least warn them before they come into visual contact with whatever part of your body is afflicted, so that they won't freak out, at least. but really - you are not the sum of your health conditions, and anyone who treats you as such isn't worth your time. *hugs*

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/26/2006 11:48:39 PM   
unendingquestion


Posts: 16
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hisannabelle

i feel that if anyone doesn't want to be with me because of whatever conditions i have, then they're not worth my time anyway :) .....you are not the sum of your health conditions, and anyone who treats you as such isn't worth your time. *hugs*


that is the view that i have come to take over time... and as i get older it is easier... still there are times when it hurts because you want it to just be ok... not have to deal.. whatever... im sure you know whereof i speak... hugs back to you and thanks for the support... ALL of you

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/27/2006 12:07:13 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: unendingquestion

if you were interested in someone and then found out that they had a condition/disease that was unsightly, perhaps even gross... but they assured you that it wasnt contageous... would you then cut ties with this person or would you persue the relationship?

If it were a strictly physical relationship in which somethign unsighly ruined everything... then I might.  However, I have never had a relationship where it was PURELY physical. (I know, I might be missing out here)  I have had friends and lovers who have not been physically perfect.  Sometimes, their imprefections are part of what I lvoe about them.  Granted, they have not always been upfront about their imperfections right off, becasue of the reactions other people have had to them.  I can understand that, but little things like a physical quirk never have meant enough to me to break off a relationship.  I cant see throwing away a chance to be with the perfect match to me just becasue they might not have been born perfect.

quote:

would you think this person should advise interested parties of this condition up front?
  Only if the condition in question has not only a physically noticable effect, but also a health effect.  I firmly believe anything that might adversly impact you healthwise should be discussed. Not only for a BDSM safety standpoint, but just in general if there is a chance you wil be spending a lot of time with someone and something hould ever heaven forbid happen, they should be informed. It the condition is just physical, with no underlying effects.. then I dont think its necessary to advertise it. 

My 2 cents
DV

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VampiresLair

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/27/2006 8:01:38 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Hi There,
I personally have not let some odd things interfere with me dating people.
I've had a friend with a horrid case of soriasis on his penis that I still played with once he proved what the condition was to me.
I personally have had 7 surgeries to my stomach and 4 kids. My body has more scars on my tummy than ten other people. I still not only perceive my body as beautiful, but go naked in the public dungeons here in MD and no one is gawking or concerned with my less than perfect tummy.
Even if your illness is on your gentiles if you can prove what it is and that it's not contagious I wouldn't think someone who was looking for more than a romp in the hay would care.
Beauty and compatibility go way father than skin deep for me.
suzanne

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/27/2006 8:16:10 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: unendingquestion

thanks, twisted... i realize that people have the right to like or not like someone for.. whatever reason... i use that right as well, but its just that.. in finding people that i seem to connect with, and wanting to be up front and truthful.. i get the ~gasps~ even when i explain it fully... hoping to calm any fears.. its very frustrating... and this is even without or perhaps on top of... all the "normal" things we go through in trying to find someone...


There are all sorts of things that need to be disclosed in a timely manner when talking to someone new. There were things that my Daddy told me that may have led to me dismissing him as a prospect. There were things about me that he may not have found appealing or "gross", I have slight psoriasis. He did not even skip a beat when I told him that information. Mind you, I can control it, but one never knows if I could break out from head to toe in them... so yes I felt it important to tell him. He accepted me.

Whatever it is you have, someone will accept you the way you are, and the older you get, the more likely it is that we have "gross" things going on with us

_____________________________

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Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/27/2006 8:16:10 AM   
Voltare


Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline 		We are who we are.  Finding someone who loves us for that person is tricky sometimes.  I've found more often than not, our perception of xyz condition or problem is almost always more damaging than the problem itself.

My mom lost her leg when she was 17.  As an adult, she never once had trouble finding companionship because of it.  Her struggles with alcohol and depression were heavily influenced by her loss of that leg though - in effect, the wounds she suffered mentally and emotionally did more to make her life difficult than the actual lack of her leg.

In an online situation, posting you have xyz on your profile might be all it takes.  It does little good to try to hide a condition or disease, as eventually it will have to be addressed.  Obviously, it's difficult to give more specific advice without knowing exactly what the problem is; but the issue seems to be more firmly rooted in your own self image.

Best of luck,
Stephan


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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/27/2006 8:45:01 AM   
mgdartist


Posts: 328
Joined: 5/13/2006
From: irving tx
Status: offline 		well if youre a woman I'd say hang in there, Never know, you might be the most beautiful thing some lonesome Dom ever got a chance at.
Then again, if youre a man, fahget about it. I can't even get a message replied to, and I'm good lookin.

lol


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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/27/2006 9:03:42 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		My personal opinion is coloured by my relationship goals. Meaning that I have no interest in casual play, it's just not my thing. When I consider someone I consider them as a human being first and formost. I can only think of one thing that may have anything to do with this and that would be my over sensitive sense of smell. I get grossed out by alot of strong scents and have a thing for good personal hygiene. In addition the smell of cigarettes and icky perfumes turn my stomach.

That being said, I think what will freak one person out may not matter at all to another. I once dated someone that had been electrocuted many years before. There was a serious scar on their temple going up into their hair and they were a double amputee just a few inches past the knee. I never even once gave it a thought. The only time any of it came into play was when they were stricken with cancer and the cancer was virtually inoperable because of the inner scar tissue damage. Even when cancer emaciated this persons body I saw only the person I loved not the condition. Others looked at this person in shock at times and all I saw was the wicked gleam in the eye (think Jack Nicolson) and the love that we shared. It was an amazing two years of my life and it had nothing at all to do with physical appearance. 

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: A rather touchy question - 12/27/2006 10:30:19 AM   
MistressMaamNH


Posts: 211
Joined: 8/11/2004
Status: offline 		Accurate information is the key to success.  Being vague about this mysterious "condition" sets up such an air, and tends to make one's imagination run wild.  Personally, I think it would be better to be direct and upfront about it..say this is who I am, and let the person decide what they 'll do with it.  Anyone worth an ounce of salt, will take the time to educate themselves, research and ask questions.  If they don't..then were they really worth the trouble to begin with?
I know it's a pen name you are using, and I understand your reasoning..but I'm a curious sort...and maybe that makes Me shallow..but I want to know what this condition is.

MMNH


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