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Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 9:41:47 AM

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/5/2004
From: Dallas - Fort Worth Metroplex
Status: offline

I've just had an epiphany of sorts and I'd like the input of others.

I've only been using the Internet for two years to find submissives. Previous to that, I found my subs through friends and real-life networking. I've never been interested in short-term relationships; they aren't meaningful enough for me. When I'm searching for a new sub, I highlight that I'm only interested in long-term relationships.

All my bdsm relationships (prior to the internet) lasted at least 4 years (with some of those relationships overlapping but my subs have all enjoyed being part of a "stable"

-- that's a whole 'nother story!). None of the recent relationships (with subs found on the internet) have lasted longer than 18 months.

It's occurred to me that maybe my definition of "long-term" is all wrong for the Internet age. To me, "long-term" means several years with an eye towards lifetime.

What does "long-term" mean to you?

Thanks for your input!

_____________________________

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. --author unknown

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 9:45:25 AM

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YveGee

I've just had an epiphany of sorts and I'd like the input of others.

I've only been using the Internet for two years to find submissives. Previous to that, I found my subs through friends and real-life networking. I've never been interested in short-term relationships; they aren't meaningful enough for me. When I'm searching for a new sub, I highlight that I'm only interested in long-term relationships.

All my bdsm relationships (prior to the internet) lasted at least 4 years (with some of those relationships overlapping but my subs have all enjoyed being part of a "stable" -- that's a whole 'nother story!). None of the recent relationships (with subs found on the internet) have lasted longer than 18 months.

It's occurred to me that maybe my definition of "long-term" is all wrong for the Internet age. To me, "long-term" means several years with an eye towards lifetime.

What does "long-term" mean to you?

Thanks for your input!

Long term to me means at least five years together in real life starting from the first real life face to face date/meeting.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to YveGee)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 9:50:21 AM

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This is going to sound terribly picky and I don't mean it that way but...I don't know that I can put a number on long term. I think my definition of long term is with an eye to forever. I mean, I can't say that 10 years is long term but 3 years is not. I don't view things that way. You may be right...long term prolly does mean different things to different people, it just seems odd to try and put a number value on it.

(in reply to YveGee)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 9:51:26 AM

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To me, long-term isn't so much a time period as an expectation that it will be for life. The expectation is also that all parties will work on maintaining it for as long as it is healthy and beneficial for everyone.

Stuff happpens in life, so I wouldn't classify so much by time as I would be the positives and negatives. I owned one slave for 18 months until he got a better job and decided to move. Clearly our relationship benefits didn't outweigh the crappiness of his job. So while I wouldn't say it was a successful relationship in terms of being "long-term" it was successful in that we both got positives things from it and I can't think of a negative we got from it; I remember him fondly and we are still friends though not close after a few years apart.

However I've also had a slave for a similar amount of time but that relationship crashed and burned -- it was not successful because I have difficulty even now (8 years later) seeing more positives than negatives. Yeah, it taught me a lot about myself and what I wanted but I could have done without the negatives and lies I uncovered. I am glad that we didn't last longer than we did because it would have made the crash much worse.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to YveGee)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 9:57:05 AM

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i agree ...

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

To me, long-term isn't so much a time period as an expectation that it will be for life. The expectation is also that all parties will work on maintaining it for as long as it is healthy and beneficial for everyone.

Stuff happpens in life, so I wouldn't classify so much by time as I would be the positives and negatives.

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 10:02:31 AM

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Joined: 12/18/2006
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I don't think the Internet has changed that any. Long-term still means a commitment of sorts that is grounded in the possibility that the commitment could be lifetime and that this is the intent of the commitment.

S.

(in reply to YveGee)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 10:11:09 AM

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Joined: 9/28/2005
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It generally only takes me a few months to know whether a relationship has "long term" viability. If i find that it doesn't i try to end it quickly and painlessly.

(in reply to dawntreader)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 10:17:17 AM

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Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

It's occurred to me that maybe my definition of "long-term" is all wrong for the Internet age. To me, "long-term" means several years with an eye towards lifetime.

To me it means that people have agreed to work toward a long term commitment. Lifetime and long-term are not necessarily synonymous. They can be though. One can be with someone a few days and marry them, when did their lifetime commitment start? I do not think time together is necessarily a measure of committedness.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to YveGee)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 10:23:53 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs

Long term to me means at least five years together in real life starting from the first real life face to face date/meeting.

C~

Well, using this as a criteria, either I'm in a long term relationship (we met, face to face, two years prior to when we finally got together to become what we are today) or I'm not yet. (we're working on our 4th year together, it'll be 3 collared on April 3rd.)

So, what works better for me is the fact that when we finally did get together and knew we were going to be together longer than the next date, but before I was collared, we agreed, in advance, on a release date.

Yep...

We both agreed he'd release me on my birthday.

Right now, today, I have precisely 54 years, 3 months and a day to go.

The birthday is my 102nd.

I told him that since it was obvious he wasn't in this for the long term, that he'd have to at least promise to be here to release me. That means, from right now, today, at that point, he'd be one month and 2 days into his 111th year. He agreed. I'm holding him to it.

And since day one, we've both claimed and lived by the idea that this is very definitely a long term relationship - whether that was one day or 99 years.

How long it actually lasts - well, I'm thinking that's up to the universe, God's plan for us, and the viability of our health insurance.

But boy oh boy! Those young whippersnappers at the nursing home better watch out when I reach 102!!!

HA! The ultimate submissive's revenge...with him at 111 and me at 102, there's no way he's going to be able to trade me in on two 60s.

I tell ya, I'm set!

juliet

(in reply to Wildfleurs)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 10:25:40 AM

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/5/2004
From: Dallas - Fort Worth Metroplex
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

To me, long-term isn't so much a time period as an expectation that it will be for life. The expectation is also that all parties will work on maintaining it for as long as it is healthy and beneficial for everyone.

Stuff happpens in life, so I wouldn't classify so much by time as I would be the positives and negatives. I owned one slave for 18 months until he got a better job and decided to move. Clearly our relationship benefits didn't outweigh the crappiness of his job. So while I wouldn't say it was a successful relationship in terms of being "long-term" it was successful in that we both got positives things from it and I can't think of a negative we got from it; I remember him fondly and we are still friends though not close after a few years apart.

However I've also had a slave for a similar amount of time but that relationship crashed and burned -- it was not successful because I have difficulty even now (8 years later) seeing more positives than negatives. Yeah, it taught me a lot about myself and what I wanted but I could have done without the negatives and lies I uncovered. I am glad that we didn't last longer than we did because it would have made the crash much worse.

I believe in terms of "at least 4 years" because that gives the relationship time to ride out the honeymoon period and enough time for all the parties involved to realize that this really is a long-term commitment and not just playtime. A long-time relationship isn't always fun and playtime!

I'm married. I would never leave my husband because I got a better job in another city. He would not leave me because of a better job in another state. (He was temporarily transferred to another state when we were dating but he made sure his supervisors knew that it was temporary. He already had a long-term commitment to me and our relationship.)

I've lost two subs to jobs in other states. To me, this signalled that they weren't as committed to me and our relationship as they'd claimed because I'd never think of doing the same thing to someone I was committed to.

I'd rather fail at one 8-year relationship than at 8 one-year relationships.

_____________________________

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. --author unknown

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 10:33:17 AM

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Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YveGee

I'm married. I would never leave my husband because I got a better job in another city. He would not leave me because of a better job in another state.

I've lost two subs to jobs in other states. To me, this signalled that they weren't as committed to me and our relationship as they'd claimed because I'd never think of doing the same thing to someone I was committed to.

Then again, they weren't the ones you were coming home to every night, sleeping with, developing IRAs and pension plans together with, making plans for retirement, dealing with grandchildren and the myriad of other little things that differentiate the marital partnership from the D/s one either.

You might not think about doing that to someone you had a committed relationship with, but if your husband said that due to his job your family had to move, what would your response have been then? If your retirement plans with your husband included moving to someplace you'd always dreamed about, would you forego those plans if your submissives couldn't go (due to responsibilities to children, jobs of their own, etc)?

I don't think you can make the comparison between apples and oranges in that manner. And I don't think you can say that they were "less" committed. The relationship simply had run it's course and being on his or her own, other considerations beyond their level of committment to you came into play.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 12/30/2006 10:41:40 AM >

(in reply to YveGee)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 10:35:24 AM

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/5/2004
From: Dallas - Fort Worth Metroplex
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySashayy

I don't think the Internet has changed that any. Long-term still means a commitment of sorts that is grounded in the possibility that the commitment could be lifetime and that this is the intent of the commitment.

Oh, I like this definition! It covers all the bases I'm looking for. There's a difference between "dating around" or "dating for fun" and "dating with intent." I've never been good at dating around; it's not a comfortable fit for my personality.

I don't intend that a long-term relationship is required to be lifelong but that the parties involved are willing to work in that direction.

Thanks a bunch, LadySashayy!

_____________________________

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. --author unknown

(in reply to LadySashayy)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 10:45:41 AM

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/5/2004
From: Dallas - Fort Worth Metroplex
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

quote:

ORIGINAL: YveGee

I'm married. I would never leave my husband because I got a better job in another city. He would not leave me because of a better job in another state.

I've lost two subs to jobs in other states. To me, this signalled that they weren't as committed to me and our relationship as they'd claimed because I'd never think of doing the same thing to someone I was committed to.

Then again, they weren't the ones you were coming home to every night, sleeping with, developing IRAs and pension plans together with, making plans for retirement, dealing with grandchildren and the myriad of other little things that differentiate the marital partnership from the D/s one either.

I don't think you can make the comparison between apples and oranges in that manner.

juliet

They knew that we were looking at a poly relationship. They claimed to want to be members of a poly household. No, I wasn't coming home to them every night, just every weekend. We were thinking in terms of pension plans, insurance, paperwork, etc. My husband and I committed ourselves to a longterm relationship long (8 years) before we married.

It does sound as if I'm expecting too much of them, though.... <sigh>

< Message edited by YveGee -- 12/30/2006 10:49:59 AM >

_____________________________

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. --author unknown

(in reply to julietsierra)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 10:56:40 AM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: YveGee

I've just had an epiphany of sorts and I'd like the input of others.

I've only been using the Internet for two years to find submissives. Previous to that, I found my subs through friends and real-life networking. I've never been interested in short-term relationships; they aren't meaningful enough for me. When I'm searching for a new sub, I highlight that I'm only interested in long-term relationships.

All my bdsm relationships (prior to the internet) lasted at least 4 years (with some of those relationships overlapping but my subs have all enjoyed being part of a "stable" -- that's a whole 'nother story!). None of the recent relationships (with subs found on the internet) have lasted longer than 18 months.

It's occurred to me that maybe my definition of "long-term" is all wrong for the Internet age. To me, "long-term" means several years with an eye towards lifetime.

What does "long-term" mean to you?

Thanks for your input!

Here's an idea. How about entering into a relationship without the baggage/expectation set of focal points like "long term", "short term" or anything of the kind?

How about focusing on what (and who) stands immediately before you and engaging as openly and deeply as you care to, day by day?

And then, you know, seeing what happens?

After some arbitrary interval of time has passed (any arbitrary interval you might want to choose) you can look around and see what this once-new person now means to you and what you mean to him or her. You can even get out your spray paint and stencils and apply some sort of categorization to it, if that's your fetish.

There are a few special people in this world to whom I can say with all frankness and modesty: "I already love you forever," though not each of them is near enough at hand for this to happen face-to-face. That--for me, regardless of what unforeseen events life may throw at or between us--is about the only kind of defining of "long term" that seems worth bothering with. And it isn't really a matter of defining then after all. It is a recognition, I think.

Thank you for sharing your epiphany.

(in reply to YveGee)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 11:35:22 AM

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/5/2004
From: Dallas - Fort Worth Metroplex
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah

quote:

ORIGINAL: YveGee

I've just had an epiphany of sorts and I'd like the input of others.

I've only been using the Internet for two years to find submissives. Previous to that, I found my subs through friends and real-life networking. I've never been interested in short-term relationships; they aren't meaningful enough for me. When I'm searching for a new sub, I highlight that I'm only interested in long-term relationships.

All my bdsm relationships (prior to the internet) lasted at least 4 years (with some of those relationships overlapping but my subs have all enjoyed being part of a "stable" -- that's a whole 'nother story!). None of the recent relationships (with subs found on the internet) have lasted longer than 18 months.

It's occurred to me that maybe my definition of "long-term" is all wrong for the Internet age. To me, "long-term" means several years with an eye towards lifetime.

What does "long-term" mean to you?

Thanks for your input!

Here's an idea. How about entering into a relationship without the baggage/expectation set of focal points like "long term", "short term" or anything of the kind?

How about focusing on what (and who) stands immediately before you and engaging as openly and deeply as you care to, day by day?

And then, you know, seeing what happens?

After some arbitrary interval of time has passed (any arbitrary interval you might want to choose) you can look around and see what this once-new person now means to you and what you mean to him or her. You can even get out your spray paint and stencils and apply some sort of categorization to it, if that's your fetish.

There are a few special people in this world to whom I can say with all frankness and modesty: "I already love you forever," though not each of them is near enough at hand for this to happen face-to-face. That--for me, regardless of what unforeseen events life may throw at or between us--is about the only kind of defining of "long term" that seems worth bothering with. And it isn't really a matter of defining then after all. It is a recognition, I think.

Thank you for sharing your epiphany.

Because that's not the kind of person I am! I'm very goal-oriented. I like having a plan. I do best with others who are the same way. I thought that if I looked for others who shared similar values, I'd find them. I haven't. And from the looks of the answers I've seen here, I won't find it on the internet.<shrug>

< Message edited by YveGee -- 12/30/2006 11:39:04 AM >

_____________________________

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. --author unknown

(in reply to Noah)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 11:38:33 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: YveGee

What does "long-term" mean to you?

Thanks for your input!

I am never looking for a short-time relationship. However, that doesn't mean I expect each relationship to last five years or so. What I am looking for are partners who are open to the idea of our relationship being the one that turns into a collar, marriage, kids, a white picket fence and a personal dungon. Hey we can all dream, right?
What that means to me is that if my new relationship only lasts five months, oh well - we tried. But I was open to the idea of it being forever if it worked out. If I couldn't see there being a possiblity of marriage and forever, then I simply wouldn't be in the relationship. We aren't on this earth forever and I'm not going to spend my time here looking for something in places where it can't be found.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to YveGee)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 11:59:06 AM

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From: NC
Status: offline

Long-term to me means having a committed relationship until we start realizing that we are pissing each other off so much that we look for short-term solutions with which to alleviate our bad moods and unfulfilled desires. Ideally, long-term is forever. Realistically ... eh ... I'll have to get back to you on that. (I have not yet lived forever.)

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 12:02:52 PM

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Joined: 6/18/2005
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Noah, I'm sorry I haven't told you before...I enjoy reading your posts. Most of the time (no one is perfect) your advice is so down to earth!

(in reply to Noah)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 12:12:33 PM

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Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YveGee

Because that's not the kind of person I am! I'm very goal-oriented. I like having a plan. I do best with others who are the same way. I thought that if I looked for others who shared similar values, I'd find them. I haven't. And from the looks of the answers I've seen here, I won't find it on the internet.<shrug>

Alot of people have a very practical approach, or a 'goal-oriented' approach, like yours.
I have actually seen alot of this on the internet. Alot of men are looking for the "one" and looking for long term.
Personally Im more of the 'one day at a time' kind of a person. But I was more goal-oriented years ago. Either way, there are all types out there. I think it gets discouraging sometimes, but if you keep your eyes peeled on your goal, and if it's important enough for you to find it, then you will. :)

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to YveGee)

RE: Long-Term Relationship(s) - 12/30/2006 12:16:10 PM

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Joined: 8/31/2006
Status: offline

to me / us long term has no finite end, it is begun in the hope that it will last.

(in reply to dawntreader)

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