How do you become experienced without the experience?

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How do you become experienced without the experience? - 5/11/2004 11:58:12 AM

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I am very new to this lifestyle (as in ZERO experience) but I have learned that this is where I have been leaning in my life for years and years. But, enough of that, my questions is, since actively involving myself here, it seems as though my newness is actually a drawback to getting to know people and learning what I feel that I need to know. I'm in a classic CATCH 22. I can't get started because of the prejudice against newbies, and a can't become an experienced person because of my lack of knowledge. HELP!!!!

RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 5/11/2004 12:19:54 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CPUdoctor

I am very new to this lifestyle (as in ZERO experience) but I have learned that this is where I have been leaning in my life for years and years. But, enough of that, my questions is, since actively involving myself here, it seems as though my newness is actually a drawback to getting to know people and learning what I feel that I need to know. I'm in a classic CATCH 22. I can't get started because of the prejudice against newbies, and a can't become an experienced person because of my lack of knowledge. HELP!!!!

This was discussed in another forum a while ago. Although I must admit I don't quite remember where.
So I will offer my same advice.
Go to munches. Find one in your area. Perhaps e-mail the host prior. Tell them you are new, want to learn. They will usually take you under their wing. Introduce you to others.
I know I host a munch, when a newbie comes to me prior. Even if we have a party. They will play. Supervised of course. If you let people know usually they are more than willing to help you out. Teach you whatever you need to know.
Once you have a few friends within the scene you can go to parties with them...etc..etc. Network yourself.

You can also ask questions here on collarme. We are all more than happy to assist in the best way we can. Perhaps we don't always agree but that is what makes it such a special place. You do get other's views. Without predujice. Don't take any persons view but listen..learn and decide the path to follow that is best for you.

My way, is not necessarily your way. It shouldn't be we are two different people.

Hope this helps.

(in reply to CPUdoctor)

RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 5/11/2004 12:58:40 PM

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Some of my expereince was into bondage as a top and then I progress to more into the lifestyle after my first divorce. I did this by attending the local munch groups and events were they have workshops. I have learn some of my newer understanding under the guidence of others who are more expereince than my self. I also have been reading some good books like SM 101 and Erotice Bondage books. Some groups will have workshops and the key is getting to know people in the comunity . Good luck with your journey.

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RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 5/11/2004 1:26:46 PM

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When i first started as a sub i searched the internet under bdsm101, i was amazed at the number of sites with good information.

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RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 5/11/2004 6:28:49 PM

UrsusDomesticus

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In addition to munches, many BDSM organizations offer classes. If you live near a major metropolitin area, be certain to check this out.

I have found that attending play parties and volunteering to help out is an excellent way to meet experienced players. Once you strike up a conversation and indicate that you are looking to gain experience, or perhaps, even searching for a mentor, some sympathetic soul may just offer to adopt you.

Always be honest about your level of experience. We have all been there and we can most easily respect those who themselves are starting out, if they are honest and strightforward.

Bear

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RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 5/11/2004 7:06:55 PM

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And, perhaps as a thought, just because you are new to the label, doesn't mean you are clueless. One of the newbie mistakes I see happen on occasion, is that because one is new, top or bottom, they are in such a rush to establish themselves, that the lifestyle they wish to partake of becomes more like a job, or a responsibility, and less of an actual learning or life experience.

I see it said all the time that a new dom and new sub are a poor combination - but in my experiance, I think that a couple that is simply evenly matched in experiance are best. If both are new, then there are no preconceived notions about what should or should not be right, and instead of working on image or form, the couple actually grows together, and closer as a result.

In any case, no matter who or where you learn about BDSM from, don't forget the most important lesson, is not to forget who you already are. Nowhere is it written that one must enjoy bondage (lets say) or golden showers, or any one, or any group of fetishes to be happy.

Enjoy the lifestyle for your own sake, and of the nay sayers who seem prejudiced against you online, 90% probably couldn't tie their way into a paper bag. 'Online' BDSM is no more BDSM then online roleplaying has real dragons. Be careful not to get too wrapped up in the myrid of chat forums that are out there, as they can be quickly addictive, and lull you into a false sense of understanding.

Just my two cents, welcome to the club. I'll teach you the secret handshake in my next sermon.

Stephan

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RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 5/11/2004 7:28:54 PM

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i was fortunate i had three slaves and one domme,i worked with all three and i was the Master of the one,thats how i got my start,since that time i have benn with several slaves,i guess its different for everyone

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RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 5/11/2004 9:19:17 PM

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quote:

Just my two cents, welcome to the club. I'll teach you the secret handshake in my next sermon.

<---- Active dom with 10+ years of experience, have attended munches and play parties in 3 different states and still doesn't know the secret handshake

On a serious note, I agree with all that has been said here and will add my own tuppence - practice practice practice - the more physical aspects of the lifestyle (whipping and flogging and caning etc) are just like any other physical demand on your body (such as kata for martial arts) - the more you practice them, the more control you have and the better you become - for instance, with a singletail (snake whip, bull whip) - start out using a pillow or balloon as your target - until you can consistently hit it where you want and as hard as you want (as an aside - I have heard that a pumpkin is also good as a taget for whips - so you can see just how much you are 'cutting' into the target) - the same for floggers and canes and paddles etc. - always get to know your equipment and practice on an inanimate object before using on real live sub flesh.

One of my own personal rules is that I will NOT use anything on a sub that I have not used on myself first (with the exception of insertables) - so I KNOW what, say for example, my cloverclamp nipple clamps feel like having tried them on myself first before using them on a sub.

Another effect of all this practice with your equipment is that you will gain confidence in your ability to use it effectively and with 'experience'.

Enuff said - think I actually gave a couple of pounds worth instead of tuppence, but what the hey. Welcome aboard CPUdoctor.

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RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 5/12/2004 8:43:08 AM

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Thanks to you all for the advice. When I first began coming here I was actually surprised at the openness, and the willingness to share that I found here. You have only increased my desire to learn all that I can.

Someday when I get a growed up, I hope to become as confident as you all :)

(in reply to Thanatosian)

RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 5/16/2004 6:14:23 AM

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How do you get experience when you don't have any?

Easy, attend munches, volunteer your time and skills to the local organizations and stay out of the politics. They always need setup crews and take down crews, this is a great way for people to get to know you and form bonds with others. You can't get hot and sweaty without getting to know somebody when you get right down to it.

I'll let you people in on a little secret, the after parties are much more fun than the actual parties. You've had all night long to get to know somebody, get a basis on how they like to play and there is zero wait on the equipment that you want to use.

This should help,

Quin

(in reply to CPUdoctor)

RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 5/26/2004 9:55:05 AM

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A word of warning/caution however. Munches, depending on where you live, your age, and so-forth, can be more off-putting than not. My first munch experience was one of a hardly-lit bar with 30-40 people all twice my age, with several predatory types descending on anyone new (me) that walked through the door.

Don't be afraid to actually walk out if you're not comfortable. In larger cities, there are always other organizations and/or classes, and in smaller areas... well... no sense in putting yourself into a situation where you feel uncomfortable and 'forced' to interact with people that bother you.

(in reply to DarkQuin)

RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 5/26/2004 5:21:59 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Thanatosian
One of my own personal rules is that I will NOT use anything on a sub that I have not used on myself first (with the exception of insertables)

Chicken!

LOL

J/k, couldn't resist hehehe!

~ShadeDiva

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(in reply to Thanatosian)

RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 5/26/2004 9:56:22 PM

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Hey!!! I dont have the proper plumbing for insertables - there is no way on this earth that I am ever going to be able to tell from personal experience how a dildo or vibrator feels as it slides into a vagina - unless I suddenly develop mental telepathy

Actually, I kinda fudged on that rule - when I was younger I did try out the insertables on myself ( and yes Shade, that does include the large size butt plug ) , so I should have specified that I no longer try out the insertables on myself.

So there - nyahhhh - pbbbbbbth

(not really offended - if you cant laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?)

< Message edited by Thanatosian -- 5/27/2004 12:57:41 AM >

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RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 6/9/2004 5:20:25 PM

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CPUdoctor,

The best thing that you can do for yourself is to seek out any information that you can get your hands on. Books such as SM101, Screw the Roses, The Topping book/bottoming book, The Loving Dominant, Learning to crawl, Extreme Space.. learn more about who you are from your reading. Also, get involved with some local organizations, attend a munch, volunteer some time to help set up before a play party, learn all you can.
As far as online D/s goes? As long as the people involved are realists..I see no problems in it. But nothing beats real life experience.

~Thorns

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RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 6/29/2004 2:03:15 PM

Haktc

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I agree with most of the suggestions for gaining the necessary knowledge, but experience is another story. I must disagree with your statement that there is prejudice toward newbies. A majority of the people I know are more than happy to share their knowledge and years of experience with a new person, including myself. I have taken on new submissives to teach them, as well as teaching new Dominants proper use of equipment. I have even supervised as new a new Dom honed learned skills using my submissive.

(in reply to CPUdoctor)

RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 6/29/2004 2:20:48 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CPUdoctor

I am very new to this lifestyle (as in ZERO experience) but I have learned that this is where I have been leaning in my life for years and years. But, enough of that, my questions is, since actively involving myself here, it seems as though my newness is actually a drawback to getting to know people and learning what I feel that I need to know. I'm in a classic CATCH 22. I can't get started because of the prejudice against newbies, and a can't become an experienced person because of my lack of knowledge. HELP!!!!

sounds like my life, i just got my master's degree in mechanical engineering, and i wont fund a job even thougth applying to every possible job since 9 months as i don't have enough post graduate working experience so i thought i got for graduate training, but wrong there the experienced ones get the jobs to. guess this is not subject of the thread but is the same problem though, i guess it will all be a thing of being lucky and find an employer or sub in your case that accepts someone who wants still to learn to get the experience.

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RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 6/29/2004 2:34:05 PM

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quote:

I agree with most of the suggestions for gaining the necessary knowledge, but experience is another story. I must disagree with your statement that there is prejudice toward newbies. A majority of the people I know are more than happy to share their knowledge and years of experience with a new person, including myself. I have taken on new submissives to teach them, as well as teaching new Dominants proper use of equipment. I have even supervised as new a new Dom honed learned skills using my submissive.

I agree with this statement in a sense. But my experience in real life is that it seems that many who offer themselves up to "mentor" newbies end up trying to have relations with them, sexual or bdsm-wise, so I guess I am a bit jaundiced on hearing about people offering to mentor the inexperienced.

I would mentor people, since I update the list of people I wouldnt have sex with or bdsm relationships with with their names up front, and I get a bit queasy at the thought of violating that limit. I also dont offer to be a mentor; they have to ask. And I tell them up front to cross me off the list of people they will ever have that sort of relationship with for at least 6 months after we stop the mentor/student relationship.

Sinergy

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RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 6/29/2004 2:43:27 PM

RoughstringRider

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How to get experience? Well, I got My first experience with whips and ropes and things chasing cows.... and noticed how fluffy the sheep were one one day.... but I digress... *grin*

Seriously, A lot of folks are not going to be interested in you, until you get experience, but there's going to be others attracted to you for the same reason. A bottom who knows exactly what she likes, is going to seize the chance to teach you just how she likes having her rump warmed up, and help you practice every chance you get.

The suggestions on where to meet folks was dead on, too. Hit the munches, put yourself out there in person, and whatever you do, do NOT try to pass yourself off as experienced.... be who you are, and let those who are interested, run on that information.

Be you, be curious, and be ready to jump on opportunities... and one day, you, too will be able to fling poo with the confident certainty that we do...

And Thanatosian? The secret handshake is described and illustrated on page 287 of the Dom's Manual... *grin* Right next to the secret greeting, and secret password to the Grand Poo Bah's inner Sanctum.... Remember to use the alternate password, on every 13th Tuesday.....

Anyway, that's how it looks from out here at the Stock Tank....

~RR~

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RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 6/30/2004 8:07:39 PM

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I'm surprised no one has said anything about a mentor.

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RE: How do you become experienced without the experience? - 6/30/2004 9:13:35 PM

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I've often wondered the same thing myself. I have lots of experience at being a submissive, but practically none at being a dominant. If I was to decide to try out being a dominant, I can imagine I probably wouldn't be taken all that seriously. I often thought, more for conceptual thought than anything else, how one would get beyond that hurdle.

At least one individual has mentioned munches, but the last munch I went to in my area was interesting for that situation alone. There was a "master" in the group who was being grilled by an experienced femdom who seemed to be somewhat interested in showing this guy he was a noob and had no experience, and thus wasn't a master. Everyone else hung on her every word, and I started to think to myself, how then does someone actually ever connect and learn to do the things a master would need to do?

I never got the answer as the guy went the wrong direction and tried to play along, pretending to be more knowledgeable than he was, which only made things worse. But I kept wondering how else could one respond in such a critical area? It isn't the first time I've seen one dom/me deride another individual for being inexperienced.

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(in reply to CPUdoctor)

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