Is this a safe situation? (Full Version)

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solarisDom -> Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 8:49:27 AM)

I have a friend who told me all she's really interested in is getting the shit beat out of her, 24/7/365. Now I'm not going to judge the pain idea in the relationship. Nothing against pain, but when she told me she wants to be beat and raped at all hours a day for no reason other than she exsists, being insulted and spit on and etc. Because she thinks she's ugly and wants someone to agree with her, that sounds like a really messed up self esteem to me, Again, Im' not judging the pain part, but the idea that she wants someone to agree with her sounds a little unsafe to me.

I'm wondering if some people who have experience with this sort of thing, I'm guessing that no one that has currently what she seems to be looking for is online, and again it's nothing about the abuse, just simply the fact that she wants to feed her low self-esteem.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 9:07:16 AM)

I can't conceive of that being a realistic fantasy over the long term.  If she met the right people, she COULD get into a S&M brothel or a place where people could come pay to fuck her and beat her at any time of the day or night, but the idea that she WOULD have that done to her all the time just doesn't work- too much planning and lining people up and all that.

For a few days at a convention or something, that's more feasible and certainly possible. 

As far as the emotional stuff, I do agree that simply having someone agree with her isn't really the way to work around it, but it's not necessarily going to be more damaging depending on how this whole thing works out.

Since she's really not likely to get her fantasy fulfilled in the long term anyway, she'll have to deal with her issues in other ways and work on herself like all the rest of us do.



onestandingstill -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 9:24:16 AM)

I agree this does not sound like to be beat every day hard would be physically possible without causing problems. Being raped and hit in various places and not on top of old bruises is a OK in my book if that's what she wants though.
Her self esteem does spring from something I'd venture to guess and isn't healthy IMO.
I think if she found someone to take her up on her offer I'd fear for her life if she was my friend.
I just don't see a good Master that would aid her in destroying herself.
suzanne



juliaoceania -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 9:28:28 AM)

It could be a sense of bad self esteem, but I used to have this reoccurring fantasy that I would be abducted and forced into slavery and would be trained by many many men taking turns with me while I was tied up. I would even have to earn the right to use the bathroom by excelling sexually.

So while your friend may be a little off to think that this is a good reality, she sounds more like a do-me sub than a bona fide sicko. What she discusses can become a reality I am sure, but she may not like that reality half as much as she thinks. She could be trying to yank your chain for attention too, this is an internet friend, right?



SirDiscipliner69 -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 9:33:26 AM)

Sometimes fantasy taste different than reality....

Despite the self esteme issues once she found out what she would be subjected to I would bet a dollar she would want out.

Any compliance on your part would need to be dealt with very carefully as in signing of documentation and having it witnessed by several friends even to the point of video taping the request for protection on any change of mindset...and there will be....later.

The eyes are bigger than the stomach can handle.

Ross



toservez -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 9:38:09 AM)

Certainly there are ways to do an extended scene wear she could get roughed up and play raped if you can find the right people although it would probably be hard to find people like that in a safe environment would be my guess.

Certainly though red flags on why she wants that and certainly that she wants that to happen and for her to be her entire life. At best she is frustrated and working on issues and that is just some momentarily exasperation. At worse her self esteem is way too unhealthy low. You will though find people who truly prefer pain as much as possible on some level and the rougher the sex the better. It does not make them unhealthy in the enjoyment of these things, but the other factors of if that is all they want or can enjoy in that area of their life or the only area of their life.

I hope she was just blowing off some steam or vocally talking about a fantasy she has but knows it is not long term realistic.



MaryT -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 9:47:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: solarisDom
I'm wondering if some people who have experience with this sort of thing, I'm guessing that no one that has currently what she seems to be looking for is online, and again it's nothing about the abuse, just simply the fact that she wants to feed her low self-esteem.


If nothing else, physical exhaustion would put an end to her fantasy.  It sounds like more self-hatred than masochism, but it's another of those "someone said ..." kind of things.  Difficult to interpret.



solarisDom -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 9:57:48 AM)

First of all I actually know her, and I know she's a masochist hardcore, but she can take a lot (trust me I know) and thinks it would be great to be beat until she cries constantly. Crying means somethings wrong imo. not a good idea to push it that far regularly.



juliaoceania -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 10:00:14 AM)

Crying is cathartic for many masochists. It is not a symptom of something wrong



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 10:01:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: solarisDom
First of all I actually know her, and I know she's a masochist hardcore, but she can take a lot (trust me I know) and thinks it would be great to be beat until she cries constantly. Crying means somethings wrong imo. not a good idea to push it that far regularly.

Oh no, I disagree with that completely.

Crying can be fabulous for a scene.  It can be a release, it can be an overflowing of emotion, it can be another way to share bodily fluids.  A lot of subs have problems opening up emotionally, and by 'forcing them' to cry, they are able to get a lot of stuff out that they can't feel comfortable doing any other way.

So, being beaten until made to cry can absolutely be a good way to deal with things- though I think there should be some time made for discussion and work AFTER the person is opened up.

I'm not sure about the "regularly" part- perhaps more than once or twice a month I'd question.



SirDiscipliner69 -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 10:02:10 AM)

When I play heavy and edge I CONSTANTLY  remind the woman of her safeword...and ask her through out.

Sometimes there are those that feel they do not have safewords until they begin playing with Me.

It comes to a complete stop when they break down as I have pushed buttons they were not aware of.

Be perpared to spend ALOT of time and cuddling comfort with this person as you have stumbled on something that may be tramatic and beyond a layperson's understand or ability to deal with.

Ross



solarisDom -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 10:02:20 AM)

I know crying doesnt' mean somethings wrong with most people but she's like a pitbull, I beat her for about 10 minutes just punching her because she said she could handle it, and I'm no weakling, I stopped because I was afriad of doing some real damage. I didn't pull my punches either.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 10:05:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: solarisDom
I know crying doesnt' mean somethings wrong with most people but she's like a pitbull, I beat her for about 10 minutes just punching her because she said she could handle it, and I'm no weakling, I stopped because I was afriad of doing some real damage. I didn't pull my punches either.

I think there's obviously a lot of layers here and it's very frustrating when you keep telling this story in small pieces- some of HER perspective mixed with some of YOUR perspective and it's hard to give a straight full answer.

In all likelihood, she's got some security and self-esteem issues and uses her masochism and sluttiness as both a way to remain in control and yet get attention from others. 

This doesn't make her masochism or sluttiness itself a bad thing- only the motivations.



SirDiscipliner69 -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 10:05:53 AM)

Do you want her to bleed internally?

I do not think so?

Ross



SirDiscipliner69 -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 10:07:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL:
In all likelihood, she's got some security and self-esteem issues and uses her masochism and sluttiness as both a way to remain in control and yet get attention from others. 

This doesn't make her masochism or sluttiness itself a bad thing- only the motivations.


Bingo!


Ross



solarisDom -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 10:07:51 AM)

She doesn't ever want to be cuddled or hugged or helped, she wants someone who not only beats her 24/7, but never helps her explore what's going on with her, just wants it to happen. I just ... I'm worried about her, if she was significantly older, like in her 30's or something (I'm just going to say she's 20), then I'd think she'd be able to know what she wants better, but she's had two "Masters" before and both were bad experiences.

Also I'm sorry I'm not being the most clear with the story, I'm just not exactly sure how to explain things and as people make comments or ask questions it becomes clear what I'm missing, I don't exactly make a lot of post on BDSM forums heh.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 10:23:13 AM)

are you considering this girl for yourself? if so you have some options...if not i dont think you do.
 
it is my experience that you cant do much to change this sort of path....as LA and some of the others have said, she is having her needs met by her behavior and as you say she is "a pit bull" about adjusting her actions and seems to have no interest in understanding her motivations....right?
 
some times these things need to follow their own course...unless of course someone steps in and takes responsibilty....with out the responsibility aspect in place your well intentioned good advice will likely fall on deaf ears.



solarisDom -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 10:30:49 AM)

I am considering her and things were going well but she refuses to settle for anything less than this fantasy apparently. I almost want to do it for a week just to prove her wrong about it.
She's never had a strong male figure in her life her family is all women, sister, mother, and aunt are her close family, she has been slutty in the past to gain acceptance of men, I know that's an issue for her.

Never my intention to cause damage to her, beating her thighs and arms and back isn't going to cause severe organ damage as far as I know.

a few weeks ago someone tried to rob her, and she got into a fistfight with the guy, she had her eye swollen shut, she was bruised all over head to toe, she wants that 24/7 she's telling me, I just don't see how it could be safe or sane, even if it was consensual.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 10:57:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: solarisDom
a few weeks ago someone tried to rob her, and she got into a fistfight with the guy, she had her eye swollen shut, she was bruised all over head to toe, she wants that 24/7 she's telling me, I just don't see how it could be safe or sane, even if it was consensual.

If I may be so bold (and I may), you aren't the dom for her.

My guess is that, unless she has some amazing sudden burst of self-awareness, she's going to need a master who will be able to indulge some of her fantasy WHILE making it abundantly clear who is the owner and working through all of these issues.  This person will not be someone who "considers her" but will be someone who simply takes her and has no qualms about it whatsoever.

Then, this master will hopefully be able to guide her to a place of acceptance, dealing with her demons and shedding the bad motivations so that she can enjoy her fantasies with the good motivations. 

Is she ready for that situation?  I don't know. 



crouchingtigress -> RE: Is this a safe situation? (1/11/2007 11:01:09 AM)

i am going to throw out a total guess here...but i think she is seeking catharsis, i think there is a lot of pain locked away in there and she want and is ready to figure out how to feel it.
 
i myself am a masso, who is into SI (self injury) i can relate to this desire.
 
i think that if you take her on it will be a huge undertaking....but i think it really could be a turning point in her life.
 
i think we all know intuitively what we need, and though it may seem counter intuitive as a dom i would try to follow her lead and give her what she is saying she needs....but dont do it from the place of being aloof and cruel....do it (intense impact) and then make her look you in the eyes...telling her she is worth while, telling her she is beutiful...tell her she looks sad to you, why are you sad lil girl?
 
this, more then the impact, will dislodge the pain and sadness....but there will most likely be a back lash too....she will feel naked and vulnerable and and very angry...
 
anger is the wall that shields the sadness or the fear...so remember it is just a front...but if you are not prepared for it you could end up getting well thrashed.
 
 you may want to implement extreme protocols for expressing anger....she is not allowed to hit spit raise voices....but she can scream into a pillow...she can journal...she can bite a dog chew toy...
 
set rules and boundaries and hold fast to them.
 
this girl is hurting and she needs some one to help her....but only be that person if you are up to the job....because you will only damage her further if you drop the ball....



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