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Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 11:52:56 AM   
darksdesire


Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		I have a strong need to be controlled in small, mundane ways; being told how to dress, perhaps what to eat, tasks to accomplish, and I need this regularly, daily.  My Master does not seem to have a need to control me to this degree.  We have discussed it many times, and while he is comfortable with me asking him for that control, I feel uneasy doing so.  It strikes me as taking control...by asking him to control me, I feel like I am stepping into a dominant position -  I am asking him to do something that is about my need as a slave, and not about his need as a Master.  If I am asking him to do something to please me (even if it's for his control), and he complies, I worry that the power balance will tilt in a dangerous way.  And yet, I need that control regularly in order to feel his power over me.  It's a dilema and one I've been trying to work out for some time.   How many times a day can I ask, "what should I wear today" or "what should I have for lunch" before it becomes tiresome for him.  Not only that, isn't it pretty meaningless if those things arise from my needs as a slave rather than his needs as a Master?     

I find myself wondering if my position as his slave is to let go of this need for those regular, small acts of control since it is not something that necessarily fills a need for him.  I've been trying to work through this for some time, with lots of communication regarding this topic, and still, I am at a loss.  I am curious about how others view this;  slaves and submissives and dominants alike. 
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 12:02:27 PM   
losttreasure


Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darksdesire

I find myself wondering if my position as his slave is to let go of this need for those regular, small acts of control since it is not something that necessarily fills a need for him.  I've been trying to work through this for some time, with lots of communication regarding this topic, and still, I am at a loss.  I am curious about how others view this;  slaves and submissives and dominants alike. 


*sighs*  I'm afraid you won't like my view.  There will always be a need for compromise in any relationship, but the further apart you are in needs and wants to begin with, the more compromise will be required so that each can be fulfilled within the relationship.  Only you and your partner can decide if you are willing to compromise or forego having needs met.  You may simply be too incompatible.

(in reply to darksdesire)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 12:08:23 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Micromanagement (what it seems you are really looking for) is not for everybody, submissive or dominant.  Some submissives might find it TOO oppressive, and many dominants would find it too much work.  Because in the end, it IS a lot of work.

Even in the case of people who do enjoy that, think how difficult it is to keep it up all the time.  It can be exhausting.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to darksdesire)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 12:21:46 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Our view on this is that asking questions is a way to actively give him authority in our relationship.  The more questions I ask the more authority I give him.  If I do not ask him the questions and answer them myself, then I am taking authority from him.  There are times that I will just ask if he wants me to make the decision; at least it gives him the authority to delegate the task to me.

Knight's kyra


_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to darksdesire)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 12:25:18 PM   
darksdesire


Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for the replies.  I doubt incompatability is an issue in general, although it is perhaps an issue in this particular instance.  I also recongnize micromanagement would be exhausting.  I know I certainly wouldn't want to micromanage someone's life.   I suppose I am facing an issue of releasing my own concept of slavery and adopting his and that can be very difficult...even a little painful. 

(in reply to mstrjx)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 12:27:13 PM   
losttreasure


Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darksdesire

Thanks for the replies.  I doubt incompatability is an issue in general, although it is perhaps an issue in this particular instance.  I also recongnize micromanagement would be exhausting.  I know I certainly wouldn't want to micromanage someone's life.   I suppose I am facing an issue of releasing my own concept of slavery and adopting his and that can be very difficult...even a little painful. 


You may want to consider if this is really a need of yours, or if it is simply a want.

(in reply to darksdesire)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 12:29:25 PM   
darksdesire


Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		Kyra:

He has actually said something similar...that he wants me to bring my submission to him, offer it up to him regularly and he sees my asking questions as doing exactly that.  I don't know why I struggle with this, except perhaps I am not wanting to take responsibility for my submission, and would prefer it be drawn out of me.  I suspect there is truth to that, and is something I need to look hard at.  There is a bit of insecurity and vulnerability in exposing my submissiveness in that way.      

(in reply to darksdesire)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 12:44:42 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		darksdesire:

It can be quite terrifying to be that vulnerable with another person.  For me it is the fear of being rejected.  In my life, he is the first person to accept this part of me; no one else wanted it.

I know that for him, he will not take that which is not freely offered (outside of the context of our play and SM).  If I hold back in giving him authority, then authority does not get exercised.  If I hold back in serving him, then I miss the opportunity.  Overcoming the fear of being rejected for it is something I still struggle with.  It gets easier each time I give him the authority and he accepts it.

Time, patience and the continual effort to open up is how I am working through it.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to darksdesire)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 1:40:45 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I understand where you are coming from but do not have the answer you are looking for. Part of being submissive and at the level you are wanting it is very difficult to ask for anything and very much in particular when it comes to anything close to the core of M/s area. I know for me personally very few things are worse in a relationship for me when I would have to take the lead in initiating such things your Master has suggested.

I am afraid I agree with Losttreasure on this. Your Master may only be comfortable in what he is doing now and his asking you to bring this to him is his way to deal with your needs at a minimal cost to his energy. He may find micromanaging on that level of little interest and a great deal of energy.

The fact is compatibility on this issue is very much important for the health of the relationship. I am not at all saying your relationship is doomed but this must be recognized by both of you as a big issue. I agree you need to think how much of this is a want and how much of this is a need. It sounded to me that this was not about enough discipline or play sessions but needing to be controlled in general which leads me to believe this may be more need than want. Take your needs to your Master and have a heart felt talk about how both of you can work through this issue and if he is willing to put more effort in this part. I feel just having you ask him when you need it is only a temporary patch in the damn if your needs are truly for that much control.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to kyraofMists)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 2:08:50 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darksdesire

Thanks for the replies.  I doubt incompatability is an issue in general, although it is perhaps an issue in this particular instance.  I also recongnize micromanagement would be exhausting.  I know I certainly wouldn't want to micromanage someone's life.   


Actually it isn't exhausting at all.  It is the way Doug and I live ever since day one of being together.  If you asked him now, yes he would say at first it was rather difficult to keep up.
However, once he got to know me and my inner workings it is somewhat of a mundane task now.  One he enjoy's a great deal but he is an old hat at it.
If you feel you need to be controlled in that way just ask him.  Communication is the key to any successful relationship.  Because you have needs does not make you dominant.  Everyone in every facet of life has needs.
After he gets used to telling you what to do, you won't need to ask anymore.  My clothing is laid out for me on a daily basis.  The only time he does not delve deeper into my life is when it is within my profession.  He leaves that alone. 


(in reply to darksdesire)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 2:28:18 PM   
BabyNyla


Posts: 578
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline
When I first started my relationship with my Dom, my feelings were similar.  I wanted much more than he seemed willing to do.  I began to feel like I was pushing him or pestering him ... and maybe expecting him to be something that he actually isn't.  It was hard on me and I began to behave in certain ways, acting out almost, in hopes of getting his attention and inspiring him.  That still didn't work and I worried I would never get what I wanted from him, as I wanted strict control as well.
 
Then he deployed to Iraq and he was without me.  It gave him a lot of time to thik and to realize what he didnt's have as well as what he wanted.  So we talked about it almost everyday and now he is very controlling and strict and he loves it ... so be careful what you wish for, lol.  Because sometimes it drives me nuts now, hehe.  But I do love it more now than ever :)

(in reply to sub4hire)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 2:39:18 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		this is my third time trying to post this,  so this time i am going straight to the point
 
your purpose in his life is to make his life easier right? i mean that is the point, no?
 
what did you prefer in school when given a test, essay questions or multiple choice?
 
you could offer him the choice of 2-3 out fits and or 2-3 dinners and have him pick what he prefers.
 
you might think its topping from the bottom, but i would get over that, again you are there to make his life easier.
 
and also thinking of this desire as a need sets you both up for failure, but if you think of it as a preference, you take the responsibility off his shoulders to make you happy and fulfilled, and you give yourself a way to give fulfillment to yourself....win win.
 

< Message edited by crouchingtigress -- 1/13/2007 2:43:13 PM >

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to BabyNyla)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 2:46:24 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		What they said :)

It's not dominating to inform someone of your feelings and desires, or to make requests.  I understand that thought process which leads you to that conclusion, but it's a false path.

However, managing takes many forms.  The form you seem to crave might not be the form which he is most comfortable or desiring to engage in.  You can either work together to find new solutions (you've been given great ones already here), settle into his habits as they are and find fulfillment- or just decide you aren't compatible enough.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 4:24:50 PM   
darksdesire


Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

this is my third time trying to post this,  so this time i am going straight to the point
 
your purpose in his life is to make his life easier right? i mean that is the point, no?
 
what did you prefer in school when given a test, essay questions or multiple choice?
 
you could offer him the choice of 2-3 out fits and or 2-3 dinners and have him pick what he prefers.
 
you might think its topping from the bottom, but i would get over that, again you are there to make his life easier.
 
and also thinking of this desire as a need sets you both up for failure, but if you think of it as a preference, you take the responsibility off his shoulders to make you happy and fulfilled, and you give yourself a way to give fulfillment to yourself....win win.
 


Bingo.  Thanks.  This is what I've been trying to arrive at, but am not quite getting there emotionally.  My position is indeed to make his life easier.  I can grasp that intellectually, yet something else is going on below the surface, some emotional experience of frustration that I can't quite get a handle on, that continues to raise it's ugly little head.  Personally, I view this as a bit of neediness on my part that comes in conflict with my committment to serve him in the way he needs.   I have been serving him for over two years, and it is a rich and rewarding and deep relationship, and yet this one thing continues to hound me....and in an effort to get a handle on it, I bounce around all over the place.   

Anyway, thanks for the input.  This conclusion you've written about is what I'm aiming for.

< Message edited by darksdesire -- 1/13/2007 4:27:33 PM >

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 4:27:04 PM   
akbarbarian


Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darksdesire

Thanks for the replies.  I doubt incompatability is an issue in general, although it is perhaps an issue in this particular instance.  I also recongnize micromanagement would be exhausting.  I know I certainly wouldn't want to micromanage someone's life.   I suppose I am facing an issue of releasing my own concept of slavery and adopting his and that can be very difficult...even a little painful. 

Denying yourself, your feelings, and your needs isn't the path to submission.  If you don't want this less managed submission, and if you're less fulfilled through it, that's self denial and denial of your own submissive needs imo.  I do like to micromanage for example, I find it very hot.  So do you.  You're with someone who doesn't.  This is bad.  You're on a slippery slope, as indicated by your avatar pic. 

_____________________________

Out and proud as a dominant male
United we stand!
Also:Not a service top!
Heretic of Gor

(in reply to darksdesire)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 6:29:17 PM   
BeingChewsie


Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

quote:

ORIGINAL: darksdesire

Thanks for the replies.  I doubt incompatability is an issue in general, although it is perhaps an issue in this particular instance.  I also recongnize micromanagement would be exhausting.  I know I certainly wouldn't want to micromanage someone's life.   


Actually it isn't exhausting at all.  It is the way Doug and I live ever since day one of being together.  If you asked him now, yes he would say at first it was rather difficult to keep up.
However, once he got to know me and my inner workings it is somewhat of a mundane task now.  One he enjoy's a great deal but he is an old hat at it.
If you feel you need to be controlled in that way just ask him.  Communication is the key to any successful relationship.  Because you have needs does not make you dominant.  Everyone in every facet of life has needs.
After he gets used to telling you what to do, you won't need to ask anymore.  My clothing is laid out for me on a daily basis.  The only time he does not delve deeper into my life is when it is within my profession.  He leaves that alone. 




I'll second that. My owner doesn't find it exhausting at all. It is as much a part of him to engage in it, as it is for me to want to live under it. He wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who couldn't live with being micromanaged and thrive under it.

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 6:48:51 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I personally don't have the time nor do "I" see the benefits of the "micro" approach....To me the woman seems way to "needy" to fit my agenda or preference(notice the "I").  Just a personal preference...I would become incredibly bored with a woman who is not capable of knowing when to blink and breath on her own.  There are certainly times when I will give specifics...but never day to day.

To "me" this is not a squelching of the soul or personality but a relinquishment of control which has little to do with the mundane activities of every day life or every day activities but more of an overall ability for her to recognize where my needs begin and hers end.( I know this is a tad bit nebulous).

To each their own.

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 1/13/2007 6:50:49 PM >

(in reply to BeingChewsie)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 7:00:43 PM   
BeingChewsie


Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I personally don't have the time nor do "I" see the benefits of the "micro" approach....To me the woman seems way to "needy" to fit my agenda or preference(notice the "I").  Just a persoanl preference...I would become incredibly bored with a woman who is not capable of knowing when to blink and breath on her own.  There are certainly times when I will give specifics...but never day to day.

To "me" this is not a squelching of the soul or personality but a relinquishment of control which has little to do with the mundane activities of every day life or every day activities but more of an overall ability for her to recognize where my needs begin and hers end.( I know this is a tad bit nebulous).

To each their own.

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.



I can understand the not being interested in it, few people are. You illustrate the point that some are making about compatibility, when it is a need of yours( and how you operate your relationships), she doesn't seem "needy" a all.

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to domiguy)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 7:43:43 PM   
slavemaia


Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darksdesire

I have a strong need to be controlled in small, mundane ways; being told how to dress, perhaps what to eat, tasks to accomplish, and I need this regularly, daily.  My Master does not seem to have a need to control me to this degree.  We have discussed it many times, and while he is comfortable with me asking him for that control, I feel uneasy doing so.  It strikes me as taking control...by asking him to control me, I feel like I am stepping into a dominant position -  I am asking him to do something that is about my need as a slave, and not about his need as a Master.  If I am asking him to do something to please me (even if it's for his control), and he complies, I worry that the power balance will tilt in a dangerous way.  And yet, I need that control regularly in order to feel his power over me.  It's a dilema and one I've been trying to work out for some time.   How many times a day can I ask, "what should I wear today" or "what should I have for lunch" before it becomes tiresome for him.  Not only that, isn't it pretty meaningless if those things arise from my needs as a slave rather than his needs as a Master?     

I find myself wondering if my position as his slave is to let go of this need for those regular, small acts of control since it is not something that necessarily fills a need for him.  I've been trying to work through this for some time, with lots of communication regarding this topic, and still, I am at a loss.  I am curious about how others view this;  slaves and submissives and dominants alike. 


In my experience, i think it depends on what one's ultimate goal and fulfillment is. my ultimate goal is my Master's pleasure and seeking to make His life both more enjoyable and easier. What constitutes that is up to Him to decide. In terms of my own "needs" or desires, i have chosen to relinquish control - surrender to His will - that means to me, once i've communicated to my Master what i feel i need or want, it's His call as to whether i receive it or not. To keep asking Him repeatedly for something He's already aware of is, in my opinion, attempting to control Him. i had to let go of seeking that wonderful submissive "feeling" and realize that when that happens, it's icing on the cake and not the reason for my submision. i hope this is helpful to you.

_____________________________


She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to darksdesire)
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RE: Needing daily control - 1/13/2007 9:40:33 PM   
darksdesire


Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		slavemaia

that is helpful indeed and what you are saying is certainly consistent with my own goals for myself as a slave.  There is what I think submission means, perhaps what I have wanted it to mean, and then there is what he wants and needs to make his life easier.  I really work hard to relinquish my needs and desires to his control...it's just that I'm finding that it is easier said than done sometimes. 

(in reply to slavemaia)
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