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RE: being married... - 6/3/2008 3:16:03 AM

beltainefaerie

Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
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I'm intensely in favor of honesty. I think trust is the foundation of all relationships and potentially more so in BDSM. If someone is lying to their spouse or actively omitting important details about their activities, I would not think of them as a good partner even for casual play. Not everyone who is into BDSM involves sex in their play, but the experience is usually incredibly inimate emotionally, spiritually or sexually regardless.

(in reply to MadameXTC)

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RE: being married... - 6/3/2008 4:32:01 AM

summersprite

Posts: 101
Joined: 4/3/2008
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Stones... glasshouses....
Boulders.... that nice glassy dome at the Louvre in Paris....

The day I'm bloody perfect (and someone please let me know....) .....then I'll judge everyone else.....

In the meantime.... Peace

(in reply to beltainefaerie)

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RE: being married... - 6/3/2008 6:26:46 AM

Floggings4You

Posts: 240
Joined: 12/18/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pearlmoongirl

I am separated from my husband, and I am in a near-constant state of angst over my subbiness. (This was part of the motivation for my post on virgin rapture.) My husband is vanilla. I tried to get him interested in D/s but it just didn't intrigue and speak to him on a visceral level. Before that I went for years without even telling him about my growing suspicions/realizations that I was submissive.

So here's the catch: I haven't had any sort of hands-on playtime experience with a Dom, and to me, that means I don't really know for sure if I am subby or not. I don't want to cheat while I am still married, and I won't deceive any Dom that I meet regarding my marital status. But how can I get that ... confirmation, I guess is the word ... that this subby need in me is real, that I need Domination to feel safe and secure? It's the chicken and the egg.

The reactions/responses expressed in this thread have been so black and white that I feel like a cheater just by reading them. I honestly do applaud and admire all of Y/you here who started expressing Y/your D/s side before or totally outside of marriage. But there are some people in this world, myself included, who come to that knowledge while still committed to a vanilla partner - and if we consider ourselves to be honest, stand-up people with integrity, we won't tank a relationship for any reason that might not actually exist.

I think the fact that you are already separated from your husband, combined with the fact that you've stated, "this subby need in me is real", shows that you have already 'tanked' your relationship and that your need for this lifestyle does actually exist.

(in reply to pearlmoongirl)

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RE: being married... - 6/3/2008 6:31:16 AM

KinkeeCpl

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Joined: 12/19/2007
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Yes it is "undomly". An honorable man steps up to the plate so to speak. If you've got to lie to the person you married, then you ought not be married to begin with. Being a dom shouldn't equate with being a liar, or too little of a man(woman?)to face the music if you're the one that wrote it.

(in reply to rubyleu)

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RE: being married... - 6/3/2008 7:24:49 AM

takemeforyourown

Posts: 430
Joined: 2/24/2007
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Wow. I am so glad this thread was started. I, as a matter of fact, was just faced with this situation. My former Dom met a vanilla girl two weeks after we broke up, got her pregnant the second time they screwed, had a kid and married the girl. This week, he suggested meeting up with me to play, for the first time since we broke up. He says he is, "very happy with his life" but misses what we had (D/s). I was seriously considering it, even though my standard is to stay away from married guys. Of course, it would have been a secret to her. I'm glad I read this thread before I did something crappy to my Karma. My shoulder devil was telling me it would be ok because I had him first, she doesn't do what he likes, etc....

(in reply to krista)

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RE: being married... - 6/3/2008 7:26:34 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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I've cheated in the past. I did so on the internet before I ever left my wife. Some will say that is not cheating as there is no physical involvement but others will say it is. The person whose words most struck me as true in this instance were the words of my counselor..."If your partner considers it cheating even when you don't, then it is cheating. In these situations, it is the feeling of the one who it is "being done to" that matters the most". Now...that isn't always true---extreme example given here: A partner may "feel" that they have been abused emotionally because you did not take them out this past weekend after a shitty week at work. They may feel that you were not understanding enough, despite the fact that you cuddled them, did your best to calm them down, reassure them that they were not only O.K. but great, and assure them that this week would be better...you did NOT take them out so you were a non-understanding, selfish, abusive ass. In that instance, their feeling is not what matters. (end of segue)

When I was involved with my first submissive, she was married and had an open relationship with her husband. It took some getting used to but there were some guidelines that we all followed that made it easier. My second submissive was separated from her husband but not divorced yet. I was led to believe she would be divorcing him but when it did not happen, I sent her home as I have related on here before. It was not the fact that her husband did not know about me, nor the fact that she had lied to me all along about having instituted divorce proceedings, it was some of the reasoning behind it that led me to send her home...the fact that she was scared of losing me because of her failure to move quickly on the divorce I could understand and forgive but this part I did not like---she wanted the paycheck that came to her from the Canadian military as being the separated partner of a Canadian soldier along with the money she was making at her job and the money that I brought in.

Would I cheat on a partner now? No. I've told submissives that, were I to want another partner, I would be upfront about it. I've also made it clear that it is a possibility that I might someday want that...or I might not. I cannot honestly say as I cannot predict what my feelings about it in the future would be and because I understand that it is something that two people are going to have a say in.

(in reply to KinkeeCpl)

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RE: being married... - 6/3/2008 7:34:13 AM

fungasm

Posts: 321
Joined: 8/2/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rubyleu

It is neither undomly nor unsubly, it is simple dishonesty. If a marriage is not working be honest, either do it with the other's consent, or split up. The worst reason given is "it's for the kids." Kids, unless very, very young, thrive with two loving parents even if they no longer live together. I cannot fathom how a person can even do this.

What if the marriage is working? I've had a number of friends who have faced this.

PUT YOURSELF IN THESE SHOES:

Imagine you have married your best friend. You love her very much. You love your life with her. But from the time you were married (in the 1980s or 1970s), sex wasn't an important part of your marriage. It was okay, but not great.

Now you discover that you really want something more. You want to be tie up, taken hard with a strap on, or just spanked deliciously hard until every nerve you have is on fire. Or you crave to give a spanking. Your wife, whom you love, gets uptight when you even begin to mention it. Twelve years ago you spanked her one during sex, and you slept on the couch for two days. You've been married to this woman for 25-30 years. You talk about things, and you've mentioned the new sex toy store down the street, and you've heard her say how happy she is that the two of you don't need it. You *know* that you could talk about it- but you know she's not going to be interested, and she will feel like she has failed. The conversation will hurt her. The fact that you are craving something she can't do will make her feel badly. Not to mention that she is going on 50, and her self-esteem may be a bit more fragile now, or she may be going through menopause, or dealing with aging parents and nursing homes, or facing other issues so that this isn't what she wants now. So you pursue it elsewhere.

You don't want a divorce to openly pursue a lifestyle. You didn't get married as a poly couple. You love this woman and you want to stay married to her. You want to protect your wife and have fun on the side. It's don't ask, don't tell. It sucks, but sometimes this is where it leads. I have friends who are older couples, and because of my adult websites they talk to me separately. I see both sides.

We have this one size fits all opinion of marriage, and this terrible opinion of others who cheat. But sometimes the options are go outside the bounds of marriage or never know what a really good erotic spanking feels like.

Splitting up isn't always the answer.

_____________________________

"Science is a lot like sex. Sometimes something useful comes of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it." (Richard Feynman)

Blog: http://antidomme.sensualwriter.com

(in reply to NightWindWhisper)

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RE: being married... - 6/6/2008 2:45:47 PM

brynnegrl

Posts: 8
Joined: 5/20/2008
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I have never posted before, but this topic hits close to home.
I was interested in this lifestyle many years ago. I pushed it away for a very long time. I met and married my husband (which is an interesting story in and of itself), and we have been married for almost 2 years. We had a very rocky few months last year, where we actually separated, and he DID get involved with someone else-just sexually. That was infidelity to me, even though we were on our way to a divorce. Your heart doesn't know that. We are in a really good place now, we have grown closer and stronger because of the crap we have been through. Recently I told him about my desires, fantasies, kinks, whatever. He is open to it, he is into it, and learning about it. The reason that I think it works, we were truly made for each other. We know each other inside and out, and the love that we have for each other is so deep, it scares me sometimes. But it is BECAUSE of all of that that we are able to have this lifestyle. I had to trusst him beyond belief in order to tell him, because he could have thought it weird. So I think part of the married in a D/s situation of any kind is trust-yes, honesty, but trust. And if you don't have that to begin with, then perhaps there are some other issues that need to be looked at.

This is strictly my opinion, and how I feel about it.

(in reply to fungasm)

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