julietsierra
Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
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Actually, I agree with Michael - right down the line here.
And I absolutely do not believe that she was necessarily destined for loneliness, etc...
Try a YEAR of seeing someone on and off - more off than on. Try a year of playing only sort of - and always wishing for more. Sometimes crying because you don't know what's going on, why he's doing this, what the deal is. Is he using you, coming over to fuck you and leave, etc?? You learn that he's not always going to answer the phone, and you look forward to the mornings when you talk about everything under the sun and laugh and listen to what he's NOT saying You look forward to the evenings when he calls to tell you about his day and you tell him about yours and you share things that you never thought of sharing before because this is your time with him. It doesn't mean he cares less. It doesn't mean this is all you can ever hope for. It just means that this is what you have at this moment.
And you learn patience. You learn to deal with yourself instead of waiting for someone else to do your work for you. You learn that submission is not always fun and games, and that sometimes, it's hard work. You SLOWLY learn to appreciate when you see him and to get on with your life when you don't. And his touch when he does see you is magical. His voice when you hear him is enough to send you flying.
Slowly, without even realizing it, you are becoming more than you thought you could be. You move past resentment and expectations and the willingness to push him to do what you want instead of waiting for him to do it just because. You start to understand that if he is doing something because you asked, then you never know if he's doing it because you pushed him or if he's doing it because he genuinely wants to - and you start to want desperately for him to do things because he wants to. You learn how to ask for things without demand.
The second year comes along and somewhere along the line, you realize he's spending more time with you than he ever did before. Of course, he mixes it up often. He doesn't want you building expectations. He wants a strong independent woman who willingly submits - not someone who whines and clings and wants him to be responsible for everything in her life, and for some reason, you end up during this year, realizing that you want to be that kind of woman as well. The two of you start to do things he swore he'd never do - like all those vanilla things he said never to count on. You learn that when you didn't count on it, he came through. He came through because now, it was HIS idea, not yours, and while it pisses people off who hear of what he's done, and they all proclaim loudly that he's callous and disregards your feelings, you begin to understand that in his mind, there was more at stake here than just your feelings. Although you never saw it, he was giving you your life back. And you realize that at any time, if you wanted, you could walk away - but each and every time you start thinking along those lines, you're so connected to him now that the thought is really quite frightening. At the same time, you discover that you're not so clingy. You are becoming more confident, even though that confidence is rooted right there in how he handles you. You are more centered, more calm, more able to handle the samsonite of your life, and you're pretty damn proud because you realize that he didn't do this for you - you did it yourself with his support, and that means all the world.
Year three comes along and you find the two of you are seeing each other nearly every single weekend. The only times you miss is when life, work, other responsibilities get in the way - and that's really not that often. He still isn't calling you all the time and at times, it irks you, but you keep on calling in the morning and the evening even when you fall back into old "if he doesn't call, *I'M* sure as hell not going to" patterns because you realize that's what he expects you to do - and submitting is paramount now. You sometimes question if he's really as solid as you imagine him to be because it's only now that you're seeing that he is so vastly different from the people that came before that he's somehow restored your belief in the men in your relationships. You find you're not so darned angry at the abuse you went through prior to him. All of that is lessening it's power to hurt you and now, you can start to feel good about what was good when you were in those relationships without it all dredging up the bad feelings and memories.
Year four arrives. You find with some shock that you love him. You love him beyond anything you've ever felt before and sometimes, it scares you. You look back to when you used to be so clingy and weepy and demanding and wonder if that was really you, but you know it was, and upon contemplation, you really find that you like YOURSELF much better now. You're strong without being demanding. You're confident without ultimatums. You're patient, because you just KNOW he's going to be around and you finally realize that all the stuff you were doing back at the beginning was really because fear was controlling your life. You find you were so afraid of being caught again in the same types of relationships you'd walked away from that you tried to structure precisely the kind of relationship you thought you wanted - and yet, you find that there's little left of what you thought you wanted and what you didn't think you'd ever want is precisely what you needed. The play you engage in is deeper, longer, more involved, and more and more, you find yourself completely overwhelmed by the feelings he evokes in you. And you find that although submission is sometimes difficult, it is rewarding beyond compare. You find that you are one healthy young woman and you find that there's a whole world out there that you had no concept of and that you'd have had no concept of if you hadn't given him the time to show you what could be.
And drama simply is not a part of anything anymore.
That's what it could have been if you and he and your relationship had been given the time. It's what could have been if you'd simply waited to see what life was going to bring. It's what could have been if you'd realized that more often than not, our feelings are our worst enemies and that our feelings are most often based on insecurities and fears, not what we "need." It's what could have been if you'd have had those long conversations with yourself to discover that what we call "feelings" are more often than not, unresolved issues from an earlier time and then searched for a way to resolve them. It's what could have been if you'd have understood that all too often what we call "feelings" is really this little girl inside us having temper tantrums in order to get what she THINKS she needs to feel good.
But all these suppositions are really just that. I was exactly where you are now four years ago. That dominant in your life sounds just like the Master in mine. And my suppositions for you are how things turned out for me, which I understand is no guarantee that they could be the same for you. But now... you'll never know.
juliet
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RE: Tough Decisions and Knowing When to Move On - 
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