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Devilslilsister -> RE: What is it you "need" in a Master and how do you get it? (2/1/2007 1:21:03 PM)
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Now i'm going to answer it = )
hrm. I think what i needed most of all was to be myself and being myself means i needed a few more things. Although, I'm not excatly sure what those other things are. The only thing that comes to mind is safety. i need safety. Physical safety and just plain safety. Alot of things have happened in my life that really dropped the bottom out of "feeling safe". i remember being in the mountains with some male friends, waking up the owner of the property, HOLDING a .380 and the owner grabbing my pants, whipping them down and shoving his fingers inside of me before i could react. I was startled, shocked and stunned. Took me a moment to rip away from him. (my friends laughed) To me that was the mantra of my life "even holding a gun, i am not safe" Anyone could do whatever they wanted to me. i was unsafe. i've spent my life working on being safe. Not just physically safe, but emotionally safe, mentally safe.. just completely fricken safe. (at the same time being absolutetly reckless.. odd how that works)
Master gives that to me. i AM safe. Finally, safe. No one can hurt me anymore. Nothing bad is going to happen to me. I really get to feel it when i am in his arms. Oh lord its like heaven, the world is finally OK. i am truely OK. My anxiety, stress, ect literally disappears while i am in his arms.
Granted others can try hurting me, but for once in my life - i know they wont get away with it. He wont let them. It is finally NOT ok - for ppl to hurt me. Its NOT okay, for even me to hurt me.
While i have suffered alot of hurting at Master's hands (some good, some bad) its a whole hell of a lot better then the whole god damn world hurting me. Personally, recieving his hurt is alot better then recieving any of the other hurts i've had.
He has given this safety to me by stopping my own ways of harming myself, keeping an eye on me, keeping an eye on those i know and keeping me nearby. It helps that he's built like a power house too = ) He has successfully gone about eliminating all ways in which possible problems could come up. Amazingly, since i have been with Master - i havent had one incident.
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